sorry i don't make the rules: ridiculous/lighthearted headcanons

prospit = soft g
derse = hard g

evidence: i'm prospit and i say it jif.

 

no you have to say it with a spanish accent

hiff

 

POKÉMON GO:

BETA KIDS

• John: Ridiculously OP tag team of a Gengar and a Pigeot. John what kind of combination even is that. The kind where he planned on Ghost types but kept getting Pidgeys. Took his first gym on accident.
• Jade: THE BIGGEST GROWLITHE. All the Eeveelutions. All of them. On the first try. Did not need to use the hack to get them.
• Dave: Refuses to admit how long he spent tromping around heavily lured and incensed PokeStops in circles to get his Jigglypuff or his Clefairy. Has been accused of using his turntables to hatch eggs. (This is slander.)
• Rose: Definitely was not skulking around in the local graveyard at 2am, has no idea how her PokeDex has gotten filled with Ghost types. The Tentacruel genuinely just showed up in her room.

ALPHA KIDS:

• Roxy: Collects exclusively "cute" PokeMon. However, every last one will wreck. your. shit. Especially her Persian, obvs named Meowtini
• Dirk: Spent more time hunting his first Ponyta than Dave's JigglyJeff and SweetFairy combined. Stopped actively collecting shortly after to build it a body because he has learned nothing.
• Jane: Has held not one but two gyms for three weeks running and still going strong. Named her entire team after baked goods. Her Muk, Ganache, will destroy everything you love.
• Jake: Was genuinely distressed that there's no "Release" option. As a result, has like, 30 Pidgeys and 25 Rattata. May be persuaded to transfer one if he can find a Cubone.

Now someone else do the Trolls

 

Me and a friend of mine decided there's a publishing house in the RH-verse which writes what are essentially smutty RPF romance novels with the names and details changed juuust enough that they won't get, like, executed. They've turned slash fic of the powers behind the throne (who are both rather bishie and may actually be a couple) into a cottage industry. Unbeknownst to said powers, the queen whose throne they're the power behind reads it, and occasionally when she's staring speculatively at one of them it's because she's trying to figure out which one is the uke and which one is the seme IRL, because the fic can't agree on who tops.

 

Due to a post that was on my dash this morning, I decided that Widowmaker from Overwatch takes hour-long showers.

 

My own personal Pokemon AU headcanon - irl, we have two cats that my brother and I picked out as kittens. In Pokeverse, I picked a zigzagoon and my brother picked a purrloin, mostly because I wanted something fluffy to make friends with but he wanted to be seen as a Serious Pokemon Owner even though neither of us had interest in going on our full quest.

16 years later, Lupin is still a great lump of a lvl 60+ fluffy stripe monster with a beautiful Everstone collar (she never wanted to evolve and isn't ever going to) and uses her Pick Up ability to... interesting effect. Once she Picked Up a bottle of blowing-bubbles and I had to take her to the Centre to make her stop hiccuping. Tiger's a monster of a lvl 100+ Liepard who mostly sleeps in our zucchini patch and gives the evil eye to any passing challengers. Once a passing trainer tried to catch her. It...didn't end well for anyone involved.

(I am trash. I also have daemon headcanons, gemcanons, and various other AUs ^^;;;)

 

If we're getting into AUs of ourselves, my sibling is known in our friend group as Official Bestower of Daemons, and self-identifies as having an octopus worn as a hat and kept moist with a watering can they carry everywhere. :::PPP

 

Oh god, I am exactly That Guy in my social group. (I have a spotted hyena, and my two best friends have a hamster and an african grey parrot - their partners have a pouched rat and a bosc monitor, respectively. My mum has a lemur, and my brother has a tawny owl XD)

 

Daemons are great and I'm pretty sure I would have the laziest cat daemon who curls around my feet while I'm working.

 

I know the movie just came out, so I'll keep it in a spoiler

Spoiler: Ghostbusters 2016

Kevin, the ditzy receptionist? He's Thor. Somewhere some wires got crossed and he got banished to the Ghostbusters universe instead of the MCU, and frankly he's enjoying the vacation from family politics. Most of his baffling behavior is just him trying to "blend" in with this strange planet.

 

Twilight Sparkle has sequenced her own DNA at least twice. Once out of general scientific curiosity, and once after she became an Alicorn and wanted to see if anything had changed on the genetic level.

One of the side characters in Suikoden III is Louis Keeferson, a 15-year-old squire who looks about ten. I am firmly convinced that the boy listens at doors and makes good use of his baby-face to feign innocence when caught. (Especially because there's one or two things in-game that he asks about that he really shouldn't know about, unless he was spying on his knight-master. =P)

 

Canon: Susan Sto Helit and Angua von Uberwald drink in the same bar. Headcanon: Angua is always really, really confused trying to figure out what the hell it is that Susan smells like. (Is it bones? It kinda smells like really, really old bones. So old it doesn't make her inner wolf slobber. But it's not quite bones?)

 

There is a thriving underground barter market among the jaegercorps. Skills are very valuable, especially sewing/mending skills. Darning a guys socks will get you almost anything.

 

(While historically most soldier new how to sew and knit out of necessity, I can imagine claws get in the way for many of them. Hard to fix stuff if you keep cutting the threads with your fingers)

 

Holy shit apparently there's actual color-based fortunetelling in canon.

If anyone is curious:
Yellow=well-mannered and gentle

Tea-like yellow=calm and simple (?)
Gold yellow = pride in things you inherited from others (???translations. Being proud of your family counts apparently.)​

White=abundant natural talent
Orange= passionate
Pink=innocent and straightforward
Purple=deeply affectionate, responsible
Light blue= positive and bright
Green=kind and gentle
Blue=serious
Black/grey=knowledgeable and intelligent

Multicolored=supposedly 'lively and active' but almost certainly actually 'oh God please don't kill me your majesty what do you want me to do.' Since rainbow magic was the hallmark of the longest lasting, most powerful royalty in the previous age.

 

I know, but we didn't hear the song he himself banished them with.

Ford makes most things harder than they need to be and it's entirely possible that harmony wasn't required, but since it works, he assumed that it was.

I have to believe this because I am personally absolutely convinced that Ford loves the Dead and plays 12 string guitar, also have you heard his voice actor sing?

Fiddleford McGucket grows the best weed on the planet. Ford dropped shit tons of acid because all the parapsychologists in the 70s ACTUALLY DID. He was convinced that drugs were for losers till he got to Backupsmore and Fidds turned him out.

Pretty sure they banged in a van at a Dead show once. Not sure it actually belonged to either one of them.

 

Ford is demisexual in that he is only strongly attracted to people with whom he feels a strong intellectual and emotional connection. When it comes over him he is completely overwhelmed by the intensity.

He doesn't know how to handle it when it hits him.

It doesn't matter once the emotional and intellectual bond forms if the other party is male, female, other, human, humanoid or completely alien. Sapience and understanding are all that matters. He likes the xeno, but it's not his kink. He just does not care what package a beautiful mind comes in.

Unless, you know, they secrete acid, or something.

That was...frustrating.

 

It is the fault of skittlestew on Tumblr that I believe Ford loves thylacines. And also that I fell in love with them. And also that there is a pack of them in Weirdmageddon Tango.

 

Additionally, the thylacine depicted by skittlestew is named Cordelia in Weirdmageddon Tango.

Ford was very confused when Wendy Corduroy named the melanistic thylacine Cordelia decided to take as a mate "Aral" because those books weren't out yet in 1982.

 

Mentioned it in the TF thread but it really goes here: Starscream likes earth muscials.