For what it's worth: I feel you on that sentiment. I've never found meds that worked, and the horrific side effects on the ones I tried made it not worth trying any others, since the side effects would only get worse. (That is also why I tend to stay out of discussions about how you should totally try meds; it's a good sentiment, but I'm way too bitter for it.) I can't tell you whether that's true for you, or what you should do; what I try to do is accept what meds can and can't do for me (for me it's 'nothing', for you that may be different), and try to work on different coping mechanisms. I still get frustrated sometimes, but it's not really something that's in my control, so I try to just work on things that are.
It varies a lot, and it depends a ton on what your mental illness is. Some people with dysthymia really do end up suddenly better. A lot of people get enough improvement to be happy with what they're doing and how it goes. Your Mileage May Vary!
ao3 comment: "you must not have a life, but by not having one you've made a lot of people's lives better" my depresso ass: you're right, i don't have a life, there's not much to lose if i just ended it right now Spoiler like what the fuck i really want these intrusive thoughts to go away. if i got a job i could just. like. go to work and do the job and not have to feel things about myself for a good 9-10 hours a day. and stop feeling like i'm a burden and start feeling like i'm contributing to society. i don't think a good reason to want a job is "to not feel things" though, i don't think that's what most people do when they think of work. but honestly doing work is one of the things that makes the depression manageable because at least i have something else to focus on besides the solid lump of void that's taking up the space inside my ribs right now. it's not a solution to the depression, but it's something that'll make it bearable. unless, of course, i get too stressed and then want to kill myself because of work. why the fuck did i choose this field.
Blah, depression sucks. And it's not atypical for it to get extra ass-kicky for a bit after a Major Change, like oh say passing the bar exam.
it's also getting Dark and Cold. so there's that. i also know i'm depressed because i actually physically zone out looking at the computer screen for minutes at a time and i can't make my goddamn eyes refocus. or last night i spent literally fifteen minutes just watching the numbers change in my torrent tracker. it doesn't need me to babysit it. but the numbers moving was something my brain could hold onto and it was a symbol of some sort of progress, and i couldn't look away because nothing else was interesting enough. and i don't have any audio on, either. i usually don't do that unless my brain is trying to blanket itself. usually i at least have something on with people talking in the background. all symptoms. don't really know what to do about it. don't have a psychiatrist or a therapist (should check back at gp's office for possible psychiatrist referral, i did ask for one). already did cbt/dbt, i have a full fucking toolbox, but nothing changes how i feel. it just keeps things from getting worse. the only reason for me to go back to therapy would be to tell a therapist those memestories like "if two guys were on the moon and one of the guys killed the other guy with a rock would that be fucked up or what" except things from my life would go before the "would that be fucked up or what" and it's just validation from someone i'm paying to listen to me. you can't outsmart depression and that might be the most depressing thing of all.
[11/14/15, 12:56:13 PM] jaybird corvidae: good god every time my parents call me these days it's bad news bears all over again. i emailed my mom to show her i'd done something she asked me to do, my dad called, and immediately it's basically "why are you depressed you have nothing to be depressed about also get a job" [11/14/15, 12:57:01 PM] jaybird corvidae: i told them i started dating somebody new and i was like "yeah she's great she's got a doctorate in bayesian statistics and she's an engineer and she's working to get her clearances" and immediately it's like "oh so since she's in new jersey it's an online 'relationship' so basically it's more like a friendship" [11/14/15, 12:57:04 PM] jaybird corvidae: absolutely not [11/14/15, 12:57:38 PM] jaybird corvidae: to add insult to injury it's like "why didn't you call the doctor back" um maybe because since i hadn't slept the night before i was literally nonverbal as in unable to talk and barely able to communicate through text message [11/14/15, 12:57:55 PM] jaybird corvidae: by telling me not to be depressed my parents actually managed to make it worse. fucking incredible reposting because words are really hard lately and i need a place to keep this
hi everything is horrible again i keep forgetting to eat which is just. how bad at self care is it even possible to be. i also keep forgetting to take my night meds on time which makes my mornings terrible and just fucking. god i may not go in to work tomorrow because i was actually fucking incapable of working today like it was just incredible there was something keeping my mind from actually turning the fuck on i couldn't even focus on downloading cases. i was so unwell today that i left an hour early because i just could not stand being there. like i am really not okay to be working right now and i need some time off to get my self care house in order because i don't know how to fucking take care of myself apparently but i really don't know what i'm going to do in the meantime besides sit here and feel like a useless piece of shit i know i've only gone to two therapy sessions but it doesn't even fucking work i think she's stupid and not listening to me i miss my old therapist i am trying so hard to make everything better but like. what the fuck
1. Write "RIGS SAYS EAT BREAKFAST" on big sticky note and stick it to your computer screen. 2. Take your night meds. 3. Go to bed. I will hassle you in the morning about eating breakfast.
last day is next friday. until then i'm only working 9 hour days. breakfast isn't the problem, it's everything after that. i trained myself to eat breakfast because if i don't then i'ts Heartburn City thanks meds i will go take cherry melatonin and lay the fuck down thanks unky rigs
One step forward: brushed my teeth last night for the first time in weeks. Two steps back: have completely destroyed my nails. Those took months to grow out my nail beds and I destroyed all that progress in a matter of minutes.
mm. cool. thanks mom. due to complete spoon drain from two hour long debate with you over whether i deserve to be happy, i didn't eat lunch, didn't eat enough dinner, didn't wash my hair even though i attempted to shower, forgot one of my night meds, and now i'm up at 1 am i was doing so well last week, i had unfucked my personal and mental hygiene it is ruined over this like what the fuck
saturday: therapist says "yeah mhmr sounds like a great idea, they'll be able to do assessments" monday: call mhmr, they want my current insurance which is still in the mail to me, not just that but their earliest appointment is late december-early january i want to go to the federal building to talk about social security stuff but i feel like they'll tell me i can't do that so haha feeling hopeless
Spoiler: this is horrible horrible shit really starting to wish i could get stranger raped to excuse the fact that i'm just a shit fucking person
currently having a panic attack because my parents are going to call me tomorrow and ask me what i was doing with my goddamn life all week and i know "sleeping and watching robots" is not going to be an acceptable answer but i have applied to literally zero jobs i have therapy tomorrow morning but it's just like. i don't even know what to say
"Consulting with a senior attorney with an established practice about a boutique practice area." Hmm . . . . "boutique" is such a 90s word. We need to come up with something better.
idk i've seen it in a lot of honest to god web 3.0 slick designer websites, "we are a boutique law firm specializing in nlrb appeals and" i am already asleep exclusive clientele? niche practice? idk.
Web 3.0 lawyer websites? Does that mean 3.0 times the number of flags, eagles, and pictures of West reporters? 'Cause that's what I usually see on lawyer websites. I need to find a way to incorporate rainbow-spectacled smirking Hans Küng on my cheesy site. That might get me more Catholic Worker clients who pay in intercessory prayers and fresh produce.
Spoiler: seriously stupid when's the last time someone messaged me first on skype i don't think i have a personality i think i just have special interests and i'm just nothing on the inside nobody likes me for who i am they just like me for how i make them feel i'm such a piece of shit i've had my laundry done for literally a week and it's still sitting here on my couch ready to be put away because i just can't fucking do it i slept for three hours in the middle of the day today and my night sleep schedule has been fucked. welcome back sad i didn't fucking miss you
Spoiler: don't tfw u read one of ur ex's fanfics and ur ex used a poem u told ur ex abt 2 indicate fckd up romantic affection tfw u feel like u wer ur ex's fcked up romantic affection tfw u realize tht it was a change in fandom tht precipitated the br8kup n it's all ur own fault tfw u still have a mad crush on ur ex but ur ex is well within reason to never wnt 2 talk 2 or listen 2 u evr again bcuz ur a fickle asshole tfw u cried in frnt of ur therapist when she asked abt ur ex n u told her how gr8 ur ex was n how much u wnt ur ex bck tfw it's been like a fckn yr n u cnt let it go tfw literally evrythng abt the end of it was ur fault
