how to mend awful social fuckups

Kintsugi, this is more or less the reason I joined, because I can't talk about this with anyone in person, and I feel like I really need to talk to someone. also a lot of y'all are more experienced and/or just generally better at socialing than I am, so I would really value some advice.

basic question: how do you get your very best friend to like you again after you've fucked up big time? alternatively, how do you live with losing your very best friend?

literal fuckton of context about me, my friend, and our relationship:

Spoiler: under a cut because holy fuck is it long

• at the end of August last year I arrive back at school and very quickly discover that I have a terrific crush on this person, whom I thought to be a girl at the time. I decide to deal with this by making friends with her and waiting for it to go away, pretty much.
• at the beginning of September she is assigned as my "Big Sister" in our dorm (she's a year and a half older than I am). I bemoan how my life has become a soap opera.
• we are forced to spend some bonding time together and rapidly discover we are more or less the same person. I am thrilled to be spending increasing amounts of time with her.
• a couple weeks (??) later she discloses to me that she is bisexual. I had suspected this previously, mostly due to some extremely unsubtle gushing about Laura Prepon on her part. I continue to be thrilled because I am AFAB and this means I am compatible with her sexual orientation.
• I'm unsure of the exact timeline here but sometime fairly soon after this, probably around the beginning of October, she discloses to me that she is trans and would in fact be better suited to they or perhaps he. (actually the pronoun-change request was a bit later, but from now on I'll refer to them as such.) I had also previously suspected this based on their presentation. I respond by disclosing that I too am some flavor of trans. our bonding kicks into overdrive.
• we are now spending probably hours a day texting, eating almost all meals in each other's presence, walking places together, etc. I continue to hope the crush will go away. it does not.
• during this time period I treat them more or less as I would someone I wasn't romantically interested in—normal levels of contact between female-socialized friends, no flirting or anything.
• okay, actually, there is flirting. but like. plausibly deniable ironic flirting, which is possibly the worst idea I have ever had. also exchanges of sincere attractiveness-based compliments. also lots of heart emojis. also the one time we have an argument over if we had dicks who would suck whose, but that is definitely the most sexual anything that might be considered flirting got. point is I had the impression that they might possibly be interested in me.
• don't forget that emotionally we are very close as well.
• during this time I also learn a lot about their history with regard to their gender. which is, well. sucky in the extreme. they started feeling intensely dysphoric in fifth grade and decided they were a guy, which they disclosed to their dad by the end of sixth grade, with a warning not to tell their mom yet. their dad promptly did so, and their mom, a raging narcissist, responded by first quizzing them relentlessly about their gender. (example questions include: "do you want a penis?" what the hell.) they weren't sure about some of the answers, and told her so, which she took to be absolute proof that they had no idea what they were doing and were not trans. she also told them that their research about trans people online had "reinforced negative pathways in their brain" and tricked them into thinking they were trans when they're not. keep in mind that they were ten. so eventually they told their parents that they might be confused and needed some time to work it out. so their mom apparently figured that the problem was solved and didn't bring it up again. until she read their computer history a few weeks later and found out that this had depressed them enough to be suicidal. her reaction to this? to scream at them about how selfish they'd be if they told their overworked father and to threaten to tell their teachers. she didn't stop screaming until in desperation they promised they'd dress like a girl again if she didn't tell, at which point she perked right up, gave them back their computer, and never mentioned it again.
• see why I think she might be a narcissist?
• anyway, they didn't actually start dressing like a girl again. for a year and a half their parents neither did anything nor mentioned it, until they tried coming out to their mom again. she responded by wanting to talk about it 24/7 and also by telling them that they should practice "self-love" to feel better, i.e. less trans. terrified by the prospect of conversion-therapy-like treatment and also by the general idea of having to live as trans, they chickened out a couple days later and told her no, they wanted to wear men's clothes but definitely weren't trans. this was unconvincing in the extreme but exactly what she wanted to hear, so she dropped the issue completely.
• aside from not letting them cut their hair for like six years. what an asshole.
• upon hearing this story (which I have paraphrased from a long email they wrote about it) I cry several times and very carefully try to mention that this is abuse. they say maybe, yeah. no shit.
• understandably this all has fucked with their self-confidence with regards to gender big-time. they spend the aforementioned six years going from thinking they're entirely cis and they're making it all up to thinking that they're 100% a guy and want to medically transition. empirically I suppose you could say they're genderfluid? so they and I spend a lot of time talking about gender and dysphoria. I support them through all of their uncertainty and try to remind them that they definitely aren't cis. they say I do a good job with this. they help me figure out my own gender stuff, mostly by being a good listener and asking good questions. unlike them, I make steady progress with understanding myself, as I have ever since I realized I didn't want boobs about a year and a half ago.
• I buy them their first and only binder for their birthday. they say it's the best birthday present they've ever had.
• at some point in here it stops being a crush. I fall in love.
• winter break comes along and I host them at my house for a couple of days. my mom likes them. there is some cuddling. we're walking outside and I don't have gloves, so they suggest I put my hand in their coat pocket, and when I do so and take hold of their hand they lace their fingers through mine and squeeze back. I have to do something.
• the day after New Year's I send them a long series of exhaustively edited texts detailing my feelings for them and that I'd like to date and full of reassurances that they shouldn't feel at all pressured to do anything they don't want to, and begging them that if nothing else, please, they should still be my friend.
• I throw up a couple times, as I do when I'm anxious.
• they respond saying that they hope they didn't do anything to lead me on but they don't have time for a relationship and they think that I'd make a much better friend than I would partner. I tell them it's okay, I'm not upset, and do they want to set any concrete boundaries for me, because I do really, really badly with reading unarticulated discomfort. it comes out in this conversation that they're a little uncomfortable with the level of casual physical touching I've been doing—specifically in public, they're fine in private. I apologize for being a touchy person (which I am) and tone it down.
• in the next couple days my mother asks me what's wrong and I tell her I got rejected, which ends with me crying, mostly because I am so scared that they'll stop being my friend. all in all the emotional turmoil is pretty minimal, idk what those people talking about teenage heartbreak think they're doing.
• contrary to my fears our communication and emotional intimacy very quickly returns to its previous levels. I am still in love but absolutely determined not to act on that. we even talk about my feelings a little (although I do not acknowledge they are ongoing); they suggest that I write an angsty teenage breakup sonnet about them for an assignment. I do. it's pretty great.
• at some point during this time period I disclose to my therapist that both I and they are trans; I mention them because a) I'm in love and can't stop talking about them and b) as I mentioned they were a large part of my coming to terms with my identity. I figure it should be okay because the therapist's sworn to confidentiality, but I check with them anyway. they're initially uncomfortable but eventually say it's okay when I assure them the therapist doesn't know their last name. they are very, very afraid of their mom somehow finding out that they still think they're trans.
• spring break rolls around. I spend most of it visiting my psychiatrist almost every day and frantically trying to find some meds that work. (for the duration of this tale I have been varying degrees of majorly depressed and also anxious to the point of frequent physical ill effects.) I do however spend several days at their house with them and their parents. during this visit I by and large feel extremely sick because their family has the literal worst tendency to fall silent mid-conversation and my social anxiety cannot. abide. silence. also because I am in proximity to their mom, who is more or less a walking anxiety trigger.
• if you want further proof of her assholery apparently she pitches a fit about where I was to sleep during my visit. instead of sleeping on their floor, as you, you know, usually do when sleeping over with someone, she insists I sleep up in this loft because, get this, she thinks I'm a lesbian who will, like, seduce her "daughter" into filthy deviant sexual acts or something. yes, really. and this lady claims to be socially liberal. what she tells me is that the mattress is too wide to fit on their floor.
• anyway I still have somewhat of a good time, because I'm near them. during the trip I send my psychiatrist some pictures of me and them at his request, because he likes to have friendly relationships with his patients. I go home.
• I tell my psychiatrist that I'm trans and also that they are trans, again because they were a big part of my self-discovery and also I kinda want his advice about what to do with their mom, whom he incidentally also thinks is shit. I figure again that this is all confidential. I am one selfish motherfucker.
• I mention to them that I have disclosed about them to my psychiatrist in the context of wanting to pass on the tips he'd had for dealing with their mom. I don't think it's that big of a deal. they flip their shit, in a terrified way, because my psychiatrist has their full name and pictures and they are terrified that the information will get out. they tell me that I've outed them. I agree, and I apologize as well as I possibly can, fully sincere, because I do love them and the last thing I ever want is for them to be scared because of me. I beg them to tell me if there's anything I can do, at all, ever. I beg them to yell at me now, I deserve it. they don't. eventually I get overwhelmed and ask to sign off. their last words are "Of course."
• I've been crying for a while, but now I have a panic attack. I want to hurt myself, which is novel. I don't.
• the night before this they talked me through a breakdown in which I confessed the anxiety their family's silences had caused me and buckled under the weight of my own social inadequacies. they told me I was their best friend. they told me I was the only person they confided their emotions in.
• the next day we have a fairly normal if brief textual interaction.
• the day after that they stop answering my texts. I feel absolutely horrible.
• they're silent for the rest of break. when we get back to school they avoid me—walk fast or slow, sit at other tables, don't talk to me or text me or look me in the eye. I'm pretty sure they're mad at me and beg them to tell me what I should do—should I stop talking to them? for how long? I beg them to articulate how they feel. I apologize over and over. they don't give me anything concrete.
• I'm broken down. this is real heartbreak—having the person you love avoid you and knowing you deserve it, knowing that you hurt them. I cry for hours and days. I cry in class.
• they're newly appointed editor of the opinions section of our school newspaper. I decide to write my first article to have an excuse to contact them. virtually our only communication concerns this article, but some of what they say has a friendly tone. I'm hopeful.
• they tell me they're done being mad. they tell me that they've been miserable and they really took for granted how wonderful I am. they tell me they understand if I don't want them back. I say never. we have a very long reunion hug. god are they nice to hug.
• everything goes back to normal (i.e. high) levels of intimacy for about a week. I am very anxious around them because, you know, they were upset because of me and I don't want that to happen again.
• one day they start acting off, reticent, a little annoyed even. something is bothering them. I think that something is me. social interactions get 200% more awkward. my attempts to explicitly ask if they'd rather I go away are met with "I don't know"s.
• a couple days later I break down and beg them to tell me what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it. they are very reluctant to do this; I'm not sure why. eventually I get it out of them that they're "very conscious of social mores" and they "don't like feeling as though they're being clung to."
• which. okay. I am very clingy. also I am bad with social mores.
• I ask what type of social mores I've been violating and eventually in one burst they tell me that I have been constantly rude about their mother and they can't believe I'd disrespect my hostess like that, she may be difficult sometimes but she cares about them.
• no one has ever told me that saying bad things about one's hostess is Super Wrong, especially if a) they're accurate and b) the hostess' child has previously said very similar things and you learned that if someone else does something it's okay for you to do it too. I apologize immediately and sincerely, because it hurt them and I don't want that. I explain where the miscommunication occurred. I ask them to tell me if I'm doing something wrong in future. I cry some more.
• they go silent again. they don't avoid me quite as much, but the awkwardness is definitely still there. I have tried to communicate, and it has not worked. at one point I have about half a panic attack next to them and they don't say or do anything. we continue to interact via the article, and again some of these interactions are pretty friendly. some of our interactions within groups are also friendly.
• but it still feels wrong, and I can't believe that they mean any of it until they tell me what they're feeling and I believe it. and I don't think they're going to do that.
• I don't know what to do. I still love them. I still deserve everything that's happened to me.

okay, wow. that is long. also fuck I need to stop crying. but TL;DR my friend with whom I incidentally am in love is upset with me over validly upsetting shit I did. I have apologized. I feel terrible. how can I help them be less upset? and how can I stop being so goddamn dependent and insecure and tone-deaf and not have this all happen in the first place? please advise.

also for those who did read that monstrosity advice about dealing with their mom would also be appreciated. they won't listen to me if I give it to them, but.

 

Oof. Well, the thing with being abused is sometimes you still feel this intense loyalty to said abusive parent, because that's what you were groomed to have. They can bitch about their parents, sure, but if anyone else does, guilt and defensiveness can flare. It's not exactly fair, but it does happen, and if they won't listen to you about their mom, it's best to avoid that topic for now until they are ready to listen. Which might be a long time.

As for your fuck up, you've apologized and acknowledged how you were wrong. The only thing I think you can do now is give the whole situation time and space, unfortunately. I feel it should be said that while you may have been a little inconsiderate with regards to your friends identity and security, nothing you did was so bad that it makes you an awful person. You made a mistake, you've learned from it. That's part of growing.

Witnessed on the unrequited love bit. D: I've been there, and the only thing that helped me crush the feelings dead was space. Which I understand isn't an option for you, because you still want them in your life. I'm sorry.

 

thank you for your advice and your sympathy. also thank you for the reassurance that the mistake I made is not irredeemable; my brain would have me think that it is, I am awful, I deserve to be in pain, etc. and as for space, I suppose that definitely could be helpful, even if it's the exact opposite of what I want.

 

Okay, it sounds to me like they are not quite ready to confront/deal with the damage their mom causes them. For the time being, don't talk about or try to help them with their mom, just listen. If the mom makes you personally uncomfortable, try to avoid going to their house or tell them that she makes you really anxious and uncomfortable. It will honestly help a lot just to know that you are their to listen. Maybe one day they can start dealing with it, but it needs to be something they seek help for, or else they will shut down and defend their mom.

As for how to make up with your friend, I think you may both benefit from establishing boundaries. A thing that happens sometimes when you are abused and stuff is that you don't know where your boundaries are. This is probably why they take a long time to articulate what is upsetting them, because they may not actually know and it takes a while figure out or find a reason for it. Personally, if I respond to a inquiry about boundaries with "I don't know" it means I honestly do not know where I want my boundaries atm. It helps in these situations when the other person a) gives me a bit more room and b) says what they are going to do until/if I say I want my boundaries changed. So for example, if I said "I don't know" to "do you want me to leave you alone", a helpful answer is "alright. I am going over [location]. If you want me around you can come over or message me". This gives me space to deal with my boundaries and also removes the pressure of having to decide at that exact moment I want.

I think asking them to do explicit things to communicate with you would be helpful as well. Sometimes code words are really helpful. So like you being confused about whether she wants your company or affection causes you anxiety, and code words could help with that. Ask her to use a phrase for things like "you are touching me too much" or "I want to be left alone right now", which can be something small or unrelated(you two get to decide) like "feeling prickly" "flamingo" "need space" ect. The important part about code words is not to argue about them when they get used! If one of you uses a code word, respect it, act on it, and do your best not be offended. They are not "ha ha gotcha! You have to do what I say!"s, they are "I need to communicate this thing we talked about before very quickly, please do what we talked about". This doesn't work for everyone, bit it is a thing you guys can try.

Sadly, I can't help you about the unrequited feelings, cuz I don't go beyond friendship, but best of luck to you.

Edit: I just realized I was being really repetitive with the advice but I don't have the spoons to make it more relevant/coherent ect @_@ sorry

 

the problem here is that at this point they're not willing to talk to me about anything nearly as personal as their mom. if they eventually are, I will of course just listen and maybe affirm what they're saying. and I have articulated my discomfort with their mom, and I think they'll respect that. I mean, I can pretend that I'm feeling okay around her, so that's alright.

I would like nothing more than to establish boundaries with them and to communicate. I love explicitly stated boundaries, because they remove a lot of the anxiety around deciphering what someone wants, if I'm annoying them, etc. (I still worry that I am violating boundaries and someone isn't saying something even when they've been discussed beforehand, but.) and the code words sound like a great way to do that. that type of communication was in fact one of the things I valued most about our relationship, because if I wasn't sure, I could ask, and be reasonably unworried about the truth of the answer. but that's not happening now. they don't trust me enough anymore. but if you have any advice about inviting someone to make boundaries, that would be very much appreciated.

this is a good insight and a possible motivation I had not considered! I was thinking that they hadn't told me until prompted because they didn't want to confront me or hurt my feelings (they get very anxious about social interaction too), but there might also have been some of this going on.

thanks for sharing your personal experience with things like this. I very much appreciate the insight and will keep it in mind.

and you have no reason to be sorry. your advice is good and I really appreciate it. and you don't owe me any of your spoons.

 

Honestly, the best you can do right now is give space. They are feeling spooked and hurt. They are dealing with their feelings atm. Trying to force the previous intimate relationship before they are ready will be a boundary violation.

So, basically, keep in contact through the article thing, make sure they know you are available when they are ready to talk, and wait for them. This will be hard and it will suck. Do what you can to keep yourself safe, because waiting when you have social anxiety SUCKS, but it will help them a lot to feel like their not being pressured and allowing them to deal with their feelings.

Once they are ready to talk, tell them that you know there were difficulties between you two and you want to work to make it better. That is were you propose the code phrases. Maybe ask them if there is an idea that they think would help as well. Try them both. Try initiating conversation after working with these plans for a while(week, month, what ever gives you enough time to give the ideas a decent test run) and see how the new ideas are working for you both. Keep what works, change what doesn't.

Oh! Also, just in general, if you are planning to have a conversation that might be upsetting or hard, I highly suggest going out for food together and starting the conversation either after the meal or when you are both mostly done. Being hungry makes people more irritable and I have solved friend disputes by simple eating before trying to actually solve the problem.

Anyways, it really sounds like you two are really good friends and that you won't break apart because of this. Rough spots happen and it can be really painful, but I think you two will be fine. Good luck!

 

yeah, waiting does suck quite a lot. but I guess I have to accept that if they do want to make amends it's best to let them come to me instead of bugging them about it constantly. in the meantime I guess I should just be friendly and try not to initiate contact with them too much. god it's so hard when all I want to do is spend time with them. but you're right, leaving them alone is best.

thanks for this reassurance and the specific advice about the make-up conversation. it really means a lot to me. I hope our relationship is strong enough to be enduring too, although maybe they value it less than I do. I mean, they're not in love with me, so. I don't know anymore.

 

I have no advice, but witnessed.

 

sorry to be needy about this, but it's really causing me a lot of distress and I would appreciate it so much if anyone else has advice. or just commiseration or sympathy, honestly.

 

I wish I had more words to give you. :( Rorleuaisen said everything I could think to say and then some. I'm just sorry you're hurting so much.

I'll just reiterate that you haven't done anything that terrible. Just some miscommunication, and it'll be okay in the long run.

 

@Ruevian thanks again for the reassurance, it can be hard to keep that in mind sometimes. it just sucks because my mood was getting better, dammit, and thinking about this is a surefire way to tank it.

 

I could make more words if you would like? My brain kept coming back to this thread going "oh you should say this! And this too! And this!" but I have forgotten most of them again.

The one I can remember for the time being is that a) I totally have social anxiety incase I did not mention it before, so I definitely relate to you and your friend in that manner and b) once you two develop some boundary words and stuff, it is actually helpful to use them. And by use them I mean, actually declare a boundary like "I need space" and follow through. I personally find it extremely reassuring knowing that the other person will declare a boundary, as well as when someone follows it. If neither of you ever uses the codes/boundaries, both of your anxieties are bound to wonder whether or not the other will actually do it, or just pretend it's alright til things go bad again. So I encourage you to talk to your friend and discuss that(maybe not first day you guys are talking, but definitely first week) and encourage eachother to express boundaries even if you don't "need" it. It is sorta like a trust fall. Seeing the boundaries used and respected makes it so much easier to trust eachother to use and respect them later. And incase I didn't mention it, it helps A LOT(at least in my experience) to just take the boundaries thing in stride and not make a big deal when they are used.

Also, I sometimes find it helpful to make more words if something is spinning in my head and won't settle down. It is an emotional release. So if you have more thoughts on the topic that just won't lay to rest, I would happily read them and try to give input or whatever.

 

@rorleuaisen more words would be very much appreciated, thank you. you did mention (or heavily imply, idk) that you had social anxiety before, and your suggestion about making sure to use boundary words makes a lot of sense. I think I would be reassured by it in the same way you are. also, actually my friend and I are talking, just not in an intimate enough way for me to think that they'd want to discuss boundaries. like, I think if I brought it up to them they wouldn't reply, or say "yeah, whatever," etc. so I guess I'm just going to have to judge when they might be receptive and bring it up then. oh joy, reading social cues.
and if I am inspired to write more, it's nice to know you'll listen. next time I'm stuck in a loop about it I think I will post again.

 

augh I'm fucking crying again and nothing even happened they just texted me and we had a reasonably pleasant conversation that didn't even contain that much of me whining but I still did too fucking much. and they told me they had to go get dinner but I know they just wanted a polite excuse to end the conversation. that has to be what happened because they don't want to talk to me and they don't want to spend time with me and the only reason they contact me at all is because I'm shitty and manipulative and I make up questions about the newspaper that they have to answer. fuck I feel so bad because they don't want me and here I am doing nothing but wanting them. they'd be disgusted if they knew what I was thinking about them and how dependent I am on them when they obviously don't want to give anything back. what is wrong with me? all I'm doing is hurting them with my feelings and making their life worse and I can't stop. I feel awful every time I see them laugh at someone else's joke and that's awful. that's shitty and possessive and manipulative of me and it hurts them. why can't I just fucking let them be happy with me out of their life? why do I have to be so fucking useless at telling what people want that even though they forgave me once I fucked up enough to break that trust? why can't I be fixable? why can't I be normal? why can't I have normal feelings at normal intensities and not want what I can't have and not stake my entire fucking mood on whether or not one person will smile at me? I don't know what's wrong with me but there has to be something and I don't know how to fix it. this hurts too much. I'm too fucking sensitive if I hurt all the time because someone doesn't want to be my very bestest friend. I'm fucked up and no wonder they don't want me. all I ever do is whine and get hurt and be fragile and here I am posting this in the hopes that someone will read it and comfort me. what is wrong with me? I don't deserve to be comforted. I don't deserve anyone's sympathy because I'm a fuckup of a human being and I need to get my shit together and fuck I just want it to stop hurting.

 

Yes, you deserve comfort. You deserve sympathy. What you're going through is so painful and you can't help your feelings. You fell in love with someone -- that's not a crime, even if it's unrequited. You're not a fuck up.

You're assuming a lot of what your friend is feeling/thinking, assuming the worst, when you don't know. But I will say that maybe you should put a little distance there. You won't be able to really heal and move past these feelings if you keep poking them with a stick via finding excuses to talk to them.

 

Being in love with someone does not make you a fuckup. Not being able to instantly turn off your feelings is not a failure on your part. Wanting to be comforted when you're hurting is not something you need to do something to 'deserve'.

Is there any sort of counselling at your school? You could use someone in person to talk to.

(Also, you're hitting a fair few of the points on this Cognitive Distortions checklist. That does not mean you or your feelings are bad, but it helps to be aware of these things so you can try to think in a more balanced way. I have a pretty bad problem with 1 and 4, personally)

 

Sorry it took so long to respond, words were an issue.

First off, did writing your thoughts down help with getting the thoughts to stop spinning? Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I don't have many alternate solutions for mitigating social anxiety sadly, so I hope it was helpful to you.

Two, I recognize that you were very upset while writing that and I have been in those nasty little self-hate spirals before. I hope you are not still feeling that way. You are a person deserving of love, friendship and comfort. It might take me a while to respond, but I am listening and I do care. I just want you to know I heard you and I hope you are feeling better.

 

It sucks that you're having a conflict with your friend. You can't make them start talking to you again and they'll process their side of things in their own time. Leave them alone for a bit and see where it turns out (yes, I recognize this is the hardest thing to do when you're anxious). Forcing them to talk to you when they don't want to isn't going to mend anything. Meanwhile, this is a good time to focus on yourself. Are there some LGBT groups at your college you could join? How about counseling for your social anxiety? What are some places you could go to make some new friends?

It's going to hurt. It's a normal part of the healing process, even though that doesn't make it easier to deal with. I can say you aren't a fuck-up. You had the courage to ask your friend out and got rejected. You accepted their feelings weren't the same and went back to being their friend. Even if internally you were pining, you didn't make it their problem. From what I can tell, you handled it in the way all unrequited lovers should.

As for their mom, she sounds like a bad parent. Probably everything you said about her was accurate but she's still their mom and that comes with confusing feelings of love for her. It's dumb but humans don't make sense.

You have a lot of self-loathing. Compliment yourself about something.

 

hey guys, I'm in a much better headspace than I was when I posted that. that's what happens when I let my anxiety run away from me: it all goes inward. I was aware when I wrote that that I was being illogical and blowing things out of proportion, but telling myself feelings are irrational doesn't do much about them. even if I know something is unlikely, I still believe it. which is one of the most frustrating things about being mentally ill. although honestly I still am afraid that all that is true, and honestly I still don't like myself very much (that's another thing that I believe but is somewhat hypocritical). but thank you for letting me vent here, and thank you for listening, and thank you all for your responses.

@Ruevian it really means a lot to me particularly that you think I deserve comfort and sympathy. that's not something I hear very often, and it's not something I often allow myself either. as for distance, the problem with that is that they live in my dorm and are in one of my classes. I see them five days a week even if I actively avoid them. also you and several other people seem to be under the impression that we're not talking—we are, in our common friend groups and one-on-one (although not one-on-one in person). these interactions range from uncomfortably cordial to seemingly genuinely friendly, and I feel like if I straight up just stop talking to them they'll let me go and I'll never get close to them again. I won't say that I'm happy with being what amounts to casual friends, but it's a damn sight better than not seeing them at all.

@budgie thanks for the reassurance. I keep saying this but it really does mean a lot to me. and yeah, there's counseling, but actually I'm in the process of breaking it off with my counselor, mostly because I don't feel comfortable talking to him about queer shit. and talking about this particular situation would require a lot of queer shit. same deal with my mom—she knows I had a crush on my friend, but she doesn't know they're trans, and that's kind of a big part of the story. and I super don't want to tell her; actually she asked (my friend is pretty queer-looking) and I told her it wasn't my place to say. I do have one friend who's in on the story, but she lives pretty far away and we've already talked about it a lot. I don't want to bother her every time I start crying. also, just curious, which of those cognitive distortions in particular did you think I was demonstrating?

@rorleuaisen don't worry about the response time! and yeah, I think writing it down did help—not in the moment necessarily, but it's nice to have a record of my thoughts to go back over and say "okay that's probably not true." and thanks so much for listening. as I said I am feeling better currently.

 

like I told Ruevian above, actually I am talking to them, and I kind of have to. but I'm certainly going to let them dictate the terms of that contact and really try not to force intimacy on them, no matter how much I'd like to.

actually I go to a boarding high school, which has a grand total of one LGBT group, which I am already heavily involved with. I'm actually running for president. my friend is very much involved with it as well. and I've had quite a bit of counseling, for social anxiety and generalized anxiety and depression, and honestly it hasn't been very beneficial, at least not with the guy I'm assigned to. a lot of the time I feel shittier after a meeting rather than better, which I think is probably not a good thing. so I'm cutting down on that counseling, although I will be seeing my psychiatrist for talk therapy over the summer. also, just for reference, generally right now I am feeling way better mood- and anxiety-wise than I was, say, a couple of months ago. at least I have something legitimate to be upset over instead of being miserable over nothing.

it's not even the fact that they rejected me that's bothering me; honestly I am way over that. (intellectually, that is. emotionally, eh, but I certainly don't blame them for anything.) my being in love with them is really only relevant because saying so is a way to get across to people how emotionally intimate I would like to be with them, and it is the lack of that emotional intimacy that's really hurting me.

I... am having a lot of trouble doing that, honestly. I have tendencies toward feeling intellectually superior which I really do not want to encourage, and otherwise I don't see any ways in which I'm at all exceptional.