so i'm being followed by demons: what do

Yes, this!!

 

um what the fuck where the hell did this guy get his medical degree??? incidentally, what the motherfucking hell happened to his basic human compassion????? I am so mad. >:(

 

he also texted my dad before calling me. which is, y'know, totally something you can do when your patient is a legal adult. hopefully he didn't tell him anything.

edit: also why the fuck couldn't he text me???????????? i can barely fucking process phone noises

 

What the fuck.

 

....okay, what the fuck is wrong with your psych.

 

i'm trying to find her contact info rn.

best i can come up w/ is he's used to working with kids and forgot that i wasn't one?


edit: his reasoning behind me not having to worry about it was that i was already on an antipsychotic, a sentiment he's expressed before. i bet this skepticism has to do w/ the fucked up memory thing that i was dealing w/ last year that we never figured out the cause of/went away on it's own. so it's my own fucking fault, ahahaha.

 

"you're already on an antipsychotic" is no excuse. it is clearly not working, and his skepticism, regardless of past things that have gone away on their own, is not okay.

 

If you're on an antipsychotic and it's not working, that's more of a reason to be concerned. Especially with how quickly this is escalating. Mystery memory problems aren't a reason to treat new symptoms like they're not serious.

You are strong as hell for dealing with this as well as you are. And it is not your fault that he's refusing to seriously consider the wellbeing of one of his patients. That's on his head, not yours.

 

so my gp's contact information is not in the house, is not online, is only on a card in my dad's wallet. and he's at work. i texted him, but idk if anything'll come of it before gp's office closes, though i can't even find the fucking hours online so i don't actually know if he'll be home/in a position to answer his phone before then.

i almost wanna call him back to holler at him over that and over the 'texting my dad' thing, but i have exactly one phone spoon left and i'm saving that for my gp.

i mean, it's just abilify for depression, so it's not like i had a preexisting problem of this nature. plus i have my doubts about the abilify even working on that level, to help w/ the depression. and thanks! i think i've been dealing w/ this kinda poorly, tbh, but i def could be handling it worse lmao

 

save the spoon
it is much needed

 

...okay but like
what if i'm just making this up for shiggles and don't know it
i mean i wasn't as articulate or forthcoming as i should've been when my psych called, if only because i can't fucking parse sound on the phone, but that's no goddamn excuse. maybe this is all secretly bullshit????? it sounds like bullshit. maybe i'm, like, making this happen because i don't feel fucked up enough? because what's already going on in my fucking head isn't enough? gahhh. i don't wanna waste any dr's time w/ my bull if it's not the real deal, but how do i even tell????

 

I'd say that if you were making it up, you would be aware of that. you would not be worrying about whether it was fake or not. your brain is making it up, sure, that's how psychosis works. but the shit it's throwing at you is really distressing—and would be to anybody!—and you need to find a way to alleviate that distress. please, please call your GP.

 

So assuming for the moment that you are making it up because you don't feel fucked up enough: still a problem. Still something that needs addressing. That would be an issue with maybe a slightly different solution, but it would still be a serious issue that needs way more than a "lol you'll be fine you're on an antipsychotic" in response.

(I am 99.99% positive that is anxietybrain lunging at any chance it can to make you feel bad. Because everything you've described sounds like The Real Deal, and you're distressed enough about it that it's prime for anxietybrain to sieze on.

You are almost definitely not making this up. But even if you were, that would be just as in need of attention.)

 

i'm calling her tomorrow, writing down what imma say now. got the number off my dad like five minutes after her office closed up for the day. 8')

thank you. i know i'll stop doubting myself as soon as i see or hear some bullshit again, but the spaces in between are anxietybrain's favorite time to fuck around lately. my problems are real and valid and worthy of help, though, so fuck you, brain.

i'm disappointed in my psych, to put it lightly. not surprised, exactly, but disappointed. especially w/ the 'contacting my dad before me' thing, even tho he apparently didn't mention the reason for the call. i would've put up more of a fight over the 'it's probably nothing' thing, but i can barely parse phonewords as is and it was all i could do to decipher what the shit he was sayin. i just made agreeable noises while i tried to let my brain catch up to my ears. so that's at least partially my fault.

if i tell them about this they'll never take me seriously again, ahaha. they already blame any negative emotion or unpleasant (by their standards, so any) reaction on the depression or the anxiety or the autism, i don't wanna give them more ammo for the 'tA is too incompetent to make his own decisions and his transness is prolly a mental illness thing' gunfight, they've already got plenty. and i can't actually trust them to not sabotage me, anyway, so idk why i even elaborated on that. my bf knows about this and i know him irl, and he's indicated willingness to help me out, that's abt as good as we're gonna get.

 

this is the place my insurance covers, and i straight up refuse to see the other fellow who's there. he coerced me into taking a medication i wasn't comfortable taking via threats of hospitalization, and despite my guy's shortcomings, he's never pulled shit like that on me. there'll be a new crop of baby doctors in about six months, tho. hopefully the next one'll be a bit more on top of things?

and yeah, me too. she's a nice lady, maybe she can talk to Head Psych and get her to get my bby doctor to be a bit more proactive 8)

 

what the flying fuck is wrong with this place holy shit

I mean, I'm glad you aren't with that guy anymore, because jfc.

I really, really hope you can either find a better doctor or somehow get your current one to remove his head from his ass. hugs <3

 

i think that dude confused me not wanting to take a medication that i knew would make me manic w/ not wanting to take meds at all, even tho i've always been med compliant, maybe? honestly i don't care. as jake peralta would say: cool motive, still murder.


now to run thru my script one more time and work up the balls to actually call my dr. i feel like an overly-alarmist douche for going so far as to consider contacting my gp, ahahaha.

 

You can do it! Good luck calling! :3