Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

just got to flex on my creative writing class. aside from a few things for a list, including the italian nun seeing my naked in thigh highs and laughing, i got to mention i've written about 800k in adult fanfiction and got to show them The Picture. the one of me in a kigu with Gay socks and dave cosplay.

if this class thinks im writing anything straight they are sorely mistaken.

 

neighbors had a violent scream fest that woke me up
banging, screaming, slamming, all that shit
cops turned up
everyone said everything was gucci so he left
everything's quiet now but like
i cant just sleep again after that.

 

been feeling apathetic and off all night and now into the new day
not sure why

 

self medicated with nutella

 

A poem about my hands. Which was the prompt given by my teacher. :U I haven't touched poetry in.... years. So this was fun tbh.


“Swan Lake With Fingernails”



Many say ten soldiers rest on the hilly brush of their palms

Identical in shape and purpose, poised, precise

I have ten dancers standing en pointe on a stage

Ten lithe performers that know how to flow across a keyboard

Willowy forms inter-tangling to make shadows on the wall come alive

My dancers sing to me on hard surfaces

They perform their Grand Jeté with my stylus to bring new worlds to life in my art

In water they take me along on their journeys

In sleep they form signs to repel the darkest dreams

My dancers weren’t always this graceful, this serene

I used to think they were defective

Worthless because they couldn’t do what I wanted them to the first try

I know my dancers better now

Their routines and idiosyncrasies

Watched from afar as they played at the ends of my wrists

Let them make their mistakes and bumble their steps as they learned

I reaped the fruitful bounty of my patience

Ten dancers rest on the ends of my palms, fourth position, in repose

Their show is far from over

But when they take their final bow

I know nobody will ever forget they existed

 

That’s beautiful.

 

got to talk with a doctor about what the heck has been going on with me. he didn't want to just prescribe random things for me, thankfully, so I'm being sent to cardiology and neurology again for specialist talks. i have a physical next week scheduled where i'll get all my vitals taken sitting and standing to see what's up with them, and im gonna try getting a flu shot at the same time to cover my bases. i was rlly worried with how this was a random guy who might not know much about POTS, but lucky me he didn't know much and decided to defer to his associates to get help instead of just writing me off.

he was also handsome as hell lmfao.

so all in all a generally good day. plans are being made. we'll see where this goes.

 

oh ew the cardiologist i have to see is the same dude who wrote me off really rudely before. ://///

 

first talk with new psych seems useful. He's very far away from me tho, so thank god for telehealth. He used to teach here at OSU for quite some time before moving, and apparently left home at 14 because of abuse. Been practicing longer than I've been alive. Very chill dude, very soothing to listen to. Good model for future behavior as a psych I think, tbh. But he wants me to do some intensive journaling that I've got the steps for.

all in all: hopeful.

 

between the news about ryan haywood and an associate being harassed by fanpol, my night's gone to shit.

 

every single night i've been having depression episodes
every single fucking night
like about 730 pm or so, I wind up feeling more and more sad and empty and just
bleh
idk what the fuck is up with that but its obnoxious and i'd like it to stop please

 

update: depression episodes now kick on about 6:30 instead of 7:30 and im not sure why.

 

Problem solving, please ignore if you just want commiseration

Spoiler

does that map close to sunset? I know I've needed to break out my little sun lamp thing, because waking up when it's already dark has been fucking with my mood too (I work night shift, 11 pm, and usually only get up two or three hours before my shift starts right now - so now that summer's over I'm waking up well after sunset).

 

i think it's less SAD and more rumination. :< around then is when my "multiple forms of stimulation" disappear and im just stuck with my own devices and thoughts. if it is SAD tho i'll be surprised, I've never had it before

 

Oh yeah that's a pretty reasonable explanation too

I didn't think I had SAD and then tried a sun lamp as part of a "well, I don't think it can HURT while everything sucks" and was surprised that it made a difference. I don't think I meet clinical criteria either, lol, but I am someone who's always been chronically vitD and iron deficient, so I'm not exactly surprised that it helped, either, I guess?

I thought it was worth mentioning because I think you've said that the time has been creeping earlier and earlier? Which felt like it might then be following the sun

Anyway. :C witnessed for sure

 

doc wants: bloodwork, neck xray, and this year's brain mri.

deep sigh
im tired, ya'll. nothing's even happened yet and i'm tired.

 

update on the nightly bluhs: i did laundry this evening around the time i normally get Bluh and ate something too. And I haven't had bluhs tonight? ????Go figure.

 

terror over upcoming election + general displeasure at current situation + lonely + want a family + desire to leave country = how do i find someone international to fall in love with and marry so i can escape the hellscape that is america google search

 

i spent like 9 hours doing math today and i crave death

 

school stress, health stress (it’s brain mri season on top of everything lmfao), and general stress aren’t combining to equal Productive At Art. So this is a heads up: I’ll be uploading the last two pieces I finished for conceptober and then stopping instead of completing the month of challenges.

I’m pleased with how far I got with it, but now that it’s becoming Stress I gotta stop for my own health. Stress makes me sicker and I don’t need a hobby challenge making me sick when I’m juggling the rest of the stuff hahaha.

Maybe next year I’ll finish >:) I’ve already gotten further than I ever have with a challenge before, the stars may yet align in my favor.

in other news, still wishing i was out of the country. feeling very bluh about it in general tbh, though i think some of the Trapped feeling is just from not being able to like. Leave the fucking house at all. I think tomorrow im gonna try going walkies to cash my college refund check. maybe treat myself to a burrito or something. try to deal with the repercussions of what may come physically from it best i can.

it'd get me out of the house, cash my check, get me food, and maybe clear my head of the nagging "WANT FLEE" feelings.