shitposting rave 4: (almost) anything goes

youre the one vwho brought up getting laid!

 

Wroooong!

 

im SIX!!

 

(Communications Officer Doug Eiffel rolls over onto his back, rubbing at his eyes. He sits up, yawning, looks around, and --)

EIFFEL (becoming more hysterical and higher-pitched by the word): Oh, no. No, no, no. Nope! Absolutely not. No freakin' way, Jose!

(He clamps his hands firmly over his eyes.)

EIFFEL: Good night, cruel world. May flights of apparently transformers of all things sing thee to thy rest!

 

You're whatever age you want to be for any given conversation you told someone else you were eleven a while back. Also I'm preeeeetty sure adolescents frag anyway.

 

Im Gonna Throw Flower Infusions Next Maybe Itll Cover The Stench Of Your Desperation.

<3

 

youre still creepy!

 

Wow hey a human from our continuity finally? Pleeeeease don't uh. It's too late for not freaking out isn't it. Uh. Slag. Is it too late to ask you to hold your fire? Noncombatant and all that.

 

EIFFEL: (muttering) I knew watching all those cartoons was a bad idea. I knew - well, ok, I should have known. I didn't. But my judgement was impaired! I plead the fifth! The seventh? Which one's the insanity defense?

 

-offers him a beer, still naked- You OK bro?

 

<3! :D

 

I don't know man I don't even know what legal system your using just please don't shoot me!!!! I'm a communications peon I'm not threatening enough to get shot!!! Or lynched or dismantled or whatever the hot new craze on Earth is!!!

 

EIFFEL: (desperately clinging to sanity) If I can't see you I'm not definitely hallucinating, Optimus Durden.

 

I think he's flipping his shit harder than you, robo-bro.

 

EIFFEL: (groans) Somebody call the commander to pick me up, I've lost my ... big, blue, radioactive marbles. I'll face the Wrath of Minkowski if it means I get to kiss the sweet sweet terra firma of sanity. Please? E.T. phone Hephaestus?

 

I think consensus here is that it's a dream. You're not crazy, just asleep. Or unconscious. Maybe dead?

 

EIFFEL looks up in horror.

EIFFEL: (even higher-pitched) What? Oh, Jesus, I'm dead and this is hell. This is hell and I'm in it, and all because everybody's favorite boldly-go-ing colonel couldn't --

(Blink blink. He registers Kablooie.)

EIFFEL: Actually Iiiiiiii may have to reconsider the "dreaming" option because we just took a hard left turn into Douglas Eiffel fantasyland. Panictron 3000 notwithstanding. Probably? I dunno, TV melts your brain and makes a permanent impression on your libido.

 

... yeah, i got nothing.

 

-just laughs and attempts again to offer him the beer-

 

Put'cher fuckin shirt back on!