Alright so. I like to play those weird as shit games aimed at kids sometimes. Those weird knockoff sites full of weird as shit games that stomp all over Disney copyrights, usually, you know the type. I love them when the mood strikes, and honestly they are the simplest things to play and yet THE WEIRDEST THINGS I'VE EVER SEEN SOMETIMES.. I wanted to make a place for myself to live blog them now and then, and to invite others to do the same if they so please.
ETA: game link [X] I played one with a zombie Rapunzel and was like, ok, what else. This is a more gruesome version of a makeover game, was gross without being scarring, tiny me would have approved. Then I found Rapunzel Resurrection Emergency on the main page alongside makeovers and stuff. Spoiler: HILARIOUSLY INCORRECT MEDICAL SHIT. Elsa’s a doctor I guess. Things were fine, Rapunzel was chill, then suddenly she fucking crashes and flat lines. FLAT LINES. WITHIN TEN SECONDS OF A GAME AIMED AT TEENSY BABS. FUCKING. DEAD. RIP BITCH. ENTIRE GAME WAS DOING CHEST COMPRESSION AND GIVING HER OXYGEN AND SHIT. THEN I HAD TO FUCKING SHOCK HER. -I HAD TO ELECTRIFY THE MOTHERFUCKER-, THIS GAME IS AIMED AT LITTLE KIDS AND I HAD TO USE THE DAMN PADDLES TO SHOCK HER. Hair foofed and unfoofed but EVENTUALLY she decided to come back to life. Good for her, hope she has insurance. Level 2 once she stopped being dead was: give her iv fluids, take a Dr. Mario pill, have a glass of water and she was A-OK again. (Somehow. The heartbeat was erratic looking and the screen said 100/65 which is making me go 8///// but it’s a game for kiddos, I will Deal.) The broken link in the game promised that next time, ELSA was gonna crash and Anna was going to have to pull a medical degree out of her ass to bring her back to the land of the living. It’s 1am and I can’t stop laughing like a fucking hyena over these fucking games, oh my sweet lord.
I counter with a Vinesauce playlist from Joel, because his hyena screech fills me with glee and mirrors my own on the bootlegs.
ETA: link to game [X] Game #2 of the night: a tanning booth game for Elsa. Spoiler: Nothing bad, just weird as shit to me. Simple start: pick a swimsuit. Puts on the swimsuit. Step 2: CUT HER FUCKING JEWELRY OFF WITH A FUCKING BOLT CUTTER. Ear rings, necklace, bracelets, ring, doesn't matter. Snip fucking snip. Step 3: Sha.. shave her? Shave the legs. Electric razor, shavey shavey. Step 4: Shaving lotion, for that Just Buzzed Shine. Step 5: MORE LOTION. But you don't get to rub it. You apply it. Then later watch disembodied hands rub it on her. I'm. Step 6: Big sunglasses. Bitch this is a tanning bed, you will get raccoon marks. Step 7: Cook the queen gently, but it doesn't matter how dark you want her, she will come out after a brief broil. No raccoon marks. Step 8: So as to not lose moisture, oil your freshly cooked bird. Step 9: Apply a.. ...a glittery tattoo of some kind somewhere. There is no tramp stamp. I've been robbed. Step 10: Profit, apparently.
ETA: link to game [X] Game 3, I am on a roll. Elsa and Rapunzel Pregnant BFF's. Wow, I should mention music too. The ripped music is a Big Thing. "Love is an open door" is playing in the BG here on like, a flute or some kind of wind instrument. Let's see wtf is up. Spoiler: Pregnancy chatter, obv. Okay, standing around in cute dresses after saying HIIII. ... Everyone gets a vitamin. Very pill like instead of Dr. Mario brand, the quack. Eat the fucking carrot, Elsa. EAT. THE CARROT. Rapunzel, stuff a fucking watermelon down your face, apparently. Yes. Inhale it, don't chew, just take bites and swallow. Belly headphones for baby music... and.. -wow- that is creepy ass music. I wanna say harpsichord but I'm prolly wrong. It sounds old and creepy and WHY WOULD YOU SHOVE THAT AT A FETUS. Oh. Dress up stage. Score. What frilly monstrosity will I get to shove onto these poor ladies who are about to fucking bust, I hope something soft and comfortable, those dresses looked awful. I ju- Nope, big poofy formal dresses with no support, capes, unknown height shoes, necklaces and fancy styled hair. Get these bitches a fucking chair before they fall over, holy shit. THEY'RE SMILING I GUESS IT WAS A HAPPY ENDING, BUT THE OUTFITS ARE HIDEOUS AND THEY LOOK DEAD IN THE EYES. The ads on the side for other games show a LOT of pregnant games, and I've noticed this trend. I think the designers of these types of games have a fetish, ngl. Don't ask me to explain what that means for the Nose Doctor game.
ETA: Link to game [X] Game 4. I love the emergency games, but this one was pregnancy + emergency combo, and it looked.. Well. I didn't think it'd be like this. So far it's already surprising and I just started. Idk if the music is a rip, it sounds generic repetitive piano tune. Outfit is actually kinda cute?? They took the formal dress Anna wears and made it into a swimsuit/bra kind of off the shoulderish top and stripey pumpkin pants, I'd wear that as underoos, dang. Spoiler: Bit of blood and junk. "wipe the blood.pus using tissue" .... wat. Nose, both eyes, cheek, and a spot on her arm apparently? ... Ew?? WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU ROLLING IN BEFORE COMING TO THIS PLACE. Wait this looks like a bedroom. WHAT WERE YOU -DOING-?? Home visit for this? What the shit is going on. Heartbeat. Normal. A-ok. Good times. "Remove the wooden nails." .... WHAT. DID. YOU. DO. oh my god they're in deep too and she makes a face when you remove them and oh my god this game is for little kids, this weirdness just keeps coming back home, holy shiiiiit. Apply the cream. Oh, good, no more stigmata. bandaids fix everything. But judging from her face they hurt?? But the following injections don't at all, no reaction, she's stoned. x-ray time YOU JUST SEE HER BONES, AND THE BREAKS IN THEM, BUT THE BABY IS IN FULL COLOR AND SHAPE AND FORM JUST HANGING OUT NEAR HER LAP. I'M SCREAMING.. AH, YES, BANDAGES, CREPE BANDAGES FOR THE MULTIPLE FRACTURES, YES, NEVERMIND WE JUST X-RAYED THE MUTANT BABY. All's well that ends well and you got to pick the color of the bandaids and bandages, but holy shit that was a weird combo game..
Are you sure you're playing games for kids???? And not, like, adults with medical and dress-up fetishes?
@mazarinedrake These are all aimed at little kids. I googled "games for kids frozen" and got a ton of hits, but went with this one. It's got an "Excellent" rating of 96% with Child Safety, and a 66% trustworthyness because you can't block the ads without the games not loading. The description of the site is: Unless it's like. Legit Disney site, or Nick site, there's a surprising number of games in this vein. I've got a Stomach Virus game I'm playing rn for #5. It's a hoot and a half to pass time this way, even the "normal" ones are weird as fuck.
The internet is stranger and more disturbing than I could ever have imagined... I just really have to wonder how actual kids would respond to the content you're describing. I'm pretty sure I'd have lost my shit when I was in Frozen's target audience. XD
xD I was a strange kid, I prolly would have loved it. They're all happy endings and some are very silly, but oh fuck are some weird. The bootleg Barbie games are off the fucking wall, too, but Frozen is such A Thing there's a -ton- of random games with them slapped all over it. Another site had a surprising number of Jack Frost x Elsa games as well.
eta: link to game [X] Game #5 is an Elsa Stomach Virus game. Different art style, there's actually proof someone drew something instead of tracing, cool. Spoiler: Medical turned Makeover Ultrasound. ... Ok. Yes, tummy ache and went to the doctor which meant scene change to.. the same scene she was in before. But now with a Magical Ultrasound. this place got a hell of a tech boost, kudos. Looks fine enough. Oxygen. Okay, give her some gas, let her chill, prolly stres- she fell asleep, that's not oxygen, that's fucking gas, I just knocked this motherfucker unconscious holy shit. No IV, no nothing, just KOed, at least it wasn't a fucking rag and ether. What is that, wtf, did I just start a keyhole surgery?? What the fuck is going on. What. I. WHAT?? THERE ARE ANGRY LITTLE MONSTERS IN THERE, WHAT IS HAPPENING. ... I JUST USED A METAL PICK TO REMOVE THE MONSTERS. AND WASHED OUT BACKED UP STUFF FROM THE OUTLINE OF INTESTINES I THINK?? Idk it was gunk and it has been washed. I just snipped off a chunk of her intestine and replaced it. I. I just used scissors, snipped off the bad bit and put a new piece on like macaroni, w t f is this. SHE HAD A STOMACH ACHE, THERE WERE MONSTERS AND NOW ORGAN ALTERATION. Scanned her stomach and there were more monsters and gunk, which I operated on from the outside with.. dental equipment I'm starting to think. A pick and a washer thing. SHE SURVIVED, TIME FOR A MAKEOVER, TEE HEE. Paint on that eyeliner, you're a trained surgeon, obviously you can do wings. Time to get dressed up, swap out your hair, and wear fancy items. AND YOU CAN PRINT IT OUT AFTERWARDS. idk man, I guess I can respect her for getting outpatient surgery at home then slaying on the catwalk in the same day. takes more snowballs than I have. Makes me wonder what kind of drugs the queen would have access to tho, which is another kettle of fish.
ETA: Link To Game [X] There are two identical games on the site, but the one I played was this one. The other version, Kristoff is there from the beginning. We hit cross-fandom shipping with a Jelsa wedding kiss game, Jackpot. (yay puns.) Spoiler: Stealth Smoochies vs Nosy Assholes FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT ... The entire point of the game is confusion. It's very simple. Apparently they just got married, and you're supposed to have them kiss without getting caught kissing by Anna. (always the bridesmaid, never the bride~) ... KISSING AT YOUR WEDDING IS ILLEGAL, THIS IS THE SHIPPING POLICE, UR ALL GOING TO JAIL YOU FUCKING MEMERS The levels repeat, and Anna apparently gets more and more pissy every time you successfully orgasm. I'm assuming that's what's happening. There's a massive heart that grows bigger and bigger, and flowers are blooming behind two ice-based characters, and Anna goes all gray toned and pissy looking in her tacky pillbox hat. Kristoff joins in, looking godawful in his outfit, and Anna is applying layer after layer of makeup. (always the bridesmaid, never the bride~) NOSY MOTHERFUCKERS, STOP CREEPING ON THEM AND BEIN' FUCKING PRUDES, GOD DAMN. ... Oh. Ok. There's no level 5. Level 4 being beaten = They got married. Being caught kissing your fiancee, at your wedding, is illegal and you will go to jail and never get married apparently.
ETA: Link to game [X] Same website. Went to the Cooking Games section and clicked something called Perfect Hot Dog. I already see my next game in the sidebar and I'm dying. Hoo boy, here we go. (also Nate's giggling like a fiend and just went to bed, and is repeatedly demanding I put this shit on youtube sometime. the idea is tempting, I run off at the mouth far faster than I type.) Spoiler: Benign but confusing. Supermarket. ... buns. Okay. Cu-. ...cucumber. Eggs. Tomato, lettuce, salt, oil.. mustard, hot dogs, ketchup. I'm buying pre-made. wtf is the rest of this garbage for. Chopped the shit out of the cabbage, it's smaller than I'd use in dumplings. Sized up tomato, cucumber, sliced open the buns.. raw egg + salt + oil + tiny shredded cabbage pieces = ...... something. boiled the hot dogs. ok. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. you're forced to follow the directions. The hot dog has lettuce (???) the raw egg + cabbage thing (?????????????????????), mustard, ketchup, tomato (????) and cucumber (??????????????????) on it. Apparently if you don't question it, you win. Follow the system to victory and a waste of ten bucks at the grocery store on this piece of shit.
ETA: I think someone got it taken down from this specific site, or SOMETHING happened because while trying to find the link for this game, I got hit with a fat load of Nada. NOPE NEVERMIND I FOUND IT - [x] So, spotted this during hotdog game, it's called Slaughter of Chicken Fun. It's a thanksgiving game apparently. There's an ad so I can't see yet, but I already heard running, a woman scream, and the sound of squirting blood before merry music played. Spoiler: PETA CHICKEN .. wait. WAIT WAIT OH MY FUCKING GOD IT'S THE PETA GAME. THEY HAVE THE COOKING MAMA PETA GAME ON THIS SITE AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAA I'M GOING T FUCKING SCREAM, THEY HAVE THE PETA GAME ON HERE, IN THE COOKING SECTION, OH MY FUCK THIS IS ACTUALLY REALLY GRUESOME AND ON PURPOSE THEY HAVE THE PETA GAME ON HERE, I'M LAUGHING SO HARD, BUT AT THE SAME TIME THE POOR KIDS WHO FIND THIS PIECE OF SHIT. eta: peta turkey has chicken STDs apparently and I'm p sure whoever made this has never cooked a thing in their life.
I physically cannot beat this Superb Lasagna game. It's requiring very accurate movements that are giving my wrist problems, and I have no idea wtf they want me to do about the butterflies. I've died twice. I am amused that kiddy games have two settings: easy as fuck, or EXTREMELY ACCURATE RATIO REQUIRED http://gamebaby.com/my-superb-lasagna
Back on the horse now, went to a new site with the same search info, with the same Frozen twist. I think I'll see about Barbie after this, because lbr: the bitch has everything. Elsa Throat Doctor. ETA: Link to game [X] Spoiler: icky things I'm seeing the same game company: Agnes Games. I've seen this name crop up a lot, but I can't remember which was which. Let's see.. The music is pretty nice?? It's like. A remix of Let It Go, but not the big part: just the angsty beginning with a heavier beat on top of it while tune is in piano. Opening image is. Kinda grody. Popped the music off though, because it's either off or on and it was kind of loud for me. Seriously, wtf is up with this weird Forcefully Hold Her Mouth Open frameworks, this is so awkward, seeing these monsters in her mouth even from the opening screen. Stop blowing gremlins, Elsa. Okay so.. QTip on the green slime. Lots of lag at random, must be pretty goddamn heavy goo, looks like gak. Tweezers to take out fluttery things. there's no click mechanic, I got confused for a second, you have to HOLD the tweezers and then release them on top of what you want done, then repeat. More cleaning. ...Dra-. ...Draining abscesses?? I'm pretty sure I just drained fucking abscesses, there's a syringe and the thing is pulling OUT not pushing IN and the things are disappearing. Sick. More zooming and repeating: tinier monsters on the uvula and apparently a magical cream to make more sores disappear. Mind you, she is wide the fuck awake during this. No numbing, no nothing. Just forcefully open mouth and dealing with me punching around her uvula. Oh. Okay, she's all better now. No makeover scene, I'm surprised!
FIRST FUCKING BARBIE GAME ON THE LIST, SAME SITE: KEN LEAVES BARBIE. Oh my god, here we go, let's see the trainwreck. (interrupted by an ad for an old folks home. like the last site, adblocker = can't play the games. it's a short hiccup.) ETA: Link to game [X] Spoiler: Strange as fuck kids game, but good ending. Apparently we have to get her back on her feet (so she can go date one of her friends instead and embrace her inner pansexual. I fucking hope. The music is so fucking -sad-. You have to start by clicking the tiles, and the first one is him actually leaving. MOTHERFUCKER BROKE UP WITH HER OVER TEXT. FUCKING. TEXT. And lame ass reasoning, too. Barbie, I'm leaving you.... WHY KEN, WHY?!?! (emoji's aren't something I'm used to on phones, but there's a broken heart, a blueish face and crying) You're not the one I fell in love with anymore... (another emoji, looks like closed eye sweating?) Dick. AND IT SHOWS HER ALONE IN THE DARK THEN. With like, empty packages of stuff near her and just hugging her knees in the dark, Ken you douchebag, she deserves so much more than you. The name of the game pops up between selections and it's kind of jarring really to see KEN LEAVE'S BARBIE in big flowery words after that. Actual game starting. She's covered in huge zits, raccoon eyes from crying, hasn't done her eyebrows, red eye, generally looks like a hurricane hit her. Clean off the makeup, promise to make it all better, shhhhh. Then I wa- ... WaX HER FUCKING UPPER LIP, WITH THE GIGANTIC ZIT JUST CHILLIN' THERE. OK. UH. I GUESS THERE'S A REALISTIC REASON TO CRY NOW, I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THE HAIR. ShhhHhhhHhhhhhh Eyedrops. Ok. Good. No more scratchy eyes. Lemme just POP YOUR FUCKING PIMPLES FOR YOU. Aaaand fix the lips.. Pluck them brows. Aww she smiles now! Sad music is still go tho. Stage 3- Leg Waxing. SHE WEARS WHITE AND PINK SUPERMAN UNDIES. OKAY THAT'S CUTE AS SHIT THO?? fucking ouch on the legs, but ok. Soothy cream afterwards, good, nice, looks soothing. ... HAVE YOU BEEN CLIMBING TREES WITH YOUR TOENAILS? LIKE. BY SHOVING YOUR TOENAIL INTO THE WOOD AND CRAWLING UP LIKE A CRYPTID?? THE FUCK IS THIS GROWING HERE. CLIP THAT SHIT OFF. Stage 4 - Paint that makeup on. Fuck yeah. Stage 5- Get dressed. Not much selection, you click through to the progressive awfulness. :/ Man, lame outfits are my bane on dressup things.. Final Stage- GO TO THE CLUB AND APPARENTLY PARTY LIKE A ROCKSTAR WITH THE GIRLS. I don't see any dude outlines. Ken is long gone, which lucky lady will sweep Barbie off her feet? WEIRD ASS GAME BUT.. I will say this: at least they didn't shove them back together. They didn't. They didn't make her get pretty to win the guy who dumped her back. 10/10 for that alone.
Trying to pop up a game called Other Age about princess trying to find her prince. Got an unskippable ad about the dangers of dip (chewing tobacco) THAT BASICALLY INVOLVED A TENTACLE TRYING TO GET INTO THE GUYS MOUTH AT A MOVIE THEATER?? THE SHIT? ETA: Link to game [X] Cute anime-ish style, simple layout, no way to mute the loud ass music tho so 8/ Spoiler: WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES You wind up picking out things in this LUV LUV machine. And aside from info about yourself and preferences, you pick things for the guy, too. I went with a strong guy who's taller than me since normally that's not what I pick in games. Honorable mention is this menu set to pick from tho: He can use magic. He must have weird hobby. He must have a sad past. Alright. And.. THE FUCK IS THIS FOOL?? mR. NOBODY. MR. NOBODY IS HERE, AND HE IS A FUCKING GOON, HOLY SHIT. MORE LOVELY DIALOGUE OPTIONS. I am spying on your gorgeous poses! No, don't come near me! Talk to me or DIE!!! I said "Don't come near me" and he said "Oh! you are such a shy lady! Don't worry, you know you love me!" And if you continue to flap negatively you go on a date. I AM SO CONFUSED.. LIKE. IT'S HILARIOUS, BUT OH MY GOD. WHAT. WHAT IS THIS SHIT. THE FUCK IS THIS. Can I date the mage instead, they're a babe, damn. Went with the library and the dude went NAH I KNOW SOMEWHERE MORE ROMANTIC. THE OPTION. OH MY GOD THE MENUS. "How do you like it princess?" oh! Of course! My prince!! Daddy!! Save me!! Last warning, get away from me!!! I don't like him so I kept hitting the GO FUCK YOURSELF options, and she suddenly put on boxing gloves and I'm getting to punch the fuck out of this loser. You have to hit fast "....or else" apparently. .... THE OR ELSE IS THAT YOU'RE STUCK WITH HIM FOREVER. AND THEN YOU GET MARRIED. OH MY GOD. One star difficulty level, I'm thinking of trying this again and seeing if I don't fuck up the fight.
I'M CONTINUING THAT GAME. OKAY. LET'S SEE. Spoiler: Managed to beat it! No matter what you pick, you get the nutcase. He pushes all your boundaries and won't take no for an answer. I managed to beat the fight by following the prompts fast enough, and KOed him. Mage bitches that I'm supposed to DATE them, not DEFEAT them when the dad is praising "defeating the lunatic". The dude was indeed off his fucking rocker. He's saying we should celebrate my first win. I like him. They declare the day a national holiday, and my character dances with boxing gloves. Top star ending. Apparently aside from the creeper there is no dating, there is no nothing else. You use a machine to find love, get a fucking creep, DESTROY HIM, get a national holiday, and continue on your merry way. Best princess.
