Needing validation (general thread)

I don't know if I need validation, but I have a weird thing where interacting with people means I am Emotionally Dependent, so I go anon a lot because I'm worried that people will Know My Weakness if I don't. Or something like that. I think I have a need for validation and also a desperate need for people to think that I am too cool to need validation.

Yeaah, for what it's worth, I get something like that too. If someone really likes a thing then I think of them whenever I see something related to the thing and wonder if they have seen it, I bet they would like this, I'll send a link!

 

@Enzel @Elaienar :D
i'm that way too. though tumblr killed it pretty nicely with, "what if they think this thing is... Problematic?"
and the Know My Weakness thing is why i've stopped showing my feelings publically on tumblr
'cause tumblr is not a place to show weakness

 

Most of my feelings of need-validated are from a swirling vortex of how I was raised, probably-BPD, anxiety, depression/dysthymia, and probably-ADHD (rejection reflex). I kind of think needing validation is dumb too, but on the other hand at least I'm self-aware enough to know that it would help? It's weird. When I get in that swing it feels like I'm emotionally touch-starved, like there's a wall of glass between me and everyone else and I need someone else to reach through because I can't break the glass myself.

Like--it's kind of one of those "if you wouldn't say it to a friend, don't say it to yourself," except then you're the only one saying it to yourself. Or maybe you still can't stop saying it to yourself and you need help to get that ingrained habit out of you. I also think it's kind of a way to play the real-or-not-real game when the ghosts and ghouls in your head won't shut the fuck up about how much you suck, how crazy you are, etc., even when you're being gaslighted in whatever way, and you just need... a lodestone, I guess, some way to touch base and know from other people that you're valued and that you're going to make it and that you're not crazy, you're totally right about X.

Doesn't stop me from feeling disgusting that I need it, though.

 

Bingo. Why is why I mostly post pictures of my cats these days.

 

@pixels "emotionally touch-starved"
yeah it does feel like that
like when i was sad about that stuff before i did think a lot about how i wanted a hug or something, as an outgrowth from the issue
or maybe that's not like what you meant
i dunno

 

@littlemissCodeless @Enzel Thanks. Yeah, it was definitely not getting better; I was about ready to hide under my desk, and I can't code when I've lost words. But... Ughhh, fretting. Yeah, Mom's a little messed up in a lot of ways; I took the SAT with a 102 degree fever, and it didn't even count. =_=

(She always made me take either the ACT or the SAT, every year from fifth through eighth grade, for some reason. Doesn't really make sense as practice that far beforehand, I didn't like doing it, and there weren't scholarships or anything involved. So, uh... bragging rights, I guess?)


@unknownanonymous Yeah, that sucks; good luck, then. Sperg topics are horribly inconvenient sometimes; I've never been that specific, but specific enough that it was hard to find anyone else who cares. For what it's worth, I find sperging itself super interesting, and like pestering people for 'but why is this so interesting?', but I know that can be annoying too. >>; I am the metasperg.

 

@albedo
that wouldn't be annoying. i mean, i might be like, in my head, at least, "than why don't you watch the thing already?" but then again, i haven't actually got my hands on, say, world of darkness, yet, after reading people sperg in that thread (why i went in there? 'cause of the chat in the bartimaeus tag about their similarities and the au possibilities).

so yeah, also sperging on norm the genie tends to involve lots of sperging on stuff that didn't even happen on the show - headcanons, fave fics, shipping... like i have this whole norm the genie universe inside my head, constantly frothing around and changing, with tons of multiverses contained inside it, and very... just... i dunno
even though it's that big, i don't know if it's any good, btw. like, i like it but other people might look at it and be like, "essentially pumpkin spice latte aesthetic cronus but with more understanding of consent and less assholery (oh god i hope less assholery, haha; then again, being less of an asshole than that guy seems pretty easy)."
yeah...

 

And that means you need to seek MORE and BETTER and MORE OBJECTIVE validation! It is a vicious cycle.

Unfortunately, it's very hard to tell the difference between 'sincere but contradicts my worldview' and 'insincere and therefore not believable'.

(I totally fall into this sometimes. =_=)

 

which haha, was what i was trying to say earlier about, "don't comment on the norm the genie thread just 'cause you pity me."

 

Yeah, part of my particular "flavor" is the desire that the validation be spontaneous, because if you ask for it then it's not genuine, right? Which is even more gross because for it to feel "spontaneous" requires me being passive aggressive and manipulative so that it doesn't feel like I'm getting validated just for pity's sake. At least I realize I shouldn't manipulate people and try to stop from doing it and feel guilty when I do? And I only share the need-validated actual feels/requests with people I trust enough. And this board is about brainweird, right? Yeah. So, this board, and like two other people.

I also get a lot of validation from likes/reblogs/kudos/comments on my fanfiction, which helps, because it keeps me motivated to write, but also doesn't help, because then I get post-posting anxiety like whoa, and then my self-worth ties into my fic writing.

Spoiler: TW

And then I just want to fucking kill myself, like literally want to commit suicide, when I see that there are people whose writing and fic get all this attention!!! Like don't talk to me about RMWT or PSX or (in particular) Joker over Knave because it triggers suicidal ideation in me.

I'm relatively sure that this makes me a horrible person.

 

I dunno if this will help (I'm intentionally coming at this problem sideways to try to reframe it), but you don't actually have any authority over what other people should or do care about. Thus:
*rebellious angsty teenager voice* "I'm gonna care about you and you can't stop me, Mom!!!!"

 

Small heart. Thank you. And ps. you were entirely right to use sick leave.

Ahahaha that made me laugh, thank you. And it is one of the only things that helps, really. People just stubbornly giving a shit despite my tantrums about it.
On a similar note can anyone tell me if it's okay to tell the bf about the minor breakdown I had in albedo's face the other day about how I'm lonely and feel like he's inevitably going to leave me because he doesn't need me any more now he's got meatspace friends at university? or would that be manipulative and maybe I should just go 'hey feeling lonely can we make a regular date to video chat' and leave out the bit about being hysterically convinced he doesn't care about me any more?

Also @pixels I get similar thoughts and I'm pretty sure you're not irreemably horrific for having them, or at the very least in that case so am I and therefore irredeemably horrific buddies, high five! Plus maybe you've needed so much validation recently because of your upcoming graduation? I think I saw you talking about an upcoming graduation. And you need people to tell you that you're good enough to cope with whatever comes next.

 

@unknownanonymous

Hurray, corrupting things! And re: 'why don't you watch the thing', it's the headcanons and the like that I sperg about. I have a human cognition sperg, people are neat. Canons are fun too, but people's thoughts and interests and headcanons are what ping me. I've seen a good bit of Fairly OddParents, long ago - probably most of the first couple seasons, when they first aired - but oh god, my list of shows to devour is long.

 

@pixels You're not a terrible person; those are normal feelings, you're just having them more strongly than most people. I feel the desire for "spontaneous" validation, too; it's no fun. =_=

@TwoBrokenMirrors Thanks. :) Yeah, you saw that I was, uh... a little out of it when I got home. Bleh, overload. Idk why I can't use pronouns when I'm overloaded.

And I will continue to give a shit because you're awesome. :E

I think maybe 'feeling lonely, let's videochat' might be better. I don't think expressing your fears that he'll leave you are in and of themselves manipulative - it's not manipulative that you feel that way - but unless you usually express irrational fears like that, he might feel like it was manipulative. The trouble is that I think you know that fear is at least partially irrational, but he might not. I'm not entirely sure about that, though. It sucks, though; hopefully things will be better soon.

 

@albedo that makes sense. don't know if it can turn off the annoying asshole part of my brain (which, though, i can turn off before actually typing) but it makes sense. human cognition is pretty cool. like, that's one of the really interesting things about seebs' blog, how it ends up collecting all sorts of kinds of human cognition. and i view even stuff like reading badfic as an (admittedly hilarious) exercise in exploring human cognition - and unlocking spontaneity in mine, haha. and so is wondering what the hell alien cognition would be like. and sorta on that note, if there even is a way a thinking that no human actually has.

 

@unknownanonymous Pfft, that's not really annoying, makes sense.

Yes, exactly this. :D This is my sperg. Alien cognition and unusual cognition are so interesting. I read a lot of history books for similar reasons - like, did you know that in medieval Japan, romantic love was considered a negative emotion? The "love" genre was all love stories that ended badly - happy love stories went in the "miscellaneous" section.

(It started as a fairly transparent attempt to learn how humans worked so I could pass for allistic, which is only sorta successful, but. People are just so interesting.)

 

@albedo makes sense sure, but the Nagging Watch This Question does sound annoying
like... it is clearly possible to care about something a lot without being a completely dedicated viewer or anything
heck, dagger, the author of three wishes, barely watched fop despite writing fic for it and it worked out pretty well :D
she did jorgen/norm 'cause a certain general dynamic is, above all else, her kink

wow... love as a negative emotion
my fop geek part is like, "yuggotamians"
my Fucking Tumblr part is like, "i wonder if they'd get along with the 'gluttonous allo needs' person"

and while i separate it into parts, they both feel like me and like a deliberate separation, a logicking out of how i can have all kinds of thoughts, some totally bizarre
also a bit of a defense mechanism, invoking whatever side will get me closest to what i want
just like i'm a many sided me, who appears differently depending on what side i choose to write my dialogue
will i be fed up with tumblr today? crazy about fop? totally lovestruck with someone? a total pushover on tumblr? assertive about something i consider to be worth asserting, despite the anxiety? cute me? adhd me? anxiety me? crass me? innocent me?
all depends on what side of me the situation brings out most, i think

 

@unknownanonymous Eh, doesn't bother me, but I'm not neurotypical so I'm not sure if I'm the best judge. XD

I think that multifaceted response is pretty normal, though it might be a bit spergy to be so aware of it.