catalogue of nighttime skulkery

new brain meds said they would make me feel Dizzy and psych made an offhand comment to cut back on coffee, but didnt say Why
so i drank like... a Cup of my usual sludge this morning and i dont know if its the meds or the coffee but everything feels Very Close and also Very Far Away

 

went to ohio this weekend, got to see little brother and his dog. many rompings around lighthouses and weird ohio trails. revisited the old windmill that we previously tried to touch at ages 15 and 18 respectively, joked about the bike cop waiting for us still but he was nowhere to be seen.

 

ITS BEEN AGES. WHOOPS.
-stopped brain meds bc negatively affecting.. my everything. so glad to have my five muted emotions back.
-quarantine sux
-my roommate lad got a longboard and lets me take it to the graveyard at night while i wait for the skateboard i impulsively ordered to come in. i have become. a parody of myself but its also super peaceful and the roadways are really good for skating (its a fucking juge cemetery). there is one hill tho that i have not mastered, bc it is too steep. I learned. some lessons.
Like, sometimes, you think, this a really steep hill in this graveyard and i want to skate down it, but i dont have a helmet, so im gonna sit on the board instead. thats definitely safer.
but it turns out, in reality, that you will still go too fast to be in control, and sitting on the board means you cant leap to safety. imagine a crab on its back, on a skateboard, going down a hill.
i lived tho, with only a tiny asphalt kiss upon my left elbow and palms.

 

it's been chilly and wet all day and my windows are rattling pleasantly. perhaps i will listen to An Spooky Podcast, or An Spooky Audiobook this evening. feelin tender about shirley jackson

 

so i grew a beard bc t plus quarantine and cat-named-fish Loves to scrub her soft little goblin face on it, and its so so sweet, but my sinuses. do not love it.

 

Fish-Cat (plus an unflattering image of my face and quarantine beard)

 

i want to talk to everyone in the world about what music they like because sounds are so good and humans making music for each other is the greatest, most human thing in existence maybe.
this week ive been listening to a lot of midtown, two specific songs by foxing (medic and rory, repsectively), 'oliver appropriate' by say anything, kevin abstract, and this little bi low fi artist my roommate really likes, brakence
what sounds have yall been listening to, if anyone reads this ?

 

my friend turned me onto carpenter brut (specifically their album 'trilogy') and it is very good, highly recommend, it's a bit electronic-y a bit metal a bit lofi

 

wait. wait. i just made a connection. wait. are you spikekat on tumblr too.

 

yessssss?

 

also ive listened to them! i liked what i heard, kind of reminded me of infected mushroom and blue stahli

 

bro im thegreatratsby on tumbl!!!!! we like, semi-recently reconnected on there omfg

 

OH MY GOD. BRO!!! DOUBLE RECONNECT...

 

LICHERALLY....WHAT THE FUCK..........have we been in the same circles for all these years............absolutely buck wild

 

I GUESS? i sporadically use kintsugi but ive also. sporadically used it for years oh my god. guess we're fucking Brain Twins. We Were Meant To Be Mutuals(tm)

 

so it turns out the single downside of this stupid cheap skateboard is that now skater kids will talk to me outside of skate parks
and i feel. both ashamed of not being a skater kid (im old, for a skater! i dont know shit about boards except that mine sucks and i love it!) and so sad that like.... man if i was like, four years younger. if i hadnt been so sad when i was sixteen. if i was good at talking to other kids at all. if i had lived Not in rural nowhere.

 

also im allowed to be sad on main on kintsugi so like, im sad, all the time. and thats unfortunately manifesting as wanting to snap at all my friends because i feel so unsupported and used any time they want or need anything from me and it sucks, i just, cant ask for anything because every time (years ago lmao) i did they said no.
ugh
everyone is struggling OBVIOUSLY and i feel selfish for also struggling

im writing these 2 posts in the wake of "oh god i embarrassed myself in front of strangers" haze btw, if u couldnt tell

 

they were so nice, which is the worst part. so drunk lmao. and so nice

anyway im gonna go smash bottles next to the train tracks bc apparently im reliving my teenage years... this is coping

 

i saw a train on my way back.... that helped. walking outside where there were no people also helped. i keep insisting to my therapist that im a bit weird and sad and not traumatized but. even nice and sweet interactions, or just the presence of other people, even when i know them, sure does send me into a sympathetic nervous response huh.
im gonna try to talk to my roommate like a person tomorrow

 

i feel like its worth noting that today i am still sad and upset and angry
but the profound sense of panic and shame i felt when a stranger i wanted approval from was kind to me is gone and now seems silly. i wasnt pretending anything. they didnt think i was pretending anything. they could tell i was new, wanted to make sure i was okay (a very sweet part of the story i left out was that they came over to talk to me after i tripped to make sure i wasnt injured or too intoxicated to make it home), and invited me to hang out by the skatepark during the day, when i was less busy. thats all that happened. it was okay. i am okay.