Puns?

I just know this has been said already at some point, but... what do you call two thousand birds that repeat everything you say?

Two Kilo Mockingbirds

 

What did the hat say to the hat rack?

Spoiler

"You stay here, I'll go on a head."

 

Did you know they're doing an action movie called The Three Bs? It's got kind of a weird premise--it's about Beethoven, Bach, and Brahms teaming up to fight evil. But man, it's got an all-star cast; pretty much every action star is gonna be in it.

Now, I heard they were a bit worried about whether or not Arnold Schwarzenegger would be willing to act in the film, but fortunately, he agreed, and announced his role to the press yesterday:

Spoiler: punchline

"I'll be Bach."

 

What do you call a city slicker who becomes super famous?

Spoiler: i made this one up myself pls be proud

An urban legend.

 

We were trying to think up dog names for a co-worker today.

I went with Frank Lloyd Bite

Founder of the school of modern barkitechture.

 

Did you hear? They're making a gay porn parody of that famous book by Alexandre Dumas. The one where the escaped prisoner impersonates a noble to get revenge?

It's called The Count of Monte Crisco.

 

Not a pun, but apparently there's something out there (I can't remember if it's just a weird mistranslation/typo or if it's a porno, haha) called The Cunt Of Monte Cristo. Which just makes this post even better, honestly.

 

DO NOT PUT CRISCO IN ANY ORIFICE BUT YOUR MOUTH, CHILDREN

AND EVEN THEN CONSIDER RETHINKING YOUR LIFE CHOICES

 

You're not the boss of me!

 

Listen, I am just trying to help people avoid my mistakes.

 

gloria in eggshells c's deos

 

FUUUUUUUUUCK YOU THAT'S BRILLIANT

 

I can't take credit, a friend on plurk posted it from tumblr (w/o source, naughty them)

 

THAT IS AWFUL IT'S GREAT

 

Saw this one a few months ago while browsing Tumblr: "Why say 'autistic Frisk' when you could say 'aufrisktic'?"

EDIT: Fixed a typo.

 

I don't understand the eggshells one. What's the joke?

 

There's a church service phrase, and more famously a line in a Christmas carol, that goes "Gloria in excelsis deo", where excelsis is pronounced "egg shell sees".

Edit: the line in question

 

It's Latin that's generally translated as "Glory to God in the highest" (and peeeace to his peeeople on Eeearth-)