Short version: I feel guilty about attraction and it's messing me up in pretty much every way imaginable. (Featuring a Guest Appearance by the aftereffects of bodyshaming!) This is one of those things that kinda belongs in all of the specific advice sections at once, so here seemed better. Includes a lot of phobias, some internalized. I can barely even type about this because it makes my throat close up since I'm "not allowed to talk about it." I experience non-normative sexual attraction*, and have since I was quite small (4-5). I wasn't able to identify the attraction as such until around 16 because it originally manifested as being upset and disgusted. Spoiler: *: what is exactly that I feel like I have to hide being attracted to??? Guys/sometimes people in general who are chubby (the euphemism of choice here, apparently). It's a broad category (not actually a pun), so at least some of the people I'm attracted to might not be pegged as such by observers. I had instinctive reactions before it, but I was pretty out of shape as a kid, and my parents, particularly my mother, always treated me and other people being overweight as disgusting. I also used to steal and hide food? (I still have issues with hoarding storage-safe food, I just... don't actually eat it.) Originally, the feelings only came up with fictional characters, or as part of elaborate fantasies before I could understand them as sexual. I do sometimes have feelings for people not in the category, ala "demisexual". I realized when I had a crush, and found things that were 'supposed' to be gross physically exciting. I was incredibly ashamed, but so invested in the crush I somehow made myself ok with the attraction. Because I told my mother most of what went on at school at that point in my life, she knew who I had a crush on. When she actually saw the guy, her very first comment was to point out how he was [in category] and that was ugly and gross. (That happened right around the time I developed depression, not necessarily the cause.) When I started college, I was depressed. I had a bad relationship with a guy who was not physically (or interest-wise) my type. The end result is, I suspect romantic/sexual thoughts towards my close friends would lead into another intensely unhappy relationship, because I got used to doing sexual favors for being close to someone, so being close (regardless of other factors) triggers sexual thoughts. My parents/mom in particular disparage friends who are at all overweight or have any sort of physical problem, even bad vision, so I know that they're unlikely to approve of any partner I'm attracted to. (This goes straight up to pointing that friends are going to die before me, incidentally. I'm trying to learn to screen it out or convince them not to say that shit, but it's an uphill battle.) Also, perhaps from rhetoric on Tumblr targeting the equivalent male->woman sexuality, I picked up that my base-state sexuality is inherently fetishistic, so flirting toward someone I'm interested in, leaving any kind of evidence of what I'm attracted to, or making low-key jokes about it (like the earlier not-a-pun) is unethical. Ofc, I already had feelings that my sexuality was Bad and Wrong, so this hasn't exactly helped. But wait! There's more! In addition to everything else, I'm probably a trans guy! Which would theoretically be great, because the guy->guy equivalent of my sexuality is pretty acceptable in the gay community... but I don't look or sound like a guy and will never have the type of junk most of them want. Anyway, I'm hoping just putting this clusterfuck out somewhere will help me sort myself out. I kinda decided not to try to do anything romantic until I sort this whole mess out, because it makes trusting that I love someone for real basically impossible. I can't talk about this with my therapist, because my throat closes up so hard sound won't come out. If anyone has advice on how to bring myself towards self acceptance or... I guess, if you really do think I should try to turn it off, any ideas how to do that. Thanks
Wow, that is super messed up of your parents. wtf do they think they're accomplishing with that? It might be helpful for you to try define what loving someone for real means to you. As for your attraction being fetishistic/unethical... I'm not sure how helpful this is to you, but there is a Terry Pratchett quote: "And sin, young man, is when you treat people as things. Including yourself." You can find people's bodies attractive, even if they're not the bodies you're "supposed" to find attractive, while still treating them as people. It's the difference between saying "Someone I date needs to have X/Y/Z features" versus finding XYZ features in a person super hot; the former is like you're ordering something off a menu, whilethe latter is recognizing said features as part of a person, and not their defining trait. Anyway I have no real advice specific to your situation, so let me just wrap up with a sympathetic shoulder pat if desired, and a sincere: Spoiler: i am a:tla trash
@budgie (Thanks.) Yeah, I have no idea why they think it's a good idea. (Other highlights: My mom berating me for being vocally uncomfortable about things! Because apparently I'm required to like everything.) Part of the problem is that I don't have a clear idea of what loving behavior looks like, not even in friendships. Any time someone's not hostile/emotionally distant toward me, it triggers a "Master has give Dobby a sock!" moment. Guessing that was love put me in a relationship with someone who was hostile toward my political views, hobbies, friends, emotions, and so on. There's some sort of sliding scale from friendship to romantic love, but my emotional meter has never registered something above friendship... I think. I like people a lot, so I tend to care about their emotions and likes and dislikes regardless of whether I find them attractive. (A fair point though.)
honestly im not seeing a "fetishistic" vibe at all, it just seems like you have a type, and that's waaay different from fetishizing. and i guess it's currently less common in the western world for people to be specifically into chubby guys but like, these "standards" of attraction/what is percieved as normal change across time and culture. like for example if you look at a bunch of paintings from europe from the middle ages, a bunch of them feature chubby women because at the time that was what was considered attractive and desirable. another example is that nowadays body hair on women is often seen as gross, but that is a fairly recent thing. go back 50 years or so and body hair on women is considered normal. and people are picky about random things all the time and it's okay, like i have a friend who absolutley will not date anyone shorter than her, for some weird hetero reason... but even that's not fetishizing, it's just her preference. basically i don't see anything wrong with your attraction at all! i guess if you didn't view them as people it might get kinda yikes, but from reading what you wrote that really doesnt seem to be the case. and ugh i totally feel that "Master has given Dobby a sock!!" thing. last person i imprinted on... well in short, it did not end well. :( but it was so great for a little while, sigh. i think i might be in a similar boat with you on the love front. :/
