Yesterday, I told a lot of people to die over the minor thing of being afraid of spiders. People I said hateful things to include but are not limited to @Wiwaxia @littlemissCodeless ad @Silvereye . This was a horrible thing of me to do. I would like to say I will never do it again, but that might not be true because my whole life I have gotten furious over random crap like this and I still haven't figured out how to stop it. That doesn't make it right, of course. I will try my hardest not to do it again, though. @seebs @Wiwaxia @littlemissCodeless @Silvereye if you want me to leave the forum or do something else for restitution purposes, I understand.
I can't speak for the others, of course, but I personally really appreciate this apology and am fine leaving it at that. I'm also really glad that you came back with this straightforward, honestly very mature apology rather than swinging the other way into beating yourself up and posting about how you are evil and should die. This is a lot more helpful and pleasant to deal with from the receiving end, and I imagine it's probably better for your mental health too.
I'm honestly proud of you, @BPD anon, for the same reasons @Wiwaxia mentioned. It's hard to just give a mature, straightforward apology without going too far in the direction of self-loathing, at least in my experience. I wasn't there for the incident, but I for one would be sad if you left, and I think your apology says more about you than your outburst.
I am in favor of you sticking around, personally. It was pretty obvious that you were getting emotionally overloaded there, and it seems to me that you took off when you noticed it, and coming back and apologizing was a pretty good way to address it. Thanks. Basically, I think everyone sort of understands that you have BPD and that sometimes BPD sorta fucks with your ability to keep from acting out. We'll deal. You'll get better faster if you have some people willing to write off the symptomatic crap as symptoms acting out instead of treating them like representations of your worth as a person, so hanging out here should be good for you, and a good chance for people to practice distinguishing between actions and intent.
I don't think I was among those who got any untoward messages, but I was in the thread, so I hope it's OK for me to chime in and say I hope you stick around. I even toyed with PMing you to say something to that effect but realized I really didn't know you well enough to know if that was a good idea to do right away or whatever... Seebs jumped in and did the right thing in a timely fashion, which makes me feel pretty secure. As for not promising to never do it again, I think you're being very sensible, and admitting you might unwillingly do it again makes your apology feel all the more genuine. I myself know that feeling of doing something regrettable that I wish I could promise I will never do again but know I probably will. We simply have to hope that our friends, and those we need to get through life, will hold onto us as persons of worth. Somehow, they generally do.
I think I freak out that way more when I'm not sure whether I am in the wrong or not. Like, I got kicked out of my old dorm for freaking out at myself and yelling "you're evil and stupid" and stuff to myself and part of it was that I didn't know whether I had actually wrecked my dormmate's pots or if I had used my own pots all along. My biggest, weeks-long freakout about how evil I was came from a time when I didn't know if my friends were right to suspect me for something or if I was right to be upset that they suspected me.
