sorry i don't make the rules: ridiculous/lighthearted headcanons

...I feel kinda called out here, because the character I'm playing in Kintsugi's own D&D campaign is definitely that character. like, at least 50% of my building her consisted of "how make maximum seduction machine??" she's 5th level and her Persuasion bonus is already +10. it's, uh. at least it's consistent with her character?

I really was not expected how quickly that escalated, and I'm still wheezing, tbh. classic Aranea.

speaking of D&D character headcanons, I definitely agree that Mabel would hit on all the hot elves, and I'm thinkin' she'd go druid? maybe ranger or rogue, though. probably a halfling or gnome. Dipper's character would start out as this terrible cardboard Gary Sue wizard or paladin (elf or dragonborn, I think) until Mabel bullied him into giving his poor character some personality. I dunno if Ford would play a warlock, but he should, given the whole "pact with otherworldly entity for power" schtick.

 

okay but now i'm expanding on that by combining this with critical role for best results (two great flavors that taste great together!)

• john's character is jawn "i have an intelligence of six, i know what i'm doing" the barbarian half-orc ("what do you mean there's no barbarians in 4E? FINE i'll make him a 5E half-orc i guess"), an inspiring warlord. his insight is shit but his strength is godly and he will punch like twelve dudes if they hurt anyone in his party, especially the gnome cleric. in-campaign, once outsmarted the dm so badly the entire game had to be restructured, entirely on accident. ooc he has a tendency to show up late to game night but it's because he's bringing pizza and beer. john is the type of d&d player who "doesn't believe" dice have luck but he has that one d6 he blows on for luck that he claims is perfectly balanced
• rose and dave play twin half-elves, lilian and dorian lastride. dave is a stealth-based trickster rogue and knife husband and rose is a scourge warlock. ooc people tend to ship them and they don't exactly discourage this with their ic behavior. dave names all of his knives. rose has a demon for a best friend. they use each others' dice but rose seems to be the one to purchase new sets and dave tends to be the one to lose everything.
• jade plays a human gunslinger, stripped-of-title lady jadelaide greenbriar ferrolass schneehart the fourth. "what are you talking about d&d doesnt have gunslingers??? just move the rules over from pathfinder and give me something im bad at and well be fine! i promise :D" ic, her backstory includes trying to get back at a shadowy figure named 'jack.' she names all her guns. ic, jadelaide and dorian lastride ship their weapons together. their weapons have combo attacks and if you don't think that's adorable you will be told to leave the game ooc. she buys new dice every three months because she swears all of them are bad luck.
• jane plays a halfling bard that honestly is too good for this entire adventure, too pure. her critical fails tend to be epic misadventures. often her trickery involves poisoning people even though ooc she always shows up with baked goods for the group and they are delicious. there is a very old in-campaign in-joke/meme involving her and forks/spoons, and no one remembers the interaction the same way but everyone agreed it was hilarious.
• jake plays a human ranger. he rides an armored bear. everyone has accepted this, for some reason.
• roxy plays the aforementioned gnome cleric. she's the party healer and she will not hesitate to leave your shit fucked up if she thinks it's funnier that you're in pain. for some reason, her character always prioritizes healing jawn over everyone else in the group, but that could be because jawn has that aforementioned intelligence of six. may or may not be using her character ic to ooc flirt with actual john.
• dirk plays an elf paladin and his character and dorian lastride have the biggest in-character rivalry, of the FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT kiss kiss variety. to the point where they will sabotage each other mid-initiative if it means one of them gets the kill and the other doesn't.
• karkat doesn't have a solid campaign with any of these people but he's a recurring character that shows up whenever he's in town for a few weeks at a time to add depth to the campaign. he plays a tiefling monk because of course this asshole would be an introspective navel-gazer during gameplay.
• hussie is dm. alternatively, matt mercer is dm.

e. is this 3E? 4E? 5E? the world may never know. the campaign just kind of cobbles rules together and it works for the most part.

2e. when karkat is in the campaign rose ooc pressures him to ic roll to seduce the npcs. the sad part is that with his nature/charisma and class, it actually works, pretty much all the time. he usually refuses ooc because it's not really ic for his character and he spends like fifteen minutes yelling at rose that those two characters don't belong together, don't you understand anything about romance or shipping? when karkat isn't there, and when rose wants to be an in-campaign shitposter, she will roll to seduce. she will sometimes roll to seduce the people in her party. it gets awkward for jake a lot because his character ic doesn't have a very strong constitution and also thinks she is ooc very pretty. the great part is that she once did this to an elder brain and kept it distracted for like the first part of the boss fight while everyone else was chipping away at its health. ah yes, lilian lestride and her demon familiar saying "come here often?" to a literal room-sized brain in a vat

 

You would be to if you had to deal with Rodimus.

 

Oh lord yes. Dipper would play the most boring, uncreative attempted-power-fantasy self-insert wizard and get mad whenever he rolled badly or couldn't do what he wanted to do until Mabel got him to step back and let the character be a character. And also get way hung up on mechanical details and minmaxing.

 

Humanstuck Leijons are from somewhere French-speaking.

 

my Humanstuck Leijon headcanon has Nepeta as a first-generation Chinese-American, but I really like this headcanon too, so what if they're from the French Concession in Shanghai, where speaking French was enforced for some time? or perhaps Vietnam (or Laos or Cambodia), since those are also former French colonies.

 

I was thinking of them as Asian-Canadian, but anything's good :)

Speaking of languages; imagine that Kurloz doesn't know East Beforan and Damara can't read sign. Picture them trying to co-ordinate Lord English's evil plans.

 

Well shit, no wonder he wound up mind controlling Meulin. They needed a translator.

 

meulin still cant understand damara bc shes deaf

who came up with this.

 

meulin can canonically read lips perfectly though

 

oh i have another lighthearted headcanon

well, after a sadstuck thing: john egbert and jake english will never be able to taste a reese's cup without a trip to the hospital.

lighthearted headcanon: john is that guy from the tumblr post who eats the reese's cup anyway, stabs himself with an epipen, and hollers at his friends to take him to the emergency room, because yolo. jake english is the idiot who's absentmindedly eating halloween candy while dirk watches in absolute horror

 

*points at another Tumblr post featuring John and Jake eating peanuts and everyone taking bets on who can god-tier revive first and then standing around in a circle and chanting "DIE! DIE! DIE!"* :::PPP

 

dave's patronus is a mare, dirk's is a crow. they are so jealous of each other

 

Among characters who can revive from death such as God Tier players and nation-tans, Russian roulette is considered a casual party game. Cronus has died in numerous timelines because he failed to listen when told Ahab's Crosshairs isn't a revolver and so won't work for that.

 

I got an anon ask for RH scar headcanons and in the process of answering decided to inflict an injury of mine which I thought was going to permanently scar but didn't on the resident cinnamon roll. So now I have Decided(TM) he has a scar down his arm because his grandmother once put a sharp knife in a drying rack blade-up after washing it and he reached over it without thinking.

Everyone else: battle scars, missing limbs, was literally murdered. Kiel: grandma made irresponsible dinner clean-up decisions.

 

Ford always plays mages unless it's Arduin Grimoire and then he's a technomancer. He is a great world builder DM but all his player characters are basically him.

Also, in WT, although Princess Unattainabelle is one of the characters that comes with the setting like that dickweed Probabilitor, during the time he was playing with Dipper in the shack, he always drew her as a cat girl.

 

Who's the DM who uses the critical hit tables for literally every injury? I'm thinking Damara.

 

After their adventures, Thrugg officially adopted Dumble.

 

as a follow up on this:

jake's ranger "stole" the bear from dirk's forest. dirk was obviously super offended and said get back here i need that bear back i have to guard this place and no one's going to be happy if i just let bears get stolen. jake was like "haha, too late, his name is bernie and he's my best friend" and dirk just sighed and realized "i guess i have to come with you to babysit the damn bear"

so basically ic they co-parent a bear. it is somehow even more gay than it sounds. exceeding levels of hella.

e. BONUS CONTENT: nobody can agree on the name of the goddamn bear. jake calls it 'bernie' and dirk's just shaking his head going 'a saint bernard is a dog, idiot.' rose calls it the one who roars because none shall know its true name. john calls it casey. roxy just calls it fluffy.