Requesting Funny Pet Stories

Stayed over at M's place. Forgot her beloved cats can open doors. Woke up to cat butt in the face. Took a shower and the cats nibbled every inch of wet flesh they think they can get away with, and I had to bar my door, okay. Not cool.

There were two pairs of paws just sweeping/grasping in the gap between the floor and bottom of door. It was like that scene in Signs with water-allergic aliens trapped in a pantry and scrabbling at that slice of space. *shudders*

 

My roommate's cats do that semi-regularly when they get bored and my light is on.

 

Huh, not sure I'm a furry animal person, then.

I've grown up with reptiles so...seeing people treat dogs like their own children is...personally revolting to me. I don't understand.

 

I have two dogs, Mallory and Duffy, and Mallory is the smart one.

Mallory has one particular spot where she likes to sleep and no other spot will do. This morning, Duffy stole her spot. She looked, made a cursory attempt to get him to move by pawing at his face, and then trotted over to the window in the living room and barked once. He jumped up and barreled into the living room. While he was staring out the window trying to figure out what he was supposed to be barking at, she calmly went back to her spot, curled up, and went to sleep.

 

@AnneCliche I grew up w dogs, so our family's aren't like my kids, they're like my siblings. but in what way is it revolting? I mean, baby talk w the dog is weird, but a lot of the time the whole "my pet is my kid" thing is a pretty standard nesting behavior that a lot of animals do, not just mammals

 

Maybe it's because I didn't grow up with cats or dogs as pets, or know anyone who has that kind of relationship with furry animals. I see people doing that "kissy" face and loves "doggy kisses", tongue in the mouth thing, or having that animal's tongue anywhere near me makes my skin crawl. I understand that it's something the dogs do to express affection but...yeah. I had reptiles and raised animals to feed them or for food ourselves.

In the US (no idea anywhere else) I get the sense that pets are almost above children. I keep seeing people carrying their pets around in satchels and their arms while their toddler is just...toddling off. I don't understand this preference for the animal's safety/wellbeing above their own kid.

*koffs*...not that I care about the kid either. It's just fascinating to me. It's almost always just them walking somewhere too. Often I think, "What if that thing runs into the street? If I hit it, that's it, I'm done for. Only then would the adult remember, right? For fucks sakes, put them all on a damn leash."

Oh, I should say, obviously this is my reaction. This is my problem. I'm not expecting anyone to have a problem, change or even care about my issues, because...they are mine? Mine to bear, mine to endure. Yeah. /disclaimer

 

ah, that makes sense! (I'm sorry if I came off as rude in my question, I was just confused. *awkward flailing*)

letting a dog french you is unambiguously weird. I was raised w dogs and I find that rly off-putting, particularly when the dog in question also tries to stick his tongue up my nose. (what I'm saying is that my brother's dog is rly fucking weird.) I also have a personal rule about our hounds not being allowed to kiss me (our family has two hounds and several sheep dogs and I swear they're almost like different species when it comes to behavior and human-like intelligence)

as for the kid thing, well, bad parents suck. (kiddie leashes are the best I swear to glob there should be leash laws on toddlers if only bc that would force the parents to watch them more) I mean, there's some thought that a kid will have to eventually become responsible for themselves, while a pet by definition can't be. but letting your toddler run into traffic is p bad no matter what.

I hope this isn't a rude question, but did being raised w reptilian pets give you more of a sense of distance to them? bc our dogs are like my siblings. we grew up together, and ima used her psych training w them the same way as w us and her Lovaas students/patients (that sounds kinda bad, but what I mean is that she used the same rules and practices that they use w nonverbal autistic kids to give them ways to communicate. she did the same thing w my siblings and I. ima figured that there wasn't much difference between a three year old autistic kid and a three year old allistic when it comes to tantrums)

 

Additional pet story: Missy, in her perpetual quest for tennis-ball heaven, has learned to toss balls into the air. She grabs some of the fuzz with her teeth and flips it up and catches it in her mouth. The goal is to demonstrate how incredibly fun it is so you will play with her.

 

i 100% treat my cat like a baby. i am SO GUILTY of that. granted, a baby that i occasionally snap things like "oh you little FUCKER" and "fuck off, shit-for-brains" and "if you don't cut that shit out RIGHT NOW i'm going to make you into SOUP" at, but a baby all the same.

i call him darling and dear and baby and love and "cat-son", i marvel at his tiny sounds, i take a billion pictures of him, I kiss his back and his belly and his footers and his face. I say things to him like "you are so good. you are such a good. i love you. you are so cute. you are the best thing in the universe." frequently. apropos of nothing.

of course, i do not plan on having actual human children any time soon, or possibly ever, so all the nurturing feelings i posess are directed straight to steve-o, including first-time-mother panics about his health ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

My cat Paul is a real piece of work. We got her as a four month old kitten, unadopted for that long for reasons I don't understand. She had been born at the home of the lady we adopted her from at PetCo (or PetSmart???) and never been chosen for the months that she had been brought to adoption events. But we loved her, and took her home...

And soon enough realized we had adopted a wild animal. She was terrified of the television for the first few weeks-- I couldn't bring her into a room where it was on without her trying to run off or hide. But she got over that quickly.

She's over a year old now, but she runs around like she's a kitten-- in fact, as I type this, I can hear her running around in the back of the house sounding like a herd of elephants. She's very fast, and for some reason one of her favorite things to do is run at full speed and launch herself up onto one of our antique wing chairs, hard enough to rock it on its feet. She's extremely vocal, and even when she runs around alone, she'll vocalize, that little mrrp noise that cats like to make. But I mean, I love cat sounds, so I've got the perfect kitty, because she can't help just 'mrrp'ing when she enters the room, or meowing at me all the time, or basically being loud and proud.

For some reason, she's obsessed with the ice machine on her fridge. No matter where she is in the house, if you start using it, she will appear, and then wait underneath it. I've learned through deductive process that what she wants is ice chips. Not full cubes-- if you drop a cube on the floor, she'll ignore it. But if little pieces of ice splinter off and fall there? She'll gladly lick it up.

She's somehow designated me as the Toy Getter. If I'm in the room and she's playing with one of her dozens of balls and she loses it under the rolling table where she can't get it, she'll meow at me, and then I'll get it up and roll the table away to retrieve it. Rinse and repeat, sometimes dozens of times. There have been occasions where she's also lost one of her toys underneath the couch, but on one such occasion, much to my surprise, I saw her jump over the back of the couch and head under it. Then, a few moments later, the ball came out through the front, followed by a little paw. She came back out from under it, hopped back over, and resumed playing immediately.

Basically, she's cute and smart and I feel slightly threatened by her intelligence.

Anyway, here's a video of her.

 

So, this story can be read as kind of sad, and I want to emphasize at the start that the dog was fine and suffered no lasting consequences. Also, to promise that it's also hilarious.

So. Boyfriend's family has a dog who eats everything. She has eaten nerf darts. She has taken food from the table while people were sitting there. Most food-motivated dog imaginable.

Boyfriend invites a friend over. Friend is kind of a stoner, and has a large and highly potent pot brownie in his backpack. Boyfriend knows this and says to friend, "Make sure to leave your backpack where Dog can't get it." Friend ... leaves his backpack on the floor in the living room, unzipped. Dog eats the brownie. Dog is subsequently very ill, and has her stomach pumped. Unfortunately, by the time this happens, Dog has absorbed quite a lot of the active ingredients of the brownie into her bloodstream. Dog is high for three days. During these days, she gets off couches by slowly falling off them, two paws at a time. She is very mellow and extremely uncoordinated. During this time, Boyfriend's dad has been away on a business trip. A few days in to the experience, he comes back. Dog trots up to the door to greet him. She tries to jump up on him, falls over, and repeats this several times, enthusiastically wagging her tail the whole time. Boyfriend's dad finally asks, "What's wrong with Dog?"

His mother responds, perfectly deadpan, "She's stoned."



Ever since, the dog has had the habit of hoarding chocolate. She buries it in the couch, or in flower pots, like normal dogs bury bones. On the plus side, at least this means she's attempting to regulate how much she eats at a time.

 

It's cool! I'm pretty bad at picking up "tone" in text or posts so even if you were rude I...uh...yeah. I'm dense. Even during off-line interactions, I'm just apparently not socialized enough or something.

I'm...not sure? It might contribute to it, though. It's been close to 20 years since I've had a pet anything and all I remember of my boa constrictors was that they weren't so much as pets as they were part of my grandfather's conservation and research. I just happen to be the one with the feeding job, I think. I don't remember if I had a personal pet (If I understand the word "pet" in the US correctly.) or not, most of the animals around me were working farm animals or research subjects. I do remember that the animals were not allowed inside the big house, they can wander anywhere but there, but that's not saying much since most women (including myself) weren't allowed in the big house.

Tradition, or some shit, just thinking about it now though...yeah, now that I've been exposed to American culture, my childhood was a "strange" mess.
OOOoh, funny pet story, just remembered! Okay, so, I came to the US in my early teens and, I don't know where or remember how, I managed to hide a juvenile boa constrictor in my knapsack. My father is very high in the military of my native country so when we finally, on the last leg of the journey to continental US soil, ended up in a US military cargo plane since he made friends with everyone and their sergeants.

I think it was a couple of days later when an INS officer finally thought to check our personal belongings and since the snake was already fed, it didn't occur to me to make sure it's okay otherwise.

I handed the knapsack over to the officer, completely forgetting the snake.

I swore the guy screamed so shrilly I think any dogs in the area were probably cowering in fear and confusion.

And my poor baby was confiscated. I never saw it again. I got in trouble and...honestly, seriously? I think this is where the officer or friends of his vindictively changed all of our last names and our birthdates. I was randomly given Thanksgiving of 82 and my father was May something of 33 and so on. The best one though is my oldest brother getting April 1st! That still kills me to this day. So yeah, now, I don't even know how old I really am. *shrugs*

 

=o how rude of them! and poor boa bb!

it makes sense if your animals weren't pets so much as work animals and research, tho. reptiles on the whole aren't *that* different from mammals. except geckos fuck those guys and their whole showing up whenever I try to clean my room just to mess w my anxiety. but yeah, the distance thing sounds like a reasonable consequence of that

 

Haha, the geckos of my childhood would take showers with me in the monsoon. They had no fucks to give. And the geography of my birth country was such that most of it would be under several feet of water because the Mekong backed up, turning the country into a gigantic fresh water lake for several months.

*koffs* Look, I'm not the brightest kid, but when it rained, it came down in sheets and everything is on stilts, and there are alligators floating lazily away on something and we'd jump off the second storey balcony into the flood waters. All the time. It wasn't dangerous at all, unless you provoked one of the scaly bastards.

I swear the wild animals, from what I remember, are the laziest creatures on this planet. One time a bird literally flew into an alligators mouth. It flew back out, and I'm not sure who was more surprised, the alligator, the bird who squealed even as it got away or me.

Here's M's newest kitten Sansa. It always tried to attack the rain and kept smacking into the window pane.

 

I lived in Florida as a kid, and can corroborate that alligators not giving a damn about anything is a global phenomenon.

 

So today I had a three hour car ride with myself and my two dogs, Amber and Rose, in the backseat. Neither dog likes to ride. Rose has to lie down and does not like her paws dangling off the seat or Amber touching her at all. Amber is big and clumsy. The backseat is not that big. Negotiations were required.

A breakthrough was reached about 45 minutes in when Rose decided that she could compromise on Amber touching her if it meant her paws wouldn't be dangling when she laid down. However, negotiating the space for that was still tricky...

...but ultimately about an hour and a half, we reached a peace!

Unfortunately Rose broke the peace half an hour later for reasons of "I missed by nap and am cranky" and decided to play "Moooooooooom, she's touching meeeeee!" for the rest of the ride.

 

So this is a story about someone else's pet, but: the first time I met my metamour's cat, Ezra, he arched up, ran sideways, and collided with the nearest furniture. Ezra is very good at first impressions. (He's actually super friendly, so it's not that he's scared of people - he's just sorta oblivious and I guess he went "HOLY SHIT THERE'S A NEW PERSON IN MY HOUSE, WHERE DID THEY COME FROM")
Ezra also apparently enjoys climbing onto the washer and dryer and then sorta jumping off of the back, then he's in the space between washer/dryer and wall and gets confused. What a dork.

 

Mom went into town to the grocery store Thursday evening for coffee creamer, met a friendly wiry-haired Heinz 57 terrier-type dog being fed a bit of people food by one of the employees on break. Employee mentioned that the dog had been hanging around for a few weeks now.

Mom came home with coffee creamer and a dog.

This dog is very friendly. No fear of people or cats (the cats aren't too thrilled about their new sister yet though). Housetrained. Loves car rides. Does great on a leash. Was left in the house while Mom and I went into town yesterday, was a very good dog, didn't get into trash or wreck anything.

She has one very weird behavior, though: she won't eat until someone hand-feeds her a piece of kibble. After she's been hand-fed the first bite, she'll clean the bowl. It's like she's waiting for permission to eat.

 

i don't have any terribly funny stories atm, but i'm overwhelmed with affection for steve right now SO

he just got finished doing a weird thing that he does pretty often. i'm flopped on the bed and he plonks his fluffy ass down on my chest and i put my hand up like 'hey whats up you walking allergen.' he uses my hand to scratch himself, as cats are wont to do, and then he does The Thing, which is: he half-opens his mouth, starts licking/gently gnawing on my fingertips, and loudly breathes on them.

(you know that thing you do with your throat when you do the gollum voice? like you half-close your throat? that's what his breathing sounds like. it sounds like fucking gollum going 'nahmn nahn nahm' at my hand under his breath.)

his face is alarmed the whole time, by the way. he was doing the owl ears, like i'd somehow bullied him into treating me to this entirely unsolicited weird handbath.

classic steve. what a guy

 

@applechime your cat is perfect