I have a real fucking problem with how I'm reacting to other conditions that real people suffer from

I would have spoken about this in the After Dark Skype group first, but Skype groups are still broken for me.

So I have some real sort of issue with how I'm regarding some of the disorders and conditions that people have and talk about here. The ableism in how I think about it is palpable, despite my logically understanding how much of a shitheel I'm being.

To be really honest about my internal mind state, I hear people talking about their conditions and there's a part of me that like... Wants to have them. Which is obviously not sensible and offensive, because these are illnesses that cause people a lot of pain and that they wish that they could escape from, and I'm looking from my place of privilege and slapping them in the face with how I feel by minimizing and glamorizing that struggle, even if they don't know because I never voice it. Mainly I'm talking about things that cause more "mental distortion". I hear people discussing their psychosis, or did, or mania or bpd or ptsd, well, any of the other things I probably (arguably creepily) hang out in threads for, and my brain makes me feel fucking jealousy. Which is disgusting, but it happens every time.

I don't know what my brain or to be more precise my underlying psychology thinks that it would get out of these things. Maybe I think that they would somehow make my struggles "bad enough" to constitute a real excuse for my ineffectuality. Maybe on some level I'm seeing psychological conditions as an escape from the reality of the world, in a similar manner to why I take drugs. Maybe I feel that these struggles will in the social circles I am now in here and on tumblr, elicit sympathy and camaraderie, integrate me into social spheres, make people like me, as well as giving me discourse brownie points. That is, of course, all total bullshit, but it's apparently do deeply engrained into me that I've caught myself in idle moments wondering if it'd be possible to artificially traumatize myself in order to instill some sort of mental damage and disorder. It's gross as hell, it's fetishization of the cause of other people's pain, but it's present throughout my thinking.

And maybe this will make it more explicable why I am always so concerned that I am faking or drumming up my own mental troubles, or even my transness, or bisexuality. Because it's not that I just discovered these troubles within myself; on some level, I want them. I want them to be hard, I want them to be obvious, I want them to be worse than they are now. And they're not. They're not that bad at all, and something in me wants more. So you see, I'm not to be trusted. I want to be and feel like I'm suffering, and drumming up mental health and identity issues, exaggerating, and allowing them to affect me more than they would if I was honestly invested in avoiding the negative effects is exactly in line with that. Do I really have depression? Am I really queer? Who fucking knows, because those identifications are questionable at best, and the limit for what I accept that I have is what I can plausibly convince myself that I have. I've convinced myself that I have much worse briefly in the past - things like DID, although I couldn't plausibly convince myself of that because it's demonstrably not true. The same could likely be the case for my "depression" and "obsession" and "being transgender" (not to say that being trans is a mental illness of course, but it can be conceptualized as a struggle, also). I'll be honest, I very likely do not fit the profiles for those things properly. I certainly did not before I actively became "interested", on a subconscious level, of convicting myself that I did. This is, if anything, why I'm a fake and a liar, like I've always said but like people always deny on good faith. I don't know to what extent those things are fake, but some or all of them might be.

Even now I'm hoping that this fucking sick desire is in and of itself proof of some sort of mental disorder (I read about something with a similar description that was a disorder somewhere, so my subconscious is desperately hoping that I am "really afflicted!", but even if that was the case it wouldn't make it any less gross). My grossness about this does not let up, and if you feel upset or unsafe now that I'm saying this, then you should, because my attitude is upsetting and fetishizing and unsafe for people who really suffer from mental health problems.

I have no idea what to do about any of this, other than be transparent now I've finally realised and admitted to myself that I have this motivation. I feel like even typing this out I can't resist on some level being manipulative and trying to evoke sympathy, or "show" that this is in fact some type of mental disorder itself by how I speak about it. My brain wants somebody to have that sympathetic reaction, but of the reaction is disgust and revulsion, then that's probably more deserved.

I'm sorry.

 

And not to mention my seizing upon ordinary phenomena like hypnagogic hallucinations or fucking birds casting shadows over me/lights flickering order to convince myself of something being wrong. Or that time I got drunk and half terrified my Tumblr followers by play-acting at DID and convincing myself that it was real. I'd condemn actual struggles upon myself as an ironic punishment, if I didn't know that that was just my brain wanting that, and also wanting dramatic public punishment that it can then showboat. It's disgusting.

 

I'm a horrible faking fetishizer and liar. Everything has been fake, even the parts that I believed. I don't deserve your sympathy.

 

What's just as fucked up is I'm - I won't say "hate myself", because that's depression-aspirationary-showboating again, but I'm upset with myself not only of the fact that I'm being grossly ableist and deceitful, but also for not actually having the disorders that I've convinced myself I've had, if those aren't real. Like being well is a failure. Same about being a cis dude, the thought of that being my actual identity is so disgusting to me that I don't know what I'll do. Which is itself also a manifestation of prejudice and purity aspiration away from being the oppressor honestly. Basically, I'm a whole fucking shitpile.

 

Okay, calm down.
Take a deep breath.

It's okay to feel this way.

No, really, it is. Let me explain.

People form a group, and you want to be in that group. That's normal. And human. And okay.


Your brain thinks that you're not worth being in the same room as someone who has it worse than you; it thinks that you're not worth talking with about your problems because how dare you be less troubled than them. "You need to be X level of fucked up to fit in here", it tells you. So it comes up with a straightforward shitty solution: "I want to have it as bad as them so I can belong here".

And then your scrupulosity kicks in and says that, since your brain came up with a shitty solution, you must be a shitty person.

You are not a shitty person. And you already do belong here. And in the DID threads. And in the psychosis threads. And in the abuse threads. And in the sex threads. And in the gender threads, and in the kink threads and in the vent threads. You are a part of our group. I know you don't feel that way at times. It is really freaking hard to fight that feeling.

Trust me, I know that feeling.

Personally, what I do. Every. Single. Fucking. Day. Is scream at my brain, over, and over, and over,
"YOU ARE ALREADY A PART OF THIS GROUP. YOU BELONG HERE. IT IS OKAY FOR YOU TO BE HERE."
until I convince it for long enough to let me post a message.

Remember that post where I said something and you said you were scared of saying it for fear of sounding creepy?
That's exactly what was happening there.

You. Belong. Here. Just as you are. With all the voice you want to have.
And if your brain tries to tell you that you're wrong, then...

I don't know. Screaming is sorta working for me, at least. But it's probably not the best of strategies.

You are trans. You are queer. Because those are more identifiers than anything else.
And you are mentally ill, because you clearly fit the description.

So yeah. You belong here. And if you ever find yourself wishing for more hardships (which I do, all the fucking time), tell yourself that you don't need those to belong in the group. That you're already a part of it. And your brain won't believe you and you just have to say it again, and again, and again, as many times as it takes.

Because it's true.
You belong here. It's okay for you to be here.

 

I am not convinced that that isn't an inaccurately sympathetic characterization of whatever I am doing but I don't feel like I can muse further without furthering a hidden agenda.

 

Weird, that's exactly how I'd have responded if I had the assholish scrupulosity you have.

Face it: Your brain is being an asshole to you.

 

Yeah, this looks like an attack of scrupulosity piranhas to me, too.

I haven't yet met a person who struggles with feelings of being a faker this badly who was actually faking.

 

Besides I'm not even sure that it would be about fitting into the group entirely even maybe just in giving me excuses to not be an effective person who has to do things

Why are people here so intent on treating me nicely anyways, it's almost enabling me. Maybe everyone could treat me like shit for a while and it'd make me buck myself up.

 

I am!! A faker though! I literally faked having DID in front of all my tumblr followers that time, even though that's something I demonstrably do not have the actual symptoms for, no matter how much I try and twist them into existence out of some sort of mental liminal space partially subconsciously!

 

Was that faking a conscious choice?

 

I have no goddamn idea! It's a distinction that has very little meaning at this point. My brain is my brain and if it fakes something it's still me faking it.

 

If you mean "did I actively say to myself 'okay let's go fake some symptoms'", then no. But on a deep level I probably understood that the "experience" wasn't actually real, and that it was more something I was creating/convincing myself of.

 

And this is why I don't have the guts to actually hurt myself, because nothing is actually wrong with me.

And I feel like no words I could use make people realise how shitty I'm really being all the time.

 

I'm even doing it now!!! I just spent a full ten seconds considering whether my doubts that I'm expressing could be schizophrenic paranoia. Even now as I denounce and deride my behavior I am still doing the shitty thing!

 

Really. Nothing is wrong with you? Nothing at all. You don't feel disgusted by your brain, you generally like the thoughts you have, you're comfortable with the way you behave... Really? Because that's what "nothing being wrong with you" means.

Wondering if your self-doubts about mental illness could be the sign of more mental illness isn't shitty. It's just not.
It's wondering. It's exploring. It's okay. It's honestly what I'd do. And there's nothing wrong with that.


(Give me an S! Give me a C! Give me an R! Give me a U! ...etc.)

I'm gonna go to bed now. I need to get some sleep.

 

Josie. It's okay to consider hypotheticals. That's not a crime or a sin. And you wouldn't be spiralling and wigging out like this if you weren't struggling with some kind of brainweasels. Like, for instance, depression and maladaptive scrupulosity.

Look: Is your distress real? Because it's not normal or healthy to be distressed by the contents of one's own brain as strongly or as often as you appear to be. You deserve support. You deserve treatment. You deserve to be treated with kindness and acceptance, including from your own self. You need these things.

ETA: What I mean by "is your distress real" is that the distress, in itself, is evidence of a problem, regardless of the possibility of self-sabotage.

 

I'm trying to convince myself of symptoms again and the habit is nauseating.

 

I hate to bring this up every time we discuss this, because I think you know already, but I really think seeing a psych professional would help you out. At the very least, they'd get you on some meds that might help you think things through without tying yourself in knots.

 

This is like the fifth time I've seen you try to make this same argument that you're somehow making yourself seem more sympathetic to hide how shitty you totally are and that's why we can't see it. I remain as unconvinced as I was the first time. I will bet actual money that I will still be unconvinced the sixth time.

Seconding seeing a professional. We can give reassurances and maybe tips, but at the end of the day (afaik) no one here is a trained mental health professional and certainly can't prescribe medication. Plus they could better help you figure out which symptoms your brain's making up and which ones you're actually experiencing.