sorry i don't make the rules: ridiculous/lighthearted headcanons

I'm 25 years late to the Final Fantasy IV fandom, but I have Officially Decided(TM) that Cid faked his repeated collapses from exhaustion because he's genre savvy enough to figure out that if you join the party, the Plot Reaper will begin to stalk at your heels to remove you via death/completely unnecessary Heroic Sacrifice/kidnapping/brainwashing/shipwrecking/petrification/being eaten by Leviathan, and as long as he can be an "invalid" he can stay out of its sights and still be around to do airship upgrades when they need a deus ex machina.

 

Additionally, I have no idea if the FF4 fandom has any particular history of playing in the sandbox of "Cecil has slightly weird anatomy since he's half-moon-person," but I have decided his heart is closer to the center than it should be, he has an extra pair of ribs, and when they were about eight Kain was intensely jealous of the fact that he could twist his arms in directions human arms are not meant to bend (which is a highly coveted skill when you're eight).

 

One more FF4 one: due to spending her formative years in the Land of Summons, Rydia has never had The Talk about how things work for humans. She's knows about monsters, or at least the varieties thereof that live in the Land of Summons, but turns out knowing how bombs and chocobos do the do but not humans results in some... misunderstandings at Rosa and Cecil's wedding. Of a "have you laid your eggs yet" nature.

 

I'm not sure if anyone here likes metal gear but I have one for that. One of the reasons Liquid thinks he has all the "flawed recessive genes" is because he's lactose intolerant. He makes a big deal out of this and hates to be reminded. Snake saw and heard him in an Alaskan grocery store before the shadow moses incident when he was loudly complaining to about the the lack of lactose free milk to some poor store worker. He went all the way to the mainland from his hinden island base for some non powdered milk and he can't even drink what they had. Snake didn't recognize him during the mission, but some time after that he did.

 

ButchTwink's icon reminded me of a headcanon I put on Tumblr a while back; Blaggut is a dumbo rat.

 

SCP-682 and SCP-1171 are the same species.

 

Kankri has accidentally brokered peace between angry atheists and angry fundamentalists by picking holes in both their arguments until they started defending each other against him out of pure irritation.

 

... I think I remember seeing that happening somewhere at some point on some website.

 

the reason @Itch is so skinny despite eating constantly is that she rarely eats food

its always objects that are not meant to be ingested

how has she not been poisoned yet

 

Playing Fate/Stay Night, and in the first route Shirou keeps having over the top "SHE'S A GIRL I'M CLOSE TO A GIRL" freakouts and Saber is confused and mildly concerned about this. The intent is pretty obviously "Saber doesn't get social norms and that's why she can't figure out what he's stressed out about," but I find the whole thing far more tolerable if I interpret it as "Saber is quite reasonably and understandably concerned that Shirou seems to have panic attacks at random with no obvious trigger."

 

Dad Egbert's job involves computers somehow*, and John's programming books were pilfered from his dad years prior; John assumed it was just another one of his dad's hobbies rather than his actual job.

*I'm totally NOT biased towards this headcanon because my dad is A. a programmer and B. Dadbert levels of Supportive And Proud, why do you ask?

 

HUMAN HEADCANONS FOR MY SU COLLEGE AU GO GO GO.

• Pearl is white and a ginger, with blue eyes. Her mom is a well-meaning but constantly busy single mother; her dad was never in the picture, period. Her major is something science-y (possibly physics), and she was a straight-A student all throughout school, in addition to being involved in ballet and fencing. She's autistic and has serious anxiety issues. Also she's super gay.
  
• Amethyst is ambiguously mixed-race (she's definitely part German judging by her birth surname, but there's a bunch of other stuff in there), and has dark tan skin, brown eyes, and dark blonde hair, which she dyes various shades of purple. She was put into foster care at the age of eight due to her bio-fam being utter shit on MANY levels, and was shuffled around for a few years before being adopted by a loving Mexican couple; she considers herself culturally Mexican-American, and has picked up quite a bit of Spanish. (Her parents are second-generation Americans, and both are bilingual.) She struggled in high school for a variety of reasons, and suffers from probable BPD and likely some degree of psychogenic dwarfism (though how much of her short stature is due to that and how much is just genetics is up for debate). Everyone in her adoptive family--which she considers to be her real family--is rather tall, and she half-jokingly resents them for this. She's a music major, and her iPod is always on her, at all times, forever. She's pan.
  
• Garnet and Ruby are sisters, and have a pretty damn normal, stable family life. They're both black. While Ruby is the older of the two, she wound up being a lot shorter than Garnet, and combined with her youthful features and love of baggy clothes and sports bras, she's frequently mistaken for a middle-schooler. Ruby is not happy about this. She has brown eyes and black hair, is in a relationship with Sapphire and has been for like three years now at least, and is gay as fuck. I haven't decided on a major for her yet.
• Garnet, meanwhile, is undecided on her major; she's getting her general ed classes out of the way first. She's aro-ace and is rather annoyed at the amount of, erm, attention she gets. She also has heterochromia; one of her eyes is brown and the other is distinctly hazel-ish. Additionally, she has issues with light sensitivity, hence the sunglasses. Like Ruby, she has black hair, but she dyed it pink and blue in high school at one point and would really rather everyone forget she ever did. (Ruby will probably never let her live it down.)
• Peridot is of Ashkenazi Jewish descent, and is religiously Jewish as well. She has olive skin and green eyes, and while her hair is naturally brown, she recently tried to go blonde. It didn't go so well and now her hair's all fried and sticks out weird, so she's wearing hoodies and beanies a lot until her hair recovers. She's a comp-sci major, and was skipped ahead two grades; as such, she's sixteen and a freshman, which, combined with the fact that she's also Sperg As Hell and has social anxiety troubles, means she's kind of socially fucked. Doesn't help that her parents coddled her a fair bit before she went to college--they meant well, and they genuinely love their kid, but they had No Fucking Clue how to parent an autistic kid. She thinks she's straight, mostly because it's never occurred to her to assume otherwise, but wow that Amethyst girl is really cool and pretty.

 

Ah, human AUs. A friend and I played about with a Redwall one, and we got some fun stuff. We did Salamandastron era.

• Mossflower Town; on an island in the Irish Sea. Looks very cosy on the surface. Haven for smugglers historically and more so now than its residents want to admit.
• Thrugg and Thrugann are a handyman and a nurse, twin siblings in their early thirties, renting rooms in Vale's house. Thrugg is fostering baby Dumble, and Bremmun is their social worker. Samkim and Arula are both fostered by the Spinneys and living on the houseboat Lazy Trout.
• Urthstripe's a chief of police somewhere on the mainland; Mara's his stepdaughter with a Missing Mum and Pikkle's her classmate.
• Ferahgo; sexy Italian mob boss.
• We wrote most of it from the point of view of Dingeye and Thura because we think they're adorable. Pair of stoners who run away from Ferahgo's drug-running operation and rent out Vale's basement room and hilarity ensues.
• No friggin' clue what the Deepcoiler would be.

 

I have now seen several fic authors, including myself, independently come to the conclusion that Cronus probably drives a Dodge Challenger. I think we can officially call it Cronus' car now.

 

speak for urself @Cronus J. Ampora cant drive

 

Doesn't mean he wouldn't own the car anyway >:3

 

Probably the greatest outcry of loss other than Stanley's own following the disappearance of Stanford Pines from Dimension 46'\ was that at Norwescon 1983, when he didn't show up to do his annual dramatic reading. And the married guy who everyone knew was secretly his boyfriend did manage to show up (quite by accident), but kept saying "Who?" when asked where he was.

 

Ford once made the mistake of asking who Orlando Bloom was.

 

You're forgetting that Dipper has been playing the game for a pretty long time, although I do not doubt he was like that when he was 9 or 10 and played the first time.

 

And then they spent the next 24 hours solid watching all the LotR and Hobbit movies back to back?