Adventures in Depression

If you aren't in treatment of some sort, I strongly recommend getting some. Linking to a list of hotlines just in case. http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html

 

I am on meds.

I hate hotlines an chatlines they take forever to get connected and I am not going to risk shit by talking to a stranger.

 

Fair enough. I hope you get settled with meds that work soon.

 

Today my brain completely broke, which was super lame.

It's spring break, and so I am not doing anything (and it is colder this week than promised, which makes it difficult to get outside), and I've been having issues getting motivated to go to sleep on actual time. So, combination of that.

I haven't self-harmed since November, which is both great and terrible, because I also quit smoking around then, and it's tough to make myself believe that if I relapse it's not going to fuck everything up forever. I don't have a really great history with either quitting things or not getting addicted in the first place, which is kind of lame.
At the same time I don't particularly want to relapse, but I'm also trying to separate that from my sense of self-worth, I guess. Which is hard.

But I was sitting in bed at like 6pm, still in pjs, and a bunch of people were texting me/each other to hang out (in group messages, too, which is my personal definition of hell on earth. I hate group messages so much), and just fucking around online while eating oreos with a migraine. Because I know this is dumb, I texted a friend of mine and asked if she wanted to hang out, and she said yeah of course, i get out of work-class in like an hour, and then I said "naw man, don't bother, I can't do shit tonight, I haven't even changed clothes, I am completly fucking worthless, can we can out tomorrow maybe instead?" and she offered to hang out with me at home for a bit instead.

Like, this friend is a really good person, probably because she's really good at covering up "i am doing this for you" with "i want to do this for myself and you happen to be benefiting", which is great when you get stuck in the mindtrap of "i make work for everyone"

so i went "I dunno. I have to take a shower. sorry, my brain's just totally broken rn. I'm going to take a shower and leave the door unlocked and you can come in and then we can leave actually, if you don't mind a delay"

and then, for whatever stupid fucked up reason, i started crying, like that dumb quiet crying that you get when you're really good at pretending you aren't, and then i went and took a shower and my friend came over and hung out with my roomie for a bit and then i finally took an excedrin, and went over to her house and ate my weight in corned beef and hashbrowns and fell asleep on her couch for a bit

anyway, i'm not really sure why i'm writing this out, it's just something i wanted to write down here
but it's cool how sometimes other people can kick out your sad even if your sad is really sad and obnoxious

also i hate how stupid migraines make you, like everything else is "gee, i hurt, let me put some ice on that or take some advil" but migraines are like "gee, my brain is leaking out of my ear, i'm going to sit here and watch more netflix cuz that makes sense"

 

Hi boy, are you me? I read that post and now suspect you may be me. If so, am v. sorry. I have a strict rule that the second I recognize a migraine, I have to put on an audiobook (so I won't be temped to read), take actual medicine whether I think I really really /need/ it or not, and go lay down. That /usually/ minimizes it, but before I had that rule I would do the netflix or fanfic thing right up until I was curled up on the bathroom floor puking continuously. So, uh. Basically massive hugs.

Also your friend sounds like a really *good* friend, so grats to you both on that.

 

Friend is the dry and sarcastic rock that I can dump my troubles on. I wish she had clones, but the sarcasm might create a black hole.

Sometimes I get awareness that I'm going to get a headache, not quite a visual aura, but more of a feeling of thunder in my head. Sometimes I don't. When I actually get the aura, I'll take Excedrin, but sometimes I'll be busy, or it'll come out of nowhere. Or it'll hit me right before I wake up.

Sometimes showers help, though. For some reason, brushing my teeth does, too, so there might be some weird fucked up cross-connection of nerves there.

The audiobook sounds like a good idea, though, @Lissiel , I'll have to try it. I've only just recently picked up listening to audiobooks again. And luckily, I don't get nauseous unless it's really bad, so I dodged a bullet there, too.

 

I don't know if antidepressants are messing me up or if the greater emotional scope and depth they're allowing me is messing me up. I've had more suicidal ideation in the week and a half I've been on meds than in the past year, but I've also generally been feeling consistently cheerful and hopeful and full of energy, which is unusual for me, AND I've been sleeping great and waking up well-rested, which is almost an entirely new experience.

 

Suicidal/self-harm ideation is more a compulsive, habitual thought for me than an actual 'wow, it would be easier if I died'. Any time I'm mildly embarrassed or stressed, my brain goes 'but what if sharp objects?! :D', because it's just... used to those endorphins as a stress reducer. And it makes sense to be more stressed out when you're feeling emotions than when you're in the numb grey depths of depression.

Maybe related, if you're feeling good and not actually suicidal? It's hard to change those habitual thoughts and coping mechanisms.

 

@albedo Yeah, seems like that too. The strongest it got before was maybe "I feel really hopeless and bad, if I could somehow turn off being alive until things got better I would", but yesterday I had a minor flipout because a bunch of my friends got together and didn't invite me even though with 3 of them we'd lamented how little time we've been able to make for one another anymore. And combined with a distant friend who messaged me to go have lunch with her and I coudn't because of work, and a friend I've been keeping my distance from because his bipolarity is out of control and he's been lashing out, somehow that spiraled out into "I am shit at maintaining my friendships and everyone I call a friend sees me as disposable, they'd probably pretend to be bothered for a minute or two then go right back to having fun if I died, so I'm just going to hide under these bedcovers forever and cry".

 

Sometimes some meds increase the frequency of suicidal thoughts in the first couple of weeks you take them. i know lexapro does - my psychiatrist told me to NOT read anything about adverse effects when i started taking it and report anything to her immediately (but i read anyway because i'm a curious curious bug). i know i didnt have much suicidal ideation thanks to twice-weekly theraphy at the same time, but i did have weird moods.

 

@wixbloom Jeez, that sucks. Hope things improve; I'm glad you're feeling better, anyway. Sleep is an underrated wonder when you've been having depression-insomnia for a while.

 

@albedo replace "a while" with "literally from the day I was born". My parents tell me that even in infancy, getting me to sleep required elaborate rituals followed by the utmost silence, and even then I'd only sleep a couple of hours at a time. Two weeks of healthy sleep are a never-before experienced wonder.

I've had treatment in the form of therapy (which I got discharged from with my therapist's blessings) and have never gotten to the point of, say, cutting, being unable to get up or wash myself, etc., but this is my first time taking meds. Thankfully, I'm aware of what @witchknights said about more frequent suicidal thoughts being normal on the first few weeks of meds.

 

Yeah, increased suicidal ideation and risk of suicide attempts seem to be pretty standard across the board for depression meds at the very beginning. I've heard it explained as 'it gives you more energy and more ability to think/plan earlier than it makes you happier/more stable in mood'. And it does seem to clear up relatively soon, ime.

Still sucks you're going through that. Hang in there. Im just some jerk on the internet and it would wreck my day if we couldnt talk anymore, so Im sure your friends and family feel much more strongly about it. <3

 

Okay, stop me if you've heard this joke before: a person's reaction to every single problem has been "maybe I should just go drop dead somewhere" and they couldn't stop crying during lunch, but they look so well-kept and put together and pretty and nice that everyone thinks they're great and their new psychiatrist thinks they might even not need any meds or accommodation at all. They are so good at constantly climbing unending mountains of shit that people around them just think they're natural-born shit climbers, rather than people who are doing what they have to to survive out of sheer strength and stubborness.

I feel horrible. Everything is horrible. I just wanna lie down under the bedcovers forever and never get up, but I function so well that nobody can see how hard I'm struggling. I have no support system because the people who love me the most are also hanging on to life by their teeth and so often can't even look after themselves, and still I impose on them half the time.

 

I know that feeling. Sometimes I want to start breaking things in public just so that my problem is visible and needs to be immediately dealt with - even though I have a solid support system of people who believe I have depression, am on medication, get accommodation from school, etc. If I was in your position... I don't know. :c Sympathy?

 

On the psych's defense, she and I have only had 2 sessions together and I still haven't told her about this sort of knee-jerk suicidal ideation without any real suicidal intent I sometimes have. And a part of me is afraid to mention it to anyone because... I'm afraid then they'll freak out about me, and start thinking I'm "too" crazy, and not see me as me anymore? I trust my friends not to do this, but have had too many bad experiences in the past with people suddenly treating me like a walking tragedy to be gasped at when they learn of some darker bit of my history /:

It's also not like I'm constantly acting or anything. I'm cheerful around friends most of the time because I love them and enjoy their company, not because I'm playing it up for their sakes. I'm sharp-witted and bright-eyed at the therapist's office because it's a mentally stimulating place to be, with someone who's listening. I can't turn these things off in order to look More Depressed, but that doesn't mean it's not a problem. Gah.

 

Recommend telling the therapist this, with what she's not seeing and why. Are def not the only person to do this.

Also, wrt your friends who also have problems? I often have a much easier time doing stuff for others when I'm down the well than anything for myself, and knowing I'm contributing to someone else's well being in a concrete way helps me a lot too, so. It's not as straightforward as it sounds when depression's driving, this idea of imposing.

 

Yeah, I know that. The actual problem is that there's very little they all can actually do other than listen and comfort me and watch movies with me (which is enough, I'm not saying it isn't).

Stuff like helping with doctors' appointments, helping with meals and housework and coming over to each other's house while we're feeling down are all hard for any of us to do for each other, for a number of reasons having to do with our physical and mental resources and the fact that we're all of us, without exception, overworked to hell. Having any of them as emergency contacts is also impossible because a) they're not my relations so they don't have any actual authority over decision-making in my behalf and b) none of them could, in the event of an emergency with me, drop everything and arrive wherever the hell I was in a reasonable timeframe, because we all depend on public transportation.

This is exactly the kind of thing family is for, except my family drains more spoons than it adds to these situations.

 

@wixbloom *sympathy noises/motions* Depression is kicking my ass atm and I only have my mom to help, but she is similarly afflicted.