things that are currently making you anxious

SO YESTERDAY I REMEMBERED THE WEEK'S WORK FOR MY ONLINE CLASS WAS DUE AT MIDNIGHT AT 12:02 AM. AND THE SYLLABUS HAS NOTHING ABOUT A LATE POLICY. AND I REALLY DON'T WANT TO DO THIS BUT????? I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT MY GRADE WOULD BE IF I GOT A ZERO ON THIS TEST AND ASSIGNMENT SO???? SHRUGS DEEPLY

i do have a B+ overall rn but i also turned in two assignments late last week too so????? bleh. i've been trying to get through taking notes on the lesson all day but my brain has firmly rejected this class, i'm so conflicted on whether it's better to try and do this or move on rn tbh

 

probably one of the dumbest things that's ever made me anxious (I know it's not at the top, but pretty high up there):
worrying the bus driver will judge me tomorrow for paying my fare in a mountain of dimes because I don't have enough quarters or bills left.
I'm inexplicably feeling like a failure of an adult because of this, but at least I can tell that's an overreaction

 

moms getting surgery tomorrow. had a nightmare a few nights ago that she died from it

its not even high risk surgery, brain whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 

Worried about having to be hospitalized. I hate being in them. -_-

 

I sent emails to my grandma, my two aunts, and both of my cousins, about how I am now nonbinary and go by they/them and Neo (only sometimes by neo)

 

Set off my POCD by browsing a hentai site again. I know it isn't my fault the thing is horribly designed so I can't see the content tags unless I click on the thing and nobody cares about me seeing thumbnails of art. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I know it's just going to fuck with my head but I go down the rabbit hole anyway. Is this a normal part of obsessive fears?

 

Customer in the shop (who IIRC has already been asked my my boss to please not do this) just told me how glad he was that it was finally cold because now he could wear a jacket over his gun. which he then made a big production out of showing me. No, he didn't pull it out of the holster, he just wanted to make sure I knew he had it, I guess.

*breathes into paper bag*

 

I wish I knew.

 

Human interaction of nearly every variety

 

For shits and giggles I googled the religious group I was part of at uni, and found several places referring to it as a cult. A bunch of them were conspiracy type sites, so I can discount those. But at least one seemed to be approaching it rationally. That site admitted that as far as cults go it was pretty harmless, but still. Seeing a thing I was involved with for several years being described that way... On balance I don't think it was a cult. I mean, I left with no drama. They didn't isolate me or take my money. But the anxiety monster in the back of my head is whispering 'But what if?' and making me second guess the religion I'm now a part of. (Which is silly because I don't think there's any way it could be described as even vaguely cult-like, but still. Anxiety monster doesn't really do things like 'nuance' or 'rationality').

 

Going outside when the sun is up. What if the neighbors see me? D:

I honestly don't know why it would even begin to be a problem if the neighbors see me. They're not mean, I never talk to them even if they were, social anxiety is one of the least of my many anxieties. Also it's the middle of December and it's cold, so who knows if they'd even recognize me with all the outerwear. But. What if they see me?

 

Ugh, I'm sorry. It's awful having anxiety infect such a personal and important thing as religion. I'm a Protestant Christian in the Midwest, so it's not like I lack for backup, but I still occasionally meet people who would like to explain to me how my religion is harmful and wrong. Some of them are even super-rational about it, and it's uncomfortable even when their arguments don't apply to me or my situation. I've even met people who wanted to explain to me how Christianity is a cult. Like, all of Christianity. The mind boggles.

For what it's worth, I believe you. Keep the faith. ^_^

 

I posted on Facebook that I probably wasn't going to the Xmas thing because of feeling sick, but I didn't text dad or step mom.
And she texted me to let me know they were ten minutes away.... which means they went expecting to see me and have me over for the night and I let them down and shit. :( I wish I'd texted them.

 

@Verily Ahhhh, I'm sorry you've had to deal with it too :( But thank you for the encouragement, it is very much appreciated ^_^

 

minute wording and spelling choices in a letter, gah.

 

final grades don't post until Jan 3rd and my readmission appeal isn't complete without an unofficial transcript and my admission hinges on passing these classes and not knowing if I did is killer.

because I'm getting married the first week in July, when we called the bridal shop to schedule they said we needed to come in RIGHT NOW bc they are ordering for may/june so it is Suddenly Wedding Dress Time about a month before I was expecting to go in.

my mom's family by and large have made zero indications about whether or not they're intending to come out which is v frustrating because how are we supposed to even do cursory planning with a 25 guest swing??

bonus: i am once again technically out of treatment because I didn't schedule an appointment with my psych before finals so she can't just call in my meds even though I've been on the same ones for a year now. I wish we could actually TREAT my ADHD effectively so maybe my anxiety could take a seat but no.

 

We've gotten yet another letter fron a debt collection agency for the previous owner of our house. (I Googled the return postcode: I don't open them). I've been putting them back in the post box with 'return to sender - addressee no longer at this address'. We've received about 12 since we bought the place in Feb. The senders change, but they're all debt collection places. I'm starting to get concerned that if this goes on much longer we might end up with bailiffs knocking at our door.

 

we got a notice that our renters insurance canceled for unknown reasons earlier in the month. thought it was related to the apartment switching websites/companies/maybe changing things? it was on auto-pay and only $12 a month, we were fine for paying it.

Then lo and behold, I just got a notice on my door saying "OH BTW YOUR RENTERS INSURANCE IS GONE, AND WE AREN'T ACCEPTING YOUR JANUARY RENT TILL YOU PUT IT BACK INTO MOTION, AND IF YOU DON'T DO THAT YOU'RE GETTING KICKED OUT."

I mean. I know it's fairly simple to get it back into place but? why the fuck did it cancel itself????? what? the actual fuck???? I'm shaking so fucking hard, I just wanted to check the mail to see if we got any cards and that and a "WE'RE COMING IN WITH THE EXTERMINATOR SPRAY AND NEW FILTERS ON THE 28TH TOO" note were on the door and nathan's not home to pat my head and say "yeah, no, it's okay honey this is as easy to fix as you think it is" so my head is spinning this shit bigger and bigger and every ten seconds I keep saying "this is it we're about to be homeless, not from the bid scary stretch of time with no job or hopes or assistance from the emergency places that were literally put in place to help and fucking failed to even return our calls before, but from a random self-canceling policy and I'm looking forward to that stopping because logically it's untrue and I can't make myself believe it at all.

 

My bf and I have been invited to an NYE party being thrown by a friend of a friend. It's a small gathering, not a big blow out. Bf asked if I could ask our friend if we could bring another person, who is unknown to the host, with us. I felt awkward about it but I asked. Friend will ask host but is unsure. Now I feel anxious and ungrateful for trying to tack another person on to the guest list.