Kay's mental health thread: for data, great justice, and remembering what happened yesterday

this is mainly a tracking thread. feel free to chime in with suggestions/encouragement if you feel, but no obligations.

Some background:

• had depressive symptoms for a really long time. unhealthy home, poor self-care habits, probably some genetic markers.
• diagnosed with dysthymia around Jan 2014.
• started taking citalopram in fall of 2014.
  • general effects: less volatile mood. at first, less depressed and more anxious; once I asked to go up to 30mg/day from 20mg/day i feel like this lessened. feel like there was an uptick in executive function - not a really big one, but going from doing 3 things a day to 5 ish.
  • also worth noting: was taking birth control at the same time.
• now:
  • had a big conversation with my moirail about whether or not the meds have been doing what i need them to. moirail advised that from the outside, she didn't see much change, and also saw some degradation of social skills/cognitive ability. moirail, for the record, has way more experience with psych meds and is much better about tracking and self-care, so I trust her perspective.
  • about a month ago i signed on with a personal trainer, and i've been making good progress and feeling good about those boosts to self-care.
  • moirail suggested/wondered about going off the citalopram. reasons: only ever tried one medication, don't really have any data beyond anecdotal recollection on how my brain works without meds. i think this makes good sense, so i agreed i'd give it a shot.

tapered off the citalopram over a couple weeks. last dose (of 10mg) was Tuesday night.

list of withdrawal symptoms and my notes on them as of Dec 31:

• Anxiety: some - middling to minor. some old thoughts have come back to bother me, but i still recognize them as intrusive/irrational.
• Brain zaps: none of these yet. i ... hope they don't show up, they sound nasty.
• Concentration problems: definitely had issues focusing on Dec 30. like wow man.
• Confusion: maybe a little bit? but not much at all, if so. i feel like this ties into the concentration problems.
• Crying spells: yep, definitely. hi tear ducts ready for a workout?
• Depression: definitely have some old thoughts returning, same as the anxiety. mostly of the "no one cares what you're trying to do or how it's going, shut up and sit down" variety.
• Diarrhea: nope, which is nice.
• Dizziness: i'm glad this is a side effect and i'm not just randomly dizzy! definitely a thing since Dec 30 - regularly feeling dizzy/lightheaded.
• Fatigue: yup. i want to sleep for a year
• Headaches: no.
• Insomnia: night of Dec 30 was pretty gross. took melatonin improperly (oops) which didn't help.
• Irritability: yeah this is definitely a thing. oops.
• Memory problems: i don't think it's more of a problem than it was before - either while i was on the med, or before that. oh, well, wait, there is one thing - i honestly thought i told my husband that i was tapering off meds. turns out i told him way later than i thought i did. shit.
• Mood swings: eh - yes, but not ridiculous (like, 50 to -50 isn't happening - more like 5 to -5. at least, from my perspective)
• Nausea: very light if at all. could easily be explained by "Kay you ate too many cookies go eat some vegetables"
• Sleep changes, including weird dreams: crazy dreams and hard to get a good night's sleep - definitely happened on Dec 30. every damn sleep cycle included fucked-up dreams. glad to hear this will subside.
• Suicidal thoughts: no, not really.
• Weight changes: post-Christmas, this is hard to tell. will give it more time.

 

Jan 1 notes

• Anxiety: minor. same deal - "you should check all your social media five times a minute because WHAT IF SOMEONE NEEDS TO TALK TO YOU". brain, calm down.
• Brain zaps: still nope.
• Concentration problems: holy fuck yes. i gotta work on one thing and one thing only. no switching or else i'm gone. and even then i've got maybe ten minutes before my brain just wanders off into the weeds
• Confusion: not today
• Crying spells: way less today than previously. a couple moments but no sudden waterworks
• Depression: eh. less strong today. still lowkey feeling the "sit down and shut up" vibe, but i'm not quite as cuttingly sarcastic with myself today
• Diarrhea: nope
• Dizziness: yes, still a thing. started up about 1 pm. last night at NYE party moirail recommended Gravol and gave me some; it is working well. i took one last night to stop feeling like my head was spinning and it did its job; took one today at 1 pm and it gave me about 6 hours of respite, which is pretty good. i took another one a little bit ago as an experiment, and it doesn't seem to be working as well the second go round.
• Fatigue: less exhausted today. still tired, but not fall-over tired.
• Headaches: mm. very minor at a couple points today. could have been dehydration.
• Insomnia: much better last night. took the melatonin properly, did paper sudokus before sleep instead of crosswords on my phone, tacked a blanket up over the thin blinds on my window to keep out the streetlight overnight. woke up a couple times, but had much less trouble sleeping. slept 8 hours instead of the expected 7.5, but that's well within reasonable sleepness.
• Irritability: not so much today.
• Memory problems: i don't think this was a problem today.
• Mood swings: didn't notice any of these today.
• Nausea: nah.
• Sleep changes, including weird dreams: yeah the weird dreams are definitely still happening
• Suicidal thoughts: no
• Weight changes: same as yesterday. though i did do 30m of yoga today because i needed to move my body. been getting achy legs again at night which keeps me up.

 

whoop i forgot to update

Jan 2 notes

• Anxiety: brain seems to be chilling tf out, i'm good with this
• Brain zaps: i wonder if the sudden moments of dizzy/vision weird are these. if so they are occurring, and they're disorienting, but they seem to be tapering off.
• Concentration problems: not so much today.
• Confusion: nope
• Crying spells: nothing. wasn't even too emotional at Sound of Music which usually gets me a little teary. i'm wondering if i'll go back to being mostly numbed out like i was before meds ... how much of this is withdrawal and how much of it is returning to former baseline? i dunno
• Depression: not really today
• Diarrhea: nope
• Dizziness: still a thing, but less so. only took one Gravol today.
• Fatigue: i snoozed through my alarm. oops. but i don't feel so tired.
• Headaches: again a couple of minor ones. short.
• Insomnia: slept too well lol.
• Irritability: not really. a little bit. but ... day with family, including all the siblings, and a couple of them still push my "oh my goodness get your shit together" buttons.
• Memory problems: don't think so.
• Mood swings: nope.
• Nausea: a little bit actually. nothing came of it. might have just eaten too much.
• Sleep changes, including weird dreams: wacky dreams still green across the board, Houston
• Suicidal thoughts: nope
• Weight changes: again, not enough data

 

Good luck with this.

 

@tickingnectarine thanks :)

Jan 3:

• Anxiety: a few minor moments
• Brain zaps: don't think so
• Concentration problems: a little, but i did do a lot of stuff yesterday
• Confusion: nope
• Crying spells: Finland's perfect timing of Sandstorm with midnight NYE had me tearing up. other than that i was cool
• Depression: nah
• Diarrhea: nope
• Dizziness: a little bit but not much. didn't take any Gravol.
• Fatigue: not really
• Headaches: nope
• Insomnia: did have a tougher time getting to sleep, but i did eventually sleep alright
• Irritability: no
• Memory problems: no
• Mood swings: nope.
• Nausea: no
• Sleep changes, including weird dreams: chalk another night up of weird dreams
• Suicidal thoughts: nope
• Weight changes: i should just leave this one off, eh?

 

sticking this here because i don't really have another place to put it.

frustrated with myself. had a great conversation w/moirail on phone while she was getting ready to do some stuff. when we were done the conversation i put the phone down and decided to try to french braid my hair bc it was bothering me, so i put on a bit of youtube to distract me from sore arms/keep me from getting frustrated, and I did the thing. around forty minutes later i've successfully done it (after fucking it up a few times bc of course), so i close out of YT and pop onto Facebook and check my phone.

moirail had messaged and texted me. she'd done her thing and was wondering if she could come hang out for a bit while she waited for the official text to go start her next thing. the next text said she was hanging out in the visitors' parking lot for a bit. (my place is more or less between first thing and second thing, so this did make sense.) this had been approximately thirty minutes before.

dammit.

it's a bad habit of mine that i miss texts and messages. i don't know if i don't hear the notification sound anymore for some reason, or i just get too into whatever i'm doing? the video i was watching wasn't loud. i should have heard the text notification. i even have a separate sound for my moirail so i know it's her texting. i don't like missing texts, especially ones that are time-sensitive. i certainly don't like that i left my moirail literally out in the cold. i absolutely would have let her in to hang out for however long she was there for.

i just. augh. again, Kay? you missed a text again? when is this going to stop?

i'm not even sure what to do about it. turn my ringer all the way up and leave it there? knowing me i'll forget to turn it off for class or church and make a fool of myself again. argh why do i forget things so often? i wish my phone had, like, timer settings for ringer volume. sundays 10 to 12 and during classes, mute the ringer; at night after 9.30, turn the ringer down unless it's moirail/husband/maybe immediate family ... magically know if i've left my phone in my jacket and ring louder ... do newer phones have stuff like this? mine's not super old but it doesn't have the best features list ...

i really hope she got the text about her second thing not too long after she stopped in my parking lot.

*tries to stop kicking herself*

 

My boyfriend has uses android marshmallow's "do not disturb" function, and I think it lets you pick certain numbers/alarms that will sound even when you've got alers for normal calls/texts muted.

 

@pixels ty for the recommendation!

Jan 4 notes ... narrowing the list down to the ones i'm experiencing

• Anxiety: again, some

• Dizziness: a little bit but not much. didn't take any Gravol.

• Fatigue: i was more tired today

• Insomnia: another meh night getting to sleep, but getting better again

• Sleep changes, including weird dreams: still a thing

​

Jan 5 notes

• Anxiety: yeah anxietybrain ran away with me for a bit this morning. calmed it down with some slow breathing though.

• Depression: little bit?

• Dizziness: came back when i was on my way home from being out. took one Gravol and it subsided.

• Fatigue: yes, tired was a thing today, but not insurmountable. actually managed to take a real nap!

• Headaches: yes, but i think that's probably caused by the crick in my neck -_-

• Insomnia: nope, no trouble falling asleep tonight.

• Irritability: yeah, a little bit. minor-annoyance level irritable.

• Memory problems: don't think so

• Mood swings: mm, maybe? if you count swinging from anxiety to not to irritable to not ...

• Nausea: no

• Sleep changes, including weird dreams: yeah those are still happening

​

 

Jan 6 notes:

• Anxiety: little more pronounced again, but not unconquerable.
• Brain zaps: a couple of the weird vision-wobblies.
• Concentration problems: mm, maybe a little. not much
• Confusion: a bit
• Crying spells: nope
• Depression: i don't think so? however, in objective news, moirail says that my self-deprecation tendencies have increased again. whoops
• Diarrhea: unfortunately this seems to be the precise opposite of what is happening -_-
• Dizziness: again, a little but not much
• Fatigue: a bit.
• Headaches: no
• Insomnia: sleep went okay again, still didn't find the sweet spot for how long to stay in bed
• Irritability: some, yes
• Memory problems: no
• Mood swings: nope
• Nausea: no
• Sleep changes, including weird dreams: i feel like the weird dreams are just a constant of my life at this point
• Suicidal thoughts: no

last night I think I found the good number of hours to sleep ... looks like about 8.25 hours. so i'm gonna try that specifically tonight.

 

Jan 7 update:

• Anxiety: i woke up in the middle of a nap in what felt like a full-blown panic attack. that was fun. mindful breathing for the win. (must have been a dream that set it off? i don't remember the dream though.)
• Brain zaps: not really
• Concentration problems: some.
• Confusion: maybe?
• Crying spells: no
• Depression: definitely having to deliberately bite back at the self-deprecation. piling literally everything on your head doesn't get anyone anywhere, Kay.
• Diarrhea: nope. opposite slightly better today. (this feels like the most TMI of all the symptoms on here.)
• Dizziness: not today
• Fatigue: mm, some. did take a nap as mentioned above. i have a tickle in my nose that maybe means i'm getting sick/have a slight cold?? i have no idea. it's bothering me. hm, maybe i'll switch out the sheets before bed and have a shower and see if it's just cat hair. that wouldn't surprise me.
• Headaches: yeah that was a thing today. though now that i think about it i am definitely not drinking enough water.
• Insomnia: didn't have trouble falling asleep
• Irritability: yeah, some again today.
• Memory problems: no
• Mood swings: don't think so
• Nausea: woke up from my nap feeling rather nauseous. once i got up and moved around though it abated. maybe left over from the weird anxiety explosion?
• Sleep changes, including weird dreams: again ... weird dreams, the subtext of my entire life
• Suicidal thoughts: nope

working-out of thoughts below, recording for future me. switching between first and second person is totally going to happen, i'm not going crazy, i swear ...



i need to write down actual reminders of the things i need to change, and, like, sticky-note them on my computer screen. saying "i want" does not make me selfish. saying "i don't want" also doesn't make me selfish. what's more, i'm allowed to actually want things. that's okay. i also don't always need to wait for someone to tell me what they want before i can say what i want. what i want doesn't have to depend on what someone else wants. that's putting way too much pressure on them for really poor reasons.

bartering is so foreign to me. i'm so used to just giving. but that gets dangerous - even if you don't mean it this way at all, it's easy for people to feel like you pity them, or like they owe you. and that totally defeats the purpose. on the other hand, if you make someone an offer, then they get to be an equal party in the exchange. i guess i'm used to bartering being the self-serving concept ... where the trade isn't equal, but you feel like you have to accept it anyway. thaaaanks growing-up-familyyyyy you're great. human interaction is so messy.

fuck, i'm just so not used to being allowed to want things. i'm so used to my default want being wanting to get others what they want. and, i mean, there's nothing wrong with that desire in itself, but having it be your foundation? that's not healthy. siiiiiigh. man, this one's buried, like, twenty-some-odd years deep. better get out the shovel and pickaxe, Kay, you're gonna need it. i want to help other people. legitimately. but subsuming myself in helping others is dangerous and unhealthy and leads to exactly the shoes i'm in now. i don't like these shoes. i'd like to actually keep them off my feet when i take them off, instead of mysteriously finding them back on my feet a week later. -_-

i'm also proving to be really bad at recognizing when i should talk and when i should not, in the grand majority of my personal relationships. i wonder if i'm making up for lost time, from keeping my mouth shut at school. i really don't have to explain myself at every opportunity. i can, in fact, pick my own stuff apart by myself later - or even bring them up with someone at a different time. recognizing appropriate conversation paths is, apparently, a challenge for me. it's not rude to let other people talk - I don't have to respond to everything so they feel I'm paying attention. let them speak for fuck's sake. and when i do respond i really don't always have to make it about me. i want to show i can relate and that i feel for them, but too often i end up minimizing their complaints and sounding like i think i have it worse, so cut it out. also at least half the time i've latched on to the wrong thing because i'm in such a rush. quit hurrying to empathize and just listen, Kay. you're not going to suddenly become an uncaring troll or anything like that, you're actually going to get better at listening to people and understanding them. what are you so scared of? growing up? admitting you haven't grown up yet? yeah, that's probably it.


on a loosely-related topic, jesse posted about why smart people are smart on tumblr earlier today. he made a list of some characteristics that in his experience smart people usually have at least a couple of. turned out to be a bit of an exercise in self-examination.

1. think faster. i do this in some areas but not in others. and these days i end up thinking myself into walls that i didn't see coming.
2. spot more options/explanations/possibilities. i don't think i'm very good at this at all. i often find i see the obvious options, maybe an outlier or two, but i'm really not the most creative thinker.
3. remember more things. this one's a crapshoot. on some things my memory is fucking fantastic, and on others it's shite.
4. make more/better connections between related things. this one is, i think, the most true. interestingly it doesn't seem to apply to myself very often, or my husband. does that mean i can only see past my nose? haha.
5. spot patterns faster/better. i don't think i do this one much at all.
6. be better/faster at applying mental tools like logic, math, the scientific method, literary analysis, etc. yes, sometimes. other times i feel like a deer in the headlights. you want me to do basic math? what?

i'm book smart. i absorb information and am very good at putting it together. but i'm really not great at putting together my own thoughts. i can spin you a great fanfic plot in ten seconds flat, but i haven't figured out how to not offload my mental blocks onto other people. i'm pretty damn good at doing what people tell me to do - give me a set of instructions and i'm off to the races - but ask me to make my own decisions? hoo boy. brush the dust off the "under construction" sign on that one, geez. careful not to break it, i'm pretty sure it's an antique by now...


oi. okay. i should quit navel-gazing and go do something. get my head out of the sandy clouds and come back to the real world.

 

Jan 8 update:

• Anxiety: mm. mild today, but lasting.
• Brain zaps: a couple
• Concentration problems: ehhhh i've been trying to write a thing and having trouble concentrating on it, but i think that's just fear of failure
• Confusion: no
• Crying spells: no
• Depression: not today
• Diarrhea: nope
• Dizziness: a little
• Fatigue: eh. waking up still isn't my favourite thing
• Headaches: no
• Insomnia: didn't have trouble falling asleep
• Irritability: not so much today
• Memory problems: no
• Mood swings: don't think so
• Nausea: yeah actually i've been feeling iffy on the stomach front. and also, like, zero appetite.
• Sleep changes, including weird dreams: yay dreams they're great
• Suicidal thoughts: nah

i should write a note about executive dys/function. the first few days off meds were pretty productive. now i can feel it slipping. wondering if i'm sliding back to the procrastination-perfectionism brain. school starts back up this week and goes into full bore next week (augh). gotta get some routines going. i'm thinking about trying to literally schedule myself as much as possible. dunno.

 

how did it get to be Tuesday? I didn't think it had been that long since i'd written.

Jan 9: had an anxiety flare bc of poor communication with J. old familiar brain pathways of "solve the problem and make everyone happy, don't stop until you do". he makes me nervous more than anyone else these days. i don't know why. because he's like my dad in some ways? doesn't communicate well, doesn't think much outside himself? not sure. that would make sense. the adrenaline rush that happens when i'm nervous about him getting angry is very similar to the one i still get in the same situations with my dad. i really need to work on handling myself when other people are angry - sometimes i even get flustered and anxious when i read angry comments on tumblr or youtube or w/e. other symptoms ... some headache/fatigue, still not much appetite.

Jan 10: slept like a rock, but still feeling tired. wish i could set all my mornings to start after 10. first day i've really felt down - i suspect the cause is an email with news that only made me half happy, plus a four-hour rehearsal where i felt quite pointless, have conspired to bring the impostor feelings to the forefront. doesn't help that this is all in the area where i am most lacking in discipline and feeling the most like the discipline would be useless because ... ugh, that's a huge rant about vocal technique and junk that i don't really want to spew onto the page but i probably should sometime. also i feel really warm and i don't know why?? is this a weird Emotional Feeling, or have I caught something/am I coming down with something? dammit.

 

oh for fuck's sake

apparently i am doing worse today than i thought. i'm trying really hard not to offload blame onto 'my brain' as some sort of nebulous other that absolves me of things, but wow. sometimes i'm smart, and quick, and with it. today i feel like a snail trying to move through molasses that's flowing the opposite direction, and i'm pretty sure i got some in my eyes.

i can't tell if i just fucked up with my husband AND my moirail, or just my husband, or just my moirail. i have anxiety shakes again and it's really annoying. i'm fighting the "don't tell anyone anything, it doesn't matter, you don't matter, no one cares because your problems are stupid and you should be able to solve them" thought and the ... fuck there was another one and now i've forgotten what it was, dammit.

i'm angry with my husband. i'm angry with myself. i want to hide under the bed in a cocoon of blankets and pretend nothing's happening so no one can get mad at me and i can't cause any more problems or exacerbate any more problems. but that's dumb and doesn't get anyone anywhere, and i'm supposed to be working on my issues, not hiding from them.

how am i going to talk through problems when approaching an issue makes me freeze? when i'm angry dumb shit spews out of my mouth and usually i don't even fucking realize how dumb it is until after i've said it and then it's too damn late. if i'm in a text conversation i usually have the self-control to tab out and type elsewhere for a minute but in person if i don't just freeze then all my words are dumb.

when do i call my husband out on his shit? do i, even?

i can't even remember so much of what i wanted to type ten minutes ago when i had my eyes closed and was just yelling at myself. i wanted to get it out, put it in the light, so that even if i couldn't see which bits were reasonable and which weren't then maybe someone else could

i feel like if i try to be cautious and think things through then i take forever and don't do anything and everyone gets annoyed because i'm taking too long and nothing's happening. but if i try to move forward and do things then i haven't thought them through enough and i mess something up and everyone gets annoyed anyway and plus i've done the thing wrong and someone usually has to clean up after me or put a fire out or something. i've attempted to switch around the situations in which i stop and think versus the ones where i try to just do but it seems to have resulted in the same ending.

i'm so frustrated with myself. i really want to learn and move forward and grow but i feel like my eyes are shut tight. i feel like the information i'm processing isn't matching up with the information that everyone else has. i know life isn't ever going to be perfect and i'm going to piss people off and people are going to get hurt. but i'd really love to figure out why i keep tripping over my own two feet when i swear i keep checking the path, whether my shoes are tied, people around me ...

maybe this is the angry pencil scribble day moirail said was likely to come near the end of withdrawal. i damn well hope so. today has felt like it used to feel all the fucking time and i don't. want. it.

i want to stop being scared of angry people. i want to stop feeling like a waste of a human being for making someone angry or hurting someone or making a mistake. i want to stop shaking.

i know that doing the right thing can still hurt people. and i know that doing the right thing can feel really shitty. but i wish the universe at least worked in such a way that you could know whether you did the right thing. dammit. i think about shades of grey all the time and most of the time i coexist quite peacefully with them but if there were any place i wish the universe was black and white i wish it were the arena of personal decisions.

i'm trying. i'm focusing. i'm thinking, and i'm doing. and it feels like i am not getting anywhere at. all. in any area of my life really, but especially my career and my interpersonal relationships. you know. the bits that usually matter the most.

uggggh. muscles, please stop shaking. no one is going to come and shout at you, at least not for a while. and even if they did you aren't going to die. please relax.

 

... why do i keep missing the blindingly obvious? especially when it's been pointed out to me multiple times?

why do i keep leaping over the fences that separate areas of life for very good reasons without realizing i'm doing it?

i never mean to throw wrenches into things. i'm trying my damnedest to stop trying to solve other people's problems, especially without them knowing about it. but it keeps happening. i keep doing it and i don't even realize it. how am i still not managing to notice it? at least with some of the other things I keep jumping into feet first, i've started noticing it. but i know this specific wall exists and i still don't realize when i'm smashing my face into it until someone tells me i'm bleeding.

 

it's only been an hour? wow.

so: definitely messed up. i don't think it was necessarily bad for me to voice a concern, but i should have stopped there and let him do his thing, then let her do her thing. next time: stop before the fence.

i really wish mental sticky notes were actually a thing. or that we could program reminders in our brains. happen to be thinking about things that intersect x and y? ping! in the past, you've forgotten that x and y need to be separate! here is your reminder!

i forget so much stuff. how do i stop forgetting?

fuck, no one needed this right now.

i wonder if i could find a small comfy armchair at a secondhand shop. it'd be nice to have a comfy place to sit in my studio.

 

suddenly time is flying.

probably should have come in here to blather out my frozen brain before trying to put myself back together for the afternoon/evening.

today's been a bit of a mess. was cranky this morning. need to practice thinking twice before saying things.

had to go get in-laws' car. it ... would not start for beans. took us 90 minutes. but it's out of the airport parking lot now.

got home. husband says moirail/best-friend texted to see if i was okay since i'd been quiet (been out far longer than expected, thanks to the car). phone had died in the cold so i opened FB, sent her an update which was probably way wordier than it needed to be in hindsight. then saw a post that she'd had a rough day. whoops. that turned out to be a little tone-deaf. >_< live and learn...




...also running into the fact that i don't have the life experience and wisdom to really be a moirail to my moirail. she has the experience and wisdom to be an excellent diamond for me, definitely, but it's not fair for me to try to be something to her that i can't be. ends up hurting both of us, but especially her. which really sucks, because i care a lot about her, and i want to help. but it's becoming really clear that there are a lot of ways in which i ... can't. nor do i want to be a burden to her. and that isn't to say that i don't appreciate her care, and it isn't to say that i think i'm trying to be greedy with her time ... i hope i get better at, at least, not putting my foot in my mouth quite so quickly. even if i can't be a fully capable moirail to her, i can still be as good of a friend as i can.


thinking about the future of my mental health. making a note to come back and write some more later.

 

i seriously need to set myself a reminder to write a post in here at least, like, every other day. because further back than that and i legitimately forget things. gdi Kay

the thing i want to record most is sleep stuff.

i've been taking melatonin to get sleepy. moving it to 2mg one night, then 1mg, then none, then 1mg, then 2mg, then 1, etc etc. still getting sleepy, but have been having trouble actually making it to the asleep part. still working on turning screens off early enough. getting better. aiming for 45mins off before bed, hopefully 1h eventually.

part of the problem is that 5/6 days of the week my husband's in bed before i am - and the other 1/2 he's not. he has no issues sleeping. but if he comes to bed after i've tried to go to bed i almost without fail wake up. very frustrating.

noticing that now that i'm off meds i want to go back to the old thought patterns before bed. mostly frustration, at not being able to sleep, at husband for being able to sleep so easily, at not getting enough done in the day. general self-deprecating irritating shit. i know it's all bs, but it's a lot harder to ignore when you're trying to literally do nothing at all. i used to combat it by doing crosswords on my phone till i fell asleep, which worked pretty well - but i'm trying to cut out screens because of the light. i'm super photosensitive. i can get rid of the blue in my laptop's light, but not on my phone, so it's extra anti-good sleep.

moirail suggested podcasts to keep my brain busy. solid suggestion. been giving it a shot. realizing that i doze off at about 20-25 mins ... but if there's still talking at T+35m, then i'm awake again as i want to get back into whatever the podcast is talking about. so, next choice: 30m podcast that i've already listened to. some night vale, i think. fall asleep listening to cecil baldwin. not a bad idea. if that doesn't work, i'm going to see if i can rig up my laptop to play 30m of music with the cover closed.

today has been minorly scribbly. little things have been pissing me off. i think it might be my period approaching. it should be here any day now.

setting reminder to post again tomorrow...

 

made the reminder and ignored it for several days. k. data point ...


this week has flown by in the "what is time?" sense. sleep's getting better. i found a half-hour guided meditation that I really like - the woman reading it has a voice i find relaxing, the music is gentle, and the visualizations work well for me. the last few nights i haven't spent an hour - melatonin or no - staring at the ceiling going over all the things i hate about myself before having a cry (which is new - never used to actually get to the crying point) and finally being able to fall asleep. i still greatly dislike mornings, but one problem at a time. (for instance: i woke up this morning with a scratchy throat. is this the beginning of a cold/other minor ailment? maybe. or it could just be morning. extra liquid anyway and we'll find out.)

dreams are still wild and wacky. i've started a bullet journal, partially bc of the seeming complete inability to be aware of the passage of time ("yes, i know you wanted me to do a thing, it's on my list-- what do you mean you asked me to do that two weeks ago? no way it's been that long") and partially for tracking's sake, and i've started writing down dreams in the morning when i remember them. brains put together some weird shit when you're asleep.

struggling with food. need to go and get more vegetables again so i have something healthy to snack on. that requires going out to the store. the last couple days in particular have been really busy (mixed blessing: husband's workplace gave everyone Thurs/Fri off because they don't have enough orders ... so i had the car. which made life considerably easier. but it also means two days less on the cheque.) and making an extra stop at the grocery store has seemed like a lot of extra work. but it needs to be done, so that'll be something to do today.

coach came over yesterday to help me figure out the form for some of the workouts i'm trying to do. she was very helpful. hopefully now i will stop being so angry at not being able to do what i'm trying to do.

also still fighting with how many things i can get done in a day, which is a battle i've been fighting for as long as i can remember. there is such a marked difference between what i know i could get done based on how long things take me when i actually do them, and how long things actually take me because of the stops and starts and distractions and staring at the page etc. also the messed-up sense of time is not playing nice with housework: it feels like it's been no time at all since i had to do x chore last. it also feels like it's been zero time since, say, my last lesson, when in fact it's been almost two weeks. i keep ending up in the "i still have time to do that, i don't have to panic" state when ... i don't have that much time. i don't need to panic, but i need to actually do the thing. hoping that regular use of the bullet journal will help that, with time.

i'm also worried about my moirail. something happened earlier this week and it's really thrown her. i trust her: she has been through the various circles of hell multiple times and come out the other side, she knows herself, she has an excellent support system - but i'm still worried. i don't know what it is that happened ... and i feel like i both should and shouldn't ask. i'm running into things from the past couple months when i think about it. if i don't have the life experience to truly be there for her in the way she needs - i know it can really suck to tell someone something hard, and then they're busy/not available/not able to be as supportive as you need ... sometimes that's worse. i certainly don't want to make things worse for her. and i've always maintained with everyone that i do my damnedest not to pry, especially about hard stuff - if she wanted to tell me, i trust that she would. i feel like reminding her of this would just come across as "hey hey hey you know you can tell me right?" and that's not cool.

is it a reasonable thing, not to pry? i feel like it's respectful to let people know that i'm not going to try to drag their secrets out of them, but that if they want to share i'm there for them and i'll do what i can. sometimes i teeter on this one. am i being open enough that people know i'm a person they can talk to? am I letting my friends know that? when is that not healthy for me? i don't think it'd be a good idea to broadcast my availability to the whole world every hour on the hour, but i worry i'm being too closed, especially now that i'm really trying to work hard on taking care of myself, which i've ... never truly done before.

it still feels so selfish sometimes, and then i feel like i have to hide the fact that i'm trying to take care of myself, because it doesn't always leave me open and available to help others. but i know that's not how it works. i have excellent examples of how to balance this in my life. simplified example - two (?) weeks ago i had an explosion. i sent my moirail a message saying "i'm not doing great, i know you're busy but if you have time i'd appreciate it" and she let me know that she couldn't right that moment, but a little while later she said she'd finished the things she needed to take care of and now she was there. this is good. this is balanced. i still feel like i'm letting people down if they ask for me and i'm not available right then.

man. i want to support my friends. i gotta get my feet underneath me. why does this have to be a long process? (rhetorical question.) i want it to be done now...

 

note to self:

acknowledge the answer to your question before responding, you walnut. acknowledge the answer to the question you specifically wanted to ask. do you not realize how self-centered you look when you get it backwards. no one can read your mind. say the thoughts in order.

you don't have to bring yourself into the conversation to empathize.


and until you can regularly and successfully put on your own oxygen mask first, maybe don't try to help others put theirs on. it doesn't matter if you want to be there for them: right now it's fair odds that you're not able to keep your issues out of the picture, and so far more likely to get yourself into an awkward and ultimately harmful situation where you have to admit you can't help because you're not ready. and that's worse. that's doing exactly what you specifically said you didn't want to do, and trying to find some semblance of middle ground just digs the hole deeper. then you look like an ass who doesn't remember, who doesn't think, who isn't really there to help others - you become someone who does things just because they want to, not because they actually can. that is not what you want to be, is it? no, it's not, you've thought that out and decided it already.

just step. back. think about what is, not what should. you have prior experience, you're not completely clueless: use it.

and come back and read this the next time you want to help someone, anyone. put a copy in your journal, in your onenote. think about what is, not about what should. can you be there for them, mentally, emotionally? think very carefully about it. don't open a door only to close it in someone's face. doesn't matter how nicely you open it or how apologetically you close it: it's a dick move. don't do it.

go to sleep. put your damn oxygen mask on. stop trying to save the world on an empty tank. focus on what is.

 

Should update here.

Things were mostly quiet this week. Sleep is still up and down. Might have to go into the router settings and ban my computer from the internet past a certain time until i can get used to shutting the damn thing off early enough to go to sleep. (same with my phone.) i'm getting better on nights when i have to get up in the morning, but nights i don't it's too easy to get caught up in "ooh what's this link"...

Been falling off the wagon of working out regularly. been getting in three a week, but i'm leaving them until late in the week. Part of this is literally just being busy otherwise and not going to bed early enough to try to work out in the morning. (I very much dislike working out in the morning. Add 20-30m of workout and extra clean-off time to the morning routine? fuuuuck that's like an extra 45 minutes)

also really frustrated with the universe on moirail's behalf. she was working her way up from a nasty turn and doing a really good job of it, then she got the rug pulled out from underneath her and it's not fucking fair. and i know, i know, life's not fair, the universe isn't fair, nothing's fair, focus on what is not what should, but holy crap why does she always get such a shit deal. like seriously. give her at least a few days of calm/good instead of, like, six hours.

also frustrated with my husband's computer-hygiene habits ... by which i mean regular updates and such. he plays a bunch of old games, so he hasn't upgraded his OS, which, fine, okay, but I just spent 90 minutes rooting around in his registry and security permissions to make sure his computer was running slowly because of a service trying to do more than it should, and not, say, a rootkit. now i'm in a standoff with the updates, because while he's been installing the required ones, he hasn't been installing the optional ones, and some of those optional ones would have been a good idea, and they're ... like ... three years behind. are they cumulative? i dunno. do i really want to read through all the pages on them to find out? not really. but they won't all download in one go (currently it seems like they won't download at all -_-), so it'll be a long task for whoever does it. probably i should clear the WU files and let it start from scratch on that, maybe also only download a handful at a time. but i gotta do other things for a bit or i might explode.


on happier notes. been making notes regularly in my bullet journal. have done more little tasks that way, bc i'm actually writing them down when i get them and then doing them because it's easier to read back. recital date is more or less confirmed, i just have to find a place to have it and then schedule the pre-recital. also, been doing chores more regularly. laundry's in the dryer now. i feel less bad about not finishing things in one go, because i actually am going back to them without waiting forever first.

also! i bought a tummy and thigh shaper. regular price ~$90, on sale for $20. yesssssss. gonna wear it for the first time tomorrow and see how it goes. looking forward to not feeling quite so much like a sausage splitting its casing. i also got some more knee socks and good tights with a gift card i got for Christmas (4 pairs of socks and 2 pairs of tights for $20 plus tax, woo), and i got some more Lush stuff to keep my face as zit-free as possible now that i'm wearing makeup more often. bought more of the scrub i tried out a while ago and really liked, since i was almost out, and got a new face mask for morning pre-makeup. next thing to buy is a face moisturizer that sounds like it'll also serve as a decent primer, which will help with the face oil too. then maybe a shampoo bar, or some more toner. i got some toner as a gift a few weeks ago, and i still have a full bottle each of shampoo and conditioner, so those aren't near so urgent. which is nice, because while Lush products are great, they're expensive. i also want to get a lighter shade of lipstick that isn't bright stage red. deeper brown/dark red is nice, but sometimes i don't want to be quite that dramatic...