I'm in a very new relationship, and the guy is absolutely head over heels in love with me. I like and am attracted to him, but the earth doesn't exactly move when I stare into his eyes (except that one time). My problem is that he's always complimenting me in kind of a lovesick way. It's always 'you're perfect' and 'i'm so lucky to have you', and that's ok for awhile, but he does it so much..I can't even be self deprecating with him going 'no you're amazing' when I actually feel kind of shitty. All of this just makes me...anxious, uncomfortable and tired? I usually compliment him back but my internal reaction is more like 'that sure is a thing you feel about me, it must be nice for you?' All the stuff he says and the way he behaves are objectively romantic, but I'd rather be complimented on my achievements, or at least things I've done deliberately? Rather then what boils down to 'the dopamine rush I get from being around you sure is great'. I don't even know if that characterization is correct, I've had guys get like this around me, but I've never really dated on before. I should mention that I have moderate depression and major self-esteem issues. I'm coming off of a year and a half of just absolute emotional hell courtesy of my own brain, and because I lost someone who was keeping me afloat (our 20 year friendship ended spectacularly). So I don't really trust my own reactions of 'I don't like this thing'. I don't want to tell him to stop complimenting me because I think I'd hate that just as much? I've been in relationships that were so focused on the other person that I felt like a piece of furniture for them to talk to...which is a different kind of hell. I want us to be really comfortable together and to get each other, but I think my brain is getting panicky over the fact that he regards me much more highly then I regard myself? I love that he's so in love with me, but it's really stressful. Like he's in love with a pretend version of me that I have to somehow live up to? Argh, has anyone experienced this? Or gotten through it?? Is there anyway to talk my sorry self esteem around so I actually enjoy it when he compliments me like a sane(er) person? I could use any advice at all.
I don't think your reaction here is abnormal, particularly when it comes to preferring acknowledgement of accomplishments or what-have-you. Having someone kind of shoot down any negative thing you say about yourself with basically empty platitudes sounds especially uncomfortable, to me. I'd let him know that that type of compliment makes you uncomfortable. I'd also let him know that you prefer being noticed for the things you do rather than just for existing, but I can understand if that feels too much like fishing for specific compliments, or something.
Wait, one sentence can't be the solution to six whole paragraphs of problem! (j/k, that was beautiful thanks) @oph Yeah, that sounds about right. I hadn't really thought about it like that so thanks! Thinking back, I did kind of feel like I wasn't allowed to say anything self deprecating because he's just contradict me, I'm just not used to navigating these strange and unknown waters. What even are feelings Still not to sure what to say to him, or if I should try to explain to him online what I felt? I'm afraid that I'm going send him a big dramatic text dump about feeling dehumanized or something... I wish I could do something suave and clever to get us on the same page, but I know that road just leads to passive-aggressive bullshit.
The best way to explain it to him really depends on who he is, unfortunately, so no one here is going to be able to give you the Magic Answer (patent pending). I endorse @Lissa Lysik'an's method, though. Acknowledge that he's trying to make you feel good and that he's not intending to make you uncomfortable, explain in brief that it makes you uncomfortable regardless, and follow up with some affection so he knows you're not upset with him, just trying to communicate your needs in the relationship. Mostly, keeping things short will avoid dumping Too Much on him at once, and you can always expand in conversation if need be.
@oph That would have been really sensible if I just hadn't sent him a big facebook message... He seems ok when I've TMIed at him in the past. Augh, it's late, I'm tired and I couldn't let those ideas go, at least I just stuck to the two main points instead of everything else swirling around in my head. Shit ok well, hope I didn't just ruin everything forever thanks for you help though!
