So I hit a grey spot for a while and it fucked up my sleeping schedule, and now when I actually have to do things, my sleeping schedule is totally fucked Which makes me feel bad, and somehow that transfers into "staying up late" Today I slept through two alarms and missed a class. *sigh* I guess I'll just write papers today instead.
* Have a bad brain day, no will to do things, no capability to have fun or feel achievement * Use all the helpful mental constructions and routines built up during better times to go clean kitchen and make dinner for self and husband * Be unable to feel satisfied at having done so, even though I know intellectually that it is an achievement.
Im having one of those days where my brain is doing the 'everythings terrible, everyone hates you cause you suck' thing. I want to cry all day and i can't because it'd freak out the little, and also i have to stay at least marginally functional to be able to safely take care of him. But doing anything feels like swimming through syrup. You're supposed to talk to babies--even if its just narrating your day 'now im putting on socks. See the socks?' style, and all my brain is giving me is alternately empty static or a litany of every way i fail and how much better off everyone else would be if i werent around, and you can't fucking say that kind of shit to your kid, i dont care whether they understand you or not. Everything feels like bullshit and i really really really want my meds back. :(
I'm currently off my depression pills and couldn't get a doctor appt. before Monday. The weird thing is that they didn't deny my refill request; they just never responded to the pharmacy. For two separate attempts. And then haven't communicated when I left them a WTF? message. Seriously, refusing to refill psychiatric medication with known bad effects for cold-turkey withdrawal is really not a good thing to do, but it seems the medical establishment is quite fine with using that as a stick to force people to come in.
I hate the whole idea of holding meds hostage to force people to come in, but letting them run out of meds when they ACTUALLY HAVE THE NEXT AVAILABLE APPOINTMENT is some next level shit. >:( Im sorry.
@Morven booooooooooooooooo on them! Vibes of brain-holding-together are being sent your way. *wooble wooble*
@Morven wow that is straight up dangerous on their part. like, you could potentially wind up in the hospital from withdrawal effects. is the pharmacy willing to give you an 'advance'? they've done that for me before when they couldn't get a hold of the dr (although in my case it was because the office was closed by then).
In some places I think it might even be law that you can get "emergency" stop-gap pills, but only a few and if and if and if. Wish I knew more so I could be more informative.
I should ask them tomorrow ... unfortunately being without really interferes with the old spoons thing.
Whoops, necroing this thread, but depression is my particular flavor of brain fuckery and I'm going through a depressive downswing. I take Citalopram for depression and anxiety and have been on it (off and on, I often do the "I don't REALLY need pills" dance to my detriment) for about 7 years now. It evens me out to the extent that I don't want to kill myself, but I'm starting to wonder if it's fully doing its job. I'm tired all the time (which may be other health shit, who knows) and everything seems like a struggle to find motivation for. I get small bursts of pleasure now and again but most of the time my feelings are like Is it dysthymia? Do I need to up my meds? Or is just how my life will be forever: a dull grey existence of killing time until I die? And of course I'll be talking to my doctor about it, but 10 to 1 odds says he'll tell me to lose weight. That's been his primary method of diagnosis for everything thus far.
I just ate a ton of food and feel like the most worthless piece of garbage ever man it's gonna be nice when I can move out and live in a (somewhat) healthier environment
I have so many things I want to create. I do. Art and stories and crafts, dozens of ideas for them all, but all I can do is sit here and do nothing. This sucks.
Upping or changing meds could make a big difference for you - I know it has for me in the past. *supportive hugs if wanted* As for your doctor - I'm sorry but that is an asshole doctor. Weight gain is much more often a symptom than a cause of problems- losing weight won't magically fix everything. I also appreciate the thread necro bc I could really use some talking about my depression issues too. I just got put on hormonal birth control for my PCOS, and wooooo boy is that messing with my depression balance a lot (which is the whole reason I had avoided the pill up until now). I'm working on the doctor side of things to get the meds straightened out, but in the meantime Life Keeps Happening and Doctors Are Complicated and I'm still fucked up until it either evens out on its own or I get this shit fixed.
Thought I just had: "maybe once a civilization gets advanced enough it stops breeding because it collectively figures out that it's immoral to create new sentient life in a world of inescapable suffering, and that's why the Fermi Paradox is a thing" OKAY BRAIN, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A PERFECTLY REASONABLE INSIGHT INTO THE HUMAN CONDITION RATHER THAN A DEPRESSIVE DELUSION, I'M CERTAIN WE'RE ON TO SOMETHING HERE
Um, it sounds like a reasonable insight to me? But I am somewhat of a supporter of voluntary self-extinction (SLOW REALLY SLOW, I don't advocate suicide holy fuck).
job searching is hell. just. every single position. and i don't know what part of that is depression brain, what part of it is anxiety-avoidance brain (no fuck you i'm not moving to brownsville), and what part of that is accurately assessing my abilities, strengths, and weaknesses. my brain likes to tell me i'm unworkable, in that no one could possibly hire me ever at all for any reason whatsoever. so far it's right, and every day i don't get a job is another day for those self-deprecating thoughts to get louder and louder.
I don't quite support that. But I think the present state of humanity is unstable and asking for a crash and burn type of experience, and we need to change course pretty drastically to avoid a whole host of ways in which things could go all dystopian. I don't so much go for the Malthusian thought that overpopulation is going to lead to starving anytime soon; humans are ingenious and we will continue to work out ways of coping. But I do think that we are going to consume everything else on the way. Anything left on this planet that isn't there for human consumption. We can certainly manage to feed 10 billion, 20 billion. But what world will we have left? What benefit is there to further expanding our numbers? And what quality of life will we have when the resources are sliced thinner and thinner?
I agree. I just don't know if I can do anything about that, so it's a matter of seeing what happens. My point was just that human extinction is something I strongly support even when I am personally not having an episode. I have a whole lot more thoughts about this, but they get existential and I haven't the foggiest how spoiler tags work, so.
Been weepy all day and I'm sure part of it is hormones from menstruation but fuck's sake, this is not productive or helpful. I kind of feel like it's worse than the numbness.
Ended up not sleeping for most of the day due to nervous energy, only to wake up after five hours. Been trying to clean and make dinner, but I just feel drained. Not even sleepy, just... like I just want to sit and stare at a blank wall.
