Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

49% on my first try at the math exam. jesus. it was like an entire chunk was things i'd never seen before, despite dancing through it on homework. spent a good 1/3 of the time panicked and crying and now my stomach aches something awful.

 

and a hot 66% on my italian review and probably worse on the exam
oh boi oh boi today sure is something

and that something is Garbage.

 

apparently the more confident i am about something, the worse I'll actually do?
i just
i don't need A's in these classes, i just need to pass them
i should be able to pass them
but
jesus h christ this is rough going rn ya'll

up side: the teacher accepted my form and gave me extra times for the remaining attempts tonight despite the letter not being complete, on the assumption that I'd get to have the completed letter soon enough anyway.

 

second try was a 57%, third try before i ran out of attempt time tonight was a 50%. I don't understand how I can get 100%'s on the homework and then bomb the tests so badly. emailed the teacher asking for advice and recommendations on what class to take in autumn after I inevitably fail this class.

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself but christ it's hard.
okay. silver lining. what's the silver lining.
i'll have a head start when I take this class again.
I was brave enough to get my LoA in after having a huge anxiety attack instead of just sucking it up and dealing with more anxiety attacks.
I'm having little breakdowns but its a normal human amount of breaking down instead of spiraling to hell and back.
I reached out to the teacher again to see what to do instead of just staying in silence.

im running low on silver lining right now, i'll take what i can get. i just feel exhausted and sick to my stomach.. im glad im skipping biology tomorrow. (I'm skipping because im deeply uncomfortable with tracking Every Minute Detail about my diet for a few days and sharing the data, even if there's nothing to "hide" that amount of tracking makes me wicked uncomfy mentally so. i'm taking the L and missing 8 points instead.) I'll spend the day looking over my italian notes, and trying to just... reset my brain.

 

so i informed my teacher that I'm skipping the lab and why. Why am I skipping lab? Because it's a lab about BMI and weight and digestion. Digestion? Fine. Weight and BMI? Not fine. It would've involved us gathering very detailed diet info for several days via a fitness app, and I believe would've involved waist measurements as well. I ain't about that life, not when it's been so long since I've had a spazz episode about my diet and size.

so I informed him via my pre-lab why I'm skipping. that it's for my own health and safety. because by god, i don't want to go NEAR a diet app. there lies the way to destruction for my mental health.

what's he gonna do, ground me? :/

 

Oof, I do not blame you at all. Take care of yourself!

Also it’s wild to me that they’re teaching BMI like that...like it CAN be medically useful in some cases but it’s so easily thrown off by muscle mass? I have Issues with it on just a fact-based level. And that’s not even getting into the fact that the way they’re doing it is potentially triggering to a LOT of people. :/

 

yeah im like "There's gotta be a better way to teach this..."

 

had another series of anxiety attacks doing homework last night. made flash cards to try imprinting the info into my head better.
but like. this sucks, why still panicking.
friend pointed out and said I might be stressed about upcoming surgery so all other stress is automatically Stress x2. which. valid thought, lame tho it may be.

 

MY ROOMIE IS A COLLEGE ADVISOR AND
SHE JUST REMINDED ME OF THE CLEP EXAMS

I CAN JUST. TEST OUT OF THIS SHIT/THE NEXT SHIT. I CAN SELF STUDY AND LEARN IT AND THEN TAKE AN EXAM AND BE DONE WITH IT SO I CAN TAKE MY DEGREE REQUIRED MATH. AHHH. AHHHHHHHH. There are OPTIONS!!!! Inexpensive OPTIONS!!!!

 

so i went to bed at 8pm bc exhausted for some reason. then proceeded to have ten hours of wild ass intense dreams that left me drenched in sweat multiple times.

zombie nightmare first that i couldn't seem to drop even after gettng up to pee.

then i was stuck in this like.. indoor theme park that was also a chinese restaurant?? and i couldn't escape under penalty of death because I apparently was owned by the park.

Then after that I had escaped and was stuck in a truck with arguing cousins, trying not to get discovered/caught by the place I'd been held captive in.

P SURE MY STRESS IS APPEARING IN MY DREAMS LMFAO

 

My math teacher: this is remedial math, I'm hoping you'll come to learn to like math with this class!
My math class: YOU MUST HAVE STRONG MATH SKILLS TO PASS THIS CLASS!!!!

Which is it, Remedial Math, or possessing Strong Math Skills, you don't get to be both here.

Also her Class Notes~ suck ass and I'm miserable. I just spent 2 hours WITH A FRIEND WHO HAS TAKEN ADVANCED MATH COURSES and NEITHER of us could figure the shit out. So I just. emailed her. and I'm hoping she bothers to explain anything to me rather than saying "Well it's clear in the notes". Bc this is bullshit. Clear as fucking Mud.

 

i slept after the being icky feeling last night from stress and woke up to... still feeling icky!

srsly when do i like. get to just experience Not having anxiety attacks over math?

 

in good news: ive lost almost ten pounds!

 

so. the teacher never got back to me. :U its been two days.
BUT
GUESS WHOSE GOT TWO THUMBS AND FIGURED THE MATH OUT AND REDID THE ASSIGNMENT TO GET THE 100% SO I COULD QUALIFY FOR THE 85% IT WAS WORTH BC IT WAS NOW LATE AND THE CUTOFF WAS IN A FEW HOURS.
THIS GUY.

I ACED THAT SHIT AND BARELY USED A CALCULATOR.
now watch me bomb the test :D

 

that teacher, an hour ago: of course i can help, what example problem are you stuck on?

jesus.

 

in other news, i don't have bpd on my record anymore i'm just listed as MDD and C-PTSD, holla.

 

got a 90% on my speaking test C:

 

ipad: get! and there's a learning curve, considering I've never used an apple product in my life.

hopefully this'll be of use tho c:

 

Do you have an Apple Pencil too? :0 Bc I ADORE mine for drawing. (Medibang is my art app rec btw—it’s totally free to use, and premium is only a one-time $8 purchase if you decide you like it!)

 

yeah i bought an apple pencil with it. c: ill check it out!