In which every post begins with a song recc in the style of ancient websites now lost to Men

congrats on successful professor reconnecting!! i am sure catching up will go well, you've done a ton of like, difficult hard work and shit, gotta respect that

also a+ hands, i'mma absorb sme of your skill cause the studio that i just interviewed with mentioned they dONT HAVE A HAND LIBRARY and ill be DRAWING MY OWN HANDS FOR ANIMATION if i work there so. need me some of that

 

@Acey you light, you lil candlelight, thank u for the constant hyping, idk I’ve just been obsessively drawing cartoon hands and feet in isolation for a while so my skills have improved. You can REALLY see how much I’ve absorbed ikeda riyoko into by veins with this particular thing. I also LOVE drawing many-limbed devas do I had 2 get better

@theambernerd in that case I recommend exactly what I described above. Rose of Versailles, the whole thing, then an inexplicable hand-drawing bug.
The cool thing is that even if the one prof doesn’t follow through or doesn’t want to by that time I’d be comfortable asking one of my ‘supervisors’ (I do whatever I want) at work for a recc bc Ill have been here for 6 months so WOOO

 

the hype is genuine!!

 

Literally too fucking kind..... >u<

 

Life is hard but markers are soff

Spoiler

I go through a lot of paper each and every day since drawing is almost very nearly a twitch/quirk to me and it’s just what my hands do. Half of my last sketchbook is just lovingly painted porn this is just what makes me look less insane.

 

goddamn those colors are gorgeous

 

A large selection of prismacolors, many slapped on unblended! I’m beyond lucky to have a huuuuuuge stock that I didn’t pay for. Hand me downs. But I’ve only now starting learning how they work. They are a medium halfway between flat coloring and painting. The closest you can get to those bright, beautiful digital art colors without doing digital.

Spoiler: This isn’t even the whole trove

VERY easy to color creatively when you have so many choices the rest is just unburdening yourself of the knowledge of what colors actually go together

 

~ aaaaatt the emergency veeeeeet ~ because one of Darling’s ferrets shows all the signs of dyyyyying ~ pretending it’s not that bad right now ~

spoips: vet called from the office. She recommends putting her down. This is great. Loving this

 

She’s less than 2 pounds of creature and does nothing but love everyone. It’s so fucking unfair. And she’s happy and energetic! We just get to choose whether to watch a paralyzed creature decline or let her go

 

Really..... getting Tired of the least fun symptom I have of bad brain/MDD periods, which is having a hard time expressing myself clearly. I’m focusing hard on making comprehensible sentences with clear grammar when normally that is a very simple thing. I see my own writing and know it’s screwy but can’t figure out how to simplify it!! It’s weird to not be able to fully control how I express myself.

In rare moments I’ve seen myself go full word salad :( it’s not lost on me that That’s Not A Good Sign but it typically only happens when I’m diarywriting or expressing something to myself??? Maybe my High Love of unusual grammar conventions is just enabling me to express my broken brain in a broken fashion. Sure!

 

Spoiler: Draws

 

:/ dad took the van. Mum is in the shower so I’m reluctant to ask if I can drive her fancy car I’m scared stuff of marking up and also, mom’s semi-disabled by pain rn? Bought to get ugly if I can’t get him to pick up his phone because I’m sure as shit not missing my psychiatrist appt and going off meds.

 

mom has to drive me, an adult with a car, to my crazy lady appointment because life is unfair.

 

THE APPOINTMENTS ARE 100% CALL IN. I DIDNT HAVE TO EVEN DRIVE ANYWHERE!! IM A CLOWN

 

broke: heterosexual
woke: gender locked

 

Workout thoughts: total peace is harmony. My total peace is harmony of pain. No longer sure 100% what that meant in the moment but I was really jiving with some glitch tunes I was listening to.

 

This is the track that backgrounded a small epiphany. The trembling in my muscles fit the broken blurry chords and everything seemed to go together for a minute. Constructed pain; I chose to work my muscles and the song was carefully made by an artist. But wouldn't I be in more pain if I didn't work my body and let it degrade? I would be.

I was thinking a little about Anna, our ferret that died. We had to put her down; Darling has lost a lot of small animals in the past few years, and I would comfort her but it would hurt. It was disharmonious. I wasn't sad about the loss, I was just passively trying to absorb her pain; I only cared that she felt less pain. It never felt like solace, nor like I did anything. After some time it became hard to want to comfort her. When Anna died I was almost as upset as she was; we sobbed together and I was just as miserable as she was; active, harmonious, productive. But can that be faked? Can you open yourself to truly feel misery that isn't yours?

I always felt joy when I really accessed another person's misery; the joy of being trusted, that I understood, that I got to be in their head. That's not really feeling what they feel; that's just finding it. Actually immersing yourself in another's pain and feeling it; can it be manufactured? i don't know.

Maybe should have been a diary post and not a blog post.

 

Now if only I could remember how that psyche-breaking dramatic rape scene was going to start because I freaking wrote myself up to it