i just wanted to tell someone, pt. 1

just a point for any guilt trips your brain might be dragging you through regarding your sibs-if you get out and get better, you might be able to supply your sibs with both a good example and information about your experience, and maybe they can get help too.

you're not a bad person if you just can't anymore, you're just tired and out of spoons

 

That sucks. You don't sound like a bad person at all. And that does make it sound more ptsd-ish than psychotic-ish to me; there's a familial component, but if everyone is having brain issues... That sounds environmental.

Let us know if we can do anything, okay? I'm guessing there may be someone around who's sought inpatient treatment before, and if nothing else, this is a good forum for hugs and advice.

 

thank you for the metaphorical offer of hugs, but i hate hugs. even metaphorical ones. i greatly appreciate the sentiment though, and also the advice offer.

honestly, thank you @everyone. ya'll are being mega helpful and encouraging about everything.

time to man up and talk to mom, i suppose. watch this end up being a lot less bad than i think it will be. sometimes that happens, though not usually with her.
i'm honestly having the hardest time not defending her and her actions Dave from Brainbent style like he did with his bro. it's a little different though in as much as i feel like it's less bad than other stuff my dad and stepdad did, so i shouldn't be messed up by it. i hate my parents but i love my parents. my brain hurts.

maybe i should move on to part two of this thread, which was gonna go in "is this abuse?" cause i wanna talk about it for insight and opinion reasons, but i dont wanna talk about it cause it sounds wron g when i word it and i just. it's none of anyone's business??? secrets and lies and nastiness. it's stuff you talk to a therapist about, not a bunch of randoms on the internet. maybe.

 

Fair enough! Encouragement, then. :)

Yeah, I feel pretty much the same way about my mom. If you do need to break out the strings of apologies or rationalizations, to reduce your anxiety level, I think everybody will understand; that's pretty normal when you've had Parental Stuff going on.

For what it's worth, Is This Abuse? is member-locked, so googlebot can't get into it, and neither can anyone who's not a member of the forum. It's limited privacy, but maybe something. You can also make a sub-account and post super-anonymously, if you don't want things tied back to your Deresto identity. You're not likely to shock anybody - there's some pretty wild stuff in there - but I think everyone will understand if you don't want to talk about it.

 

Just so you have some anecdata about being commited: my mom has been commited multiple times(willingly and not willingly) and she has told me on multiple occasions that going in willingly is a completely different experience. I'll try to get some more direct words from her later, if you'd like, but the impression I get is that going in willingly can be very helpful and pleasant.

 

it's definitely up to you whether or not you want to talk about your family in the abuse thread. I'll agree with you that a lot of the stuff we talk about on this forum seems like something we could take to a therapist.

I know I talk about this stuff on here because I've never had anyone else to talk to about it, and writing things down lets me reevaluate them through other people. so it might be good practice to talk about it on the forum.

and it's also totally ok to have multiple entire different feelings about your parents or family. we're kind of raised to love our family, and sometimes that can backfire when they make choices that would be unforgivable in anyone else.

you've got my support in any case

 

Whoa, I had the same experience! As a toddler, I was obsessed with insects and spiders and I checked out every single insect book from the kid's section and a few from the adult's section. Naturally, I made a few of my own circa age 3-5. When I took my awesome book of fly facts stapled together from cut-out pieces of paper to school, the kindergarten teacher didn't want me to show it to the class because "flies are gross." What a fucking dick.

 

that sucks, i used to think bugs were awesome. i wanted to be an entomologist. boo to them for crapping all over your interests. i don't really think it's right to tell a literal small child things they think are interesting are gross in any circumstance.

especially after they worked at making something to share with others.

 

I've been committed twice, once involuntarily as a minor and once voluntarily as an adult, both times fir suicide attempts. General impressions, for what they're worth, is that it sucked but it was helpful and I like not being dead, so. If you have questions, I can try to answer them, though there's a lot of variation by where you end up.