sorry i don't make the rules: ridiculous/lighthearted headcanons

For @Acey: Ford missed out on TMBG but I'm quite sure Dipper has fixed this.

 

Mabel's illegally had a Ravelry account since she was 9. If she ever stops posting sweaters for more than a week they're going to call the police because she must be dead.

 

Zacharie acts like he's such a connoisseur, but really, meat is meat no matter what part of the fountain it came from. The Judge disagrees.
(Valerie prefers eating birds to continue listening to them)
The Queen started the whole mess by trying to implement colours in the world, but that sort of did not quite work out. She would've gotten it right with a bit of time, geez, no need to bleach it all down again, Batter.

Cyclonus memory goes way back, and he still remembers the assorted people he went to university with, from the person who knew the library by spark to the mech who sold banned substances under the table to pay for his education. (Cyclonus has also sampled just about every hallucinogenic substance under the sun in his university years. He's seen it all, and is unfazed.)

Jones is fluent in cat. It might come form being an entity as old as earth, but while she is also fluent in dog, horse, pigeon, and starfish, speaking cat apparently comes more naturally.
Khepi was alive in Jeanne's time, but was very young. Jeanne's Anwyn lover was her older brother. She remembers the night her brother left and did not return, but she dislikes speaking about it.
Antimony loves sweets of any kind, but bitesized ones are her favourite - they can easily be smuggled along in pockets and snacked on, and she didn't have much of a chance for indulging when she was still living in Good Hope. Part of her process of coming out of her shell in the court was an increased consumption in sweets.
Kat builds sandwiches like a spark. They are works of art to behold.

Isabelle is a psychopomp. She acts like a secretary to the mayor of a perfectly normal little town by the sea, but she somehow also manages to wedge in some time to wrangle ghosts. The town itself is perfectly normal.

Naruto's natural hair colour is red. He bleaches it blonde so he looks more like his father.
Hinata has befriended the whole village, and especially the old crones and matriarchs who have more power than they let on having. Her "replacement" with Hanabi is met with summary resistance. Hiashi is confused, and Hinata sighs, and takes Hanabi for a tour. The old crones and matriarchs are quite taken with her, but would still rather see Hinata as head of Hyuuga House.
Neji would love nothing more than to just go to far-off, unexplored places, and explore. Take a few pictures, speak with the locals, and return every year for holiday season. Since he currently can't do that, he just wistfully reads adventurer journals, which he hides in his pillow.

 

MORE?? WHY THE FUCK NOT.

• Mabel fully intends on going to art school someday. She's something of an artistic prodigy, actually--I think that part's at least somewhat canon, given her skill at knitting and sculpting.
• Dipper is a straight-A student, and puts a ton of effort into studying. Mabel's grades are nowhere near as good, but they probably could be if she put in the work; she just doesn't find most schoolwork interesting enough to focus on!
  
• Sollux listens to a lot of weird electronic music.
• Seconding @cryptoThelematrix on Dipper being a huge TMBG fan. (Actually, didn't Alex Hirsch say something about that?) He'd also love Jonathan Coulton and other nerdy stuff.
  
• Amethyst is super into music in general. Her favorite genres are rap (which is Michaela Dietz's headcanon) and metal, but she listens to a lot of everything. She also plays the drums (canon!) and she and Greg used to have a lot of jam sessions. Greg actually got her into a lot of bands she likes.
  
• Since Garnet plays the keytar, it would make sense for one of her components to play guitar and the other to play keyboard--probably Ruby and Sapphire respectively.
• Dave's iPhone actually contains more music than it does apps or anything else.

Wow most of these wound up being musical, oops. XD

 

Rodimus dances to memetically terrible songs from earth in his underwear in his office sometimes.

 

Honestly, had stuff not gone the way it did, Drift and Rodimus would've started a garage band.
Rodimus is lead vocals and lead guitar, Drift is backup vocals and bass, but honestly, Drift has the nicer voice. Nautica joins them with the drums, and Velocity at the keyboard.
No one can beat Tailgate in a dance-off. He's simply the best there is.

 

Dipper loves all the nerdcore.

And he also likes sappy pop songs. However he won't descend to the Sev'ral Timez level.

 

Ford also likes Yes and a lot of other prog rock (strongly suspect he likes old Genesis, old Pink Floyd & Rush) and he is one of the few people I "know" who has actually listened to the entirety of Tales from Topographic Oceans, all four sides. (He's also aware that the fourth side is incredibly Tantric). There are also several references in canon to Mike Oldfield's music (best known for Tubular Bells) connected with him, particularly "Ohmadawn" which you see on the pinboard when he and Dipper are gaming; this is a reference to the Oldfield album "Ommadawn" which is an epic fantasy piece.

(I am younger than Ford, but not by as much as most of the rest of you and I listened to these bands and it's hilarious when 13 year olds on Tumblr have slap fights over whether Ford and Stan liked the Beatles or the Stones because those are the only bands they can think of that the Stans could have listened to.)

Ford doesn't give a shit about either of those two. I think Stan probably kinda likes the Stones. But Stan was totally into disco. He still owns and wears the fucking leisure suit in Stanchurian Candidate, where he basically is dressed like Leisure Suit Larry at the diner.

Let's be honest; Stan was a disco lounge lizard because that was the way to get laid in the 70s and early 80s. He could easily have been one of the dudes I went to gay clubs to avoid when I was a teenager...

 

Junkrat's mom was a trapper. She made lures and snares and traps of all shapes and sizes, kept them in meat and pilfered goods for a heafty chunck of his childhood. She was real good at misdirection, sending people edging around dismantling obvious traps to lure them away from the good stuff. Wasn't really his mom, biologically. She was just barely out of childhood herself when he was with her, but she took him in when she didn't have to and feeling safe is intrinsically linked with her memory, and he figures if that ain't what a mom is he's not sure he's got much use for the concept.

A good chunk of the Austrialian Liberation Front was comprised of Aboriginals who were none too pleased with the idea of some rich white men from halfway across the world handing off their land like it was nothing.

Mei is a trolllord supreme.

Zenyatta is acutely aware of how young he is and sometimes finds himself puffing and posturing to keep folks from realizing his relative inexperience. Sometimes he says stuff that doesn't really mean anytjing and just robo sweats for a few second waiting for someone to call him on it.

 

I saw a post earlier today suggesting that Zenyatta hangs out in D.Va's Twitch stream chat during fights. He's got a permanent internet connection, after all.

 

Cooking/food headcanons!

Stanley Pines is a pretty good basic cook. However, he did grow up in the era of disgusting jello salads and canned-soup-based casseroles, and he unfortunately likes some of those things because they make him nostalgic for his childhood. Mabel and Dipper were not best pleased by this.

Stanford Pines is very adventurous in his eating habits. (It's canon that he made sushi out of a cycloptopus.) Part of this is because he always was, and part of this is because when you are bouncing around alien dimensions all the time, you have to expand your tastes whether you like it or not. He is very, very good at figuring out what alien plants and animals can be eaten by humans without subsequent phone calls to Poison Control (which doesn't exist in most dimensions). He can cook a surprisingly good meal over an open fire. However, you would not want to depend on him to be the cook in your household, because he forgets to eat when he's doing research, which is practically always. He went through a kosher phase in his teens because he geeked out at Hebrew school but the lure of sushi in the early 80s was too strong (there is nothing about a cycloptopus that's kosher) and he got over it completely after he had to do things like eat bugs, and so forth, to survive.

Also, Ford once put weird purplish honey that he had picked up somewhere during his travels all over a peanut butter and matzoh sandwich. Unfortunately it was mind honey. (Probably from the troll ex-boyfriend from Dimension 413, or was it 612?) He wishes he could read what he scribbled all over the journal he was working in at that time. He's sure it was brilliant. (I, however, am not so sure.)

Mabel is a pretty good cook if you are willing to eat things that have glitter all over them (hopefully the kind that is intended to be eaten) and she is definitely a serial food colouring abuser. Things taste better if they're bright and shiny, don't you know?

Dipper doesn't care what he eats if he doesn't have to cook it.

(Bonus family members from WT: Valiska is an obligate carnivore and was once poisoned by a box of chocolates Ford gave her for her birthday because he didn't realise that she would binge on them. She is an absolutely terrible cook and should never be allowed to make food for humans or even other cattes, but her lack of skill is particularly obvious to species who can properly taste sugars. Getheny is a very good cook and an absolute wizard at making good meals out of whatever you can get when you're broke.)

Pacifica was inordinately proud of herself when she learned to make sandwiches, mac and cheese, and other very simple, basic foods. She had never been allowed to make her own food before and her parents used to control what she ate very closely.

 

((This is currently my favourite thread ever. Even when you guys post stuff from fandoms that I don't know it's still hilarious and awesome.))

 

Spoiler: unsanitary(lit)

Jaegers don't bathe very often because not only does it wash off pack smell, most soaps are very strong and harsh smelling which is not fun for the sensitive instrument that is the jaeger nose. (unfortunately jaeger bo is not fun for normal people noses)

Also tied to previous headcanons, soaps that have very little scent go for a lot on the underground jaeger market when it comes to jaegers who are inclined to wooing humans.

Brook from op is probably the easiest person to come out to in the straw hats. He will affirm all identities and be super chill and then try and make ridiculous puns.

Ace will eat insanely spicy things to impress people, and tells them the heat fuels his devil power. (he's lying, he's secretly dying inside and refuses to show it because he got drunk and ate a glob of wasabi the size of a fingernail once after making that claim and now he can't go back)

Nami can wrangle children like nobody's business, she would be a babysitter feared and respected if anybody would actually trust her with their kids.

Luffy would like those middle school ifunny memes and lolcats unironically
Franky would be a shitposter
Zoro would not get memes or social media

 

Re: spoiler: Signed. (My mina is only in the habit of using soap at all because sometimes a jäger medic gotta do a surgery)

 

nessus (from larry niven's known space/ringworld/of worlds series) assumed that name for his interactions with humans 'cause it starts with 'n', like his crush's assumed name, nike, does and he wanted them to match.

 

Re: cooking headcanons, Restaurant Wars has made me think that Amethyst is actually a really good cook. She has weird tastes when she's cooking for herself, but if she's told the basic ingredients that actually should be involved in something she can whip up something fantastic.

 

Everything Terezi cooks smells and tastes delicious but looks like a paint set had an accident in a pile of mashed potatoes at best.

 

Who here reads the Foreigner series?

Am I crazy to be shipping Irene with Cajeiri?

 

Nepeta undercooks meat, to the point it's even off-putting to other trolls (which I headcanon as having very tolerant/resilient digestive systems). (Does she even bother to cook it?) Karkat is super fussy about cooking and getting things right and won't let other people eat it if it doesn't turn out perfectly.

YW: Dairine can bake amazing bread but never bothers because she's got ten better things to do. Kit will take after his mom in being able to make a few things excellently and the rest kind of mehhhh. (he eats saltines with ketchup, he's a lost cause)

SMT demons love sugar.

Dungeon Meshi: Marcille is trying to learn how to make fancy pastries, but hasn't had much time recently, what with being in the dungeons all the time.

 

Lapis and Peridot have a reoccurring inside joke that's very similar to the 'Zognoid' sketch from Game Grumps, where they go do human things but act incredibly awkward and suspicious about everything and do things like "Why YES I will have your HUMAN EARTH PIZZA, as I A HUMAN likes TO DO!" and just hold pizza slices without eating it, just giggling about how ridiculous the concept of crushed plant powder-mash, curdled milk-globs, animal flesh and squashed tomato-triangles are as a snack. Occasionally punctuating with "WHO'S A GEM, I DON'T KNOW WHAT A GEM IS, I AM HUMAN YES, I GO TO THE JOB FACTORY EVERY DAY"