sorry i don't make the rules: ridiculous/lighthearted headcanons

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There's a sidequest in my favorite game involving the diary of an incredibly badass war hero named Viola. I am firmly convinced that said diary contains, besides the various things mentioned in-game, the truly awful poetry she wrote when she was 14.

 

Minerva McGonagall won the All-Hemisphere Atlantic Junior Hippocampus Oceanic Derby six years running and only gave up jockeying to teach. She was assigned to the emergency crew during the lake trials of the Goblet of Fire and can still ride circles around basically everyone.

 

Signum Yagami's favorite Crystal Gem is Pearl. Vita likes Amethyst. Shamal likes Steven. Hayate's love is indiscriminate and Zafira likes Garnet.

Sworn to the Sword was an uncomfortable episode for them to watch.

 

Another RH one: partway through the game you get the ability to turn invisible. The game never addresses the fact that only the MC can do this, and there are up to six other people along with him. Therefore, I feel the only logical conclusion is that everyone has to hold hands and shuffle along in an undignified daisy chain like kids on a field trip for him to keep everyone invisible, and several of them keep stubbing their toes. :::PPP

 

norm the genie (fairly oddparents) has sometimes felt the urge to eat/suck at/lick ivory

 

On the subject of HP, there's a black market in graph paper, pencils, and Muggle math textbooks at Hogwarts among people who'd like to pass Astronomy.

 

Equius Zahhak sounds like post puberty Joseph Gribble from King of the Hill.

Adult!Dave Strider sounds like Tom Petty.

Jade Harley always has B.O. and never wears deodorant. It is undecided whether "salty musky armpit smell Jade" or "dog smell Jade" is preferable.

 

(I also decided the most underdeveloped player character in RH, who says a few things which are... not good... and calls several of the party members by nicknames so much that there's a line in the true ending where the MC snarks about how he "finally remembered my name," is secretly a massive troll who's using the Proud Warrior Race Guy schtick as a cover so people don't realize he's messing with them.)

 

More Nanoha - Annihilation Lightning was a spell stolen from the Thunder Emperor Dahlgrun. Victoria is theoretically capable of casting it, but has never tried and doesn't have the necessary formula in her Device because using it in any situation other than being an officer of the law in a serious situation inside a barrier would be super illegal.

Reinforce Eins' melee-combat style of fighting was mostly copied off Jeremiah techniques.

The characters in the upcoming series are melee-focused (Fuuka) and a sniper (Rinne) with a swordswoman (Jill.) This is almost entirely unfounded (someone who's probably Fuuka is seen wearing brass knuckles, a crosshairs is in the new logo, and I like swords. There's no information about what's happening and I'm dying.)

 

Switching to another Favorite Thing of mine, Darker than Black: There's a Contractor who moves around a few rural towns in Africa who has the ability to remove all viruses of a specific type from a person's system. They have been systematically and single-handedly making a dent in the area HIV rate, because people will give them everything they could want in exchange (and keep them well-supplied with soap solution and bubble wands so they can pay their remuneration afterward). The Syndicate has been trying to track them down for years, and failing largely because of 100% mundane sabotage by people who'd like to keep them.

 

Oh, and I declared in Tumblr.txt that Trish the money-grubbing Healing Spring fairy from Persona 2 also owns the fairy loan-shark agency from Recettear. I guess I should repeat that over here. :::PPP

 

this whole thread is beautiful

amethyst once ate a shark whole

 

One from my FF7 playthrough:

Spoiler

The reason all the Sephiroth clones have identical black cloaks is that Sephy has an account with a uniform manufacturer who specializes in supervillain mook outfits. The "come to the Reunion in the Northern Crater" signal is modulated with "stop by the nearest Hench Outfitters on your way and tell them to put it on my tab," but that part missed Cloud somehow.

 

Overwatch: My sibling decided the reason Hanzo was told to kill Genji was because the green hair with an orange scarf and white clothes was a disgrace to not just the Shimada clan specifically, but ninjas everywhere.

"We refuse to tolerate this Naruto bullshit." - a Shimada elder, probably.

 

Rose Lalonde has a thriving Etsy of adorable, entirely mundane knitted plush animals because she is a savvy businesswoman who fully understands that My Little F'thulu is a niche market and that one must make sacrifices for one's Art.

 

Some SU Stuff:
Amethyst gets her affinity for airplanes from Greg's aunt and uncle, who she bonded with over their shared interest in never throwing anything away.

Greg's uncle is either a trans man or a woman disguised as a man for whatever reason.

In a human AU, Amethyst would be ace.

 

Gihren Zabi won almost two dozen gardening and landscaping awards, under a pseudonym to ensure fair judging.

Kai Shiden's parents met after a drag race, when his dad pulled his mom away from a cop's broken-nosed face.

 

Both Kanaya and Porrim would drink variously colored juices and pretend they were blood.

 

Harry Tribeca runs a betting pool on when Victoria Dahlgrun and Sieglinde Jeremiah will figure out that their deeply obvious love for each other is requited. Els Tasmin ensures no one sabotages anything.