oh lord why

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by ZeroEsper, Dec 30, 2015.

  1. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    (There are nsfw mentions)

    I don't know if I'm venting or need help

    I have a friend who every couple of years tries to initiate either a sexual or romantic relationship. I don't want either. I don't know why she keeps doing this. I kinda freaked out after the last attempt to initiate a FWB situation and that was when I started to realize I might not be able to have sex or sexual relationships period.

    She just sent me a text and it looks like she's doing it again and I don't wanna do this.

    Why! Does!! This! Keep! Happening!!!!

    Annddd she did it again! Fuck my life.
     
  2. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    It's got nothing to do with tour abilities or inabilities; your friend is being a dickhead who also disrespects your boundaries, making me think she's probably kind of a sucky friend
     
  3. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    Also I'd be willing to bet you some actual human money, just from what you said, that manipulation on her part during the "last attempt to initiate" a sexual scenario you're uncomfortable with is at the root of this freakout of yours. The timing just seems very convenient, clearly she doesn't give much of a shit about your boundaries, and yours sounds exactly like the kind of vague (because how does one objectively measure "might be able" vs. "might not be able"? what do these concepts even mean?) yet deep fear manipulators love to exploit... and then offer a simple solution: prove to yourself that you are able by having sex with her even though you don't want to!
     
    • Like x 1
  4. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    I've had problems with her and boundaries before because she feels the need to press everything instead of taking what I say at face value, which I don't like. I didn't even tell her about the 'probably can't have sex' thing because that would mean talking about some shit I've been through that I don't want to talk about with her because then she'll probably keep! Harping! On! It! And even though the last 'trying to initiate a FWB thing was my fault because I let it get too far, I thought I made it abundantly clear when she wouldn't stop bringing it up and I told her to please for the love of god stop, don't talk to me for a while, this isn't happening again that we were not doing this shit anymore. I guess she thinks it's different because now she's back to 'we should date!' I don't know. I still haven't responded to her.
     
  5. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    Do you have a pressing reason not to just...stop responding altogether? Cause seriously, there are a lot of people out there you could spend your time on and lots of them won't be total assholes to you.
     
    • Like x 1
  6. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    No, but she's persistent, so there's the fact I'll be dodging her for ages.

    I just can't handle this right now. She knew AND ACKNOWLEDGED that this was a bad time in my life.
     
    • Like x 1
  7. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    So block her on everything and you won't even have to see her messages. Maybe drop her a note saying something like "i can't deal with your lack of respect for my boundaries so for now I don't want to be friends. I'll contact you if that ever changes please don't message me again" so its clear she's being an asshole every time she does message you. Seriously would you put up with this behavior from a dude?
     
    • Like x 3
  8. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    Is it OK to point out that this is victim-blaming? Because it is victim-blaming. Trying to initiate sex when you've already rejected it and still don't want it is HER fault, not yours.
     
    • Like x 2
  9. Mercury

    Mercury Well-Known Member

    She sounds like the lady version of a 'nice guy' - the only difference I can see between her and MRA creepers is her gender. I second Lissiel's recommendation to block her.
     
    • Like x 1
  10. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    I honestly might block her at least until my head is clear. I don't have it in me to deal with this right now. She's sure as hell not getting a reply - I have nothing smart to say.

    Thanks guys!
     
    • Like x 6
  11. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    Update: haven't spoken to her since and honestly, the jury is still out on whether I'm going to. But then whenever I think about it like that I start feeling guilty and like I'm supposed to do better and scared of the consequences (she's the kind of person who will probably go around talking like it was my fault, which I understand is the easiest thing to do from her perspective but I don't need to hear that I'm a fucking disappointment - I honestly think she made a post about me on Tumblr which if it was her I'll be pissed).

    (it was a message sent on anon to a person I'm 99% sure is a mutual about an eerily similar situation except I'm just ignoring her for fuck knows what reason!! None at all probably!! Who even knows my motives!!)

    I keep feeling like I owe it to her to keep our friendship going because in all honesty she's been there for me through a lot. She didn't usually know how to help me, and sometimes her well-meaning attempts made shit worse, but I honestly don't think she meant that, she just... doesn't get things. Like how she always wants me to talk about all my shit to her and how she assumes she 'knows me so well' when she really... doesn't, which I feel bad saying because we've been friends for years. But my best friend knows how to deal with me when I'm too high-strung and emotional and I don't have to keep telling her 'don't bring that up, leave me alone, etc.' The friend who I'm having all these issues with just doesn't get these things because she likes to talk about her problems so I should too, but that's just not how I operate. She really has been there, at least, and that has to count for something.

    And I know she struggles with anxiety and I don't wanna make that worse. She was always super clingy and needing validation from me and I don't want her to start being like that with her other closest confidant because the other person won't take it well (they had a falling out a few years ago that was later resolved because Friend I Have Drama With was making her closest confidant uncomfortable and the the closest confidant finally snapped).

    But then I think that our friendship kinda has had some red flags. The last time this happened, when shit went down and I went too far for my own comfort levels, she wouldn't stop bringing it up, and I snapped at her, she texted me back a few days later and acted a little more reserved than usual, but otherwise didn't acknowledge that anything had happened. At the time I thought that was fine, but now when I look back at it (I will be 100% honest here and say I'm probably just seeing things differently now because I'm upset) that's kinda... weird? Like I told her to leave me alone and she did, but only for a short while. She never tried to apologize or anything. I think I probably would've handled that situation differently if I'd been in her place, but maybe it's a 'different strokes, different folks' kind of thing.

    And then one time she told me something that made me so uncomfortable I basically aborted the conversation (thankfully we were just texting) right then and there. She straight up said 'well, no matter what, I'll never be a rapist. I'll never be that.' This came out of pretty much nowhere - we were talking about people failing out of college because they partied too much. I just felt weird because why would you need to tell me you aren't a rapist? Like I have no desire to rape anyone either and I place a very high value on consent, but I don't need to suddenly tell someone 'hey, by the way, I'm not a rapist and I won't rape anyone. You know, just so you know. Figured you'd want to hear that.'

    But on the other hand, if I start trying to fix our friendship, there's something I feel bad about. I don't think I ever fully felt comfortable around her after that time I tried to see if I could do sex stuff too and just felt bad afterwards. Which is soooo stupid because it's like, I gave consent! I didn't say she should stop! It's not her fault!

    But honestly my thoughts are a mess. There's something I forgot to mention here because it's pretty much ancient history, but once upon a time, way back when, She and I did date for a week before she made it abundantly obvious she just wanted to fuck me and I didn't want to have sex with her (or really with anyone at the time, to be fair) and aborted the relationship. I had felt really hurt by that because even then we'd been friends for like a year and a half and for her it seemed to basically come down to 'I just wanna fuck you.' She gave me an apology for that, though, so I feel like I should forget it. But still. I lead her on, I guess, and she never forgot it, so she thinks this is okay? Maybe?

    I don't know, I feel really screwed up in terms of what the fuck is going on right now.
     
  12. Mercury

    Mercury Well-Known Member

    It sounds to me like she is totally pulling the Nice Guy maneuver on you, and has also gotten you used to doing emotional labor for her (like how you feel you have to be friends with her to make sure she doesn't fuck up her friendship with a third party, which is not your responsibility), while continually pushing for a deeper intimacy level than you want, regardless of what you say. I don't think she's clueless about this or doesn't know what she's doing - I think she's used to getting away with shoving down your boundaries when it suits her, and has Reasons for why it's okay for her to get away with it.

    THAT'S A BIG RED FLAG. If I knew a guy had said that to someone, I'd be telling that someone that it was high time to get away. I don't think it's any less of a red flag because this is a woman - hell, she may well think it's okay for her to get away with more because she's a woman.

    This person is a creep. You don't owe her anything just because she's been nice to you in the past - that's person-as-a-vending-machine logic.
     
    • Like x 2
  13. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    Well, something a lot of people in this thread hit on is that she's male-socialized (she's Trans) so sometimes I'm wondering if she's just clueless. And in all fairness to her, she hasn't told me she'll fuck up her relationship with Other Friend, I just got worried about it.

    But you definitely have a point - even at the time I realized the 'I'm not a rapist' thing was super uncomfortable.
     
  14. Mercury

    Mercury Well-Known Member

    Well... a cis lady doing this is very unlikely to be just clueless (and cis ladies can and do act like this!), so I doubt this lady is, either. Her socialization is ultimately irrelevant; creepy, borderline predatory behavior is creepy, borderline predatory behavior, regardless of who it's coming from. You've given her far, far beyond the benefit of the doubt by now, and she keeps trying to knock your boundaries down anyway.

    If she decides to fuck up her friendship with Other Friend, that is 100% on her. It's not, nor should it be, your responsibility to manage her relationships with other people; it's on her to not be an asshole.

    I'm sorry if I sound lecturey, I just can't with people like this and how they always get the people they're using to blame themselves and argh, you deserve so much better out of your friendships! :(
     
    • Like x 3
  15. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I do want to at least talk with her about why this friendship isn't going anywhere, but I feel better knowing it doesn't just sound like I'm being flighty and irrational.
     
    • Like x 1
  16. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    This is a red flag on its own. Curbing - or considering the possibility of curbing - your reactions to another's actions because of the conseqiences they might inflict is NOT a thing that happens in a healthy friendship. I'm with Mercury on this. She is a creep and you owe her NO explanation.
     
    • Like x 3
  17. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    I had a conversation where I basically told her from here on out I need my space. She seemed to be getting it. She also said (not a perfect quote) that it seems like she always stepping on people's toes and it seems acceptable to her at the time but later she realizes she made a mistake. I was sitting there like 'yeah I kinda get that. A lot. Yes.'

    I'd like to keep things civil between us so we will probably have some casual conversations after this, but overall I'm not sure I can re-engage with her in any meaningful way. I was a lot nicer than I thought I would be - I even surprised myself.
     
    • Like x 2
  18. Mercury

    Mercury Well-Known Member

    I'm glad things have gone well. Keep those boundaries up - if she slips in her behavior (she might not, but it's a possibility that should be accounted for), they'll protect you, and be good for her if she's honestly trying to learn not to step on people's toes.
     
    • Like x 3
  19. Starcrossedsky

    Starcrossedsky Burn and Refine

    Yeah, this is absolutely Creepy Dude Wants You behaviour and you need to just GTFO out of there. Don't feel any guilt about it because of the past friendship, or at least don't let that sway you, because guess what!!! That's another manipulation tactic!!!

    Frankly I'm inclined to think that the "not knowing where boundaries actually are" bit is abuser-speak lying to get you to come back again. I've observed time and time again that people like that absolutely do know they're overstepping, but they just pretend they don't so they can get away with it over and over again. Don't buy her horseshit. People who are genuinely fucking up do it once, apologize, and correct the behaviour. Yes, sometimes they do need to be told they're fucking up. But they don't keep repeating it the way she seems to be doing.

    Drop her on her ass.
     
    • Like x 3
  20. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    • Like x 1
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice