Problem I have: I am kinda religious. I also have OCD. My brain likes to turn this into a WHEE FUCK YOU kinda thing because why would brains ever be nice to us. I said a mean thing about a person (which already nibbled at my "don't do that or you will be punished" brain bug), and then said person turned out to also be suffering and now my brain bug is like, "THAT'S IT, NOW GOD NEEDS TO PUNISH YOU BY MAKING YOU SUFFER AS MUCH AS THAT PERSON. ALL YOUR LOVED ONES ARE GOING TO DIE. THIS WILL TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A RADIANT BEACON OF GOD'S LOVE AND PEACE AND GOODWILL FOR ALL MAN AT ALL TIMES ALWAYS. HOW DARE YOU EVER BE NEGATIVE. THAT IS BAD AND NOW YOU MUST SUFFER FOR BEING BAD." That sounds so Christian. I am not even Christian goddammit. Help, basically??? How do I convince my brain that this is not going to kill everyone I love??? I can't do logical reasoning with religious thoughts because in a lot of ways religion is inherently illogical, so it doesn't work. AAAAAAARGH.
it's 6am and i wasn't having a very good verbal week even before i stayed up all night reading night vale fic, but... why would you have that much power over anyone? i'm sorry if that's not helpful. it just seems like attributing someone else's life events to your own feelings is like saying you're a wizard who can kill people just by saying certain words or something. if you were that powerful, you could be a millionaire and have an entire cake. you could make putin do a striptease on live tv. please make putin do a striptease on live tv.
@(Not) Literally A Bird (in gchat): "if i say that [sister's name's] birthday cake wasn't very nice, do i get an entire cake pls respond this is important" I hate you both for making me laugh goddammit. I know that it is not rational to think that but also I do??? I always have this fear that if I'm not the perfect follower, I am going to cause ruin to everyone around me as punishment. I kinda wonder if I should be an atheist to preserve my sanity. But I know I am not thinking rationally. It doesn't make sense. Maybe if I keep telling myself that I will calm the fuck down. Also I will do everything in my clearly omnipotent power to make Putin to a striptease on TV. I think he should do it to YMCA.
@(Not) Literally A Bird: "every time u have a spiral im gonna remind u of putin stripteasing" @jacktrash what have you wrought
i was thinking maybe lady gaga's 'love game' but hey you're the wizard :D who was it that was saying they visualize their intrusive thoughts as a bratty little brother? and then they can go "oh shut up brian"? anyway i have to sleep now, feel free to do science by thinking terrible things about me and observing that i will be posting tomorrow as usual, totally unharmed.
Love Game also works =P Maybe even Born This Way for Maximum Irony and Discomfort. I'm going to visualise my intrusive thoughts as Putin now. I have a tiny angry Russian man speaking shit in my ear. I can just punch him. Now I am punching Putin. Everyone wins. I'm going to go make my bed and maybe get something warm to drink I think that is a good idea yes. I will talk to you once we have both done a sleep, I guess! Thank you for your help. I already feel kinda better.
Wasn't that a tumblr thing about imagining that you're having to drive a really annoying passenger around? 'Thank you for your input, Timothy.'
I deal with the same thing. We're similar OCD subtypes. Whenever something bad happens to me I think I deserve this. I don't deserve to be upset, this is my divine punishment. But it's helped me to remember that life just isn't fair. Yes, I've done stuff I shouldn't have, but that doesn't mean God has decided to reach down and punish me personally. I know plenty of shitty people who aren't punished, so why should I be?
@ZeroEsper That is actually something the bf said... There are a lot of shitty people who do worse things than think bad thoughts, why would I be punished and not them? And wouldn't God be understanding that I don't want to be mean and that I regret it? Idk. If I try to remember that, it helps. I also get this, "This is punishment and I can't be upset or I am Bad and will receive More Punishment," thoughts. Whee OCD. *OCD commiseration hug*
i have a feeling that most of the time when humans fuck up god does the :3 face like we do when a kitten falls off the bed
I am honestly surprised that I haven't gone into this sort of thing with the karma thing. Instead my hellspirals are based entirely on the control aspect. Basically the idea in Buddhism is that the mind can be tamed and controlled to the extent where suffering no longer exists for you. Over your practice you get better and better at reining in your feelings and keeping reality in check. So when I get upset I'll fall into the hellspiral of "Well I should be able to control it and just set the feeling aside. God I'm an awful Buddhist. This is my fault and I deserve to feel bad because I'm not working hard enough." Even though this really makes no fucking sense it just eats away at me because brains are fucking stupid, and there are reasons I call myself we and consider my brain as separate from myself. We're not in a very healthy relationship, my brain and I. If I could give you sympathetic OCD is fucking ass hugs I would.
