therapy/counseling? What is this?

I have started things?
With the school counselor.

t is good, I can ramble at legnth about lots of shit, and its fine.
she said we'll be using CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)
We started a book today, Starving the Anxiety Gremlin
I'm not sure if I completely like it?
but everytime I think that, it feels like I'm saying I just dont want to get better?

cause its starting with giving your anxiety a form, and you can then reject it better or something?
and like.
im not sure if this is just anxiety anymore
I argue with myself
and it is like a different version of me
and sometimes its a bitch
but other times it can be helpful, if an ass about it
but like
it feels like it could just be 2 others
the asshole and a helpful one
but also the asshole has its own tone of voice, and stuff
I cant tell if what im saying is true anymore
as someone who is completely solid in any belief system
this is fucking confusing
it feels like it could be something along the lines of multiple voices
but also not?
like it doesnt harm in anyway

ex of convo with head: (red is head, normal is me)
"get up and shower"
"I dont want to"
"yes you do, you know you need a fucking shower so go do it asshole"
"fuck off"
"you need a shower"
"fuck offfffffff"
"nope"
"aurrrrrrrrrgh"
*me opens tab to something*
"no, no dont do that, if you do that you'll never get around to showering"
"dont care"
"yes you do"
"shut the fuck up"
"uh uh"
"stfu. Fine ill go shower"
"seeeeeee"
"shut up"
"mleh"

so as you can see im fucked up and kinda scared because I dont really like this but also not sure if I really feels like getting of this is a good idea
also scared as to if this fits into some brainweird definition ive never heard of.

this also started happening only after reading a feelsy dirk and AR fic, so I wondered if I was just latching onto something to change my brainweird to.


when I told counselor some of this, she said to think of it like ursula getting magicked up so that she looked like ariel, still just as evil, but less suspicious to the prince

Im so confused. I just want to get better
i like the therapy stuff, but im so confused

Im gonna go do something I can agree on for a while

 

If you don't mind me asking, can you remember the origin of the other voices? For instance, is there a time it was definitely your voice?

 

I'm not quite sure what you mean.. *heh*

If there was ever a time I was sure it was me on both sides of the conversation?
Maybe?
It mostly feels like AR in homestuck, but like, fanwork ar being a douche
like, kinda dirk, but also completely seperate from dirk
and a bit of a dick

fuck this messes with my head
because I can never tell if I'm just willing it to be there?
like, everybody talks to themselves, but am I just thinking about how this feels kinda different, and just willing it to be different

argh

fuck.

 

Oh, you answered my question.

I think you should either point out to your therapist that you don't think your anxiety is the biggest issue, you think something else is going on. If she seems unresponsive, I'd try someone else. Some therapists just aren't good fits.

 

my therapist is the only option right :| I quite like her, and I'm not 100% percent sure about this.. I just, dont want to make a huge deal about nothing, or something I myself am making happen.

I havent had it happen/did it to myself for a while, like 1-2 days, but idk. I feel like Im making it sound worse than it is.
I dont think I have something like multiple personality disorder or stuff


i dont want to even consider having something like that

 

oh fuck where did my being happy go goddamit

at least since talking about this I havent made myself think anything like that.

I am like 98% sure I was willing it to happen, like making myself believe I was "talking" to someone other than just me
I am one person
not multiple

I WAS HAPPY TEN MINUTES AGO WHAT THE FUCK
bluuh
just, sadness go away.
I am fucking happy, it is fucking christmas time
christmas is the best time of year for me
cause making people happy makes me happy
work on your gifts, feel happy be happy
you are fine, if only for a month
no more than a month gdi
i will be perfectly fucking fine
fine
my head hurts
i want hugs
oh fuck tears
dammit

I was fine before she told me to give it a form
before that it didnt feel like anything more than my previous talk to myself to beat my ex dysfunction
but now the book said that its easier to fight it back if we can picture it as a seperate entity
but i dont want something else in my head
she said I had was high in self awareness
is that why this fucks me up so much

there is no voice in my head
i refuse to let that be a possibility
there is nothing there unless I make something be there
nothing
is this denial?
I dont know
god fucking dammit

I want hugs

 

-hugs- I think you should tell her how much this is upsetting you. Maybe she can try a different method.

 

-hugsback-
I'm not sure. I feel shitty for dumping this anywhere let alone on the elementary school counselor the 3rd meeting, when she already received a big surprise the first one where I didnt just have anxiety, but also depression and ex dysfunction

dammitdammitdammit

 

Well if what she´s trying to do to Help you is not working, or rather making things worse, she needs to know.

 

okay.. how do I tell her though
I dont want to wreck me getting counseling with this..
hnrg
do I just show her stuff?
I dont want to say "hey look at this stuff I've been writing about you on the internet about how shit you made me feel for a while"
gurgbluhhnrg
I just want to get better

 

I would say yes, show her stuff. Also your brainweird is lying to you about how terrible this action is. You are telling someone trying to help you that what they are doing is not working, giving them the ability to try something else. There is no good reason for her to refuse to continue counseling you, unless she helps you find someone else who can do it better.

 

It might be good to write out what you wanna say - maybe like a letter of sorts? Sometimes that makes communication easier. Describe what you told us and how it's effecting you and how the things your focusing on in counseling now just make you more upset and stressed and you feel as if you may not be addressing the bigger issues in your life. If she's good at her job she'll understand that it's not a personal attack, it's a redirection in an important direction.

 

urg okay.

I see her sometime next week.
what stuff in here is important to put in?
what stuff is not needed?

 

I'm hoping have such a busy weekend will help counteract feeling like a piece of shit, and also I am at school tomorrow and am doing many fun things and stuff and can see 2 maybe 3 friends and plan more of our steven universe amrathon, which may or may not also happen this weekend.

 

rest of week is a mess

Tomorrow

• bring sister to school as show and tell
• hand in reading project I worked on all oftoday
• ask mme about parent teacher, since my parents didnt schedule one
• bug friends about when amrathon happens
• after school, stick around to work the book fair
• work book fair till 8pm
• choose free book? (they did this last year, not sure if they're doing it again)
• home
• sleep

friday

• maybe parent teacher?
• maybe marathon? (need to bug friends dammit)

saturday

• maybe santa parade (big party at dad's work with food but lots of people I dont know)
• maybe marathon

sunday

• maybe marathon
• grey cup party with dad's side of family
• ^aka many people who I dont know very well

 

I feel kinda okay now
I should probably go to sleep
I worked on Christmas presents though!!
will go do things tomorrow!

(I totally didnt make myself happy again by imagining me and my crush together what are you talking about)

 

Have a good weekend!

(Also I think the relevant stuff is the stuff you covered in the first post - how you've been feeling and why it's relevant to your life.)

 

I think the main point here, just to sum up, is that you're not comfortable using the technique of visualizing your anxiety as a separate sentient entity. It is messing with your sense of self and your sense of identity. And that's fine. You don't have to use this technique. And it's very okay to talk to your therapist about it. Like others have said, she is there to help, and so she also needs to know what does not help.

I have that issue too, it came to a head when I was about 17. Freaked me right the fuck out. It bugs me every now and again.

You can definitely talk to yourself and get through executive dysfunction without visualizing it as a separate entity. That is perfectly okay. If it is bothering you this much, just don't do it. Tell her next time that it was making you feel really uncomfortable. You can talk about it with her, and if you feel better about it you can always it try again. But it's not worth making yourself sad and anxious over.

Something you might consider is visualizing the anxiety/depression/exdys as a separate entity but not a sentient one. Not a personality, not a being, just a thing. Like a dark cloud, or dark energy, or something like that. I suspect what may be bothering you is the sense that you are giving agency to the anxiety/etc, which would be very unsettling. You don't want it to have control over you. If you visualize it as a nonsentient force, rather than a sentient being, you may feel like you have agency/power over it instead of the other way around.

Just some thoughts that have helped me out.

 

Holy fuck okay. Thanks to everyone, but um specially to Kay cause that hit it bang on that is exactly why.
I didnt realise till you said it but yes. okay, so I think I might put in the first post, but also Kay's (if that's fine?) because that just like read my mind that I couldnt even read like damn.

Maybe I should also put in some of my rambles? Like my "nonononononono i am me I am me" stuff?
*shrug*