My Relationship with my Parents is Ruined

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by BlackholeKG, Aug 26, 2016.

  1. rigorist

    rigorist On the beach

    It seems to me the desire to find fault--expressed briefly and then walked back by the OP, and followed up aggressively by other commentators in this thread--is leading things astray.

    Fault-finding is generally an unproductive enterprise.
     
    • Like x 2
  2. BlackholeKG

    BlackholeKG I saw you making fire

    As in, finding fault with my parents?

    Are you saying that you think people are trying too hard to find fault with my parents? Because, I mean, that might make sense, and I mean, I did say that there is a certain norm on this forum... but, I mean, yeah. I don't know. That seems like it might be a valid concern. But I'm not entirely sure I parsed that right Rigs so...
     
  3. BlackholeKG

    BlackholeKG I saw you making fire

    Or do you mean, to find whose fault this is?

    What do you mean, Rigs?
     
  4. kmoss

    kmoss whoops

    I am absolutely not surprised that your parents treat you like a child, based on what I've been reading in this thread alone about how they relate to you.

    also, i asked my mom to tell me how she would respond if "we were having issues where I wasn't doing chores, was being generally kind of secretive, and was leaving for college soon", but i also told her she could take a while to think over what the DebbieParenting (TM) approach would be, as a way to kind of compare/contrast responses here. My parents and I have had issues in the past, but it's been mostly a generational thing combined with the whole "you leave for college, you change, your parents see you as the same person, and then you all have 2 hour long conversations on the phone trying to figure out each others' perspectives again"
    I'll post that if she has a chance to get back to me.
     
  5. rigorist

    rigorist On the beach

    Yes. Or, to some extent, you finding fault with yourself.
     
    • Like x 1
  6. BlackholeKG

    BlackholeKG I saw you making fire

    So, what's your perspective on this?

    Do you think people are being too quick to fault my parents? That was an initial concern of mine about something that might happen, do you believe that that is what is happening?
     
  7. BlackholeKG

    BlackholeKG I saw you making fire

    Christ, I'm such a heckin' child aren't I.

    I feel like I'm being petty and this whole thread has been about manipulating you guys into telling me that my parents are wrong even though they often aren't and despite the fact that I've been trying to make things go in the other direction, argh.

    Have you guys considered that the thing where I try and to make the discussion unbiased by defending the opposite point might in fact make you biased the other way? What if on some level I am intending this effect? Urgh
     
  8. kmoss

    kmoss whoops

    and, don't want to speak for rigs, but i think i see where he's coming from - in that this might be more complicated than "who is in the wrong", and that people are Complicated.

    As an addition, I don't think one person is ever 100% at fault for something, because - well, for one, we're products of our environment & genetics - and that usually there is a problem in a relationship where the burden of carrying the relationship is entirely one person's.
    but i also think that people ought to be consistently trying to improve themselves, and that's also not a burden that should belong to any one person.

    The "what percentage of fault" thing earlier, doesn't work, because people are different and complicated. it's possible that one person may do something because they've had good experiences with it, and does not understand that the other person has had negative experiences. the first person isn't Bad, nor is the second Good. We have different ways of dealing with things.

    I know that I am personally more harsh on your parents because in any case where there is what seems like a power imbalance, the person with more power ought to be more conscious of how they affect other people. it seems apparent that you take what your parents say and seem to think about you very much so to heart, and that it affects your self esteem

    - if that makes sense
     
    • Like x 2
  9. BlackholeKG

    BlackholeKG I saw you making fire

    I need to get better and do more things but I don't know how or if I could consistently and-

    I don't want to.

    I suppose that that's the core of how I'm being bad here.
     
  10. BlackholeKG

    BlackholeKG I saw you making fire

    Surely if I really cared about my parents in the way I should, I would want to do more things than I do already. But I don't! So, in that respect, I am an asshole.

    Is this going to taint my life, my asshole-ness?
     
  11. rigorist

    rigorist On the beach

    Are your parents willing to engage in some family counseling with you and them?

    It seems to me that everyone here is trying and failing to solve various problems and that there is a big breakdown in communications. Still, it also seems there is a reservoir of goodwill.

    Come to think of it, it's more like you need a mediator to assist in communication rather than counselor.
     
    • Like x 5
  12. BlackholeKG

    BlackholeKG I saw you making fire

    That wouldn't work, it's not something they'd want to try in any capacity, plus they don't want to have a back and forth group problem solve they just want me to behave better, because That Is The Problem (for them at least???).
     
  13. rigorist

    rigorist On the beach

    Are you the oldest child?
     
  14. BlackholeKG

    BlackholeKG I saw you making fire

    Of four, yes.
     
  15. rigorist

    rigorist On the beach

    But you're not really opposed to that as far as I can tell. It's more like they don't know how to communicate that to you without it sounding bad. And likewise, you are having problems telling your parents their methods are having the opposite effect of what they intend.
     
    • Like x 3
  16. kmoss

    kmoss whoops

    Josie, I don't think people are bad. You are a person, and so, QED, you are not bad.

    I don't think your parents are bad people. I think it is possible for people to be bad parents, but that isn't a value judgement of them as a person. I don't think it's possible for someone to be a bad child, because being a child should not be a responsibility.

    If you don't have the ability to "become better", then sometimes just admitting that is progress. Added to that-I don't know what "becoming better" looks like to you. Having abstract goals doesn't work for me.
    This week I showered almost every day! I ate every day! This is doing better for me, and it is also becoming progress, because I am realizing that when I do these things, I am more able to deal with my day. I am trying to make a commitment to be better to myself through self care. If I don't succeed in that, it's ok, and I always have tomorrow. That is what "becoming better" means to me.

    Whoops, tangent, apologies.

    At any rate, yes, I absolutely agree with rigs that having better communication on Both sides would help.
     
    • Like x 3
  17. rigorist

    rigorist On the beach

    Thought so. They're acting like they're improvising.
     
    • Like x 1
  18. rigorist

    rigorist On the beach

    I'm gonna tag in @seebs to see if they have any suggestions about how to suggest/persuade your parents to participate in a little family counseling.
     
    • Like x 1
  19. BlackholeKG

    BlackholeKG I saw you making fire

    Again, that's really... not their style.

    I don't see how I could suggest that in any capacity without getting laughed at.
     
  20. kmoss

    kmoss whoops

    What's your parents' attitudes about counseling and/or family counseling in general?
     
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