Reading kids emails

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by peripheral, Jan 24, 2016.

  1. peripheral

    peripheral Stacy's Dad Is Also Pretty Rad

    My mom read my emails until she deemed me mature enough. Claims to have read all of then but if so where was her horror at me role playing gore at 12? She only ever seemed to notice me sending stuff to my then girlfriend.
    Claimed it was for my good/girlfriends good.

    Dad is mad I use incognito- occasionally asks to see my browser history. Outed me to mom by going in the router and looking at the sites I went on and emailing my genderfuck blog to her.

    Is this normal? Do the folks on here who are parents do this?
     
  2. Mercury

    Mercury Well-Known Member

    Not a parent, old enough to be a parent of a teen, have experience managing kids and helping raise my (considerably) younger sister - no, this isn't remotely normal.
     
    • Like x 3
  3. theambernerd

    theambernerd dead to all sense of shame

    Nope! I know most people's parents don't keep a direct eye on what their kid is doing on the internet like that. Personally, my parents monitored my internet activity until i was 13 by keeping the desktop in the living room so they could visually keep an eye on me while i was on it, but never read what I wrote. From 13-15 we didn't have wifi so on my laptop I had to be in the living room as well to reach the ethernet plugin, but again, I could have the laptop turned away from my parents and they never read what was inside

    I feel like reading at least some of what happens with your child on the internet until they're somewhere in the 11-13 range could be alright?? but after that I definitely think it's time for parents to take a step back :/
     
    • Like x 1
  4. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    I think its a result of realizing that their kids don't trust them/feel like they can talk to them and desperately trying to stay aware of whats going on in their kids life by forcing it. Its a basically good impulse being handled in a shitty way.

    I would not routinely do this. If I thought my kid was hiding something potentially dangerous AND they refused to talk to me about it, then i might snoop for a single occasion. If what i found wasn't dangerous, i'd admit what i found to my kid and apologize, and hope they understand that sometimes keeping them safe temporarily overrides respecting their privacy. But it would take a pretty damn strong suspicion for me to get to that point, and id still feel bad about doing it. It would mean that i'd failed them in some fairly major way as a parent.

    The not-shitty thing to do is work on building trust and making sure you're safe and open so that your kids don't (feel like) they have to keep secrets from you.
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2016
    • Like x 1
  5. peripheral

    peripheral Stacy's Dad Is Also Pretty Rad

    Cause like they also assumed I was writing porn when I talked about fanfic?
    And now they're confused I don't let them read what I write.
     
  6. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    Thats...weird? I mean, i think its weird to try to force someone to let you read their writing anyway, unless you think its like, school shooting plans or something. But if they think its porn i would extra super expect them to consider it not their business?
     
  7. peripheral

    peripheral Stacy's Dad Is Also Pretty Rad

    It rots my soul apparently. It's weird. But they also define porn as "mentions stds" or "has trans people" in some cases.

    I tried to read out loud one of my favorite fanfics once and it mentioned a character had herpes and my mom freaked out and said see its about sex
     
  8. theambernerd

    theambernerd dead to all sense of shame

    Woww.. yeah, no, that's not normal at all
     
  9. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    Ok. So your parents clearly have a case of "i dont understand this thing and it is Scary" coupled with probably some amount of "im the parent i Know Best (even if i have no plausible way to, like about say, your experiences of gender.)"

    The last generation seems to have had a thing where they seemed to believe that unless they were the absolute authority on every subject and were never wrong and had complete control of everything their kids do then the kids will not respect them and will probably turn out to be crackwhores. To greater or lesser extents. So sometimes they do dumb and harmful things because they love you and want you to be safe and happy and have no idea how to make that happen.

    I think they're probably factually wrong about some things, uninformed or misguided about some others, and secretly doing the "oh shit how am i supposed to parent fuck i have no idea what im doing this is so hard" dance. (Spoiler: all parents do that dance on the regular. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.) I dont think they're right to do like they're doing but I think it comes from a place of love, fwiw. If you can, and this may take a while god knows it took me having my own kids before i got this, try to just love them as flawed human beings who love you and try their best and also fuck up, and keep a part of yourself seperate to remember that you ARE a person who is capable of making decisions and knows your own mind and deserves to be treated with respect and deserves the right to make your own mistakes. Fuck that got long. Also probably preachy. I hope you know what i mean though.
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2016
  10. peripheral

    peripheral Stacy's Dad Is Also Pretty Rad

    I want to believe they are doing yes out of flawed love?
    But like. My mom doesn't love me, Wes the trans boy who reads explicit stuff sometimes as loved all his ex girlfriend despite boyfriend.
    She loves (deadname) who is catholic and will marry a boy. At least it feels that way :p
     
  11. Mercury

    Mercury Well-Known Member

    It's possible. Sometimes parents love an idea of the child they wish they had more than the actual child they do have. They might be helicopter parenting you in hopes that if they keep you from all the bits that the ideal child would have you will become that child, and that's kind of a form of love, but... it's a poor one.
     
    • Like x 1
  12. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    Oh shit you're wes. :( yes, ok taken into account the other things i know about your parents im inclined to agree with mercury.
     
  13. Mercury

    Mercury Well-Known Member

    Yeah, if it weren't for everything else we know about Wes's parents I'd be a lot more positive, but... nope! Nope. :(
     
    • Like x 1
  14. peripheral

    peripheral Stacy's Dad Is Also Pretty Rad

    Wait what do you mean?
    My parents aren't so fucked up compared to people.
     
  15. Mercury

    Mercury Well-Known Member

    Compared to what people? Because everything I've read that you've written about them pings really high on my - and other people's - "this is Fucked Up" meter.

    Parents who love their kids for who the kids actually are don't act like how your parents do.
     
    • Like x 1
  16. peripheral

    peripheral Stacy's Dad Is Also Pretty Rad

    Other parents on this forum.

    I mean I know some of its fucked up but idk.

    :/

    I keep asking how it's fucked up.
     
  17. seebs

    seebs Benevolent Dictator

    It's fucked up because it denies that you are an independent creature with your own rights and thoughts, and that "privacy" would be one of those rights.

    To put it in perspective, okay, maybe not super fucked up compared to parents on this forum, but consider that I can't even talk about this forum with most of the people I know who have kids, because it is traumatically upsetting to them to hear about people acting that way. So that's sort of an extreme thing to be comparing to.
     
    • Like x 4
  18. peripheral

    peripheral Stacy's Dad Is Also Pretty Rad

    Oh.

    :/
     
  19. peripheral

    peripheral Stacy's Dad Is Also Pretty Rad

    Wait the stuff I mention here is fucked up?
    Cause I tend to say the worse stuff in Skype chats.
     
  20. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    Yes, just from what you've said in this thread its clear your parents are fucking up hard on a pretty basic level.
     
    • Like x 1
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