sorry i don't make the rules: ridiculous/lighthearted headcanons

From Ticktockstuck's coexistence AU setting:

 

Two facts I just made up about Roronoa Zoro:

Zoro's navigation is so bad because 1) years of continuous sword violence means that he's now like 5% metal filings by volume. This has given him a very faint magnetic field, which he can subconsciously feel. However : the Grand Line fucks with compasses. Zoro knows he knows where North is, it's just constantly changing at all times.

Also the Roronoa family is a long line of hippies, farmers, and artisans. Zoro's aggression is due to an underflow error because generations of Roronoa were so chill that Zoro's aggro actually hit negative values. Which then wrapped around to the highest possible value. Like the famous Nuclear Gandhi bug in Civilization. Anyway this is how two of the friendliest, mellowest people in existence had a son whose sole goal in life is to swordfight God. This never comes up in canon because Zoro is, like, 90% sure he's the only Strawhat with living parents who aren't dicks, but also he's 100% sure he never ever wants to have that conversation.

 

I've been watching a Metal Gear Solid playthrough and to keep myself from going insane I decided Liquid Snake's biology teacher purposely taught him wrong, as a joke.

 

Considering early Homestuck sank ships with incest bombs before and ironic hints in the dialogue/narration are a big thing in the franchise, I have my suspicions that A. Claire was the model for the blue lady lamp who Joey makes a comment about wanting to meet, and she will meet her.

 

I can't find it right now, but there's a theory on troll biology that the ones we see walking around are a halfway point in the full metamorphosis line and almost none of them reach their final evolution, "male" trolls becoming Mother Grubs and "female" trolls becoming Drones. Thus, Mother Grub-like wings appearing on a male troll and female jadebloods being the MG's caretakers so it doesn't have competition while their evolved forms are its feeders. The theorist said they considered the pronoun confusion a bonus.

 

I had a dream that the Tridentarii had their own licensed board game about the court of Ida and I've decided to integrate it into my headcanons.

 

Ianthe cheats at it.

 

Expanding upon this headcanon: Jamie does know Arabic, but the Arabic he knows is in fact incredibly archaic because he is ABSOLUTELY that bitch who learns dead languages.

(There is a recording of him dramatically reading The Canterbury Tales in the original Middle English on TubeTube. It has five comments and they’re all Pearl correcting his pronunciation)

 

I used to think the carapaces were actually made of candy, and... I don't think that was ever contradicted, actually? Plus I'm pretty sure the cherubs were involved somehow in the creation of the game SBurb/SGrub in the first place (it seems way too complicated and specific to be an evolved thing when universes could just reproduce by fission or something) and they have the Trickster candy fetish, so...

 

life does whatever it can get away with, there is a real life fungus with 23,328 sexes and an entire clade of animals that reproduce asexually but grab DNA from fungi and plants to integrate into their own genome, so i would ABSOLUTELY believe that universes use the Sgame to reproduce naturally at least some of the time with it acting as a way to do horizontal gene transfer with organisms living within the universe (so long as Sgame was malleable enough)

but it having been created also makes sense

 

you know that thing that cats do where if you go to set them down gently they get all upset and wriggly, so you just open your arms and they sort themselves out?


rusty from steamworld also does that. he has fall dampeners, he can sort himself out, he WILL wriggle if you try to set him down gently and he isn't like, carrying something fragile

 

Something something candy like Skittles with the crunchy outer shells as carapaces...?

Grist being gushers is another layer of ominous

 

True! The Midnight Crew having "pornography" which in Deuce's case was just pictures of licorice whips is what made me think it, but now I think about it further, they keep their candy in their hats specifically and Tricksters have food stuck to their heads...

 

I mean, chitin (which is what an arthropod's carapace is made of) is made of a kind of sugar.

 

Ha! Good point.

 

Okay not headcanon-y, but I genuinely had no clue this was the case, thank you for the fascinating tidbit!

 

In my continuing adventures in watching other people play Metal Gear Solid, according to the characters Big Boss's clones age quickly and can't reproduce because of changes made by the genetic engineers, but I've decided that actually they didn't do anything and it's because during the opening mission of MGS3 he was within walking distance of a nuclear strike.

 

Oh, also: Solid Snake doesn't know what sex is.

 

Update: MGS3 ends with Big Boss making out with the lady who's been trying to stick her tongue down his throat all game, on a tiger skin rug, in front of a fireplace, while saxophone music plays, and then it fades to black and when the lights come on in the morning, he still has his pants on. I am approaching the conclusion that none of the characters codenamed "Snake" know what sex is, and this is in fact the true requirement for the title. That's the real reason they couldn't call Raiden that in MGS2: he knows what sex is.

 

From Tumblr: