The Grouch's Trash Pile [Baldur's Gate 3]

I think @tentaclegremlin requested it, and now that I'm far enough in ShB, here it is: Yisun's thoughts about Emet-Selch! (Spoilers up through lv 77.)

Spoiler: What is this guy's deal??

Yisun doesn't trust Emet because duh, Ascian, and that he's way overly familiar -- even moreso than that creep Elidibus -- really grinds his gears. But he's also literally the only one of those snide immortal motherfuckers who isn't condescendingly cryptic 100% of the time. With how Emet pouts and flounces and yet keeps showing up and wanting to be included, Yisun is starting to think that the 'let's be friends!' act isn't entirely an act, and it baffles him. It's got to be an act though, right? Emet's just being overdramatic and sulking to get under his skin, right? ... Right??

It pisses Yisun right off. It also pisses him off that he keeps catching himself almost playing into it, almost giving back snarky rejoinders. So instead he stuffs it down until he can't stand it anymore and lashes out verbally -- or almost does before one of the Scions elbows him in the ribs or kicks him in the shin. (The only one tall enough to apply hand over mouth is Urianger, so the others have to resort to other measures -- except for Minifilia, who just looks so distressed that if he happens to notice he manages to swallow whatever nasty thing he was about to say to Emet.)

But he can't help himself from being terribly curious, because as much as he hates it, Emet is interesting, and he actually will talk, although his condescending attitude and how, the moment he gets a little bored, he cops a 'now run along, little boy' attitude always makes Yisun almost regret giving in to curiosity. But he can't help it, especially after Emet rescues Y'shtola -- in Yisun's experience thusfar, the only thing Ascians created was discord and destruction, and whatever their supposed reasons, they seemed to enjoy it. Every last one of them was a sadist. But Emet can not only sense the Lifestream, he can pull people out of it, and on top of that, just... snap his fingers and recreate Y'shtola's clothes. Just like that.

When Emet talks to the Scions like exceptionally slow children who are just finally starting to figure out that 2 + 2 = 4 at the Qitana Ravel, he's just infuriated. Now they're 'finally' starting to ask the right questions? How were they supposed to know what to ask in the first place? Ascians always seem to be doing this shit -- acting like mere mortals are stupid for not knowing as much as them, setting those mortals up to fail, then acting like it's the mortals' fault. He punched the wall in sheer rage after Emet vanished. (With the side of his fist; he knows better than to punch rock knuckle-on.)

And when Emet gives Thancred that nasty little lecture back at the Crystarium, after Lakeland has been attacked by a horde of sin eaters, Yisun just walks up to him, puts his entire hand over Emet's face and says, very quietly, "Stop." There is a held-breath moment where everyone, including Emet, freezes with shock. It drags on as Yisun tights his grip just a little. Then Emet twists away spluttering about the audacity of some people, ugh, and anyway he thinks Minfilia's idea is marvelous. Nobody's quite sure why Emet just... let it go so relatively easily, even though his expression is one of complete offense. They don't ask Yisun about it, because he looks like he's on his second-to-the-last nerve. (Finding out he might turn into a monster in the process of saving the First, and then that awful battle for Lakeland has frayed him pretty badly.)

 

Not much further on in the story level-wise but a LOT has happened--

Spoiler: It's been harrowing.

Even though Yisun wasn't close to OG Minfilia, as Voice of the Mother he found her terribly unsettling -- not really herself anymore. He wasn't any less unsettled by the visions he's had in the First, and certainly not by meeting her face to face for one last time. He has the distinct feeling that, had Minifilia opted to give up and let Minfilia take her body, Minfilia would have come back as strange, eldritch, and definitely not the Minfilia Thancred remembered and wanted back.

Still, he's nervous when he and Minifilia return to the group, even though Thancred is in much higher spirits than he's seen him thusfar, despite the incredible beating he's taken. But Thancred welcomes her with open arms, even gives her an adorably sappy new name, and Yisun is relieved. A weight is lifted off his shoulders and he goes to Malikah's well in high spirits of his own... high spirits that don't last. He absorbs the Lightwarden's aether and feels that crack, like something fundamental in him is breaking, and he feels a flash of something he's felt so seldomly it takes him a while to identify: panic.

Later, when that feeling comes again and doesn't stop, he has a full-blown panic attack. It's the worst pain he's ever felt, both physical and somehow existential, but worse than that is what it means. He can barely see Ardbert's shade through the blinding haze and his memories of Tesleen's transformation--

And then it's gone. Somehow, Yisun is the one thing in the world Ardbert can directly interact with, and it did... something. Somehow. He's not exactly clear headed enough to puzzle it out, and Ardbert looks nearly as distressed and surprised as he is.

He drags himself upright at the knock at his door, and it's only after he opens it and the Exarch gasps, horrified, that he realizes his face is wet and his eyes sore. He'd been sobbing, even though he hasn't cried in years.

No rest for the wicked, though, for Echo dreams and Emet fucking Selch await.

His little lecture to Thancred wasn't just a one-off, Yisun realizes; the Ascian has gotten nastier. Not the blatant casual cruelty of the others, but spiteful little barbs, like he resents them. Not just in general -- Emet makes it abundantly clear he resents anyone who isn't an Ascian -- but the Scions especially.

"Case in point--I do not consider you to be truly alive. Ergo, I will not be guilty of murder if I kill you."

It's at that moment that Yisun's conflicted feelings turn to absolute loathing. He doesn't even try to hide it, and in response... Emet turns on the charm? Like he actually expects Yisun to give a shit about proving himself to someone like Emet? LIKE HE EXPECTS IT TO WORK??? He's too angry to think of a response.

Then Lyna comes in and it's off to the horrors of Eulmore, and he feels like he shouldn't really be surprised Vauthry has been feeding his citizens sin eater but he kind of is, nonetheless. He takes out his aggression on Ran'jit, whose dying words only make him feel worse, and he's all ready to beat the shit out of Vauthry, but going up there and seeing... that... is another horror that leaves him reeling. At least his feeling he wasn't talking to a man, but some sort of monstrous, bloated larva was correct, in a way...

 

And the rest of 5.0!

Spoiler: "Make proof of your usefulness. And then we may speak again."

lmao psych! Emet can't stay away!!

Yisun doesn't get why Emet keeps doing this, flouncing or acting like he's not going to show up until Yisun does some incredible feat, and then showing up to chitchat anyway. And now at the Ladder Emet is sweet talking him? He'd like to completely dismiss it, but it isn't anything like the sugared poison Elidibus offers up to his targets; Yisun thinks Emet genuinely means it, and he genuinely thinks that it's something that could ever bring Yisun around to his point of view. Who gives a shit if he would have liked the old world? Who gives a shit if he'd be 'complete', whatever the fuck that actually means? So what if he had fancier magic powers. He sure as hell doesn't feel like any more of a person than anyone on the First, even though Emet has all but said he is. Why the hell should long lives and fancy magic and never having strife (which, considering how every Ascian Yisun has met has been an enormous asshole, he seriously doubts was the case) make anyone more of a person?

He goes up the Ladder disgusted and disturbed, but keeps it to himself due to Ardbert's calming presence.

Fortunately, he's too busy to get mired in thinking about what Emet said, or worse, to think too much about the growing corruption within him. As it comes close to the zero hour, he only keeps his mind on whatever task is immediately in front of him and ignores the growing dread about what will happen to him when he kills this final Lightwarden. So much of Norvrant coming together to build a Talos on an unbelievable scale, seeing it actually rise from the horizon, and seeing the pixies come to his aid (even though he can feel Feo Ul cursing his heartlessness and has a rare pang of guilt) buoys his spirit up immensely. He fairly charges up that mountain.

But when he absorbs that final Lightwarden, it's worse than he ever could have imagined. His soul feels like it's trying to turn inside out, and every particle of his body is wracked with the pain of resisting a vast, monstrous transformation. When the Exarch shows up, he can barely parse what he's saying -- he's almost relieved when it turns out he can't make sense of it because it doesn't make sense, but that only turns to even more acute distress when he realizes that the real plan is for the Exarch to die for him.

The Exarch, who, as it turns out, has been a much-missed friend all along. Another friend willing to die for him! It's almost too much--

AND THEN GUESS WHO FUCKING SHOWS UP. And has the solid steel balls to act disappointed in Yisun for not being able to do nigh-impossible. As if he'd expected Yisun to be something -- or someone -- other than what he was. And he mocks Yisun for it.

Even though he's in more pain than he's ever been in in his entire life, Yisun still has enough room for a vow of pure, red-hot fury -- even if he should turn into a monster, he will have his vengeance and kill Emet-Selch.

When he wakes up days and days later, that fury is rather subdued by bleak despair. The Light is back, the Exarch is gone, his friends are desperate, and he's this close to turning into a world-ending monster. Ardbert being a constant, comforting presence is one of the few things keeping him together. He's ready to throw himself at Emet, alone, because he's tired of people hurting and dying to save him. (Not that he gets away with it, but even though he's terribly worried, he's glad for his friends coming along with him.)

He doesn't know what to expect when they get under the ocean and go to find Emet. He must have expected something -- a trench, or maybe a lightless abyss -- because he absolutely did not expect Amarout. It's grander than any other place he's ever seen or heard of , and the sheer scale of it -- meant for those shades of robed giants -- makes it hard for him to get his head around it. It's beautiful, but at the same time, uncomfortably uniform.

And the people... he's not sure how much to trust about them, being simulacrums from a biased source, but he doesn't think that Emet would let slip through what some of these giants say if he had only made a glamour to dazzle and tempt. Most of them are kind, but some are petty, haughty, arrogant... they all talk about themselves as if they're the center of the universe. Even though doom is bearing down upon them, some of them speak of it happening to other people as if it were an curiosity, whether or not to assist as an academic exercise. Even though they all talk to him as if he were a precious child, one threatens him with the judgement of all of society if he doesn't make his appearance conform. They may be vast, and vastly powerful, but they are all too much like the people he's experienced every day to see them as any better than himself or his friends.

Then he meets Hythlodaeus, and does that ever throw him. Not the revelations about Zodiark -- those are important, yes, but he can take those in stride -- but that Ardbert and Yisun share pieces of the same soul, and that soul was someone Emet-Selch once knew.

Yisun's first thoughts are to doubt this shade, but he remembers what Seto told him about having the same color of soul as Ardbert, of seeming like him. He remembers when his soul was cracking and the warm, centered feeling that replaced it when Ardbert touched him -- the only thing in the world that Ardbert could touch.

And he remembers all the times Emet-Selch was too familiar with him, was downright chummy. He remembers all the times Emet looked at him wistfully, and how Emet told him about Amarout, but 'of course you wouldn't remember'. He remembers the sheer vitriol with which Emet spoke to him when he couldn't hold the Light. Yisun failed to be who Emet hoped he was -- or be him in the way Emet hoped he was -- and took it as a personal slight.

... It only makes Yisun more angry. All along this stupid high-handed evaluation Emet pretended he was doing was actually him saddling Yisun with his hopes and expectations and then getting mad when Yisun couldn't fulfill them, turning all his vitriol on Yisun, acting like he was an imposter even though it was an imposter to a claim Emet had made in his own mind. Even though it turned out to be a correct claim, it was one doomed to failure, because whoever that person Emet had known was, Yisun was himself now, and even if his body could contain the Light he'd still make his own choices as to what to do with it. Even if he still was that person -- and from the way Hythlodaeus spoke, something about him other than his soul struck a familiar chord -- he might still disagree with Emet's goals, something Emet hadn't even seemed to consider. Emet seemed to think that if Yisun was who he thought he was, and he knew the full truth, he would of course agree. Was it the tempering, or was it more of the stubborn, arrogant pigheadedness of these ancient assholes???

Emet's rant doesn't move Yisun's heart even a little. All he sees in front of him is a bitter jackass made all the more bitter by eons of comparing new life to the old and only seeing the differences, only magnifying the flaws, pushing and prodding and manipulating, uplifting the worst, then pointing at the ensuing destruction and saying, "Well, you did this to yourselves," as if his own society didn't have to drape themselves in shapeless robes and anonymous masks to maintain consensus, and still treated lives outside their city as academic matters to be debated.

"Do you honestly believe that half your number would sacrifice themselves to save the other? OF COURSE THEY WOULDN'T!" -- but Yisun knows there's more to it than that. Everything Yisun has seen in the First, and everything he's learned of how people struggled to keep hope alive in the timeline the Exarch came from have showed him that. He's seen some of the very worst of humanity, yes, but he's seen some of the very best, and he wouldn't lose that for anything -- and especially not the promise of Emet-Selch's hollowly 'perfect' society. (How many of those sacrificed agreed with a clear mind, and how many were coerced via social pressure...?)

At the end, he knows, he knows, that whoever he and Ardbert once was, that man would do the same. That man would stand up against Emet, no matter what he meant to Emet, or what Emet meant to him. That doubt he hears in Emet's voice makes him fiercely glad -- it's time to learn some humility, Hades!

And boy does Yisun ever give him a lesson.

 

(@tentaclegremlin pssst I wrote the thing last week, look)

*ahem* Anyway--

There's a Nier: Automata crossover raid in FFXIV that has a 2B gear coffer as a reward. I glamoured the bottoms on Yisun because his current chestpiece is this neat drapey thing with a full skirt that I don't have the matching bottoms to yet, and I was like, teehee, secret sexy undies, and thought that maybe other players might get a glimpse of thigh every so often.

It's taken me a couple days to realize that the skirts on that top flare up and out a lot more than I thought.

Spoiler: I see the full moon is out this morning

Since 40-50% of his skills make that skirt fly up, I have to wonder how many people have gotten eyefuls XD

 

Considering Nier Automata has a dedicated "remove skirt" attack, that's extremely on-brand :D

 

I still feel a little sheepish, but otoh if people don't want relatively frequent eyefuls of shapely behinds of all genders, FFXIV is the wrong game for them. Players do like their sexy outfits, and this game gives them a pretty good array of options for them.

 

This morning I discovered that Gordon Cat has started clawing the shit out of any clothes I leave hanging in the bathroom, so now I'm minus two tank tops. Bottomed out my mood completely and I'd only been up for ten minutes. T_T

If anyone has any EU-accessible online shops to recommend that have decent men's cotton tank tops/singlets, I'd really appreciate it (and I promise not to be a picky weirdo about it -- I know I've been difficult in the past). Stuff that looks like normal outwear and doesn't show too much chest, sort of thing.

 

I'm reading this twitter thread where people talk about the worst mistake they've made in a Dragon Age game and the number of people who said they sacrificed the Chargers and then were surprised when Bull turns on them in Trespasser has me gobsmacked. I just Do Not Comprehend missing that the Qun sees people as tools -- the game practically beats you over the head with it -- and using the Chargers as a tool to be thrown away reinforces Bull's belief that he is ultimately a tool to be used up and thrown away, too.

Second runner up in the "well what did you think would happen" sweepstakes: the few people who told the elf in Crestwood that her idea to join the Grey Wardens was an excellent idea and then were surprised she's a sacrifice at Adamant. Even for someone unfamiliar with the Wardens, the fact that they're acting really weird and we're going to talk with one who is hiding out from the rest of them due to them acting really weird should maybe, possibly be a clue that signing up with them is not the best idea at this time.

 

I was trying to avoid time traveling in ACNH, but a tumblr acquaintance had promised me Muffy when she eventually decided to move, and she'd gotten her in boxes today, so move-out bubble hunting I went. Got my last starter to go (I'll miss you, Bangle!) and my favorite goth sheep is moved in. Look at her house. It's so good.

 

*happy yelling about 5.3 msq*

 

It's Moonfire Faire!!


(click thru for fullsize since it's huge)

 

The Faire gear this year is sO GOOD
Did you finish the story? OWO

 

I did! I LOVED IT. Congrats, SE, you got me to feel pity and sadness for a character I'd only held contempt for before, and explained a lot of their strange decisions.

Puppet's Bunker was also great. The story is still pretty thin but eh, w/e, the fighting and dying was amazing. XD I'm going to have to look up a guide before I go in next because it was all mostly a blur of freaking out and dancing my butt off.

 

Yesterday I skimmed through a video of Puppet's Bunker and then queued up a couple of times, and got through both times a lot more confidently! I went as white mage, which really helped -- white mage is the job I started the game on and that I've played the most and feel most confident on, even though healing has a lot of responsibility. I feel more able to keep an eye on everything around me because I already need to anyway, and don't have procs to babysit.

Then today I joined a learning party for the new extreme on invitation of a friend, and after a lockout and a half we cleared! This is a BIG DEAL for me because the last time I cleared an extreme was... almost three years ago? And three of those were me just being carried through by overgeared friends who wanted to show me the fights. (The one that wasn't was SophiaEx, just before SB, which was one of the more stressful experiences of my gaming life for various reasons, but enough about that.)

It really helps that I had great callouts courtesy of an FC friend; if I'd had to rely on remembering the video I'd watched and trying to pick things up on the fly, it would have been much harder (and it was already pretty hard for me). I hope I can run with friends again; now that I have one totem I'd at least like to get nine more for one of the weapons, even if I'm not super into their aesthetic.

Spoiler: A bit depressing

Clearing that EX gave me a hit of serotonin I've sorely needed. I've realized that lately I've been kind of dissociated, and it really hit when I caught myself wondering if I really liked the new FFXIV content, or if I was just going through the motions because I thought I should.

I think I literally cannot look at the news regularly, though. I felt like I was just being cowardly or selfish wanting to avoid it, but, uh. I think my brain is actually crumbling a little, so I'd better stop.

 

I should probably finish the FFXV dlcs sometime soon before I forget everything... and then go back to FFXII, which I probably need to restart at this point, and maybe only focus on leveling and gearing a core team this time around (sorry Vaan and Penelo, but you're getting sidelined). I'm not sure how far I actually got game length-wise -- I was just to the point I could send them into the empire to do something or other. (I want to finish it because FFXIV is doing a lot of parallels with XII specifically, and I'm a total lore fiend.)

I should also pick myself up and dust myself off re: coding and enroll in another course. There's a lot of free online-only self study ones on offer for unemployed folks, but I'm not sure if I should try Java again, or try one of Python/C/C++. They're all intro courses, so maybe Java for a refresher (and something more 'official' to show to the employment office) and one of the others. And maybe a Finnish course if I can figure out any of these incredibly fucking obtuse university websites. (Why are they so bad and user-unfriendly??)

 

(I have a PDF of "Automate the Boring Stuff with Python", which is a great intro/recap of Python, if you want a copy.)

 

Yes please!

 

Completely obsessed with Iolis's new healer outfit. Pastel goth fairy prince is so completely 100% him.

 

me: WANT A CATBOY
also me: ok but having three alts is silly enough, having four is ridiculous
me: WANT CATBOY!!!! sulks for some days
me, after playing around in chargen: ahhh, I made a cute chocolate mint catboy! WANT CATBOY. Can play the revamped ARR with him!
also me: but it would be more sensible to just wait for ARR to be in new game plus and replay it that way.
me: sulks...
me: you know, the word cocoa becomes a lore-friendly keeper of the moon name if I put an apostrophe in, and I can handwave the scientific name for mint as a valid surname.
also me: OMG?? I love it..........................
also me: ... fuck. I guess I'm going to have a fourth alt now.


His name is Coco'a Mentha and I love him.

 

He'd like to meet my partner's mooncat Ravio'li :D