Fishin' in the stream of consciousness (all-purpose, no topic chat thread)

Urghurgh my depression just took a weird turn in to grief street via memory lane :/

Like, Nanna (maternal grandmother) taught me to sew, right? She started with like those paper and yarn sewing tutorial kits when I was like 6, and when I got to the age I could be trusted not to stab myself repeated or run over my hand, I learned needle and thread from her and my way around a sewing machine.

I inherited her old Singer and all of her similar paraphernalia when she died. I don't think she ever really lived to see me actually Git Gud - she had dementia for years, so I often feel like I lost her long before her physical form gave out.

But anyway, sometimes I'll finish project - esp one I'm proud of and think 'maybe tomorrow I'll cut across the park and over the field and present this for scrutiny' and it'll be a few minutes before I go 'oh wait, she's not here any more.'

It's been nigh on a decade - longer, since the evil brain holes took away what made her my Nanna - and my brain still does this. Except recently my dumbass goes 'why bother starting? You've got no-one to show it to. Nobody cares.'

Bluhhhh

 

I have very few fond memories of school, but I used to (and on some level wish I still did) have very vivid dreams of my graduation, and seeing my great grandparents in the audience. Going home with them for the weekend to celebrate, just like I'd do as a kid.

They both passed before my graduation and I hate having to remember that when I wake

 

Spoiler: ramblings about my grandpa with dementia, death mentions

My grandpa on my dad's side is in the last stages of dementia right now.. it definitely feels like the grandpa I once knew departed at least a few years ago. Honestly, I never knew him that well, he was a very quiet man with very different interests from me, so I'm experiencing a weird mourning where I feel mourning for the relationships he had with my grandma and my dad.

I just visited grandma a week ago and she lamented a bit how he was always the one to manage house maintenance - she's had to learn a lot now that he's barely able to stand. talked about how she doesn't mind caring for him now because of all the years he cared for her. Luckily he hasn't suffered much in the way of personality changes, despite the fact that grandma's the only person he remembers now, so he's been able to stay at home with her. It kills me that while he's on death's door, grandma is in great health. she works in the garden 1-3 hours a day, has been learning new cooking and canning recipes, and now that she's some years out from her second hip replacement surgery, her balance and core strength is better than it was in her 70s. She's going to live another decade, and though she's not the type to show sadness to others, I'm really worried about her mental health.

My dad and my grandpa would always play cribbage when we visited.. grandpa forgot how to play about a year ago. I was up at the minnesota north shore after visiting them and saw some handmade cribbage boards in a local artist shop and about started crying in the store. Dad's also not the type to show his emotion outwardly so I don't know how he's been taking things, but.. I'm just worried. I'm sad for them. Even if I was never personally super close to grandpa, this has to hurt.. I'm also just a very sentimental person and permanent change hits me hard.

apologies for ramble, i've just... had it on the mind a lot since my latest visit. I visited a year ago as well, and given how grandpa's been over the course of the last year... i'd be surprised if my visit next august or september will come before he passes. I'm also in a family of people who had kids relatively young who have lived relatively long, so... all four of my grandparents are, at the moment, still alive. so this is also a new thing for me, which is unusual for a 26 year old but here we are

 

Ordered a bunch of books about folk stories/beliefs and my first one came in the mail today. I wasn't expecting it to be so thick! It's *checks book* 766 pages in total.

 

there is an mcr fan on my dash who has been having the time of their LIFE the past couple weeks. apparently Gerard Way has reached critical levels of gender.

 

ooo which ones? i mostly collect books of local 'true ghost stories' and similar but folklore and whatnot is also included

 

The Mammoth Book of Folk Horror Edited by Stephen Jones, The Golden Bough: A Study of Magic and Religion by Sir James George Frazer, Japanese Tales Edited and translated by Royall Tyler, and Russian Folk Belief by Linda J. Ivanits.

 

Dementia fucking sucks, my dude. Nanna was also diabetic (another thing we had in common) and she was a nurse in WW2, so after her husband Poppa passed away she became a complete nightmare because she'd forget to take insulin or take too much, and then forget to check her blood sugar and refuse to admit she was having a hypo.

She'd get savage, then. At one point mum had to go to the ER because in the process of trying to get glucose gel into her mouth, Nanna bit her thumb down to the bone :/// She NEVER even so much showed much in the way of temper before her marbles started to fall out.

Like I said, I really feel like the person I loved died long before her body did. It's scary shit :///

 

Made this monstrosity

 

Witnessed, man. I'm very relieved that grandpa's temper hasn't changed much, though he very much.. feels like a near empty shell at this point. We think it's vascular dementia (grandma refuses to get him a proper diagnosis because she feels like the questioning and such that they go through when they don't understand what's going on is cruel... mixed feelings about grandma's distrust of doctors but i'm not gonna try and argue with her) so about the only positive i've got goin is boy has this been a motivator to try and keep my blood pressure lower.

 

It doesn't matter how serious a movie/tv show is, the second I hear a Wilhelm scream I stop taking it seriously. We need to come up with a new scream. A better sounding scream.

 

Aw, but wilhelm scream is like, the longest-running video production meme!

 

i love the game i play of trying to find a wilhelm scream in every action movie or show. sometimes theyre well hidden in the background sound, but can usually find one.

 

Forgot to sign my lease this year and i just got a termination notice in the mail. If I talk to the main office and sign a new lease will they let me stay or am I screwed?

 

I think my tolerance for routine changes and/or dealing with people has dropped. I had two appointments and a birthday party yesterday and spent most of today sleeping and feeling pretty brain-drained. Is it possible to practice my standards back up by socialising slightly more?

 

I think just practice by having more going on social-wise day to day would shift it back up!! Immediately post-getting vaccinated in 2021 I started trying to ramp up social stuff more since I'm ambivert and though I didn't suffer terribly by having a very small social circle for a year I wasn't happy with it, and I found at my first few like, meetups with entirely new people that it seemed like I was back at a like, 18 year old me's level of ability to meet and connect with new people - I was a lot more awkward than I had been and had trouble figuring out how to be normal.. but now that i'm back to about the level of social activity I had pre-pandemic all of that's melted back away relatively quickly.

 

Took the wrong food home from the mexican place even though I made eye contact with the guy and it looked like he pointed at the food and then at me. Too late to go back for my quesadillas now

 

Getting anxious again about my upcoming art sale. Mostly about "how do I present my stuff professionally." Like. I know my drawings are quality, but most of them are literally torn out of sketchpads, and the edges are a little messy where the binding was. I could fix that and up the general look of them with matting, but that would be more prep money and also I have zero experience with matting pictures...

 

On further examination, sleepiness is probably actually concussion rather than social exhaustion because I did drop the dumpster lid on my head on Thursday. Calling the doctor tomorrow.

 

Hoping for good help from doctor