Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

fun fact: this ipad came in box with-

- a charging cord, with a usb end
- a plug in for a lightning cable

Not a lightning cable for the plug in. And it won't charge with my laptop. so I had to use my phone charger plug in. Works with that thankfully but j f c.

 

struggling with italian
there's just
so much information holy shit
i need to memorize all of this and im patently terrible at memorization
like
flashcards? don't rlly work well with me
i've got a plan to use the words in sentences and drive it home that way but theres just
so
much

 

I could ask my mom for some advice on language learning/memorization if you’d like! She has ADHD so she totally gets that not everyone learns the same way c:

 

I'm open to different advice tbh, I've been sponging ideas from studyblr and langblr as well to try cobbling together what'll work with me. so far my plan is to like. go back to chapter 1 and start using things in sentences. and scy mentioned doing the bilingual book route and adding the word in place into sentences in english to cement where it is and what it is. highlighting different formations of the same things or the part of the word to emphasize.... etc etc.

 

15 pages of notes down and still goin'. Sono stanco e allegrissimo. <3 I think this is really helping, I'm even picking up on words and phrases she glossed over that came up later and tripped me up.

 

Got my surgery soap! Shit stings my eyes but its whatever. It's important. Also confirmed I'll be getting Hella Antibiotics pre/during surgery and that the pre-op testing is to see how much my POTS might affect my risk factor. They'll probably have me on blood thinners instead of just aspirin for safety's sake even if they don't find any a-fib when they examine me just because I've got blood pressure rise and falls when I'm upright. Rather safe than sorry, yeah?

I'll be at 50% weight bearing capacity right out of surgery, so even easier than my osteotomies. Excellent.

My tough enemy for today is... math. Lots of math. Lots of confusing as fuck math.

 

finished the math on my own in fairly good time. feel shaky on it but it can't be helped.

Stressed. Really stressed. Nausea stage stressed. Feel like I need a hug and lamented that I couldn't have one.
Friend pointed out "I mean, you have a roommate you're close friends with, you can just. Ask for a hug."
and the concept just
fucking terrified me. like.
the idea of being so awkward and asking for a hug just made me freeze up and mentally crash.

so uh
add "terrifying fear of intimacy and sobbing openly at the concept of hugs because of how badly I want one but how awful it'd be to ask for one/probably receive one because i'm so awkward about it that i'd shake and cry"
I've hugged my roomie before, when she was upset and crying and very distressed. I've hugged her like. ffffffour times I think? Five? In three+ years?
I have no idea if that's a normal amount, or not much, or too much or what
i don't know normal human Hug concepts at all, i have no metric

remembering how i had to literally beg nathan for affection/attention just makes my stomach churn now

 

im at the stage of stress where it's just constant low key nausea and it's unpleasant.

 

me: :makes appointment at the first place that had an appointment for the CT scan I have to get:
my insurance: you mean this entirely other place, right? oh btw your appointment at place 1 is confirmed, there's no appointment at place 2 but we're only allowing you to get your CT scan at place 2 ;D oh and you HAVE to have it done before your surgery ;DDDD

 

POTS sucks, man. Even after having it for years, it still makes me surprised pikachu face because I fail to do things ahead of time. Instead of prepping over an extended period of time beforehand, like cutting veggies the day before or something, I washed the pot I needed, prepped and cut the veggies and meat, and started the curry to cooking all in one go.

And got very ill.

Again.

Like. Teeth chattering from shaking so hard, drenched in sweat, nauseated, dizzy, heart hammering in my ears, blood pressure bottoming out. Whole nine yards. I had to have my roomie finish the cooking for me because I didn't just hit my limit, I soared past it. I'm feeling better now, I managed to change my clothes and lay back down, and aside from feeling very weak and cold I don't feel ill anymore. But man. I'm gonna have to learn this fucking lesson eventually or the day i get my own apartment in the future'll be a pretty shitty one :/

 

its been two days since then and i still feel really weak and awful when i stand up this is bullshit i want a robobody :C

 

pro: the professor is pushing the italian exams till after spring break
con: im still entirely lost, because we did even MORE new shit today and she buzzed through it crazy fast

 

skipped class. feel kind of weird about it.

I had my pre-op appointment and testing done, waited a few hours till I could be picked up by roomie. Got really weird feeling in the car. Like. out of nowhere was very very wistful about being able to drive and having that freedom, thought about having my own place in the future for the first time in my life, got home, ate a salad bc I hadn't eaten all day and it was almost noon despite not wanting to eat, ate a half cup of salty snack to raise BP some more bc it was 100/70 at the office for some reason STILL, and just.. felt empty. Entirely empty. Devoid of anything. It was kind of alarming tbh??

So I skipped class. took a 3 hour nap instead. Friend thinks i might be burnt out, and I might be. I've been stressed about this one class non-stop because it's so intense for me, and a lot of goals suddenly settled into my horizon that feel concrete and pleasant instead of vague notions.

 

I ordered chinese for dinner last night. regret it. felt sad about it. because it's a comfort item, and it's food, so that's one guilty already. and when i asked my roomie if she'd like me to order her anything i got The Look and was questioned about other food in the house which just added to the guilt. so hiding and eating feels. i don't like it.

woke up still feeling empty and like ass so im just. gonna try an early morning shower and see if i feel somewhat more human afterwards. i have just the one class to do and then im off for a week aside from homework this week from my other classes. week and a half actually since i have no classes after the 17th and the 17th is the end of spring break. so. longer break for me, yay. just need to survive today and get myself out of this funk.

i wish i knew what was wrong with me.

 

small steps. took my shower. took out my trash. maybe if i unfuck my habitat a bit i'll feel a bit better. not sure.
no energy. still Empty feeling and its Weird. its like dissociating feeling but i'm still in myself.

 

another big flareup in the store. sweat through all my clothes, shaking, head pounding, heart going wild, blood pressure tanked. had to sit down. didnt start feeling better till i was outside in the car with my mask off because i wasn't overheating myself. pinged my doc to ask if face shields would be an option for me. feel weak.

 

Hm. this may be an issue. I have surgery precisely One Week from now, aaaaand... the knee on the leg that's meant to support the other 50% of my weight while I'm on crutches, the knee that had the most recent surgery JUST LAST YEAR and was given the all clear, is now hurting like a bitch and trying to dislocate because ????? Reasons.

 

having goals is Weird.
I was so convinced I'd be dead by thirty that I had no plans, no ideas on what I wanted out of life beyond some vague notions. I'd piss off mental health workers because I just deadass didn't have any realistic goals I could think of. (Aside from the one bitch who said that surviving, being happy, and being published wasn't Big Enough A Goal To Have.)
now??
now I want to re-learn how to drive and get my license.
I want to finish school, and get my masters.
I want to get a job doing what I love.
I want to get a car and apartment of my own.
I want to save money and travel, maybe even internationally.
I want to take a road trip with my friends, maybe go to Disneyland.
I want to be published, not only in nonfiction but in fiction.
I want to be secure enough that missing a few paychecks won't land me in the gutter.
I want to meet someone I care about, maybe date casually.
I want to maybe get married again someday.
I want to indulge in all my hobbies while being a professional and thrive in everything I do.
I want to love myself.

 

what i wanted: some funny bro/dadbert smut
what i have so far: 5k words of bro being domestic, eight year old dave being dramatic and cute, and Dadbert appearing Once.