So, uh A while back I wrote into seebs' blog on anon about my habit of coming out with really childish stuff, the example given being presenting a dolphin badge to my mother with the simple statement 'dolphin!'. And the general consensus was that this was probably pretty normal and okay, which I accept. But I've realised that I might not actually have been talking about things exactly like the example I gave. What prompted this was the fact that my long distance bf has been staying with me for the last couple of weeks but he leaves this evening and I am distressed about this because it'll be about two months at the minimum before we see each other in the flesh again, and I suddenly got a need to cling on to him and inform him of this, and what actually happened was that I flopped sideways onto him abruptly and said 'all is love no squish'. This does have internal logic- 'all is love' is pretty obvious, 'no' just means I don't want him to leave, 'squish' is a word I use as an affectionate term. But it makes very little sense by itself. Earlier, I got a bit stuck clinging to him and saying 'no' even when he was asking me questions to which I ought to be replying in the affirmative, because pretty much all I was thinking was that I didn't want him to leave- although I didn't actually tell him that, I just latched on and started repeating 'no' over and over. I think it sort of confused him. I have no idea whether this is a normal thing or not.
Huh, that sounds a little like things I've heard other autistics describe. Hmm. Here's a thing a bit like that.
@seebs Interesting. I'm not certain it's exactly like the ticket thing the writer describes- which is what I'm assuming you meant as the relevant bit- because it's not just one word, though there are definitely words that come out easier in that sort of impulse state- no, and squish tend to come easy, love is sort of in-between because sometimes it's easier and sometimes not, and non-word sounds just sort of happen. I make a huge variety of noises when touched or poked or prodded, that are in sort of a weird liminal state between voluntary and involuntary, in that they feel like they ought to be voluntary but I'm not actually entirely certain they are. When I was having a panic attack recently and didn't have the breath for trying to explain myself when people wouldn't stop talking, I defaulted to screaming. At one point on Tuesday we were in the shower and I'd sat down but I needed to get up and out, but I sort of got stuck on saying 'time for up' and then not moving, because I was tired and didn't especially want to get up. I did break the repetition but I had to pause, physically shake my head and make a slight effort, because when I opened my mouth the only thing that wanted to come out was 'time for up'. It definitely happens more often when I'm tired, and not always just when there's someone with me. I mean when I'm really distressed I can be completely alone and saying 'no stop it don't want to' to empty air on a loop.
I kinda get you. I 'name' things a lot. Like I see a cat, I say cat, I see a horse, I say horse. My best friend say I always sound delighted when I see and name animals. I also say meow to friends when I know I want to make words at them about something but the words aren't really..well there? I do the 'no stop it' when I'm distressed a lot too - it confuses the cats.
@Kijikun I do that, heh, yes, though not always very often and frequently with inanimate objects. If I'm not thinking I'll just pick up a spoon and go 'spoon'. My mother thinks it's funny. But I'll also interrupt people talking to point at a rabbit in the hedge and go 'bunny!', which actually my friends are surprisingly good about. When I can't make words at friends I tend to just sort of paw at them or wave my hands at them and make whiny noises. Meowing sounds a much more pleasant method if you ask me. It's nice to know that someone else tells thin air to stop it, though, must say. Makes me feel slightly less insane.
i know that i will go "words blah *hand gestures*" when words fail me. I also rarely go nonverbal but when i do its less incomprehension and like i suddenly cannot push words out of my teeth without effort (I used dying bees as a metaphor)
@wes scripserat Yes! I always understand what people are saying (the times I don't aren't overload or anything, it's if they're talking quietly or very fast or with high levels of background noise or in a heavy accent, or any joyful combination of those things) and the words are there they just aren't very willing to emerge and everything has to be clipped to what will come out.
I never go non verbal really (I've only gotten to the point of I can do nothing but make this high pitched whine a few times) but I've been told my word order gets messed when I'm distressed or in meltdown.
i know when i watched the imitation game (which was amazing but really triggering) my words if I could get them out were slower and I was stuttering a lot (which i don't actually do usually) often times the words in my head are in a perfectly good order. Putting them into words is... something else.
Huh. Got to go to work, will have to think about this more later, but I do that too. I wonder if it has to do with 'I learned that this was an appropriate way to express my emotions, and now it's not considered appropriate anymore but it's hard to unlearn/learn new things, especially when there's nothing else that fills the niche'. I'm having that problem with trans stuff too; I did most of my socialization in middle school, and was identified as 'cute little girl', so it's really hard for me to dump all of those 'cute little girl' behaviors that don't work anymore.
I feel you on repeating things until someone acknowledges them, because gosh darn it if I am pointing at a bunny or observing a spoon you need to be doing it as well! Luckily my friends are quite good about it. I can do conversations in noises but I actually tend to get bored with them after a while, pft. Words are too important, and noises are versatile but not as versatile as words. Plus noise-convos don't have content, so my brain fails to find anything to latch onto and think about. xP I definitely think this sort of word mangling is more accepted or even occasionally encouraged in girls, because it is frequently sort of cute, and even though I stopped being a cute little girl after I was about three or four (though I was fucking adorable up till then, I tell you! I dunno where it went) I can see where sometimes I don't bother to try and stop it because I think I can pass it off as a cute thing. Socialization is weird and I do not understand.
Yeah, definitely. That's why I call my "cute little girl" mode manipulative, because it's definitely a "you want to be nice to me and not mind my childish/weird behavior because it's adorable, right?" thing. Semi-conscious "don't get mad at me" vibes. I feel like other behaviors are similar, in that they're coded "childish" but are really useful when low on spoons, or were acceptable at one point and are hard to phase out - like conversations in sign, secret languages/shorthand, poking people for attention, demanding hugs... Socialization is hard and nobody understands. =_= At least not irl.
... I'm kinda jealous; I tried that but my relatives were never amenable. (They still don't think I'm autistic, or at least that if I am, I just need to power through it and learn to act normal.)
Aaah, that makes sense, and sounds useful and pleasant! My thing is to go up to my mum with a Noticeable Sad Face on and make a soft whine and hold out my arms, usually. But my mum actually isn't much for hugs unless I'm like in tears or something, and my dad even less so, so I just tend to go without. Since I'm a touchy-feely person and have nobody else around to do the touchy-feelies with, this tends to mean I end up a little touch-starved. xP But that's sort of irrelevant. Whining appears to be my go-to Sad Noise, actually. Makes sense to me. I got trained out of touching people to get attention in primary school when all my classmates acted like I'd done something Really Weird when I touched the teacher on the shoulder to try and get her attention without having to make Intrusive Noises (words also classed under Intrusive Noises). And I still demand hugs! But only from the bf or close friends because as stated above my parents aren't that much for them. I definitely do the mangled words and the touchy-feely behaviours and so on infinitely more with the bf and very close friends because I am certain that they won't object, or will object only in a 'hey, please, maybe not now I'm a bit tired' sort of inoffensive way. And by god it's so much less energy-sapping.
Yeah, I got trained out of it in middle school / high school when suddenly I became The Chick and I had like six awkward nerd boys crushing on me, so I got broken of touchy-feely behaviors real fast, though I'm seriously touch-starved now. I've mostly dropped them irl because I don't have anyone around that doesn't mind. :\ But man, allistic-standard behaviors are exhausting. It's actually really helpful just to be chattering here, because I can reasonably assume that folks will either take me literally or tell me if something sounds really weird. So I can turn down that constant 'how is this going to be interpreted' process in my brain.
If at any point we are on the same continent (i am assuming you are an american here) and in the same place and aware of each other by some miracle, you can hug me all you like, my friend. xP I don't usually think of 'normal' behaviours as allistic because I'm wary as fuck of calling myself autistic (no formal diagnosis, lots of people going 'ooh, not sure you're bad enough to get a diagnosis', 'feeling like a poser' being my default mode for every label i ever attempt to apply to myself ever), but frankly pretending not to be weird is tiring enough that i'm sure i overcompensate and act weirder than i might otherwise do when i'm allowed to stop.
Yeah, I'm an American; probably obvious by when I go to bed. It's appreciated, though; likewise. :) I'm wary about calling myself autistic too, for the saaaame reasons, but "normal" feels a lot more loaded/judgmental to me than "allistic" so I'm using the latter preferentially? I don't know, maybe that's silly. I feel you on the pretending/overcompensating front, though.
Hurray for... anywhere between about a five and an eight hour time difference! Hello from the future, either way. xP I get you on 'normal' feeling loaded, too. Which is why I phrased it as 'pretending not to be weird' and not 'pretending to be normal'. I would use allistic if my brain didn't screech and slap me on the nose for it, heh.
Hurrah, the future! Still a less annoying time difference than 10-14. :) And yeah, that's fair. Oh, brains.
