Weight, health, food, and bodies [TW]

M, from outside his closet: "You had a panic attack, about having a panic attack."

Me, from inside M's closet, with his comforter over my head because apparently anxiety turns me into a fucking canary: *keening noises*

M: "Alright then."

(Additional Anxiety Feedback Loop highfives)

 

Oh gods yeah, anxiety feedback loops are the worst. -joins highfives-

As for blood pressure - if you're on any meds, it may be just a routine check to make sure they aren't fucking you over? (The one I immediately thought of was the pill, because I remember you've mentioned pcos stuff, but there are plenty of others that can fuck with your blood pressure.)

Plus, if you haven't had it checked in a while, it may well just be 'this gets checked every year or two, hi'.

 

Not on any meds; when I first went to the GP about periods back in March he insisted on taking my blood pressure before anything else (i.e. before he even asked why I was there). So I guess it's a follow-up on that.

When I asked why he needed to take my BP he said it was now routine for all students, but...that honestly seems like the kind of thing he could've just been lying about, and instead he did it because I'm fat. In any case, I was pissed then that he told me that I needed my BP checked without telling me why, and I'm pissed now that I'm being told to go back again without being told why.

 

Like...doctors, amirite.

 

Routine for all students doesn't sound like a bad idea, actually, given that stress levels among students are usually ridiculously high. But I definitely understand your mistrust.

 

i get my blood pressure taken regularly and at least every time I go in for blood tests (which with me comes up to at least once or twice every two months), sometimes even with regular symptoms talk i get a bp test, just for a full picture.
Blood pressure tests are extremely likely to just be done because it's a thing to be done on doctor's visits. Might just be because my bp has only started approaching normal people values (from the 'too low' side of things) since a year or two ago. I used to be a zombie but now I'm better!

 

That's reassuring, thanks both. If it's routine, it makes sense that the GP'd schedule a follow-up. He couldn't get a reliable reading at the time because I was anxious and annoyed and neither of the cuffs fit. So.

This doctor made a bad first impression on me because he didn't listen, but the second time I saw him I was more assertive and he talked over me less. Poor bastard has a nine-minute appointment limit, so I guess he thought "explain to patient why do thing" was unnecessary.

 

In the US, at least, you pretty much can't see a doctor without someone taking your blood pressure. Very routine. I don't remember that being the case in the UK but I wouldn't be surprised if they're starting to do that more.

 

Yup. Blood pressie checks are very routine :) Remember though that you're always allowed to ask your numbers! It's a handy thing to know your general blood pressure levels.
Mine are generally between 110 and 120 over 70 to 80, iow completely normal :)

Also remember that seeing a doctor can make your blood pressure go up just because you're seeing a doctor (white coat phenomenon).
Also, a high blood pressure (anything over 140/90) at one point in time doesn't mean anything. You need to have elevated blood pressure at at least three measurings with a decent time interval in between. (excepting really really high blood pressure, but you're not likely to have that).

Hope this helps :-)

 

So because I feel like I've whined about it enough on tumblr but I still need to complain, I'm just gonna... put this here.

Basically: I'm fat (242 lbs at 5'8"ish), I'm trans, and even though my blood test numbers are pretty okay, I've been told over and over that the doctors that handle the prescribing side of gender transition 'don't like' for FtM patients to be 'too' overweight. Which terrifies me, because my dysphoria is making me suffer a lot and it's only getting worse.

Spoiler: bluh bluh bad experience with a dietitian

ANYway, I tried to be proactive and see a dietitian to help me sort my food issues (not eating often enough, not feeling 'allowed' to eat, having a history of disordered eating, and getting very triggered by not having enough to eat both because disordered eating history and history of being very poor) out and make it clear I am Doing Something. Problem: I got referred to one whose method of handling patients is to tell them to go on a severely restricted diet and lecture them on portion control. When I tried to tell her I hadn't been eating enough she sniffed and said if that were true, I'd be losing weight.

Going only by the scale, I haven't been, but going by how I've dropped almost two trouser sizes since I got a cane and started walking regularly, obviously something is happening! But all she saw was a fat ass and a number that hasn't budged over the course of seven months, so she gave me a 1200 calorie a day diet, a target weight that I know from experience would leave me emaciated, and an insulting pamphlet about measuring and weighing and calculating every last thing that goes in your mouth.

... Which is exactly what I did back when I considering pushing dieting into an actual eating disorder to make it 'easier' to stick to. There should have been something like that in the notes my therapist sent over, but either she didn't write that down, or the dietitian just didn't pay attention to/believe them.

Anyway, after a lot of fretting and guilt my spite kicked in in full force and I went FUCK THAT AND FUCK HOW I'VE BEEN TAKING CARE OF MYSELF, I DESERVE BETTER THAN ANY OF THAT NOISE. It's given me a renewed sense that I deserve to be taken care of properly, I deserve to eat good food I enjoy, and I deserve not to go hungry. So I planned out an eating schedule that will make sure I eat enough, and eat frequently so I don't have to feel pinched and desperate, and I've actually felt like trying new things and new cooking methods for the first time in forever. I finally figured out how to use the oven's broiler tonight, even!

ngl, I'm kind of terrified this will get me labeled as a 'difficult' patient and make getting treatment for physical transition much harder for me. I'm pretty sure my mental health is going to suffer a lot if I have to delay it for a year or more. But at the same time, it's not worth making myself the kind of crazy that severe calorie restriction makes me, even for something so important. I'm pretty sure that if I pushed myself to do that, I would develop an eating disorder (like a fair amount of people in my family have), and I'm be hungry, angry, and totally obsessed with food all the time - and probably in worse shape than I will be if I have to delay medical transition.

And... a lot of my weight gain was sustained after a severe sprain that left the ankle of my bad leg permanently screwed up, and my pre-existing leg problems only got worse over time. If I can increase my level of fitness to what it was pre-sprain (which is pretty doable, I wasn't exactly an athlete) and maintain it, I suspect a lot of the problem will end up taking care of itself, with no need to drive myself insane over it.

 

Just sending a reminder to myself & anyone else that needs it that it's okay to eat food even if [INSERT USELESS CATASTROPHISING ANXIETY HERE]*

*currently: you're hungry even though you just ate two hours ago, you ate a lot of pasta last night just 'cause, you're feeling slightly self-conscious about your new haircut, you haven't been to the gym as many times as usual this week because family emergency, BLAH BLAH BLAH it is too late, brain, the toast is being digested.

 

Hi, mind if I cut in? I am fat and it's aggravated by the fact that I'm unfit and I have serious issues with food. Asperger pickiness resulted in me basically shoving the few foods I did like in my face when they were there because the mandatory school lunches were unbearable (UK private school). I got yelled at until I cried on multiple occasions for not eating foods which made me retch, which made me eat more of the stuff I did like as a comfort. Back when I had a job and could afford it I'd often stuff down a whole box of chocolates in a day. I don't binge so much now but I can't kick the junk food.

 

I love it when my family tries to 'help' with my weight problem by calling me up to remind me that im fat and my husband is going to leave me for another prettier woman if i don't change that pdq. Like. No. Because my husband actually cares about me as more than a nice trophy, that is not how that works grandma. :/

 

"If you keep being an asshole your grandchildren are going to abandon you, grandma."

(Ok don't actually say that.)

 

@ChelG My sister is trying to kick her junk food habit and she's finding that "veggie stix" satisfy the craving while being less junky than her usual, at least. They've got a potato crisp texture that she really likes and they basically taste the same, so if crisps are an ok food for you you might want to try these?

 

@budgie not going to be easy to find in the UK :/

 

@EulersBidentity Oh, boo. I'm never sure just what's global and what's more North American.

 

Actually veggie crisps are a thing here, but those aren't really my main problem - it's chocolate I'm hooked on. Thanks for the advice anyway :) I eat decently healthy meals most of the time, I just eat too much sugar between them.

 

Spoiler: Weight loss & self-esteem chat

*is the thinnest I've ever been in my life*
Okay but I feel like a giant woman (a giant woman).

I'm uncomfortable in my clothes. Can't figure out what I want to wear and what suits me. Think my natural soft butch is clashing with my desire to be stylish and my background cultural self-esteem issues and the sensation that my body is changing. Argh. Maybe I'm just kind of sad right now.

 

sympathy noises if you want them - I don't have much helpful to say except that that feel is known and it sucks, but many sympathies (and general reminder that weight=/= worth or anything, if it's helpful to have someone else say it)