If youve followed my posts for a given amount of time youd know i have ahem. A numerous kinda fucked up events behind me. Im a kinda low functioning, not neurotypical passing person who has a very compromised everyday which hinders a lot of school and personal life. As for trauma, i have a fine goody bag of both growing up in a toxic and abusive enviroment, ive been abused a lot of ways by several people, i also have had other occurences like delusion, abandondment, watching potentially fatal accidents, family with severe illness, neglect etc etc. I could have a field day explaining all the stupid shit ive had on me. I have a ton of symptoms relating to C- or PTSD, so much that i relate to almost everything said by those who have it. My family is kinda anti diagnosis and its very hard to get screened, but heres a list of my symptoms. Does this seem like C-ptsd or ptsd to you? -anxiety -hypervigilance -obsessing over the event, not flashbacks but emotional flashbacks and being VERY preoccupied by what happened and unable to focus on anything else -not nightmares but gross dreams about event -general nightmares about family dying -dissasociation -often gets really antisocial and dont wanna be touched by anyone or talked to -intrusive, very violent thoughts -when exposed to some triggers i immeditially get an anxiety attack and dissasociate -sometimes that dissasociation and anxiety last for weeks -having months where im "triggered" and constantly nervous, lots of paranoid thoughts -cant relax -wishes to run away from home -when i sleep i exhaust myself by being online and im terrfied of confined spaces and silence and i cant sleep normally -constantly need auditory stimula -feel hopeless and terrified of existance itself -feel like youre not gonna turn 18 -sometimes relaxing and then i tense up and feel like im gonna die at any moment (like literally cant sleep cause im convinced ill die in my sleep or just spontaneously die that second) -secretive and dont trust parents -obsess over traumas, fantasise about worse traumas happening to me -Constant revenge fantasies -tremendous guilt and fear of being a fuck up -being unable to handle basic tasks and not being able to separate "first world problems" from trauma -constantly exhaused -defensive about trauma, (oh no they had it worse than me that means im invalid, why isnt my brother as messed up, why does my parents keep denying it happened) -not being able to relate to people your age, being scared of being around kids or anyone you perceive as innocent in fear of "corrupting" them -feeling guilty around cute things -just feeling like radioactive waste in general -being very "jaded" to terrible things which again makes you feel guilt when others react shocked. -not knowing whats normal and whats a problem -not understanding social convention -second guessing yourself -chronic depression/fatigue -burnout -physical problems like upset stomach and a heavy weight on chest -being distant and just feeling very very hopeless -angry outbursts -very sensitive to loud noise like screaming, yelling, fireworks, music etc -has certain triggers you try your damnest to avoid and then if you dont you get severe anxiety attacks -this got very long but basically all the other symptoms of ptsd apply tbh Does this sound like ptsd or something?? Idk i just want advice with it, if you read that long af list, thank you.
Absolutely, yes. If the trauma occurred over a long period of time, then yeah I'm also thinking C-PTSD. It sounds like yours is severe and unmanaged, and I'm sorry you're in a situation that makes it hard to seek out help. So I guess my first question is - what coping methods do you currently employ to manage it? I can direct you to various resources, but if you're already trying out some things that are helping and some that haven't, it'll help to narrow the field a little bit.
It has gradually been happening from around 3 years old to now, with it being worst from age 8-14 I have some other symptoms like wanting to drink and not being able to handle minor inconveinences (ive stayed clean for over a year btw, but the urge is still there, same goes with self mutilating and self harm) And i am in therapy, but mom tends to try and null all attepmts at getting other diagnosises, and also im too shy and scared of beign accused of munchausen if i state that i think i have ptsd, or scared ill be mocked. As for coping i usually just stay at home, distract myself, cry. Draw, read about trauma, idk man im at a loss right now. I try to plan my future so i can escape the enviroment thats hurting me and trumping my recovery. I also dont have acsess to meds despite having had documented, severe chronic depression for years
Okay, then yes. I'm not a therapist, but I am diagnosed with C-PTSD myself and have been for a long time now, and I'm fairly sure that's what's going on. So I'll bullet point some things for the sake of breaking up a wall of text. - Congratulations on staying clean for a year. That's a huge achievement and you should be extremely proud of it. - Does your mother attend the therapy sessions with you? If so, is there any way you can request some private time with the therapist? I don't know how old you are, but your brain is yours, not hers, and her blocking you from getting the best treatment for what's going on is irresponsible. - Honestly I'd make a copy of everything you wrote in the OP and hand that to the therapist for their consideration, if you are too anxious to list the symptoms aloud. If your therapist is even remotely competent, then there's no danger at all of you being mocked. And if they do, you need to get a new therapist asap. Also, why haven't you got meds? - Onto things that might help - Talking about it. You're already doing that, and you shouldn't disregard how hard it is to take the step to doing it. - Practicing meditation and mindfullness. I personally use the StopBreatheThink app, which can also be used in-browser, and a variety of apps from the developer Excel At Life, who also have a website with most, if not all, of the audio available for in-browser listening and download. - Positive self-talk. It'll feel super stilted and fake to start with, but with practice and repetition it becomes much less so. Things like "I did not deserve what happened to me" "My trauma is valid" "I am not lesser for feeling this way" etc. Writing a list of statements like that and saying them at the start and end of the day is a good step. If you can't bring yourself to say it every day, try recording yourself saying the things one time, and then playing that back to yourself.
Sorry ironically I was busy in therapy and couldn't reply, but yes I go alone so that's good. I didn't have time to bring it up the topic of PTSD today, s im very busy with some cps bullshit and thank you! it was never anything too severe, just a kinda unhealthy habit again i go alone, im 15 and in half a year ill be able to consent to medical stuff and go to docs without parents permission, im also currently maybe getting involved with cps for alternate housing (loong story) as for meditation its a huge hit or miss, it can be a major trigger since one of my triggers is silence or not being able to talk or distract, aswell as having had bad experience with people using it as control in the past, but i do breathing exercises and i think ill see into that browser app i try to think positive about myself, been worse at it lately tho, whena at its peak it really helped ! ill try that also out sorry late reply but thank you so much for sharing your advice, means a lot
Dont get me wrong your advice was super helpful, but if anyone else is reading and would like to give their opinion on weather this sounds like ptsd, id really appreciate hearing different voices. Chime in (I just like being as sure as possible yknow)
short answer: yes. long answer: the techniques that work for managing c-ptsd/ptsd will probably (like 99% probably) work for managing your constellation of symptoms, so whether you have c-ptsd/ptsd or not, try the things, they will probably help.
thank you, i tend to lurk ptsd blogs and seek advice from there. do you think it would be appropriate as a shorthand for talking about my experienced with undiagnosed mentally ill hell to use "ptsd" even though i dont have an official diagnosis? like when venting or talking about my feelings. as of now i just tend to say mentall illness after trauma or some shit
ptsd means post-traumatic stress disorder. you're certainly having some stress after trauma to the point where it's at a clinical disorder level. using that vocabulary, even though you're not "officially" diagnosed, will help you find other people dealing with the same things you are dealing with (because ptsd is not a monolith and people with ptsd/c-ptsd will have some similarities and some differences with what you're going through), and it will help you explain in readily-accepted shorthand your constellation of issues. also, from what i remember of your family and your psychiatric situation, you're not in a medical position to get a handful of letters right now from an Official Doctor. you do clearly have trauma, and after-trauma mental illness, to the point where it's disrupting your life. that's ptsd. and you don't need a diagnosis to talk about it or find help for it.
i know internet screenings arent a diagnosis but uh this is a very red flag. i think it speaks for itself yeah i really really want a proper screening
i really do feel like i have it, and that if i had it confirmed and could call a spade a spade we could finally tackle the beast, cause as of now my "guardians" are just running around doin all sorts of things to make me figure out whats wrong, and they didnt believe i had depression they sure as hell aint gonna believe this unless its medically documented. idk man just being able to tell my parents its a very real very treatable thing would be a massive improvement (especially when all the tests i take tend to score severe or moderate and this has literally ruined my education, social life and emotional life for years)
Hey, your situation does sound very "textbook", and I know it can be hard to deal with a new diagnosis, but these feelings existed before, and regardless of, being diagnosed, and being diagnosed means better care and treatment. And PTSD is treatable. You can recover, you have support, and it's going to get much better. Witnessing, and hugs, to you.
thank you <3 i actually was more crying "holy shit i actually am valid and not just making this stuff up" and "i can finally get treatment" tears, i feel more at ease without it being an up in the air question yknow
