sorry i don't make the rules: ridiculous/lighthearted headcanons

Did they ever make a character that looked just like Bart, though?

 

Probably, entirely by accident due to never having watched the Simpsons.

 

Gems don't need to bathe, as a rule; they don't perspire or do any gross biological stuff, so generally there's no need to actually cleanse unless they actively get dirty somehow. However, many Gems do bathe solely for the purpose of relaxation, and many of the Crystal Gems were no exceptions. Pearl in particular has always found a hot bath to be incredibly soothing.

 

Boss monsters all have wings. However, all living boss monsters have tiny wings that fit neatly under shirts and aren't much use for anything.
Tiny little wings. Asriel's were still all fluffy and might've grown into slightly less proportionally tiny wings.

 

Both Steven and Connie play a lot of Pokemon. Connie is more of a competitive player than Steven, and breeds for good IVs; Steven doesn't care about stats at all and wants all the Pokemon to be his friends, so Connie trades him all the Pokemon she's hatched that she'll never use.

Peridot has gotten into Pokemon as well, and is aggressively competitive. She and Connie both go to tournaments whenever possible, and both of them tend to do pretty well. Peridot's manners have gotten her in trouble, though.

(PERIDOT IS FORCIBLY REMOVED FROM THE POKEMON TOURNAMENT)

 

Some of the Gems have Facebooks, but since none of them really have surnames, they've had to improvise. (Except for Lapis, who just put Lazuli in as her surname.)

According to Facebook, Amethyst's full name is Amethyst Fuckslayer.

 

Amethyst spends all her game time releasing the equivalent of Homo Festival the Machamp into Wonder Trade.

 

She has a team consisting entirely of Wobbuffets, because she's a little shit who likes fucking with her opponents. Also, Garbodor is her spirit Pokemon.

 

The goblin who says "Dwarves, Your Malevolence!" is a girl.

 

Jade doesn't shave. Part of it's because she just never learned how to do it right (she probably tried once but wound up cutting her leg and just went "fuck it"), but she also doesn't see the point--she likes her body as it is! She also greatly prefers baths to showers, and has ordered a great deal of cool bath stuff in her life. (Bath bombs are her jam.)

Dave, however, shaves his legs regularly. He started doing it as a joke, but quickly found that he just really liked having smooth legs.

 

Dave would definitely do the "here feel my legs" thing to everyone in sight. His legs are so soft. He used that exfoliating sugar scrub stuff. There are anime sparkles crystallizing in the air around his legs. Rose waxes lyrical about their softness for so long it starts to make everyone, especially Dave, extremely uncomfortable.

 

Dirk and Roxy turn it into a remix track.

 

The remix track quickly becomes one of the most popular songs in the new universe.

 

In later millennia it has split and evolved into many ballads about the Creator's Legs. These are rapped by wandering minstrels.

 

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
A tale of the Knight's smooth legs...

 

Dave makes ironic remixes of the rap ballads because he's decided the only way to salvage this is to go all-in.

 

i always hear sans' dialogue with cr1tikal's voice

 

Monster Kid is so clumsy and armless because they're a wyvern who just had a massive growth spurt...and their wings are still tiny baby wings.
Something went slightly wrong and it'll take a few more months for their body to figure out that oh yeah the wings are supposed to grow too.

On a related note, wyverns grow to fit their habitat...so MK's parents aren't all that big, being cave dwellers. Meanwhile MK gets to grow up on the surface, and turns out enormous.

Frisk gets banned from prom due to bringing Chara to prom as their prom date. Chara proceeds to prank, pun at, and narrate for everyone present, resulting in the prom going down in history as the Haunted Prom.

Toriel has, on multiple occasions, wound up being climbed on or petted by small children that she has never met before. Same with Asgore.

Chara and Asriel got into a great many shenanigans, including an incident that got them both banned from hats for a week and another one where they somehow caused major property damage by accident with a rubber duck. Chara doesn't remember either of those as a spirit due to death-induced amnesia, and when told about them by Flowey, they laughed until they cried. (Weird black oily goop tears, but...still tears of laughter.)

 

Guess who's been playing more FSN, I've been playing more FSN. And guess who makes a lot of jokes about Gilgamesh, it me.

Spoiler: FSN spoilers

This was a follow-up to one of the bits of my obnoxious commentary I've been inflicting on @keltena in Tumblr Messenger:

 

It's canon that Amethyst reformed at some point during the building of Steven's house--note that her outfit changes in the extended intro (from the long-sleeved one at the beginning to the form she has at the start of the show proper).

My headcanon? She got poofed in the process of the house being built.

Amethyst is not allowed near construction sites anymore.