Since starting my meds, my moods have mostly stabilized. However I was put on a really small dose to start so I am still really depressed it just more or less "took the edge off" so I can deal with normal school stresses like failing a test without hurting myself and graphically thinking of ways to kill myself and actually wanting to do it. but still my brain is spamming the "fucking kill me I wanna die" button and while I guess those are technically passive suicidal thoughts they feel more like intrusive thoughts like I beat back a lot of my pure O flavored OCD years ago but it's popping up again and it found new ways to bang pots and together like instead of sex and religion it's now suicide because I need to actually keep track of those thoughts and it's harder to ignore.
I don't have enough experience with OCD to speak on the specific issue, I just wanted to tell you that brainweasels come in packs. So the answer to "is this depression or OCD" is quite probably "yes".
I am just worried if I go into a lot of detail during my next psych appointment I'll be taken off my meds, or have them changed up. I can confidently say that my depression is not worse, because the next logical step down would be "actually dead" and that why I sought out help in the first place. My depression symptoms are just different, so instead of both passively and actively suicidal with huge moodswings between "happy for a few days, then a few days of mild depression, and then at least 1 week in the major depression pit rinse and repeat" barely any motivation, no hope for the future, and a tendency to hurt myself when stressed out, I still have no motivation and no hope for the future but I also want to isolate myself from people, hate myself, feel bad sometimes and have more intense brain fog. The anxiety is actually worse now, and feeds into it, because I'll have days where I'm just in a constant state of anxiety for no real reason and I keep freezing up with anxiety and not doing any work, plus the intrusive thoughts are probably back. I've been on this medication for almost 2 months now and most of the time I've been stable and during break I was only mildly depressed but I just started the new semester and I took a sudden downswing. I know it sounds awful when I type it out, but I legit see this as an improvement, because before my depression was almost that worst I've experienced and my anxiety mostly came in the form of panic attacks where I had meltdowns and hyperventilate and hurt myself and turn into a sobbing mess. and now it's like.... normal people's anxiety and depression where it interferes in your life in a severe but probably non-potentially-lethal way.
OCD can be medicated by antidepressants, so I don't think you have anything to worry about there. Especially if you say you'd rather stay on them.
well, to be fair I am on (generic) wellbutrin which I think other members have said isn't technically an anti-depressant? I just want to be well without having to take separate meds for anxiety and depression and I would prefer to not do the constant revolving door of changing medication thing, even though I knew going into it that would be common. Last time I did really well communicating with her so I am hoping I can communicate that I want to try increasing the dose first before doing anything else because so far it's been positive enough it's just 150mg a day is like shooting a black bear with a bb gun. (unless I was supposed to be taking it more than once a day? :( looking it up online it looks like it's common to dose adults at 100mg taken 3 times daily and I do remember her putting tpo on my prescription which I remember from vet classes is three times a day but the bottle itself said take once a day and I didn't want to screw up in case I read the slip wrong, also she said that she would start me at a low dose and 150 x 3 = 450 which is the maximum dose you can take)
Wellbutrin is an "atypical antidepressant" which is doctor-speak for "we have no fucking clue how it works". You generally start from 150 once a day and then increase slowly. You don't have to get off it if you don't want, you might just end up with an SSRI as well. Which incidentally happens to be the combination I'm taking right now.
Oh hey I looked it up and I misremembered TPO, I recognized "PO" as "per os" but somehow got my wires crossed (TID = three times a day) good thing I followed the bottle and didn't accidentally overdose myself. I am hoping if a tiny pit of meds can take a tiny bit of it away, than a higher dose of it will take more away and even if I end up taking the maximum dose I will be so much more than "barely functional" that I've been for about 6 months now without any other medication
They may raise your dose of your current meds, which is what they did for me when I went from pure-O OCD to depression. It was very effective in my case. It's worth asking your psychiatrist if he can keep you on the same meds instead of switching it up - they may feel that's the best thing for you.
yeah, and I am also setting goals to set up some other stuff too, like group therapy, going to the gym, but it's a little hard to set up stuff right now. I feel like my symptoms are less objectively terrible, but more disruptive, because I can still get some work done when my emotions are going haywire. Trying to get ANYTHING done with executive dysfunction is a real pain in the ass.
Oh my god, it's me. Although for me it's depression. But whenever anything goes wrong and often when things are going right, my brain throws up the 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die' button even though I don't think that's?? actually true??? i don't wanna die how would i know how homestuck ends. I was able to talk with my therapist about this. I framed it as, 'suicidal ideation without any weight or planning behind it', although 'intrusive thought' might be a lot closer. She didn't freak out at me, although of course she did ask me more questions to determine if it was a dangerous thing. Just being upfront about it is probably important, but communicate your worries about being taken off meds?
today and yesterday I was feeling very, very depressed. I was wondering why. Turns out: fuck you ovaries. fuck you too, uterus. I did not ask to sign up for my subscription to Lady Hormones Monthly and would like to cancel
soooooo I accidentally missed a day because I take my meds as soon as I wake up to never forget (in theory, obviously) but I am not super... functional in the mornings so accidents happen. And that's the day I discovered that Wellbutrin has a sedative affect on me, because that's been the first day in weeks I wasn't super tired and staying awake was a spoon drain. Still havn't taken my meds today because I want to try taking them before bed and see how that works out (Up until now I've just been really literal about the instructions, which say to take them in the morning, but as it turns out that's because it's a stimulant? and it would keep most people up all night?) Suddenly remembering how stimulants have the opposite affect on people with ADD/ADHD, I don't think I have either of those things (unless it's super mild) but maybe there is something similar with the brainweird that I do have going on.
best quote. Yeah, so long as you take antidepressants at the same time each day it should be fine. Wellbutrin's one of the ones that builds up in your system anyway, so it doesn't matter too much whether you do them morning or evening.
oh hey so I forgot to update but I have successfully: signed up for group therapy scheduled another appointment with my normal counselor got my prescription bumped up to 300mg, but taking it as 2 small pills instead of one big one just in case I have a bad reaction. So far so good. Hopefully this works and I don't have to go through the revolving door of psych med prescriptions (and I can just take a 300mg pill so it's not twice as expensive even with coupons :'( I hate USA's drug prices) Now I just gotta hit the gym and I will basically have all the finer details of operation: unfuck my brain going into motion. I just keep avoiding it because... I dunno. Something about going to the gym without a partner is really intimidating for me. But I have been doing a lot more walking lately, so aside from walking to and from my classes I will generally spend at least an hour outside of classes walking around. So that's some exercise at least!
*insert muffled screaming about mood swings* I just had the thought today: I think I'm pretending to be a lot better than I actually am. But hey, fake it til you make it, right? Group went well but the past few days have been rough. I havn't studied for my tests like a should, running on almost zero spoons and the semester just started. I am not physically tired like I was before, but there is still that mental exhaustion. Just fathoming things like going to school and learning things and somehow cramming more information in my skull hits the "just fucking kill me" switch. Except not really-for-reals-suicidal. Just the "I need a break from my own life can someone else fill in here I feel like I need to nap for at least a solid month" ... still think this is objectively better than where I was at. and while it sounds worse, I don't think the increased dose has made my depression any worse I just went from a normal-ish workload to all my classes having their first exams. My mom mentioned today how she noticed I seem to be doing better. But I am really getting tired of the whole "have to do everything correct for several months and/or years if not the rest of your life" thing instead of instant normal just add treatment. Maybe if I started being depressed in my late teens/early 20's like a lot of people my age I'd be totally cool with it? But I think I maybe had one year in my life since hitting puberty when I was not depressed. Before that I was an incredibly anxious child. My life has been one long slog and I would thoroughly enjoy taking a break from the burden of my own existence for awhile. I know, objectively, that my future will be ok. But I am having a hard time right now because conceivably it is going to take several months to start really feeling a lot better, and in the mean time I have a work load from getting a bio degree, and I don't think I am going to have another "break" for a long time because even over the summer I gotta re-take a class.
I just realized that I may have done poorly on my tests but my reaction was "tired and salty" and not "I need to find the nearest bridge to jump off immediately." or "I fucking hate myself so much I need to punch a brick wall nope still not satisfied gotta start kicking and scratching too I will not be satisfied until my physical pain quota is met" (why yes, I did look up the spongebob image on memegenerator and made this specifically for this post why do you ask)
*erases chalkboard* it has been 0 days since my last suicidal thought thinking about the future makes me depressed and it is really overwhelming. A few days ago I started feeling like I had to be more independent, or take steps towards being more independent, and it all just hit me at once that there is so much stuff I don't know how to do or I am really uncomfortable doing that is pretty integral for independent living. I talked it out with my mom and I am mostly over it because she talked about how when she feels overwhelmed she makes a plan and I think I still have a lot of time and I can do that and sort of... gradually learn stuff? I know how to do things around the house like cook and clean, I've had jobs before, I go to college, I've booked my own appointments, made phone calls, sent emails. So really it's kind of ridiculous to feel like a 13 year old who knows nothing about being an adult! It's just stuff like driving specifically (which makes me physically ill from stress which is why I don't drive anymore despite having my license) or like... bills and paperwork that I havn't done before. Do I know how to fix stuff? Probably not. Do I know jack shit about cars? Nope. and then I think about all the things that I don't know that I'll need to know. I need a fucking checklist or something that says "you must know how to do these things before living on your own, you goober" because the ambiguity is killing me. which probably sounds hella autistic, but it's okay it's whatever but I still feel bad and I literally hate myself, so that's a thing. I was doing so well too!
god FUCKING damn it I thought with the utmost conviction that my psych appointment was tomorrow but it was today. I looked at the reminder email and was like "nah, they must have put it into their system wrong" so I checked my appointment card and fucking NOPE. they were right and I was wrong I can't refill my prescription without and appointment but because I was a no show I'll have to be put on a wait list and I have enough pills to last me... maybe a couple of days before I run out? I'm not... handling this very well... I already had a bad couple of days and I was like "well I just gotta survive today and tomorrow and then I get a break and now I have this shit to deal with. I'm just nope. I'm done. I'm fucking done.
note that I make no plans on dying tonight, so uh, please do not do internet detective to find where I live and call the cops or something. I cannot guarantee this over the next couple of weeks but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
