Is this what they call a "crisis"?

Okay I'm going to apologize in advance this is probably going to read like a huge mess but I'm literally falling apart here this is kind of stream of consciousness I guess partly????????? ID ONT KNOW

I'm pretty sure I've been having the same mental breakdown for a good two, three days now, and I think this is my absolute lowest point ever and I have absolutely no idea how to deal and feel so fucking trapped. My chest feels tight and it's hard to breathe and I know it's not just my binder because I have been like that for the last few days regardless of whether I'm wearing it or not.

I have two midterms today--well, I already had one that I absolutely bombed and I nearly started crying during. I'm still on the verge of tears now. I have another one in about an hour that I'm also probably going to fail because I wasn't able to study last night because I had a huge meltdown.

I can barely focus, I can barely function. Thinking about doing things stresses me out, doing things stresses me out and I'm so slow. I can't think straight, all I can think about is how I have so many things to do and can't get any of them done. I'm so scared someone is going to see my screen as I'm typing this right now and that's a completely irrational fear (altho I am in public and people keep walking behind me). I want help I need help but actually what I really want to do is run away or for everything to just stop....

When I had a meltdown last night I wondered if it was just because I wanted to make my girlfriend keep me company--I'm talkign to her right now I feel like I'm being manipulative I'm not being manipulative right??????? I'm falling apart I can't think straight I just want everything to stop for a few minutes to let me catch up!! I can't catch up!!!!!

I have so many responsibilities but I can't even take care of myself I took a shower for the first time in like three days yesterday!!! I can't even do that how am I supposed to do photography and go to class and pass my classes I couldn't even study last night because i was crying!! about!!!!! ntohing1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm worried if I get hlep for my mental stuff my doctor is gonna get mad at me becaus I didn't tell him I was a ticking timebomb but I always was.......................................... I knew I was but I dnd't want to be

 

I'm sorry it gets less coherent as I went but I'm back and forth between being able to focus and type right and just being a fucking mess and I just,,,d ont know what to do and I'm trying to type coherently but I don't know if its' even worth trying

 

CAN'T OPEN THE LECTURE NOTES TO STUDY FOR MIDTERM WITHOUT WORD INSTALLED!!!!!! HAHA I DIDN'T WANT TO PASS ANY CLASSES

 

Whooof, shit man. *offers hugs*

Some small reassurances that might help: being in distress and failing to hide it is not manipulative. Wanting comfort for that is also not manipulative. Yes, there are situations where distress can be used to manipulate people into comforting and supporting you, but it doesn't sound like that is at all what is happening here. I think you can afford to let that worry go. If you're really concerned, maybe say something to your gf along the lines of "i am really not doing well right now, but it would mean a lot for my peace of mind if i could be sure you were taking care of yourself, so please do that and step out if it gets to be too much for you" and then trust her to do that.

Your doctor should not and likely will not get mad at you. In the very unlikely event that they do, that is not an indication that you fucked up in any way, that is an indication that they are a sympathy-less and anti-helpful bag of dicks, and you should dump their ass for a better doctor ASAP. Seriously, who worth listening to gets mad at someone who clearly needs help and thus does not provide said help, for not asking for help sooner. Like ????

If possible, approach your professors before or after your midterms saying that you are having a major health crisis and asking if there's any accommodations they can make. You don't have to specify that it's mental health if you aren't comfortable doing so or if you think they might react badly. If they press you on the specifics, you are within your rights to say that it's private and decline to elaborate.

Lastly, if you can, try to remember that school is not the end of the world. Bombing tests and failing classes sucks ass, yes, but in 10 or 20 years time it won't matter a damn bit. No matter how badly you fuck up, there are always other routes to a happy and fulfilling life and often other routes to getting back through and completing school. I mean, look at all the awesome adults on this forum who didn't finish college. Of course, not worrying is much easier said than done, but it's worth a try.

Good luck.

 

ahh thank you so much for all of that thank you even though I'm seeing it so late it helps a lot just to hear some of this stuff

I ended up going in and seeing if I could get counselling immediately because crisis and was able to and that went ok, I'm more stable now and I'm set up for a desperately needed psych eval (sadly not till april orz) and a second session after spring break

I've talked to my gf and im really bad at trusting people but I'm trying really hard to trust her about it thank you for the reassurance tho I'm always worried im a manipulative shitbag tbh especially since I realized just how much my mom calling me manipulative a lot as a kid fucked me up

my doctor is a literal trash heap but what's done is done and hopefully he won't be a shit to me just because I've been kind of... downplaying my mental health issues for some time now lmao lies down due to shitty trans healthcare where I live finding another will be hard but it's not impossible probably

I have the # for the dean of students and the counselor says they can talk to them and maybe I can get some leeway in my classes if shit gets really bad. those midterms are done but im gonna try to find the courage to at least discuss my issues with the professors

thanks i'm usually better about this but I'm so close to graduating I just want OUT orz I know even if I fuck up awful or even drop out it's not the end of the world but at the same time I'm just like "MAN IM SO CLOSE" at this point that it's??? god I just want it to be done with so I can move on with my life :( I'll try to worry less though today was just a real bad day

thank you again

 

additionally mentioned in counselling that yes I'm open to medication and that's part of why I was there, also mentioned my mom has bipolar

he kind of took that and ran with it and didn't seem like he'd hear my other concerns about "Hey can we check for [long list of possible mental problems] too" but I guess it's nice to have validation that there's something to my brainweird stuff even though I'm not sure if I'd peg it as straight-up bipolar

but whatever makes me feel like "Hey! maybe I'm not just faking because I'm a shit human being!" so that's very nice

 

several hours later, getting hit with "shit am I faking this???? should I have done this????" but I need to tell myself that I'm not faking it I literally couldn't function earlier...

 

update: second counseling appt was yesterday

not much really to report but counselor called me "resilient" but I don't think that's very helpful. he called me resilient because I have a high threshold for dealing with anxiety but looking back on my life I'm pretty sure I've had severe anxiety since forever??? This is my normal and Not Functioning just isn't an option.

he gave me the usual advice for dealing with anxiety and lack of motivation which while nice almost never works for me (spotty at best)

also told me the psych eval can't diagnose adhd so I have to get on ANOTHER waiting list for that. im almost willing to pay out the ass for a diagnosis but if they can diagnose/treat my anxiety that should make my adhd symptoms more manageable so I can wait at least until then maybe

I wish the counseling didn't focus so much on not being able to get schoolwork done. I mean I guess I implied that was an issue but it's also my inability to do OTHER things that affects the schoolwork even if the schoolwork almost always gets done in the end. (Again, because Not Functioning isn't an option.) But if I could tackle my outside-of-school issues, the school ones would be easier to deal with. (also 90% of my issue is social anxiety that no amount of trying to think my way out of is helping, that's the only reason I'm sEEING HIM)

I do realize that he'll probably figure this stuff out but it's frustrating to have had to dedicate an entire session to being told things I've either been told before and Didnt' Work, or I figured out (and they Didn't Work)

 

Ahh, okay. I guess I'm just very impatient and nervous because there are only So Many Sessions for free, and I just want to feel better. I know it's not going to happen immediately, but it's so hard to just sit back and let things happen at the pace they do. ;_;

 

Venting a minor frustration: I feel like talking about my anxiety and working towards hopefully getting on meds for it is causing me to have more trouble than usual managing it, on account of now being acutely aware of the fact that I definitely live with above-average anxiety and see it as "normal".

But I'm worried that because I consider rarely being able to order food for myself (esp at new places) and not being able to make phone calls without a panic attack (and having my gf do it for me usually) to be my "normal" and "doing good"--as long as I'm not literally breaking down.

I've been meeting the bare minimum requirements for functioning with severe anxiety for so long, I'm worried I'm not going to be able to adequately communicate why I can't keep doing that.

So haha I'm super anxious about whether or not the psychiatrist will think I'm anxious enough amazing

 

@smallgayghoul solidarity, ive spent my whole life in a baseline anxious state and definitely felt like it was normal until i witnessed a close family member have an anxious breakdown and i realized "wait......this is not how people normally feel all the time"

when i started seeking treatment it got worse, probably for the same reasons yours did

if it makes you feel any better, psychs deal with that kind of thing a lot, afaik its not abnormal - just be honest and try not to sugarcoat things as "welllll im able to FUNCTION so it cant be that bad" (im trying to break out of the same habit myself :"D) because you shouldnt just be *functioning*, *thriving* is the ideal situation - at least, thats what ive been telling myself :"""D

ANYWAYS yeahhh i get u mang

 

in a really bad place rn
friend just implyed i was lazy for skippign class because anxiety and ddi the whole "IF YOU'REW ORRIED JUST TALK TO YOUR PROFESSOR" thing and im?????????????????????????????????????

shouldn't have skipped that class anyway but I was really scared because I didn't want to talk to people and I don't know I should have just gone to class even my counselor is going to start thinking I'm just lazy for missing all these classes I didnn't even tell him that I skipped one of my other class midterms it was too embarrassing why am I so bad at existing

 

im scared m not gonna be able to get my shit together before my next class that I can't afford to miss orz

 

Next counselor appt is in about an hour. gf isn't here with me to go with me but that's ok because now i know the Protocol for talking to reception. Still nervous, but not having a constant panic attack like yesterday.

Have printed out excerpts of a chat log from yesterday when I was super anxious, and a list of Things I want to Fix that relate to anxiety and/or possible adhd

Hope everything goes ok. Slightly worried.

 

Best of luck!

 

Update: Talked using list/chat log as basis, finally he asked if he could have the papers I printed out. I handed them over because there was way too much to go over in one session anyway. He pointed out that my thought process is really clear from the chat logs and gave some advice for avoiding falling into the cycle. Might help, will have to be good about catching anxiety before it explodes though which I Am Bad At.

Talked about my nervousness about psych eval. He said I shouldn't worry, if it's impeding my function as much as I've indicated to him, the psychiatrist should be willing to prescribe medication. I still feel like "oh no what if my anxiety isn't Bad Enough" but that made me feel a little better.

I brought up the gender thing as an example of a thing I get anxious about but am slowly overcoming but I think he took it to mean I was Currently Anxious so we wasted some time talking about that, but whatever. (I would have never overcome it if it weren't for how safe I was in Japan as a foreigner who has a relatively masculine facial structure and presents in an acceptably masculine way for Japan but whatev)

Surprising but positive thing: counselor said that it seems like I have "high intelligence" but at the same time I'm like "lol that doesn't make sense because I'm incredibly dumb"

Unrelated thing: I'm glad there's no one else with a beard and similar body structure to him that works in that office because today he didn't call out my name and I can't recognize his face oops

Overall assessment: I will probably Die (not literally ofc, I realize I should probably clarify that) between now and next appt/psych eval (both in about a week, appt first psych eval next day) BUT hopefully at least one of my issues will finally be Officially Diagnosed and Medicated

 

So because I am a Good Patient (or at least, I'm trying to be), I decided to try to face one of my anxieties as suggested by the counselor. (Also, yeah, I know that this is an effective method for dealing with anxiety, and has worked for me for a lot of stuff!)

I have a class where I am hella nervous to bring up anything relating to Japanese when we are discussing language stuff, and so I usually don't, because 1) my brain goes "who cares if she says you can use examples from any language, and everyone else in the class does it? Your example isn't relatable or interesting to anyone!", 2) I have trouble speaking up because regardless of relevance, I usually feel like my input is Not Wanted (this applies to non-class situations too), and 3) there's someone else in the class who also studied abroad in Japan--I'm worried they may try to "correct" me if I heck up (or incorrectly "correct" me, which will make me doubt whether or not I actually know things I should know I know and make me Anxious).

I know avoidance probably isn't helping me most of the time, BUT I decided "hell, let's try this facing anxiety thing again".

I start out not anxious, but when speaking, I start shaking and my voice is hella shakey and I feel like every second is super long. I'm having a panic attack but I make it through my contribution! It probably came out sounding hella confusing and convoluted as I subconsciously tried to take up as little time as possible. I get even more anxious realizing "oh yeah I Have to define all this Japanese".

I proceed to keep shaking for a good 5 minutes after, and have a dull chest pain for most of the rest of the class.

I'm still not back to the level of anxiety I started with before I spoke up in class (which was, surprisingly, almost None, for the first time in awhile).

I talked to my gf while I was having the attack and saved the chat log for giving to the counselor. I really hope this is enough to prove I need meds because it's really humiliating. :(

 

I swear I didn't forget about this site it just seems like I can only focus on being on one site at a time or something I don't even know.

I'm really uneasy, and not just because my next counselor appointment is today. Tomorrow is the psych eval, where I'll find out if the school thinks I'm Fucked Up Enough to need meds, and where I'll either get added to a several-month waiting list to get evaluated for ADHD or the psychiatrist will decide that I don't have it and that's that.

I'm uneasy because I've gone through one of those shifts in focus and motivation like I'm wont to do. Last night I could suddenly draw again and I suddenly felt like "yeah!! I can do things!!" which is pretty much universally actually a bad sign because it means I'm going to do something STUPID. (Is this mania? Serious question.) And today I suddenly feel optimistic about the possibility of doing art/being a 2D artist again--something I hadn't given up per se--but I haven't been able to focus long enough to do 2D art in months and I feel like I want to "start over" everywhere but Pixiv. It's illogical and stupid since I'll probably post one entire art and then disappear again. And that's got me feeling... really anxious.

In any case, it seems like at least my insomnia has gone away for now, which is something. (I don't think I mentioned it but it's not really important because I get insomnia for weeks at a time pretty often.)

Gonna compile the stuff I intended to show the counselor and hope for the best today.