Count to ten, then swear (how to angry)

....



B)

I didn't actually have the job that was listed there anymore anyway.

 

That sounds fantastic! I support this plan!

As for "what makes my reasons and thoughst more important than theirs" i would counter with "what makes their more importan than yours? What if they are equally important? What if both people having equally important reasons for what they want means that you should bring up the topic so the other person can make a decision about what their thoughts and reasons actually are? They are allowed to decide that their reasons are actually not that important if it's causing someone else distress, and I would urge you to respect that decision."

How does that sound? ^_^

With these sorts of things I usually look toward parents, churches, teachers, and other folks in positions of authority over developing minds of children. Sometimes there's something else going on instead, but a lot of the time the foundation is laid in these early interactions.

 

Yes that's another one I'm working on, the old man really pushed the idea that arguments always have a 'winner' and a 'loser' and if you were the one getting so mad you had to walk away, you lost and whatever you had to say was meaningless. So if i walked away to calm down, i lost! But if i stayed, i usually ended up yelling and upset, and I still lost!

He 'won' a lot of arguments that way. (That man had passive aggressiveness down to an art form.)

 

-_- edited

Yeah, dude fed you a whole lotta bullshit. Good for you for recognizing that now (even if it took a while to reach that understanding), and knowing what you need to learn to manage arguments in a healthy way!

 

I either have minimal emotions or gut wrenching murderous rage, there is very little in between because I view annoyance and frustration as different from anger in my head. And these are fairly new feeling and I'm not really sure what to do with them. Added problem: face doesn't match emotions, and tone is kinda robotic I'm being told and otherwise I don't speak much. .. and I view frustration/ annoyance as very different from anger in my head. Other added problem: anger = extremely bad and wrong and I should be ashamed for having any because if I'm angry I'm the one at fault for making a problem, according to my upbringing, and I've got no idea how to undo that. I feel guilty for anger and try to avoid it as much as possible or just direct it at myself instead because I'm used to it.

where the hell to start.

teach me, anger teachers

 

I see a lot of this thing where people have been taught that being angry is A Bad Thing. I wish I knew how to untie that knot.

If I were a Responsible Adult I would do research, and you might want to. But since this is the internet I'll brazenly suggest the first idea that comes to mind.

You might try putting yourself in a situation where you can and will get angry with nobody around and no consequences. Like, watch a Trump speech on YouTube and yell at him, really allow yourself to feel that outrage and and vent it verbally . Then you can reflect on the fact that nothing bad happened as a result.

I don't know if this would really be helpful, but it might work as a kind of desensitization thing, to allow you to see that anger doesn't have to be bad or mean bad things.

 

my eyes and breasts are already oceans though?

Anyway, I...do not deal with anger healthily. At all. I go into spirals and I have genuinely horrible thoughts and desires (like, we're talking murder fantasy kinda shit here). Worst of all, that tends to lead to me getting angry at myself, which I do quite a lot anyway. (Amethyst's line in Steven Vs. Amethyst--"No, I get mad at myself! That's the thing I do--I get mad at myself, and it makes me suck at everything I do even more!"--was way too fucking real for me, because like?? That me?????)

But on the other hand, I cannot deal with other people being angry at me, because then I get angry at me. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Conflict terrifies me. Actually, any sort of disagreement terrifies me, because Hashtag Abuse Survivor Problems, but real conflict just fucks me up in the worst way. :c

...Actually, redirecting my Genuinely Bad And Unjustified And Scary Angerfeels towards Pointless But Ultimately Harmless Bullshit might be a good strategy for me. Next time I get pissed about the bad people I know and the fact that they are allowed to exist, I might just end up IMing one of my SU friends and going "UGH I JUST REMEMBERED THAT HOUSE GUEST IS AN ACTUAL EPISODE OF THE SERIES" and being pissed about that instead, because my anger at stuff like that is a lot less scary and a lot less violent. I'm not sure I'm making sense here but yeah. It's a different kind of anger and it feels a lot less disgusting.

 

@Acey i think that might be a good harm reduction strategy! i dont have lots of experience handling anger healthily so take this with grains of salt, but it seems like that would be a really good idea -- getting mad at fictional things and fictional people is safer because fictional things and fictional people can't actually get hurt by your anger.

personal ramblings: i have noticed that when i have real stuff to be angry at my anger often just... shuts down. or turns into a panic attack, or a guilt spiral... but not anger. it's hard for me to get angry at real things. i can get absolutely vicious over fictional things (trying to stop doing that though because that scares me too) but like... ok so example: when my mother lost my dog (dog later found safe!) i definitly had a right to be angry, but i just felt. idk. cold. empty. the opposite of fire. when i got bullied for years by the same group i didn't get angry, i got sad. i got sad and withdrawn and i hated myself but i can only remember one true moment of anger, which lasted just long enough for me to shove the ringleader against the wall. then the anger instantly evaporated into fear and guilt and shame. when bad things happen in the world i don't really feel anything but tired. i feel some flicker of "that's super messed up" but that's upset, that isn't anger.

when i do get angry at real things it's. not fun. it's scary. and stopping is hard. i don't actually want to stop, which freaks me out. i just want to rage. and i always realize this, and then the anger becomes like? defensive. i feel like i cant stop being angry even though i know should stop, because if i stop i look weak and weakness is shameful and i am not. so i feel like im trapped.

idk my therapist has pointed out that shame and my desperate attempts to avoid it play a big part in the way i operate but we havent figured out the source or how to fix it yet. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯