Magus' player had chosen a weasel for Magus' familiar. Including bowtie. However, Magus had been attempting to summon "something awesome" which was left ambiguous for the sake of drama. They get very into the roleplay.
OH MY FUCK THESE FUCKING ASSHOLES. Enter into the Temple of Lamashtu, where the mutated goblin hero Koruvus waits, drinking unholy water from the shrine. I decide that since these fuckers have been mowing every fucking thing in this entire goddamn dungeon down in just one or two rounds, I'm going to boost his armor class by 3, and double his health. Eat shit, fuckers. 18AC, 52 HP. How do you like me now?! They manage to sneak up behind him, so surprise round. Fighter: Nat20 with a x3 crit compound bow for 15 damage to Flat Footed Magus: 19, 11 damage. X2 for surprise round. Precisely 52 damage. They oneshot the second best boss in the dungeon after I DOUBLED his health. *flips table into the sun*
fuckigng incredible I'm surprised they're chewing through this adventure so effectively, given it's designed for 4-5 PCs and they have 2 PCs + a support character. I know published adventures aren't always the most well-balanced against optimizing players, but you'd think the action economy would begin to tell against them. (Your husband is OP. :P ) Isn't there some kind of ridiculously tough barghest later in this dungeon?
Part III: Glass and Wrath. aka "What the fuck I spent three hours drawing this damn map, what do you mean you're done here within an hour?!" Part I Spoilers Ahoy for Burnt Offerings! Previously, at the Swallowtail Festival, Fighter had his Fortune read by Witch. She saw truly but vaguely, sensing "Fire" (The raid on the festival) "Dead dogs" (the little boy with the "night terrors") and "Broken glass" (Goblin entry point is the city's famous glass factory). The morning after Magus summons Wiggles the Weasel, they're approached by one of the Rusty Dragon's maids, who shows them a letter indicating Ameiko had gone to meet her long-lost bastard brother Tsuto at midnight in the Glassworks to discuss their father's potential involvement in the goblin raid on the Swallowtail Festival. The letter included instructions on when to meet, including a code to knock on the back door. Fighter thinks this is an excellent idea, and leads the way to the Glassworks in broad daylight to knock on the door like a chump are you fucking serious. Witch intervenes just before he knocks on the door, (with no Perception check, no investigation in to what is clearly a big shiny trap at all what the hell) and slaps his hand away, citing her vision. Fire = Goblins. Dead Dogs = More fucking goblins. Now we're at the Glassworks. Glass. Think about it. Magus: Well, yeah, but there's been a lot of broken glass in the last few days... Witch: *screams internally* Fighter: Maybe we should look around. GM: Okay, there's clear, openable windows all around the building, and all the doors have large, clear glass panels to showcase the Glassworks' skill and a couple skylights, one here *indicates far opposite corner of building* and here *indicates another point way across the roof* Fighter: Okay, I'm going to climb up to the roof. GM: ... Magus: Yeah, me too. Witch: (Wisely keeps her ass on the ground and sends her flying familiar up to look around with them, which they could have asked her to do at any time, without climbing the roof at all) Random Passerby Farmer: Hey now, what're you doing hangin around the Glassworks? Ain't no one been out of there in days, they got a big project or somethin, best leave them alone. Witch: I... Uhm, we're looking for Ameiko, it's very urgent, we heard she might be here... (completely failing her Diplomacy check, because why bother putting points in Charisma? She's a Witch, it's not like people are going to like her anyway.) Magus: *pops his head over the edge of the roof, rolls 27 Bluff* and says "~Magic~." Random Passerby Farmer is a simple man and decides he doesn't want anything to do with magic, and goes on his way despite an increased Diplomacy DC for a second attempt to bluff a suspicious NPC what the hell. Witch: ಠ_ಠ Several failed Climb, Acrobatics and Reflex saves later... Magus: This is stupid we're never going to get anywhere, why are you making us do this? Fighter: Yeah, can't we just walk around the building to the skylight and go up there? GM: I didn't make you do shit this was your idea! They climb down, hike to the Display Room, and then back up to the roof to look through the skylight without bothering to look through the huge fucking glass door. And find, surprise surprise, that everything in the Display Room has been shattered. Broken Glass. Now they decide to look at the door. Fighter fails to pick the lock, but Magus has a glass-cutting rig in his kit, and carefully cuts a hole in the glass to reach in and open the deadbolt. They pick their way through the halls, with Witch's familiar riding on Fighter's shoulder since she's not getting caught dead in Obvious Trapville, Population: These Assholes and because both of them bear the mark of her Scar Hex, she can cast any spells she wants on them through her familiar. She's relaxing outside in the sun on this lovely brisk autumn day, scrying through her familiar's eyes. They follow the sounds of maniacal giggling and carefully open the forge door a crack to find eight goblins capering around the forges and the bodies of the workers, along with the corpse of Ameiko the Innkeeper's villainous dick of a father suspended from the ceiling by one ankle. Now, GM Guide suggests I let them have a surprise round, to get them familiar with the idea. Sure, why not. However, I decide they'll eventually fight all 8 goblins at once, because they've been tearing them apart in groups of 3-4 all week so let's make it interesting. There's a lot of opportunities for the fight. There's tables to stand on and jump off of, bits of broken glass shrapnel, red-hot forge tools for improvised weapons, it'll be great. Magus carefully pushes the door wider, angles his bow through the doorway, and pins a goblin to the wall through the eye socket. It screams and alerts the others, who also begin screaming. Fighter charges into the room, sword drawn and splits another goblin from eyebrows to elbows with a single blow. Three goblins soon surround him, but despite flanking bonuses, can't penetrate his armor. One of them fumbles his attack so badly that Fighter is able to take advantage of the opportunity, splitting this goblin in half horizontally for variety. Magus sweeps into the room, his sword crackling with spell-charged lighting and-- Magus: *Rolls Nat20* Hmm. Let's see, 1d6 damage per level, plus 1d8 melee, plus strength, x2 to crit... 48. GM: Oh, but you're not OP at all. (The goblins as a group don't even have 48hp combined) Magus: I'm not! I just peak early. GM: I hate you. --and reduces a goblin to ash in a slash of blinding light and echoing thunder. The rest of the goblins immediately drop their weapons and huddle on the ground, bowing and trembling in fear. Fighter finishes off the last one that was attacking him anyway. Magus snarls in his best Christian Bale Batman voice, "Where is she?!" Magus: 19 to Intimidate. GM: You don't need to intimidate them more! They're already treating you like an avenging god! Three of them just pooped themselves for fuck's sake. Magus: Excellent. The goblins continue wailing in fear, gibbering and too terrified at this point to answer because there's such a thing as overkill, Dreok, as Ameiko's long-lost bastard half brother Tsuto arrives from downstairs, alone with five more, better, stronger goblins because Magus and Fighter are both completely unscathed and Witch is on her third game of Cat's Cradle outside. Tsuto demands to know what the hell is going on, and Magus responds with another Batmanesque "Where is she?!" Tsuto uncreatively shouts that they'll never find her, and commands his goblins to attack. Two of them draw shortbows and-- GM: Oh for fuck's sake. Double Nat1's --ricochet their shots off opposite walls, shooting each other and-- GM: fuckdammit Magus & Fighter: *howl with laughter* --killing one of them outright. The survivors of the initial group of now-cowering goblins begin to regain some of their courage with the arrival of their boss. One of them attempts to stab Fighter in the back. Her sword clanks off Fighters armor, Fighter reduces her to a smear on the forge floor. The remaining group 1 goblin goes back to cowering. Tsuto's remaining three charge at Magus, waving actually-kinda-nice-for-goblin-made swords and meet Magus's 15ft radius Burning Hands spell are you fucking kidding me how did all of them fail the Reflex save. ... ... ... Tsuto flees back downstairs. Fighter stays upstairs to finish off the last of Tsuto's goblins as Magus pursues Tsuto downstairs, past Ameiko-tied-up-and-dying-in-a-corner-of-a-storeroom into the secret Smuggler's Tunnels. Magus calls for Taiga through his sigil, and belatedly sends Wiggles back to gnaw through Ameiko's ropes as he corners Tsuto, who kills himself rather than be captured and interrogated. Lusus is carefully carried in, sitting fluffed-up and preened perfectly spotless in the shaking hands of the terrified, smelly solitary surviving goblin. He hops onto Ameiko, transferring the Heal spell he'd been carrying to her, stabilizing her. The Heroes carry Ameiko out, and sack the place, recovering a shitload of gold and Tsuto's Journal of Convenient Exposition from his room below the Glassworks before returning in triumph to the Rusty Dragon to figure out where the hell to go from here.
I kind of want to buy RotRL now. Frood no. Frood I don't care it's the cheapest AP at $42. Frood you don't even know anyone who plays Pathfinder.
Part III: Glass and Wrath, Part ii: aka "Avi literally leaves the table mid dungeon to make a cup of tea and stands in there glaring at the teapot for a bit because what the fuck as her players continue their victorious backslapping and laughing." They return to the Rusty Dragon late in the evening with Ameiko in tow. After putting her to bed to sleep off some of the trauma, they regroup with Leera the Goblin Hunter to discuss Tsuto's Journal of Convenient Exposition. The Journal reveals that the raid was orchestrated by the previously-thought-also-burned-alive Assimar (half angel) daughter of the previous priest, Nualia. It was a ruse in order to steal her adoptive father's bones so she could sacrifice them to Lamashtu, Mother of Monsters, beginning the process of removing her "celestial taint"-- Magus and Fighter begin snickering like nine-year-olds. Leera glares at them over her notes. --and her transformation into a demon of Wrath. Snickering stops abruptly. The notes detail plans for a much larger goblin raid headed by the powerful Thistletop goblins to come up through the Glassworks, the release of something called Malfeshnekor, and erotic illustrations of Nualia, her powerful new demon arm, and her desire to burn Sandpoint to the ground for Lamashtu. After rousting the Sage from his bed in the middle of the night and scaring the bejeezus out of the poor old man with the sudden knowledge that the peaceful little town he retired in to study the Old Light is about to be overrun by goblins, sinspawn and worse, he can't give them much more information than that a Quasit is a minor demon, and Malfeshnekor doesn't sound like any demons he's ever heard of, but probably isn't one because long-winded explanation of meanings, spellings, conjugation and dissection of demon names. They take that with a grain of salt because he insists never actually studied Demonology. They decide to rest, resupply and head back to the Glassworks in the morning. ------ Descent into the Smuggler's Tunnels below the glassworks is lead by Fighter, with Witch casting Light from her staff in the pitch dark. Magus notices some severely weird looking footprints in the dirt floor, and a little farther ahead, Fighter hears the sound of something sniffing and snuffling around. They kill the lights, draw weapons and one two Sinspawn leap out of a nearby cave. Witch recasts Light, the sudden flare startling both Sinspawn so they both miss their attacks or something. Magus strikes with another devastating Shocking Grasp + Spellstrike combo-- Magus: *dice rattling* 56 GM: Son of a bitch. --the impact crushing both Sinspawn into globs of slimy, glowing orange goo. Witch, unprepared for the flashbang, ends up completely deaf and half blind for the next four rounds. Fighter had anticipated the sound and covered both his eyes and ears. They help Witch stagger into the next room, past a rusty bear trap set into the floor, and Fighter decides to break the door down without having Magus or Witch do a Detect Magic on the door because it's not like we're in an evil lair or anything, Katos. Witch is deafened, again, and so is Fighter as an explosive ward goes off and an alarm wails. Witch manages to dispel the shrieking alarm that she was half tempted to leave going as a lesson because she can't hear it anyway. They head farther into the temple proper, stopping to examine the magnificent ancient statue in the entryway, and between the three of them determine it to be RuneLord Alaznist, holding a stone spellbook engraved with the seven-pointed star they keep seeing in relation to Bad Things, which proves the old Sage wasn't crazy when he claimed the Old Light was related in some way to the RuneLords. They then neatly bypass all the rooms the other alerted guardian Sinspawn were waiting in ambush by means of "Hmm. Let's go THIS way!" down another hall. Dammit. The hall they've decided to wander down, however, is guarded by a fuck it three vargouille, two in stealth, one in the open who--fuck--doesn't notice them at all and is promptly shot and fatally wounded. It screams, attempting to paralyze Fighter but somehow busting down a door and deafening himself worked in his favor because it has no effect. The other two burst out of hiding, one shrieking enough to actually paralyze Magus as the other swoops in attempting to kiss him, a tactic that will eventually result in him turning into a vargouille himself, except Fighter smashes it out of the air, and takes off running up the ruined spiral stairs after the screamer. Witch casts Resistance on him, then works frantically with Lusus in an attempt to un-paralyze Magus, but can't find the spell to remove the curse, while Wiggles chatters angrily at them both. Fighter corners the last vargouille at the top of the staircase, is immediately screamed at, paralyzed, and kissed. However, the vargouille can't get past him on the narrow staircase, and just flutters around awkwardly trying and failing to bite through his armor until the paralysis wears off and Fighter slices it to pieces. Fighter wanders back downstairs, wondering why all his hair is falling out as the paralysis wears off Magus. Witch informs him that he's going to turn into a vargouille if they don't get him a Cure or at least into some sunlight soon. He flips his shit and runs back downstairs, seeking the main part of the Temple so they can get out of here ASAP. He finds it, and they manage to skip fully half the dungeon. At this point, I'm starting to get a little cranky. They've blown through everything I've thrown at them, with only a few minor hiccups along the way. They rarely even get hit! They're approaching the UnderBoss of the dungeon, the goblin "hero" Koruvus. He's got great potential in a fight already. Three arms, each with its own sword, the ability to vomit acid, and he's a berserker. For good measure, I decide to boost his armor class a little, and double his HP, since at 26HP, if Magus pulls his Spellstrike bullshit like he did in the hall, it'll be a one-hit kill and this is a boss, I can't let that happen! I want them to have to work for this a little. Then this happens: (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ ... ... ... Magus retrieves me from the kitchen with my fresh cup of tea, and they proceed into the temple proper. The Quasit, Erylium, flies into a rage, shrieking from the pulpit at them for intruding upon the "Mother's sanctum" and slashes her wrist over the glowing orange minor runewell in the center of the temple, summoning another three more Sinspawn. The Heroes have initiative, and Magus opens with Burning Hands, reducing the HP of all three Sinspawn by half. Fighter follows up with an arcing slash that finishes off one of them, Witch follows Magus' Burning Hands with Frostbite, and another Sinspawn crumbles into frozen, steaming chunks. At this point it's 2am and I'm admittedly getting cranky. I have Erylium cast Summon Monster II, but make it more on the level of Summon Monster V, summoning a lava-drooling Dire Wolf because I'm a terrible person. It takes a huge chunk out of Magus because my monster dice finally start cooperating and give LavaWolf my first crit of the night. Magus is now also cranky because that was a dick move and the wolf vanishes. Witch frantically spends all her healing spells over the next several rounds stabilizing Magus and bringing him back to some measure of health as Fighter rampages around the room, obliterating Sinspawn and ultimately cornering Erylium against the pulpit. Both Magus and Fighter sneer down at her, both of them bleeding from claw slashes, Magus heavily scorched and staggering. Fighter gives Magus the option to "do the honors." He shakes his head, says, "Together," and then they each jam a sword through one of her eyes Boondock Saints execution-style. They're too injured to attempt to destroy the runewell, and instead run like hell out of the caverns amid eldritch howls from below and demonic writing appearing along the walls with Magus slung over Witch and Fighter's shoulders. They run for the Cathedral, where Magus is fully healed and Fighter gets his vargouille curse removed. Now all that remains is to gather volunteers (like Fighter's sister's soon-to-be-made character) and assault Thistletop itself... and maybe take down the organizer of it all, Nualia the demon-princess.
Part III: Glass and Wrath, Part iii aka "Let's give the new kid a test run before we trust her with our lives against a goblin army. Also we should probably destroy that Runewell." The hike back down into the heart of the Temple of Lamashtu is terrifying for poor little Mira, the halfling Rogue we picked up in the bar at the Rusty Dragon. She heard us bitching each other out for fucking up and nearly getting us all killed multiple times recounting our adventures. Considering herself a dashing, fearless sort of Robin Hood Rogue, she decided she wanted a piece of the action and asked to tag along. Being a bunch of irresponsible assholes who only have a vague idea what the hell we're doing, and knowing destroying the Runewell will probably involve killing if not creating and then killing more Sinspawn, we figured having another body along won't hurt anything. Rogue was unprepared for eldritch howls echoing through glowing-orange-slime stained caverns, demonic threats scribbling themselves across the walls and vanishing, and rapidly decaying giant-mutant-goblin corpse but holds up bravely until we get to the temple heart and the slightly-dimmer-glowing Runewell within. After several rounds of Runewell-fueling arguing between Fighter and Magus as to who would make the first blood sacrifice to the Well, Witch gets fed up and slashes her own wrist, summoning three Sinspawn. In her eagerness to be included, Rogue quickly does the same, instantly summoning two more Sinspawn, much to the dismay of the more experienced fighters. Rogue: Oh, was I not supposed to do that? All: No! Faced with five Sinspawn who have already seriously injured Newbie Rogue and incapacitated Witch with mindless rage, Magus readies Spell Combat + Spellstrike + Shocking Grasp + Elemental Blade + 1 Arcane Pool Point for his Fucking Bullshit What The Hell Why Do I Even Bother Putting Normal Monsters In These Dungeons Combo and then Critical hits not only the Spell components but also the melee attack portion for an incredibly ridiculous ninety fucking two fucking points of fucking damage. I made him roll a d10, to split the damage among the 5 Sinspawn and he kills 4/5 outright. A tremendous indoor lightning strike chains around the room, obliterating four of the five Sinspawn instantly, splattering the room with steaming globs of Runewell Goo, as well as blinding and deafening the last one, who flails away from the group, shrieking in dismay. Along with everyone else, because for fuck's sake, Dreok, warn people. Thunder rattles the very foundation of the caves, collapsing several areas with poor stability as Fighter and Rogue barely stop themselves from stumbling blindly into the damn Runewell, and Witch is deafened for the third time in two days while Magus cracks up laughing, though he can't hear himself over his newfound tinnitus as he walks over and finishes the last Sinspawn off with his sword. Then we all sit around awkwardly for six rounds because holy shit until we can all see and hear again after the equivalent of several flashbangs. Rogue takes the opportunity to hide behind the pulpit on high ground for possible Stealth and Terrain bonuses for the next summoning, as Fighter slashes his wrist and summons the final three Sinspawn. Witch manages to not get bitten this time, Fighter and Magus take out one between them, and Rogue passes her Stealth check to sneak attack the one flanking Fighter. She then ducks behind the pulpit in terror as Fighter yanks her arrow out of his shoulder, screaming "What the actual fuck?!" after her critical fail knocks her flat on her ass. The final Sinspawn is slain and the Runewell begins to collapse, going dark and coalescing into a bottomless, sucking pit as the skulls and stone around it are drawn into it. The larger Heroes manage to hold their balance against its pull, but tiny Rogue is dragged across the floor towards the yawning chasm. Fighter attempts to grab her before she goes over the edge but fails, possibly because she just shot him in the godsdamned shoulder. She manages to catch and cling to the edge long enough for Magus to pull her up. We run for the exit as the newly destabilized caverns rumble around us, returning to the Rusty Dragon with Rogue in tow, having decided to keep her around, provided she gets some archery lessons. Or leaves the bow at home.
Are you using custom crit/fail tables? I think by the rules as written that thing should just have killed the one sinspawn it hit. (Very thoroughly, but still)
Technically yes, that should have been an incredibly thorough 1HK but... Ehn. When you have that much spillover damage on a Nat20? Like, the Sinspawn individually had about 20hp. I figured eh, if he Nat20s and does that much damage he can have a chain-lightning effect for Rule Of Cool. Only on Nat20s though. I have a Crit Generator App that I use for Nat20s and Nat1s to deal additional effects for entertainment value, or I'll just think up something ridiculously badass like "wallclimb kickflip acrobatics check to backstab" for a Rogue once.
Part IV: Thistletop Part i aka "No one hates Fate and Destiny more than the Seer dragged along with you." Before we can even get to Thistletop, we have to traverse the massive maze of briars the goblins cultivated along the clifftop approach to the island fortress. Rogue has stayed behind in the bar to question her life choices, and Magus is sulking because Witch and Fighter won't let him burn the whole maze to the ground so everyone is forced to move at a slow, crouching walk through the cramped, damp and thorny tunnels. A series of lucky turns means they don't actually encounter any of the goblin patrols added on a GM whim because no I will not make this easy and you bypassed all the canon goblin lairs already until halfway through the maze, just past a large, inexplicable pit in the ground. An overzealous strike by Fighter tangles his shiny new +1 sword he got off Koruvus in brambles, and his attempt to yank it free sends it spinning out of his hands directly into the Howling Hole behind him. With the goblin patrol dead, Magus is lowered down the 70ft drop on a 50ft rope to attempt to find the sword and use Mage Hand's 30ft range to retrieve it. Perception shows the sword just below the surface, as well as the rapidly-moving wake of Something moving towards him underwater. He grabs the sword, swaying wildly on his tether and screaming "Oh shit oh shit oh ffffffuck pull me up pull me up PULL ME UP!" as the Bunyip in the water breaches loudly, jaws snapping and barely missing him. Reunited with his weapon, Fighter takes point and sets off down the tunnels with the certainty of direction determined only by "Eh. This way?" Magus is promptly pounced on and tackled by a massive firepelt cougar, named Tangletooth, the animal companion of the second-in-command of the Thistletop goblins, the druid Gogmurt. Magus' response to getting pounced on by 250lb of claws, teeth and red and black fur is "I need it," because he's insane. Cue several attempts to grapple a fucking cougar that have varying success until Fighter yanks its legs out from under it and sits on it while Magus moves off deeper into the maze to find Gogmurt. Helpless without his beloved Tangletooth, Gogmurt can only make a few failed swipes with his Flame Blade before he is impaled on Magus' bigger, better Elemental Flame Blade and thrown into the briars. The thoroughly demoralized Tangletooth is convinced to join up with them-- GM: Dude, you're a Magus, you don't get an animal companion. Magus: I know, I just want a pet. 28 to Handle Animal. GM: ugh. --with the promise of a swank cushy bed by the fire in the Rusty Dragon and all the goblins she can eat. She goes back to her den for a sad nap. Further progress through the maze encounters another empty watch post goblin patrol, this one with a Warchanter. The warchanter hides in the watchpost, screeching encouragement at her troops until they're slain before sneaking out the back and attempting to run for the bridge to warn the others. Fighter manages to meet her at the bridge and clotheslines her with his sword. They arrive at the fog-enshrouded bridge to Thistletop Island, which they are absolutely certain is trapped in some way but can't figure out how or how to disable it. Once they're all on the bridge, the entire left side collapses. Magus is close enough to the far side to leap to land, Fighter manages to cling to the remaining suspension rope, but Witch tumbles off into the raging surf below. Only by a quick cast of feather fall and her childhood background of Swamp Rat save her from getting tossed to her death against the rocks by waves as Fighter hauls himself hand-over-hand along the rope to the island. Magus and Fighter drop a rope down the cliffside, so Fighter can climb down, sling the exhausted Witch over his shoulder and get hauled back up by Magus. Witch spends the next couple rounds on her hands and knees, vomiting up seawater and cursing Fate, Destiny, and everything that ever brought her to Sandpoint. Meanwhile, four a dozen goblin commandos and their dogs stare at them in confusion, their game of "killgull" rudely interrupted by the Longshanks. Fighter whips his sword out in a Dazzling Display, sending half the guard running and shrieking in terror back into the fortress as Witch staggers to her feet, past the Heroes into the mass of goblins and unleashes her first true damaging spell of the campaign, obliterating four of the remaining five on ground level in a massive, pissed-off display of bright green Witch-flavored Burning Hands. Magus stabs another, and abruptly the animation quality of the encounter upticks to The Full Anime, as Fighter's arrow whistles through Witch's suddenly inexplicably loose, flowing hair in a whirlwind of spontaneous out-of-season cherry blossoms to 1HK and pin the final ground level goblin to the fortress wall in an artistic gout of blood. They then take pot shots at the two remaining in the guard tower until both are dead or sufficiently wounded enough to stop causing problems before--on three--they kick the main door in together and prepare to face the Fortress.
Part IV: Thistletop Part ii aka "I like this place. We should fix it up after we clean out the goblins." Most of the fleeing guard is still in the Trophy Room just inside the door, but are quickly dispatched by Fighter and Magus' swordplay backed by Witchy Guidance. They head into the storerooms and up to the guard tower, where Magus wipes the last of the ground guard and two groggy tower guards from existence in a fiery explosion that smells vaguely of pickles. The storerooms hold nothing of interest, though Magus makes a note of the goblin dogs' feeder rabbits to bribe Tangletooth with later. The exercise yard proves interesting, and both Heroes are instantly compelled to keep the starving warhorse Shadowmist for himself. Both are excellent with animals, but Magus had thought to feed the poor thing first so Shadowmist prefers him. Fighter: What the hell, you already have a cat! Magus: Yes but she's Wiggles' mount. I still need one and I want the pretty pony. The exercise yard leads into the armory and treasury, where Magus decides to open the treasure chest without checking for traps and gets his hand slashed open for his trouble, and the Heroes split the relative shitload of gold and gems between them. Witch calls dibs on all the jewelry, as per their agreement. Realising they can't actually get to the throne room from their location and determined to "punch that little fucker (Warchief Ripnugget) in the dick," they retrace their steps into the main hall and from there, the throne room. Another synchronized door-kick reveals Ripnugget on his giant gecko mount, Stickfoot. He commands them to halt, saying they are unworthy of entering his throne room. Save for Witch, because she's pretty and looks sensible enough to understand parley. Witch refuses, and Ripnugget screeches for his four dozen hand-picked commando guards to swarm down from the rafters and attack. Magus taps into his Elemental Bloodline in a new, terrifying way, roaring and spitting white-hot flame across fully half the guard and roasting them alive instantly. A goblin Warchanter attempts to horrify Fighter with his Hideous Laughter, but Fighter shrugs off the shrill giggling as Witch casts Fortune, splitting the hex among the party and cackling wildly (with much greater effect) as Fighter wades into the second half of the guard, cleaving goblins into bite-sized chunks left, right and center. Magus' second and third fiery breaths finish off his half of the guard as Fighter skewers the Warchanter in his preferred style--right through the mouth and out the neck as Ripnugget joins the battle at last. His gecko mount streaks up the wall past Magus, allowing him a vicious ride-by attack with his shortsword. Magus and Fighter both attempt to behead the wriggly lizard, but Ripnugget skillfully wheels his mount away and up a support pillar before charging back down and slicing through Magus' defense again. Blows are exchanged on both sides, with tiny Ripnugget dealing more damage to the party from lizardback than any previous monster faced, until Fighter attempts a wallclimb of his own, springboards off a pillar and pins Ripnugget to his throne with a sword through the stomach. Ripnugget giggles, coughing blood, as he informs the party that The Mistress will destroy them. All that remains is to descend into the dungeons of Thistletop and stop Nualia.
Edits from the players: Magus would like me to add that it wasn't him that convinced Tangletooth to come with them, it was Wiggles, communicating via interpretive dance. Also that he kept Stickfoot as well, and Fighter is sulking because Magus has a godsdamned zoo. Part IV: Thistletop Part iii aka "Witch takes a sharp turn off Chaotic Neutral to Evil and no one seems to mind or notice." There's two staircases down into the dungeons, one down the center of the fortress (and the start of the dungeon) and another towards the back that ultimately leads to the even-lower-dungeon. They take the latter, because stars forbid we do this the easy way, but after Witch fails her stealth check and tumbles headlong down half the flight of stairs they decide maybe Destiny is saying "don't go down there yet," and proceed into the main dungeon. The first room down is the War Chamber, and full of notes, diagrams and maps of multiple proposed raids on Sandpoint but yields no new information. The goblin version of an art gallery follows, with extensive waist-high finger-paintings depicting victories, battles, and a horrible giant goblin-wolf that appears to be 10ft tall according to scale. We decide the paintings are in crayon because no one wants to think about what a goblin would paint with. The floor of the Chapel Antechamber is littered with seven-pointed stars that Witch and Magus both nearly stumble over as Fighter is the one to recognize "Hey wait isn't this that magical symbol thing? What's it do?" Prodding by Witch reveals that they are in fact anti-magic traps, and that now her tie to her magic has been cut off for a while. Magus: You are the worst at this. Witch flips her soggy, bead-and-bone embroidered skirts at him. Witch: Do I really look like the kind of person who deals with gold-plated runes on a regular basis?! and then Fighter has to break up a raven-and-weasel fight. Magus smugly disspells the rest of the runes while Witch sulks and waits for her powers to come back. Fighter carefully cracks the door of the Temple, revealing two massive Yeth Hounds that Witch identifies as personal gifts from Lamashtu herself and thus signs that Nualia has garnered incredible favor with the Mother of Monsters--just as a Yeth Hound catches sight of Fighter and lets loose a bloodcurdling hunting howl. Fighter suddenly panics, tearing off back down the halls away from the hounds and back up the stairs because goblins are one thing, but fucking flying demon dogs?! Nope. Magus laughs as Fighter flees, leaping into the Chapel with Burning Hands leading the way. He carves his way through the snarling, snapping Hounds, immune to their fearsome howls and the soul-wracking properties of their Evil bite, since no one has ever considered him a truly 'good' man, slicing his way through both as Witch Guides his hand. Fighter manages to regain his courage and runs back in at a dead sprint in time to reduce the last Hound to a sticky black smear on the Chapel floor. Fighter then has to endure teasing and catcalling from both Magus and Witch as they move into the Abandoned Feast Hall. They open the door to the Chieftain's Harem, still bickering amiably until a very surprised and offended Bruthazmus the Bugbear surfaces from beneath a pile o' sexy goblin laydeez. Fighter gags because goblin tiddies, and then again as Magus lights the room up with another Burning Hands because barbequed goblin tiddies. Bruthazmus manages to hold his own for a bit, but being interrupted with your girlfriends plus watching those girlfriends get roasted tends to put a bit of a damper on one's fighting skills and the Heroes make short work of him. The next room is the goblin "nursery" which is a filthy, stinking hive of mostly-empty cages. One snapping, snarling goblinling occupies a cage in the far corner, and eventually Witch gets tired of Magus and Fighter squabbling over whether they should adopt it as a protege or leave it to die and flips a dagger into its chest herself because she's had a very trying day, knows she'd get stuck goblin-sitting, and would really like to go home now. Magus and Fighter wisely decide to move on into the human living spaces, abruptly encountering Orik, Nualia's down-on-his-luck, ruggedly handsome mercenary guard. For once the Heroes don't barge in, swords swinging. Instead they both stand in Orik's doorway, dripping goblin blood and worse with swords drawn, and calmly inform Orik that he really, really does not want to fuck with them. Orik agrees, and insists that he'll do whatever he can to help us, if only they'll let him get out alive. The Heroes take this opportunity to rob him blind, and demand to know how they can be certain he won't betray them. Orik insists he's trustworthy, that all he wants is to get away from this shithole, as Witch shoulders both Heroes aside, peering curiously into his face. The Heroes notice that she's playing up the crazy a bit, as she cocks her head, birdlike, and gently runs her fingertips along his jaw and cheekbones. He flinches, but she makes soothing noises, saying "He won't betray us." As Orik relaxes, she grins viciously and seizes half his face in her hand, searing a Scar into his flesh down to the bone. The Heroes flinch back as Orik screams in agony, clutching at the handprint burned into his face. Magus: Shit! Fighter: What the fuck was that for?! Witch blinks, all doe-eyed innocence, and strokes the kneeling mercenary's hair. Witch: He won't betray us now. He can't. Fighter: Oh. Oh! Nice. He looks down at Orik. That mark means she can find you. He tips Orik's chin up with the point of his sword. Anywhere. Magus yells from down the hall that he's found Tsuto's old room, if the notes and erotic doodles of Nualia are anything to judge by, but neither his, Nualia's nor a third human's chamber hold anything of interest beyond one ever-burning torch they can't figure out how to store safely. Orik leads them back into the main hall, and through the storage room. He pauses just inside the entrance of a large, seaweed-festooned cavern, warning the party to tread carefully, since some sort of monster dwells here. He is then immediately seized around the legs by an enormous tentacle and dragged screaming into the cavern. Fighter springs into action, slashing at the tentacle so it drops Orik and retreats. The Heroes follow, Magus hauling Orik to his feet as Fighter dodges lashing tentacles and a venomous stinger. Magus fires of a volley of Magic Missiles as the largest tentacle lashes out, striking Fighter but failing to hold him, and then attempting to grab Magus as bolts of silver Magic Missiles carve chunks out of its rubbery hide. The Tentamort's thrashing stinger clips Fighter, a glancing blow that fails to envenom him as Orik takes off back down the tunnels and up the stairs in an escape attempt because fuck this shit. Fighter leaps into the air, slashing at the tentacles allowing the Tentamort to cling to the cavern ceiling. As it falls, he follows it down blade first, landing with a sickening squelch in perfect Kneeling Knight Form, both hands around the sword buried up to its hilt in screeching, flailing, dying tentacle monster. The effect is not even slightly ruined by the copious amounts of thick purple blood all over the everywhere. He hauls himself out of the mess and notices Orik has fled, and yells for Witch to stop him. Witch looks skeptically between Fighter and her soggy, really-not-made-for-tackling-people self. Fighter: You know! Fighter slaps at the Scar on his forearm. Can't you make it burn or something?! Witch grins-- Nat20. Cue actual IRL cackling. --and distantly the group hears the sound of screaming and successive thuds. They come out of the caverns to find a bruised and battered Orik writhing at the bottom of the central stairs, clutching the ruins of his half-melted face and screaming. As Witch approaches, the wounds scab over, and the scabs peel off to reveal the handprint Scar on an entirely intact face. Fighter: Fuck's sake, I said burn him a bit, not melt his face Witch: Oh. Fighter hauls Orik up by his collar, snarling. "Going to try and run again?" Orik shakes his head frantically. "Good. Take us to Nualia." Back through the central hall, past the Chapel, into the War Room where they came in, and into the study where Fighter just opens the godsdamned door, again, and is met with a thoroughly pissed off wizardess: Nualia's Wizard cohort and ancient Thalassian language researcher Lyrie, who throws a volley of Magic Missiles from her wand from behind a knocked-over-table barricade, screaming, "You've ruined everything! It's your fault Tsuto's dead!" Magus: Ooh! Ooh! What's she look like? GM: Eh? Oh. Here. *flips book to show illustration* Magus: Nice. I'm going to seduce her. GM: What?! Magus: 28 GM: No! No, you are not going to seduce her, you killed her boyfriend, wrecked her research, killed her underlings and are trying to kill her and her boss! NO! Magus: But--! 28! GM: I said NO. She's still flinging Missiles, by the way, you've taken 12 damage. Fighter: Put your dick away and help me kill this bitch, dammit! Magus and Lyrie sling spells back and forth, bouncing off Spell Shield and Mage Armor respectively, Witch casts Guidance and Bungle to even the odds as Fighter wades into the glittery, flashy, explosive magic fight to seize both Lyrie's hands, knocking her wand out of one and breaking the wrist of the other. He then turns forces her to stab herself in the throat with her own dagger and broken wrist. Witch idly twirls Lyrie's wand between her fingers as Magus stuffs her spellbooks and scroll collection into his bag, complaining about the bloodstains as Fighter and Orik shove the table up out of the passageway. Witch: You really have a thing for stabbing spellslingers in the neck, doncha. Fighter: Fastest way to shut 'em up. Can't cast if y'got blood in your lungs. Witch: That's fair. Witch pockets the wand and swats Magus' hand as he tries to take the wand along with the spellbooks. Witch: Stop that, you already get sparkle-bolts, I don't. It's mine. They post Orik as a guard in the Study, drag Lyrie's body farther down the stairs to hide it, and continue on into the Lower Dungeons.
Part IV: Thistletop Part iv aka "Do not fuck the giant crab." The tunnels lead down and turn abruptly from crude goblin design to well-polished and carved if cracked passageways leading to an ornate, heavily damaged stone door carved with crowns. The antechamber beyond is lined with damaged statues of a tall man holding a book marked with the Seven Pointed Star in one hand and a glaive in the other. They all list to the west, along with the entire rest of the structure. Magus leads the way down a narrowing hallway. As he passes a third row of statues, twin ancient metal portcullises begin creakily ascending from slits in the floor in front and behind him. Magus leaps forward and over one as Fighter and Witch dodge backwards. As they watch, the statues slowly, shakily lunge forward, twin glaives slashing repeatedly into the narrow area between the portcullises with deadly intent. With a general air of "Welp. That just happened," Magus disspells the remains of the magic animating the ancient statues as Fighter brute-forces the bars of each portcullis open enough to pass through. A battered third statue swings ineffectually at Magus with its broken glaive and is similarly disspelled. They open the doors to the Observatory, revealing a beautiful young Aasimar woman, her exposed midriff roped with terrible scars, as though something tore itself from her womb and one arm transformed into a monstrous clawed demon arm. She raises a massive serrated bastard sword, and vows to punish the invaders and all of Sandpoint for their interference. A Two yeth hounds at her sides wail their hunting cries in tandem, which is the last straw for Witch, who ducks back down the halls. Magus laughs uproariously, Spellstrike Lightning crackling down his blade as he skewers a leaping, slavering yeth hound. Fighter cleaves the second into three pieces with a fore- and backhanded strike. Nualia lunges at Magus, her beautiful face an impassive mask, slashing deeply across Magus' chest with Demonic strength and grace. She and Magus dance around the Observatory, exchanging vicious blows as Fighter finishes off the yeth hounds. Magus draws heavily on his Air Elemental bloodine and Arcane pool, pouring raw lightning into a devastating two-handed slash across Nualia's chest and shoulder, nearly severing her Demonic arm. She falls silently, bloodlessly, the killing blow instantly cauterized by Magus' lightnings, somehow still unearthly lovely even in death. The Heroes retrieve Witch from the hall, who shakily heals them, still cursing Fate because fuck all of this shit. They resolve to continue searching the building, seeking the mysterious Malfeshnekor. Another room to the south holds an enormous pillar of tens of thousands of gold coins that our Heroes spend quite a good bit of time gibbering excitedly over before realizing that it's not actually a pile of coins, it's a statue of a pile of coins. Both are incredibly pissed off about this and waste a lot of time investigating the statue and searching around the room because Magus: No one just creates a giant, magically disguised pile of fake gold coins in their evil lair unless they're going to use it to hide a better pile of real gold coins, Taiga. Now shut up and help look for weird shit. A long series of hilariously bad combinations of investigative rolls (Perception, Dungeoneering, Engineering, Familiar-Assisted Perception, Knowledge Arcana, Detect Traps, Detect Magic... Perception again? No? Fuck. Uhm...) later... Eventually they conclude that it's a showy, complicated trapdoor that collapses into the floor once someone puts actual gold coins into a series of slots around the room. They make Witch pay up for running out on them during the fight with Nualia. As the pillar recedes, they notice the room beyond is not only empty but looks untouched for millennia. Probably not where Malfeshnekor is imprisoned, if the goblins know about him. They decide to come back later. The western passage leads to three doors. The first opens into a sparse if once lushly furnished room with two more statues of Book And Glaive Guy framing a raised dias where a faded, glitching illusion of Book And Glaive Guy addresses an invisible audience in a short, repetitive loop. The message is in Thassilonian, which no one speaks, but they recognize "Alaznist" as the name of the Runelord they'd found evidence of below the Glassworks. The second room is apparently the remains of an incredibly ancient alchemist's exquisite workshop. Though the potions and reagents have long since evaporated or collapsed into dust, one item hidden under crumbling, illegible notes proves interesting: a hand-sized gold-and-silver Seven Pointed Star that still hums faintly with magic and oh-so-conveniently fits an engraving in the massive third door. Witch pushes the Star into its slot, rotating it with both hands like a dial until the entire door vanishes, revealing... ...an empty room? Oh fuck, no, not empty, invisible fucking barghest. Malfeshnekor springs at Magus, all massive slashing class and snarling fangs. Fighter hacks away at it, nearly getting flung into the firepit at the center of the cell as Magus brings out the big guns, charging his sword with every source of magic he possibly can, draining his Eldritch pool until he crackles with lightning in the center of his own personal hurricane. A series of devastating, Witch-guided shocking slashes overwhelms the massive barghest, reducing Alaznist's finest general to a smoking pile of meat in a matter of seconds that felt like hours. Exhausted and bloodied, the Heroes stagger out of Malfeshnekor's cell back to what they are sincerely hoping is a Treasury. When the dusty cavities in the walls turn out to be sarcophagi, complete with murderous haunting Living Shadows oozing out of them, Magus gets very annoyed and obliterates them all with a single Burning Hands powered by the last of the spell enhancements he'd used against Malfeshnekor. The Treasury lies beyond, but is nearly completely flooded with its once incredible contents destroyed by millenia of erosion and corrosive seawater or overgrown with thick corals. The walls depict a glorious city of spires beneath a cliffside carved with a stern face. The only thing remotely intact is a massive golden helmet with a fearsome carved faceplate sized for a giant. Fighter and Magus are determined to bring it home somehow and bicker about breaking it into pieces for transport or not until Witch realizes that "Uhm, guys, the helmet just turned to look at us." As two massive claws uncurl from beneath the helmet, they realize it's now the home of a giant hermit crab, but they want it anyway and procede to smash the absolute hell out of it. Magus jams his sword through an eyeslit of the helmet and burns the last dregs of lightning he can muster. The charge is amplified by the surrounding seawater and crab's metal house, producing a deadly feedback loop enough to boil the crab alive in its shell. Cranky, exhausted, and with a visible exit out into a calm stretch of harbor through a broken wall, our Heroes then procede to sit the fuck down and vindictively, victoriously eat their collective weight in freshly steamed monster crab meat. End Book I: Burnt Offerings.
Book II: The Skinsaw Murders Interlude: We're Keeping the Castle Dramatis Personae: Lvl 9 Fighter "Kaitos Ilastari: Coworker Lvl 8 Magus "Dreok Meodin": Avi's Husband Familiar: Wiggles, weaselLvl 8 Witch "Taiga Whiteclaw": Aviari Familiar: Lusus, white ravenGM: Aviari Cohorts: Lvl 6 Ranger "Varric": Avi's Husband Companion: Willow, Giant WeaselLvl 6 Mercenary "Orik": Aviari Our Heroes return victorious to town, nearly celebrities. Many of the townsfolk are ecstatic to learn that Katos and Dreok not only plan to stick around, but intend to rebuild the fortress on Thistletop and establish a militia and a martial/magical training facility, to ensure that the goblin problem stays gone, and that the city will better be able to defend itself. Some of the ruling Noble Families are hesitant to permit a pair of outsiders to establish a militia in their city. However, Dreok's now-formal courtship of the last remaining heir of the Kaijitsu family, Ameiko the beloved Innkeeper, and the support of the populace mean there's little they can do to keep the Heroes from their ambitions or possibly becoming Nobles themselves, though rumors abound that Dreok may only be courting Ameiko in earnest for her Noble connections and income from the Glassworks. Over the next weeks, Dreok and Katos spend their time directing the restoration of the as-yet-unnamed Thistletop Fortress (I'm sure they'll think of something ridiculous.), drinking heavily, and in the case of Katos, sleeping with a statistically significant portion of Sandpoint's female population. Taiga spends a few days in town, but eventually retreats to her cottage in the Briarwood with her new minion, Orik, for some time off from the chaos of her life. About a month after death of Nualia and destruction of Malfeshnekor, Sheriff Hemlock approaches Katos and Dreok in the bar of the Rusty Dragon, where they've established something of a sitting area in front of the main fireplace. Katos sprawls in a "Gastonesque" hide-and-antler chair, Dreok shares a similar couch with Tangletooth. Hemlock asks to speak with them about something privately, and if they've spoken with Taiga recently. They offer to move to a back room of the inn, but Hemlock insists on finding Taiga and telling everyone at once. Something horrible is happening. Again. ~~~ Taiga's cottage is deep within the Briarwood, and would be considered a quaint, charming place, were it not strewn with various paraphernalia of her trade. Obscure, creeping, clinging plants crawl over and around the building, charms of bones, white feathers and broken glass rattle in the faint breeze as Orik weeds the garden to the side of the house. Our Heroes approach the door as Orik straightens and silently watches. Before Katos can do more than raise his hand to knock, the rune-carved door swings inward, and Taiga slaps him across the face with all her strength, snapping his head to the side. "What the hell?!" he yelps. "I came out here to get some quiet, you ass. Do you realize how often I've been woken up in the middle of the night by idiot girls wanting childbane potions?!" "Childb--what?" "Abortions, you dolt," Dreok drawls, rolling his eyes. She smiles brightly, if unnervingly. "Hello, Dreok," and rounds on Katos again. "Eighteen." Dreok nearly chokes laughing as Taiga plants both hands on her hips and hits her stride. "Oh, and before you get clever and tell me, 'Oh, just sleep during the day!' let me tell you that if it wasn't the girls sneaking in at night, it was their mothers walking up bold as brass during the day to get fertility charms hoping that if their sweet girl got knocked up by one of the ~Heroes Of Sandpoint~--" she sneers, making sarcastic air quotes, "--maybe he'll marry her and they'll wind up Nobles too!" Katos pales. "H-How many of those did you sell?" Taiga's smile widens, her sharpened eyeteeth exposed. "More of one than the other." The smile vanishes. "Now what do you want?" Sheriff Hemlock clears his throat. "Oh. Oh no." She raps her head against the doorframe and sighs. "I suppose you'll want to come in, then." Sheriff Hemlock relays the details of a horrific double murder discovered in one of the Scarnetti family's lumber mills from his awkward seat on a wooden crate to an audience perched on various other means of storage. The one chair in the room is occupied by Lusus industriously disemboweling what might have been a squirrel. One of the mill operators, Banny Harker, and the saucy Shayliss Vinder's sister Katerine had been found dead that morning in the mill. Katerine had been reduced to chunks of pulped flesh identifiable only by a few bits of jewelry after being thrown into the log splitter. While her death was tragic, it wasn't why Hemlock approached the Heroes. The second victim, Banny Harker, had been found hanging from machinery hooks on the mill wall, with a seven-pointed star carved into his chest. He'd remembered the Star from reports the Heroes had given him, but that wasn't the only reason he'd sought them out. "It seems the killer knows one of you," he says, and places a crumpled, bloodstained scrap of fine vellum on the table. Taiga snatches it up and unfolds it. <Insert Note Picture Here> "'You will love me," she reads. "Give yourself to the Pack and it shall End'? Fancy-pants calligraphy written in blood too." She flaps the note in the Heroes' faces. "See? This is why you don't stick your dick in everything you meet. Eventually, you end up sticking it in crazy!" Dreok slowly reaches for the note, but she waves it mischievously out of his reach. "Taiga, wait..." "What?" "It's got your name on the back." "What?!"
Book II, Part I: Murder Most Foul: aka "Holy Side Quest Teaser, Batman!" The crime scene at the lumber mill is largely untouched, allowing the Heroes to investigate and conclude that the killer had come up from the river and climbed in through a window after observing the mill from a site slightly upriver for some time. Everything about the site reeks overwhelmingly of rotting meat, far more than it should after only one night of decay on an early winter night. Dreok doubles over, retching, and Taiga goes greenish-pale. For both, it's less from the sight and more from memory of what that stench means--LastWall is riddled with ghouls, after all. Geb was even worse. ~~~ Katerine's over-protective father, Ven Vinder, is an obvious suspect. A brawler with a vicious temper who disapproved of his daughter's trysts with the miller could easily be blamed had Harker been simply roughed up or beaten to death, but ritual killing seems out of character, and he'd never hurt Katerine. Also, y'know. Ghouls. Besides which, Sheriff Hemlock grudgingly admits, Harker wasn't the first Star-marked body found. Three conmen had been found a few days before. Harker's partner, Ibor Thorn, discovered the bodies and is awaiting questioning back at the garrison. He confirms the theory that Katerine was simply visiting her lover at the wrong place and wrong time. Everyone knows her father has a temper. When he continues to fidget nervously, Dreok grins. Sparks of lightning spit from the fingers of one hand as he taps them on the table. He rolls a ball of blue-white fire over the knuckles of the other hand. "Now, tell us what else you're hiding." Thorn quickly, nervously reveals that Harker had been "cooking the books" for years. Thorn himself never took part in the scam, but Harker had undoubtedly stashed quite a bit of money skimming off the top of sales and imports. The noble family that runs the Sandpoint lumber industry, House Scarnetti, is infamous for ruthless business practices, up to and including rumors of blackmail, extortion and sabotage. Who's to say the Matriarch, Doña Celeste Scarnetti wouldn't add murder to the list? Now, the fun part is the Scarnettis are simply a footnote in the text. They're a Red Herring, and have no involvement or impact on the Skinsaw Murders and no fluff text to flesh them out. But the boys want to investigate, and I want to offhandedly give a nod to one of the characters I'll probably never get to play as the Perpetual GM. I start building the family out of whole cloth on the spot, and what follows is two hours of pure unscripted roleplay gold. ~~~ The beautiful manor doors open on the singularly most nondescript half-elf anyone could ever meet. Slender but not scrawny, average height, and utterly androgynous. Short, sleek black hair and eyes in black trousers, a crisp white shirt and black vest. The only spot of color is a bloodred cravat. Though the guards let them approach the Manor without question, the Butler appears to consider the "finery" of the sons of Knights and Barons only slightly above that of the bone-and-feather bedecked swamp witch standing between them. "How may I help you?" "We need to speak to Doña Scarnetti about what happened at the mill yesterday." "I'm afraid my mistress is not taking guests at this time, though I can assure you neither she nor her children had any involvement in the events at the mill, and can provide alibies substantiated by multiple witnesses for any time within the last week. Will there be anything else?" Dreok rolls his shoulders, letting his sword rattle across his back, and smirks. "Lemme tell you how this is gonna go, Bob. Can I call you Bob? Because I'm going to call you Bob, and you're going to bring us inside, get your boss, and we're going to discuss the murders." The Butler half turns and gestures them inside, leading them to a beautifully appointed parlor. Lusus and Wiggles immediately raid the sideboard of dainty finger sandwiches and pastries, while Dreok inspects a gorgeous cut-crystal decanter of brandy. He turns to the Butler and jiggles the bottle. "And bring us some of the good stuff, not the stuff you give to annoying guests." The Butler nods, turns on a heel and exits. ~~~ More than an hour later, Wiggles is emitting tiny contented snores from the remains of an empty dish of quiche, curled up around his own distended belly. Katos is dozing on a silken chaise lounge with an equally fat and happy Lusus perched on his knee. Dreok scowls at the door, halfway through one of several magical dexterity training exercises. "He's not coming back, is he." Taiga makes a noise like a stepped-on cat as her carefully crafted pyramid of priceless knickknacks collapses, and the Butler returns with an incredibly dusty bottle with a peeling label indicating brandy older than Taiga, followed by Doña Scarnetti. Scarnetti is a lovely woman, tall for a human and blade-thin in an elegant wine-red dress with wings of white threaded through her dark hair. The Butler pours drinks, then stands at attention in the shadow beside Scarnetti's chair. "I'm told you refuse to leave without discussing the deaths at the mill. I can assure you, killing our foreman is hardly within our interests as a company or as a family." Dreok cocks a skeptical eyebrow over his glass. "Were you aware that he was embezzling from you, and had been for years?" Scarnetti smiles serenely, crossing her legs. "Certainly! I'd be a poor businesswoman if I wasn't." "And yet despite your habit of routinely sabotaging your competition, you expect us to believe you didn't have Harker killed?" Katos asks from the lounge. The Butler side-eyes the fresh stain left by muddy slush on his boots soaking into the silk. "Hardly. While we certainly had reason, we had determined years ago that Harker's scheme wasn't ambitious enough warrant corrective action." "'Not ambitious enough'? What, he hadn't stolen enough yet?" Katos sneers indignantly, sitting up. "He was stealing from you! How do you determine corrective action, anyway? You have some sort of formula for measuring lives?" "Cost-Benefit analysis and impact on profit margins, mostly," Scarnetti purrs, sipping her drink. "It wasn't worth the investment to have Harker killed, pacify his lover, bribe the mill staff and find a new foreman." "So, what, killing Harker just wasn't your style?" Katos snaps, appalled. "Would that convince you?" She snaps her fingers, and the Butler places two leather-bound books on the table. "My accounts." She stirs the ice in her glass with a long, red enameled nail as the Heroes rifle through them. "The larger is the main accounts for our lumber mills' imports, exports and production. They've been altered, naturally, not that you could tell, to cover the expenses listed in the smaller." The slender black volume holds a list of dates, neatly struck-through names, and in some cases, monetary exchange. "If you do your research around those dates, you'll note that no more than three days after payment is made, the target is eliminated. If I want to be overt, I have the facility burned to the ground. If it's personal or related to a single person of interest, the offending party is Silenced." "Why are you telling us this?" Dreok asks. "We could ruin you with this!" "I do hope that isn't a threat," she chides, an indulgent smile on full, dark-painted lips. "I am telling you because it is sufficient to convince you that I find ritual murder wasteful and unnecessary. I am confident that I will come to no harm in revealing my more unsavory business practices because, 'Lord of Lightning', even with your renown and your far-off family, you are nothing to me. You can't touch me. I own fully half the trade in this town, between the lumber and shipbuilding industries, and a good portion of that in Magnimar itself, and you have no proof. These books can easily be destroyed, altered and hidden. It's my word against yours." Her smile sharpens to a thin blade of ice. "And if need be, even you cannot fight Silence. That will be all, gentlemen." Dreok and Katos both rise, hands on sword hilts. Lighting sizzles between Dreok's fingers. "Is that a threat?" Cloth rustles behind Dreok, and he turns to stare the Butler standing in his shadow. "Oh. Hi, Bob." Flat black shark's eyes gaze up at him. "Leave. Now." Katos snarls. "We're not finished here--!" Taiga grabs them in each by the elbow, hustling them quickly out of the parlor. "Oh yes we are. We have bigger priorities than getting into a class war with the bloody House Scarnetti and their pet assassin. Out out out. Fuck." Dreok takes the brandy with him. Taiga continues chivvying them out down the front walk to their horses. "Shit. I'd heard rumors that Scarnetti had bought the services of Silence but I didn't think she owned it." "That was the Silence? I thought she was in Mireen." Katos kicks his rented horse into a trot beside Dreok on Shadowmist. Dreok snorts. "Name that stupid, I doubt there's two of them using it." "Can you two try, just once, not to get murdered twice a day? We've run out of leads from the mill, we should talk to Hemlock about the other murders." "We should see if Quink knows anything about that Star, too, as often as it keeps popping up, it has to be significant," Dreok muses. Katos nods. "After drinks." "Of course after drinks." And now I have a side quest to write, because our Heroes want to take on The House of Assassins out of pure spite. I'm so proud!
Book II, Part II: The Thing in the Attic: aka "Oh come on, I'm not that much of a dick!" Brendan Quink is delighted that the Heroes have come to him for more information, especially since this time they're asking about his specialization. The Star is called the Sihedron Rune, symbol of the ancient Thassilonian Empire. The seven points represent the Seven Virtues of Thassilonian Rule (Wealth, Virility/Fertility, Honest Pride, Abundance, Ambition, Righteous Anger, and Rest) as well as the Seven Schools of Magic valued by the Thassilonians. Quink chuckles and notes that the Thassilonian RuneLords were renowned for an incredible lack of virtue, and that many scholars agree that the seven modern-day sins stemmed from these so-called Virtues. The use of the Rune would indicate that the murderer knows of Thassilon, is perhaps even a scholar, though Quink is quick to reassure everyone that it's certainly not him. Sheriff Hemlock informs the group that there had been a survivor of sorts from the murder of the three conmen. They'd hired a local tough, Grayst Sevilla, to act as their bodyguard. He's now residing in Habe's Sanatorium, recovering from his injuries and completely out of his mind with fear of what he saw. ~~~ The Saintly Haven of Respite, better known as Habe's Sanatorium, is a sturdy stone building hidden in a dale to the south of Sandpoint with a graded gravel path leading from the main road to the door. A "Ring for Service" sign is tacked below a sturdy hemp pull-cord near the door. Distantly a bell rings, and shortly after, an eye-level slot opens in the door. Shadowed, baggy grey eyes peer out at them. "May I help you?" Dreok peers through the slot. "We need to speak to Grayst Sevilla." "Mr. Sevilla is not capable of accepting visitors at this time. Perhaps after a few more weeks of rehabilitation he might be able to receive family, but until then, I'm afraid I'm in the middle of some frightfully important procedures and--" Katos slaps a beribboned parchment against the eyeslit. "We have a warrant from Sheriff Hemlock that says we can interrupt whatever we want to." "O-oh. Well then. By all means, come in. Ah. Er. One moment--" Multiple deadbolts thunk open, chain locks rattle, and a sturdy, harried-looking man opens the door, gesturing them inside. The Reception area is spotlessly clean and well lit, smelling faintly of incense, though the workrooms beyond have a general air of disuse. "Hell of a place to keep sick folks," Dreok remarks, trailing his fingers through the layer of dust on a workbench. "Oh, no, we don't keep anyone here! This was intended to act as a work room for rehabilitation, but unfortunately none of our current guests are capable, between a pair of senile old farmers, a maniac were and now Mr. Sevilla. The patients' rooms, my office and examination room are all upstairs, this way--" "Uh-huh..." Dreok trails his fingers along the whitewashed wall as they walk. "So, what's downstairs then?" "Oh, er, storage, supplies. Things like that. Nothing terribly interesting, but it takes a lot of bed linens to keep a place like this going, after all!" As they pass the staircase doors, threads of sickly grey-purple light writhe out from the second doorframe to meet sparks at Dreok's fingertips. He grins wolfishly. "Is that so?" Habe squeaks and sprints upstairs, shoving Taiga out of his way into Katos. "Shit!" "Get him!" Lusus takes off after the fleeing doctor, getting a door slammed in his beak for his trouble. He squawks indignantly as Katos and Dreok barrel up the stairs after him, and together they shoulder the door down to meet the orderlies. A pair of teiflings in scrubs idly swing billy-clubs as they saunter towards the broken door amid murmurs and frantic mumbling from locked cells around the room. The taller grins, rolling a toothpick over crooked fangs. "Boss says visiting hours are over." Katos and Dreok draw swords, back to back against the open stairwell, Taiga behind them. Clubs thud into knees and ribs almost in unison, and Katos rolls his sword around the wrist of one, causing him to drop his club with a yelp that is sharply cut off as his free hand smashes into the tiefling's face, pulping his nose and cheekbone. Dreok lunges inside the other orderly's reach, knocking his club away and burying his sword to the hilt in his gut. Dreok stalks past Katos and hauls the bleeding, blubbering orderly to his feet. "Now here's how this is gonna go, champ. You're going to head upstairs and you're gonna talk your boss back down. Tell him you got us, or ran us off, whatever. Just get him down here. Got it?" The orderly nods dizzily. "Y-yeah, sure, whatever you say, boss." He wipes his broken nose with the back of his wrist, smearing blood. He staggers up the next level of stairs, clinging heavily to railing. "H-hey boss? Boss, it's Gurnak, we... Uh... We goohhh shit fuck fuck shit! It's out, fuck, it--" he backpedals down the stairs, crashing into Dreok, who shoves him back up and into the room, still cursing. "No, no, shit shit you don't get it no, no fuck, it's out he let it out!" he whimpers, backing up into a corner. "It? Wha--?" Katos and Taiga follow Dreok into the third floor as the tiefling shakily points to a smallish furry something across the room near an opened cell. "What, that guy?" The something sits up, turning, revealing the mangy, pointed face of a small wererat. It snuffles at the air, hopping vaguely towards Dreok. "Yes that guy, fuck, oh fuck you don't understand, you have swords!" "Shiny?" the wererat chirps. It cocks its head, staring at Dreok--or rather, at the swordhilt protruding over his shoulder. "Shiny. Sharp shiny. Want." "Uh-oh." Katos steps back, pushing Taiga behind him. "Want SHINY! Shiny mine shiny sharp shiny mine mine mine!" it shrieks, bounding across the room on all fours to Dreok, fixated on his sword. Dreok dodges backward but the little vermin scrambles up his legs, toe-claws hooked into his belt as it scrabbles wildly over his shoulders, reaching for the sword, shrilling demands the entire way. Katos raises his sword the second the wererat charges, but Dreok waves him off, seizing the wriggling wererat by the scruff and holding it at arms' length. "Eyes on me, scruffy." The wererat kicks frantically and claws the air near Dreok's shoulder, whining. Dreok snaps his fingers in the wererat's face, a sharp crack of miniature lightning capturing its attention for a brief second. The flicker of eye contact is enough for him to seize its tiny scrambled mind. "Sleep." The wererat abruptly falls limp, snoring wheezily. Dreok hoists the little monster under his arm, carries it back to its cell and plops it onto its ratty little cot. He pulls the door shut and wedges an orderly's chair under the handle. He turns to find both Katos and Taiga staring incredulously at him. "What?" "You're not going to...?" Taiga makes a stabbing gesture. "No! He's crazy, it's not his fault." "Seriously?" "I'm not that much of a dick!" Taiga shrugs philosophically and moves toward the remaining cell door. "I am not opening that," Katos announces, sheathing his sword. "Shhhhhhht! Listen!" She presses her ear to the door, letting Grayst's mad, raspy muttering filter through. "... coming coming he's coming... skin saws and razors and teeth teeth teeth too many teeth..." Katos leans in and shoves the feeding slot at the bottom of the door open with his foot. The trio exchange awkward looks, pointedly avoiding looking at the opening. Dreok nods expectantly at Taiga. "Well? You're the one with all the mental hoodoo. Mine's all pyrotechnics." She squints skeptically at him. "We just watched you--" "Nope." "But you--" "Nope." Taiga rolls her eyes but kneels down regardless, her long white braid puddling on the ground. She stifles a scream as Grayst drops to the floor and pushes his face into the opening, his eyes wide and glassy in his pale, sweat-greasy face. "It's you," he pants excitedly, wriggling forward, smashing his face into the crevice. "It's you! He said, he said he said you'd come visit me, his Lordship said, he did, he said he had a place for you just for you a precious place yes yes for you I'm so jealous and and a message. A message for you he made me remember made me not forget. He said if you came, if you came and you did you did--" he giggles, wheezing, fingers scrabbling at the door slot as if to open it wider. "--you came and if you come to, to his Misgivings, if you came and you joined his Pack he would end his harvest in your honor. In your honor," he snarls abruptly, and one thin, wasted hand thrusts through the opening, seizing Taiga's braid and dragging her headfirst against the door. "He would honor you but he left me like this it's not fair!" She screams, attempting to pull away, and Katos' sword snaps out, severing Grayst's hand at the wrist and digging deeply into the door. Freed, Taiga scrambles backwards, kicking the feeding slot closed, clawing at her scalp. "Oh fuck, fuck, did he scratch me? Did he scratch me?!" Dreok untangles her fingers from her hair as Katos pulls her to her feet. "Easy, easy, it's not your blood, you're fine..." She presses back against the far wall, shivering, as Grayst's severed hand twitches, inching toward her. "I think we found the ghoul. Or at least a ghoul." "So, then, where's the necromancer?" Dreok asks, as they all turn toward the one door that resembles an office more than a cell. Katos grins and rams a shoulder into the office door. It splinters open under the second blow, and they discover a whimpering, shivering Erin Habe hiding under his desk. Katos hauls him out, flinging him across the desk. Papers, knickknacks and surgical tools scatter around the room as Taiga and Dreok inspect the treasure trove of medical texts and tools. "Please, you don't understand, I had nothing to do with the ghouls! Th-that was all Caizarlu!" "Who?" "M-my financier! His work room is downstairs, that was the deal! He funds the Sanatarium, and I supply a private workroom below. I never go down there, I can't, I'm not involved in his works!" "Really? Because these are exquisite," Taiga purrs from her perch on the physician's toolbench, twirling a silver-inlaid scalpel between her fingers. "They're well loved. And well used." "Th-that's different! It's for the patients, my research! I'm trying to help, to figure out their heads, what's broken--it's fascinating, I--" he chokes off with a whimper as Taiga tucks the scalpel behind her ear, exchanging it for an equally ornate set of hooked clamps. "What, cutting people open and digging around in their brains? Sounds entirely wholesome," Katos sneers. Taiga grins, kicking her heels. "Could be fun though. Taste of his own medicine?" "You're hilarious," Dreok deadpans, and she smiles guillessly. "How do we get downstairs? Is Caizarlu down there?" "Probably! He spends most of his time down there, I rarely even see him! Please, don't hurt me, that's all I know, I didn't have anyth--" "Oh, shut up," Dreok snaps, seizing the lapels of his coat. "Come on." He drags the doctor to his feet and out of the room. "No, please! I can't go down there, he'll kill me!" Dreok yanks the keyring off Habe's belt, unlocking the empty cell near Grayst and shoving the good doctor inside. "Fine, you can stay here until Sheriff Hemlock gets here to question you. Eventually." Katos grins. "Let's go kill a necromancer." ~~~ The downstairs door continues to ooze greyish purple light, seeking the magic users. Taiga shys away from the tendrils. "It likes me too much." "What, the door?" Katos asks. She shakes her head. "Necromancy." "Ooookay then," Dreok drawls, already sketching crackling blue-white sigils in the air over the door. "Threatening torture is fine, but a spooky door? Oh no!" "Forgive me for not wanting to play around with a door painted in ghoul fever. I've had enough of ghouls already," Taiga sneers, unconsciously smoothing her braid. "Aww, but what about your Secret Admirer?" Dreok teases, flicking the spiraling sigils away so they settle and burn deeply into the door. The grey-purple light sizzles grudgingly away and Taiga shudders. "Don't even suggest that." "What, no necro-nookie?" Katos snickers, following Dreok down the stairs. "Eeeeeeuuuuugh." "Oh come on, that was clever!" "And that wasn't me..." Taiga murmurs. Dreok's hands fill with bright blue-white flames edged in gold, revealing a dank cavern completely full of zombies, and behind them, the flickering, spellshielded form of the mysterious Caizarlu. The Magus smirks and five of the six tightly-packed zombies explode into a wall of blue-gold fire before crumbling to ash. Katos slashes the last open, charging for the Necromancer, taking several sickly, dull-glowing bolts of magic to the chest as his sword slices through Caizarlu's glitching, flickering torso. The images shatter like broken glass again and again as Katos and Dreok back the frantic necromancer into a corner with crackling, keen-edged blows. Caizarlu flails out wildly with one hand, palm glowing with a sucking, black-purple void that Dreok casually swats out of the way before plunging his lightning-streaked sword through the Necromancer's chest. Taiga is already rummaging through Caizarlu's's books by the time he hits the ground, finding an astonishing amount of-- "--jack shit. There's nothing. No Rune, no demonology, no sacrificial spellwork. The guy was a ghoul nut though. Look at this: maps of local 'ghoul activity,' studies on transmission of ghoul fever, ghoul lineage and pedigrees? It's a bust." Katos takes the wrinkled, tea-stained map. "Local ghoul activity, huh? Where?" "Mostly in these farmlands to the south, towards Magnimar," she says, circling few clusters of "activity" pinpoints with one finger. "Looks like they're centered around the old Foxglove mansion." "Foxglove? As in that idiot, Aldern Foxglove?" Dreok scoffs, rifling through Caizarlu's pockets. "Pfft. Right. The place has been abandoned since before I got to town, anyway. Locals say it's completely haunted, they call it..." She trails off, papers falling from her slack hands. "Oh, hells." Dreok stands. "What is it?" Taiga looks like she's about to be sick. "They call it 'The Misgivings'."
