Then watch something you like. Listen to some good music. Scribble something on a piece of paper and then throw it away.
i've had something to drink but i don't really feel hungry and getting up is really tiring i accidentally a nap today it just. sigh.
this kinda sucks i just. i feel like i've gone too long to just quit now? i feel sick and i've pretty much lied to people about how much i've eaten.
In what way do you feel like you've gone too long to quit now? The sunk cost fallacy is a real thing. If you've started on something that's a bad idea, you don't need to finish it just because you started. In a purely practical sense it might be a little tricky to break this fast, I'm not sure at what point exactly you start being at risk of having major problems from breaking your fast the wrong way. Maybe you should eat something now before it gets any worse or harder to stop. Remember, people will notice and freak out and probably make you go to the hospital long before this actually kills you. And it will not be convenient for them, you know. Even if you chose a faster or more natural-looking method. Anyone who cares enough to let you crash at their place and eat their food, even if you won't take them up on that offer, cares enough to feel like shit if you die. I mean, you can always start over if you still want to starve yourself after you've eaten. Maybe go eat something now and have a clearer mind to make decisions about the future?
bluh. i know. i even get offered food but i just. can't even imagine how to actually accept anything anymore. i've probably needed some sort of hospital care for a while but i can't afford it i mean i could do something easier and faster but it's too much effort.
Do you need a script to remind you how to accept an offer and how to eat? (Honest question, there's absolutely zero shame in getting tothat level of dysfunctional, trust me.) Or do you think, since you can still drink, you could have a cup of milk or a regular not-diet soda with calories in it? I don't know what to doabout the problem of needing and not being able to afford care that you need. But I know you won't be able to find the answer to that problem unless you're alive. I don't have any idea how severe your depression is by itself but going hungry is probably only making it worse. I would say it's more likely than not that you will feel less awful if you can eat something. Anything.
i've got stuff to drink that's not just water i'm just. ugh. i don't need a script cuz the issue is more "i can't trust myself to do the thing that is actually good for me" i've had a few hospitalizations for depression related issues before
Well, I think that an important thing to know now is that you're not going to die of this no matter how much time you've sunk into not eating. You will either eat/drink and recover on your own or be hospitalized for malnutrition/dehydration. It's up to you how you want that to go down. Maybe going to the hospital would be helpful, they could get you checked out and try to get you on some medications to temporarily treat your depression and things. But yeah, you're not close to dying, only to having an ambulance ride. Either way I hope you feel better soon.
sigh yeah i know. i just. at this point nothing sounds good and it's late and i'm just. i can't do it i'm stupid and awful
Anon, I am 99.9999999999999999% sure the person you are living in will gladly give up some snacks, or even a couple of meals, if it keeps you from starving. I am equally certain they absolutely do not give a shit if you can "pay them back later" You, being alive, being okay, is payment enough. You do not need to "earn" the right to eat.
i know i don't but i always feel like i do i got found out last night that i hadn't eaten for like four days and i got sat down and watched while i ate something mostly today i feel very sick and gross now
it's probably a minor shock to your body to suddenly get food after not eating for a few days. I know how you feel, I really do. There were months where I could only eat stuff out of a bag unless somebody made or bought me food because even microwavable meals too much for my brain to work through all the steps involved. Even right now I feel like a waste of resources that could be better used on someone else. But I also know what it's like to be the other person, who can't make the other person eat when they are depressed and havn't eaten in days. It's really stressful, it's like crying babies. There is an instinctual need to have the person you are living with shove food in their face hole. I don't want to make you feel guilty, or worse than you already do. But if you are weighing your options here, having your roommate make you food or buy you food until you can go to the food bank or hospital, or going to the hospital now before the crisis gets any worse, is infinitely better than "not eat for several days, forced to go to the hospital because you start fainting from malnutrition" at least get a bag of something in your room that you can just grab and eat like apples, chips, cereal, etc. that keep forever and aside from initially opening the bag you don't have to unwrap.
i used to have some of that stuff in my room but i ran out because i got super depressed and tired and just never bothered to get up to get more. or earn money to buy more. or do much of anything i don't like the feeling, i do feel emotionally on the up since getting some food in me but at the same time i feel sick, and gross. at least i picked up my room some but i still feel nasty. everything feels gross and tiring
are you in any kind of treatment right now? because all of this sounds very alarming. Also if the person you are living with was concerned enough that they watched you eat, I am pretty sure they could pick up some stuff at the store if you asked. Or if you feel guilty about them spending money on you, go to the food bank.
i'm not in any treatment. i haven't had medication since summer of last year, and haven't had a therapy session in about as long. neither of those things did a whole lot for me though they could but money is the root of all evil and i am uncomfortable when people spend it on me. and i'm almost always too tired to go to the food bank myself.
I see, that sucks. But I still think any level of improvement is better than the state you are currently in. That's why I'm saying they could go to the food bank for you. If they want to see you eating (which they clearly do) then a trip back and forth should not be a big deal for them, and if they want to spend money to buy or make you food on top of or instead of that then that is their choice with what to do with their money. If that person chooses either option then for them those are preferable to the stress of the alternative option of you not eating. The people who you are "mooching" off of clearly don't want you to be homeless, and they don't want you to die. You're not paying them back right now because you are sick, not because you are a shitty person. But you've gotta eat first before you can do anything about that.
it just feels easier to give up than struggle with this forever. the last two times i tried suicide no one would just. let me do it. sigh. from what i can tell i'm gonna struggle with this shit for the rests of my god forsaken life and i don't WANT to. it's too much energy and misery.
