i'm just like stan pines (not any of the cool parts, though)

not the twin part. or the mystery shack part, though. not any of the cool parts.
the lacking motivation for stuff like school and real jobs part, the part in which i just wanna do something impossible for the rest of my life (in his case, sailing around the world with his brother; in my case, fandom stuff) instead of getting a job or getting into academia (even though there are things i vaguely like in those, i just don't really care about either of them, no matter how hard i try). just can't focus on any of that, at all...

anyway, i'm bringing this up 'cause mom, after i told her that i didn't fully complete one of my assignments for my university photography course (a scavenger hunt, basically), which was something she already knew i had trouble with, totally exploded on me. said that i didn't try hard enough, that i was making excuses, that she was too nice to me before when she allowed me to drop a course, that if i think i'm an adult (which i am, legally, 19 and all) she should kick me out and have me fend for myself, that she would now be restricting my life a lot so it'd be like i was a kid again, that she'll never stop being mad at me for it, that i don't ask for help, that i waste my time, that i sleep too much... that kind of shit.

usually, after she says stuff like that (and she doesn't say it often), she apologizes for soon after and decides not to actually enforce any of the harsh things she says, so i shouldn't be worried but... what if this is breaking point and she actually means it? what if this time is not simply rash things said in anger? (though that sure was what it sounded like.)

just... fuck!

 

-hugs if wanted-

 

If it seemed to you (who live with her and know her well) like rash things said in anger, and she's historically said things like that in anger and then apologized, then that's probably what it is. Not that that makes it okay for her to say things like that, because it is really not okay.

Electronic hugs if you desire them, and best wishes.

 

@whimsicalobservant thanks! :D

 

thanks for the hugs, best wishes and the assessment of the situation!

i keep on trying to remind myself of that, but it's difficult. every minute that passes without mom coming and doing her traditional "apologize, take back all the bad things she said, sit on my bed, talk to me in a soft voice and try to understand me" thing, i lose more and more hope. and i can't just come to her 'cause i don't wanna disrupt her cooling-off process. i have to let it last however long it needs to, to make sure i don't ruin it.

 

Generally people will do what they've done in the past. *hugs* if you want them.

When she does cool off, it might help if you could talk about ways she could give you structure that would actually help, because you might actually need some help with that (I certainly have at points in my life) and if she feels like you're working with her she might not feel like she has to work against you. On the other hand, screwing up one assignment and dropping one class isn't really Pines level fuckuppery either, so you might want a coach or counsellor for this, and that would probably also help dealing with her.

(When you get run out of three or more states for fraud--or, for that matter, frak the triangle demon and nearly blow up your own universe--then you can call yourself a Pines level fuckup ;-P and just remember, as much as we all love those two, your mom probably does love you more.)

 

@cryptoThelematrix thanks!
that's reassuring. :D
and for the hug!

i'm worried, though, that even if me and mom manage to agree on some sorta structure that doesn't treat me like a kid, i'll inevitablely end up falling out of it and getting her mad at me again. 'cause i've got hella executive dysfunction and anxiety (the type that stops me from doing stuff 'cause i'm afraid of failing and/or getting, like, the Tumblr Morality Police on me), and have trouble concentrating or caring much about stuff i'm not that interested in - and as i bet you've seen, i sometimes drop the ball on stuff that i am very interested in so just imagine how much i could fuck up on stuff that i don't really care about.

(:D good point there.
though some of the things mom said are making me doubt that she loves me more than you love ford. like, he may've fucked up more but even with that, you're a lot nicer on him, honestly, than mom was with me today. which may 'cause he's a fictional character but yeah... that reassurance's not ringing entirely true to me right now.)

 

This is a hella stupid question, but did you get assessed for something like depression and/or adhd yet? Because the "can't concentrate on anything I'm not particularily interested in" is my brain off adhd meds.
aka i know that feel. exec dysfunc is a bitch. -fistbunp of solidarity-

I'm going to second @cryptoThelematrix at this point - a counsellor might be a good bet, because those people are trained to deal with people who have trouble doing stuff - or can point you to people who are - and can offer an outside viewpoint. Your mother might be overwhelmed by your troubles and even if she is a trained psych, probably doesn't have the necessary distance to the issue to be able to help you. And if she isn't, then she probably doesn't have a chance at all.

 

@whimsicalobservant yeah, i got diagnosed with adhd a hella long time ago. i just didn't bother mentioning it 'cause, well... yeah...
and i have literally never taken any adhd meds, which is something i'd have pointed out to mom if we both weren't so mad.

thanks!
i do have someone like that, actually, though i haven't seen them in a while, and i might be seeing another soon, so that's covered, yeah.

and yeah, she's not a psych. though she typically gets me pretty well, which is what makes it especially bad when she suddenly doesn't.

 

executive dysfunction and most of the stuff surrounding adhd is pretty damn difficult to explain to people who don't have it, and even more difficult to explain to mothers.

brainweird man. how do you even measure a thing if the thing doing the measuring is bent?

 

@whimsicalobservant yep. especially since my mom is really good at getting stuff done that she doesn't like or care about, and when she was in school, actually got pleasure from being good at it. whereas i've just never really cared about how good i am at school, beyond, well, how it could get me punished or rewarded in the very short term - even when it comes to school stuff i like, haha.

brainweird, indeed.

 

I have ADHD and I think meds are a godsend. Worth a try.

 

Don't compare anyone's genuine love for you to my personal love for Ford Pines. That way, madness lies. That's fannish obsession x the first evidence in about 5 years that my libido still exists x perseveration x omg dat fluffy hair dat fluffy nerd. Be amused by it, don't use it as a yardstick.

 

@cryptoThelematrix yep. though 'cause of my sensory sensitivities, when left to myself, i tend not to take the anxiety and stomach meds i already have ('cause they taste horrible; yes, the caa saga should've made it hella clear why that it is a bad idea, i'm an idiot i know), so i don't have much faith in my ability to consistently take another med every day. though if it's sensory sensitivities and executive dysfunction that's causing my Only Takes Meds When Mom Is There To Supervise And Get Me Them And Generally Make It Unavoidable problem, they might help...
goddammit i sound so stupid.

and good point there about your love for ford. :D i think i'd kinda forgotten those things about it, haha. which, dunno how i could but yeah...

 

Seconding the adhd meds being a godsend

its like
you have a bazillion windows open on a computer and it's lagging like whoa and it's shifting between all those windows at random, and you take the meds and suddenly you can save & close most of the windows and just focus on one for a bit, and later if you want to do something else you just open the window again.

it' ridiculous.

and i took to setting my alarms on daily repeat so i dont forget to take them. maybe invest a buck or sth into one of those medboxes?

 

@whimsicalobservant :D

my meds are liquid, though, since i have trouble with pills (which is weird 'cause apparently i'm a good swallower [lol that's not innuendo btw, i took a swallowing-food test recently and got that result]), so i don't think a medbox would work.

 

ah, ok. my adhd meds are in capsule form.
but the alarm thing still stands ::D
i would forget my meds all the damn time if i didnt have three alarms set with the respective notifications of "stand up, take meds", "meds#2", and "meds #3".

 

@whimsicalobservant yeah, the alarm thing sounds like it'd work. :D

 

and update: mom didn't come to me, so i finally came to her 'cause i figured that after about four hours she had to have cooled down. i tried to remain calm, explain myself, put out a few of your suggestions, and yeah, it worked out. i'm not doomed, everything's okay - though i really should try to be more committed to my schoolwork, that's clear.

 

mom said that part was basically paraphrasing by the way, and what she actually said was more like, "it would be responsible of you if you had your own home and fended for yourself." still, in the emotional state i was in before, those two things sure sounded like the same thing. i dunno. so either i was remembering incorrectly, she was remembering incorrectly, or the words came out of her mouth at first differently than how they were in her head. or there could be a less charitable interpretation but that seems unlikely... i dunno but i figure i'd list all the possibilities i could think of, just in case.