@BPD anon ime different people have different ideas when it comes to when cleaning needs to be done. the roommate who made the schedule is the one in your house with lowest mess tolerance. it's perfectly fair that you didn't think it was dirty enough to clean, but i'm guessing from her point of view, you clean things to prevent them from reaching Must Be Cleaned Now levels of dirtiness. reactive vs. proactive cleaning, basically. maybe volunteer to take the dog out the next time she's gone? couldn't hurt.
I mean, if I were the sole tenant, I wouldn't clean anything at all ever. That's what happened in my dorm. But I do have some standards for "doing my part" when it comes to living with other people. I guess they just didn't match hers.
to be fair whenever there's multiple people sharing a space someone's going to have higher standards than everyone else. it seems to be one of the laws of the universe.
As a not-having-RL-friends person, I have observed a lot of what family people go through with the friends thing. It isn't worth it - too much "playing a part" to get started with a new friend, and as @BPD anon has noticed - if you don't fit right off they don't include you and you have no idea why. Mouse always thought it was his body ( 4 1/2 foot tall furry beach ball ) until someone he roomed with finally told him it was cause he's a know-it-all on religion and doesn't leave people room to be bigots - and in redneck-land bigotry is highly regarded, especially about religion (since blatant racial bigotry is out of fashion this year down there). Punk finds new friends difficult because in redneck-land being a girl that likes girls and dresses like a boy but is not trans - way too confusing, they just exclude her. It goes on and on - little things you wouldn't think should matter, especially when with other people of similar interests already. People are fussy about new people, particularly when they already have a social group. Loners and outsiders are not so fussy, but then you might wonder why they are outsiders and don't already belong to a group. In a lot of cases, it's cause they "came in late" and are like you - they aren't part of the group already so they get a lot more rules tossed at them before they can become part of the group, but the rules are unclear unless you're one of the lucky ones that grasp social things easily. Dang this went too far. I babbled, sorry.
Um, this may be out of line, or not useful to some people because I'm an allistic extravert and that colors how I interact with people, but - Things that I have noticed are effective in acquiring friends: issue specific invitations. "Wanna hang out sometime?" is not useful and creates social pressure and expectation with no outlet. Suggesting a specific activity - board games, card games, grilling, going out for beer - provides a framework for the interaction and also lowers anxiety for other people. Other people are also worried about everything! Frameworks let people have expectations, and also everyone is always grateful to the person who breaks the "I dunno, what do you want to do?" initiative spiral. Also, they are more likely to suggest an alternative activity rather than just saying no if they don't like what you suggested. Also, if you invite them, there is some social pressure for reciprocity if they are doing a similar thing again. Also, if you are hosting or planning the event, you can't not be invited, so that problem ends up circumvented. leave those invitations open in some way, if possible. Suggesting an activity and a time range is excellent, but letting the other person set a time they can't start before or need to be done by or pick a movie showing time lets them have input and make a social event something they are more likely to be able to attend with less stress. make other people stakeholders, if possible. Like, if you're doing dinner or something like a gaming night, have them bring something. It will make them feel involved, which adds an implied social pressure to show up because if it's a flop, well, it might not have been a flop if they showed up and brought what they were supposed to. Particularly effective for potlucks if they have a dish they're proud of and you ask them to bring it: people like to show off. build on things you know they like. If someone is really into Marvel, asking them to see a Marvel movie with you means they will associate you with something that is already likely to be a positive experience for them. Like, the party T and I threw at a convention a couple months ago we decided we were going to play Cards Against Humanity and Slash, because everyone had a dark sense of humor and a love of shipping. I have another friend really into zombies, and we played Zombicide 3. ask people about themselves! People tend to be interesting - and really, why would you want to be friends with someone if you don't find them interesting? - and seeing them talk about the stuff they love is not only cool and informative, it also endears you to them. Doing this also provides topics of conversation for later, between the small talk and the deepest secrets: you can talk about common interests or stuff they like that you want to know more about or stuff you like that they want to know more about. have topics of conversation that aren't universally negative. This can be easier for some people to slip into than others, but I noticed with one of my newer people that I was spending too much time talking about shows we hatewatch and what's wrong with them. Uninterrupted negativity is toxic to be around and also not fun, and the latter makes it hard to make friends with people. So I have been rambling about cooking recently, because that's another interest we share. don't try to be perfect. Trying too hard to cover up flaws can come across as fake, which is off-putting, but it also keeps necessary distance between you and other people. It's also less stressful to just be oneself! And, like, mismatched rough edges are how puzzles end up sticking together, and you want people you'll click with like that, because that is an excellent type of friend. I am kind of trepidatious about posting this, because it's not going to be perfect for everyone. But the gist is that I am an insufferable know-it-all with low impulse control and have plenty of friends, so there's no reason other people shouldn't, too, and their acquisition is a process like any other.
That is actually helpful, @Chiomi . Doesn't work for me for reasons, but I know people RL that could use those suggestions (not saying my family is socially inept, but ... :) ).
Chiomi's suggestions are super and very good. I am personally also bit of a know-it-all, loud and used to be a "this sucks super much ugh" person. Let's just say toning that last trait down helped a lot. I've had practice in being less weird with new people. Oh and tmi is also something you need to be careful with. Basically, don't escalate information volunteering quickly, but escalate slowly. So at first mention level 1 details like occupation, interests, music. If you want to get into level 2, volunteer level 2 information and if they don't volunteer back, stay at 1.
I suck at friends especially because even my parents don't have friends. Well, they kinda did in school and stuff, but not in the entire time I've known them. Work colleagues (that never lasts beyond the job) and family (and not much of that), and that's it. So I never really learned how very well.
This is actually one of my favorite things ever. It's how I make small talk kind of? Like when I hear people's primary interest I'm like *chinhands* tell me more. Of course, then I don't get asked anything back. Also I think my interests are just incompatible with RL friends at this point because I'm super Homestuck and creative writing is pretty much a solo activity unless you RP and that's considered Weird.
About stakeholders - Use with caution when interacting with spergs/folks with anxiety disorders/folks with depression. It can be easy for 'convenient excuse to hang out' to become 'every time I see you must be AN EVENT, and I don't have enough spoons for AN EVENT so let's not hang out at all'. Low-spoons hangouts can be pleasant and still count as Friends Activities. The archetypical interaction is probably 'let's sit in the same room and stare at our computers all night'.
All three are holy shit me. Like please let's just sit in the living room and watch shitty let's plays that's all I want to do. Show me what you're blogging about. That's it. That's the thing I do this just fine with my family but apparently friends don't Do That, they all want to Talk about Things and not actually watch what's on the television and I'm like but I just wanted to finally watch this show why y'all talkin'.
Hanging out without pressure is the best. Just having a drink at their house even if sometimes my friends just sort of shove their kids at me and I'm like, welp, babysitting time I guess. I come to the conclusion that I have a few friends who I'm happy to hang with whatever the occasion, and we can get back together and everything clicks into place (hell, one got back in touch after fifteen years and it was like an instant 'hey let's just start talking about whatever we left off ages ago') but those friends were all made pre-Boyfriend Dramarama and since then I haven't actually made many friends at all. There are tons of people I've got to know but I'm withholding trust and maybe they sense that? Spoiler: Minor rant about friend fuckery I had thought I was a friend of a couple of colleagues at one job but they conspired to get me fired (they failed) so the one I was closest to could take it over. I had email proof of that and other shady dealings - they shouldn't have fucked about with their database admin. So I quit, and I hope they have the lives they deserve, far away from me, cause I wouldn't touch 'em with someone else's shitty bargepole.
i'm an autistic extrovert. here is how i make friends: act like we are already friends here is how i socialize with my friends: do p much what i was going to do anyway, but with my friends there that's the whole business
@jacktrash you've just summed up all my friendships. Basically with me: The ones who remain hanging out with you after a while (a month is generally a pretty good indicator) can be considered friends, and the ones who put up with you for even longer can be considered Good friends. I just assume, if I get proved wrong that comes out soon enough when they literally have to avoid me (because I'm not going to stop hanging out with them), and that's usually when my brain goes 'ah, not friend. Maybe acquaintance?' Happens very rarely though. When I leave the country (something I've done very often in my life) the friends who do not write back just are back-up friends for whenever I meet them again, or become acquaintances over long enough time, and the ones who do write back are generally friends-for-life. I've also taken a habit of inviting myself along when people around me are going to do something. They go out for drinks, I generally go 'can I join you?' For some reason my anxiety allows that, but that's generally because drinks are fun and tasty, and make social interaction a lot easier. The only time I had to have a talk with a person about being friends was this religious girl who was convinced I had sold my soul to the devil. (A friend of hers had made a joke about that and she took him seriously, and it took me a talk with her to reintroduce myself and shake her hands, after which we became friends for a year and now I haven't heard anything of her) What made it a lot easier for me is that I don't read into people's intentions and I have no scruples. I'm terrible at parsing what exactly somebody means when they're saying something, so I've generally given up on that and just roll along with being extremely literal. Most of the time people just accept it as a quirk of character or think I have a sense of humour (spoiler: no, not really) As for the no scruples part: I don't really care what people think of me, in the sense that I don't care if I embarass someone with my personality. (I do care if people think of me in a way that is objectively wrong - e.g Danish instead of Dutch) A lot of people interpret that as being very blunt and honest, and as I'm a foreigner or an outsider of some sort in 90% of my interactions, I get away with it. In my experience, people can be a little more lenient if you're Not One of Them (i.e foreigner, or different discipline), and it can make a lot of tics and quirks very Acceptable. Not often though, but it can. And funnily enough when they become friends, you're suddenly One of Them without even trying. In that case, my rule is: keep on cruising like before, no change in strategy. They liked you for what you are, ergo they will still like you. (And if they don't accept you for being different, what's the loss?) Probably won't help you in any way, but this is how I've always done it. Mind: I don't have a lot of friends - three really good ones that remain the same throughout my life. The rest come and go with each country I move to. Edit: also @Chiomi sounds exactly like my mother, and I always follow my mother's advice. In other words, @Chiomi has good advice.
today, it turned out that someone who i thought liked me (i didn't think they were entirely friends with me yet, though i was very open to the possibility with being friends with them) actually wanted to cut off contact with me, and blocked me and made their blog redirect to an invalid tumblr url for me. so yeah... i'm just saying that i really feel this entire thread. like, so damn hard. why is this type of shit so damn unclear? and why can't i hate that person for not being honest with me? why the hell would i forgive them if they came back and apologized? just... fuck, friendship is hard.
The big thing for me is that I'm cautious about certain things I disclose. I will mention a lot of general things, but I won't tell you specifics about some of the shit I've been through if I either don't feel like I know you well enough or think you'd judge me. If I feel like I can be open with you (usually based on the things you say - if I find we have a lot in common in terms of our beliefs or reactions to certain things, I'll start giving you a little more trust) then I start considering you to be a friend. I think most friendships didn't really have a big moment of 'oh, we're friends!' In my experience I just kind of slide out of the 'oh, okay, I know you, you seem cool' territory into the 'yeah lets hang out a lot!' territory in a very subtle way. Like I couldn't point to one moment and be like 'yeah, see, that's where we became friends!' like people in movies do. There were times when I realized that I could become friends with a person - that the potential was there for it to happen. However, sometimes for whatever reason, that never comes to fruition. I think usually with friendships you just find yourself sitting there one night and you have this sudden realization 'ooh, THIS is what friendship is like!' Or at least that's my take on the issue.
what if i wasn't jealous when people had good best irl friends. what if i wasn't jealous of people i know who are married. kind of want someone to rp with but they'll just fall through on me. what is being social. how does this work.
Then you'd be way more mature than most people. Most people are jealous. I am jealous right now of everyone who has a stable romantic relationship with an attractive partner who loves them and who they love along with good sex. It's not a particularly rare emotion.
Oh yeah, that's me. Highly, highly jealous of this. I try not to show it, but still. Why do only some people get all the good things? :(
Mmyep. It's hard to make friends and be social when your social activity is severely limited by overload. It's pretty maddening.
