shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

-raises a brow at that-

N-w that is curi-us. Just the shade -f the current rebel running amuck. Was n-t aware that -thers c-uld have such bl--d, but Vantases seem t- be particularly n-vel tr-lls. -ne is the -nly male tyrian rec-rded t- live past wriggling. The -ther harb-rs the same c-l-r as that Wanderer.

Als- that s-unds fake but -k. If y-u say it's n-t a pitch affair than it is n-t. I'll have t- pass -n punching the Emper-r, h-wever. I have a sect-r and its pe-ple t- ensure live and are preserved. That is hard en-ugh with-ut the ultimatum that I s-lve the rebel issue -r must submit t- engineered famine. Th-ugh I supp-se were he punched hard en-ugh there c-uld be n- engineered famine t- submit t-.

 

"NOVEL" IS ONE WAY TO PUT IT! WHO'S THE WANDERER, THOUGH? LIKE, NAMES, HORN SHAPES, THAT KIND OF SHIT.

[brief pause. somehow, his expression gets even scowlier]

ENGINEERED FAMINE?!? FUCK, I *HAVE* BEEN AWAY FROM ALTERNIA TOO LONG, JESUS DICK. NOW I REALLY DO NEED TO PUNCH HIM. EVIL FISH KANKRI, PREPARE YOUR HUSK FOR A BEATING THE LIKES OF WHICH HAVE NEVER BEFORE BEEN SEEN. SHIT, I MAY BE A POINTLESS FIGUREHEAD IN ALMOST ALL REGARDS, BUT AT LEAST I'M NOT OUT ACTIVELY CAUSING HARM.

 

Sc-unts have inf-rmed me that she is a Serket -f s-me fashi-n -r an-ther. It is a name she shares freely, en-ugh. Th-ugh her title tends t- be m-re widely used, particularly by her f-ll-wers. It is a very apt -ne, unf-rtunately. She wanders. Quite a bit and it is stumping me.

Als-, yes. Engineered famines. It happened t- Sect-r 1932 sweeps back. Ab-ut 50, -r s-. They were n-t c-mplying with Imperial dictates, and s- f--d and water were entirely cut -ff fr-m the area. Save a bare minimum that c-uldn't feed the wh-le sect-r. All are t- be given pr-per am-unts -f n-urishment, h-wever, that requires f-ll-wing Imperial dictates and maintaining the system. Military resp-nse is s-ught if things are still n-t in -rder.

Which they currently aren't. And the sand dwelling wrigglebeasts under her c-mmand -r n- the Alternian military is hard t- quash. By which I mean seemingly imp-ssible t-.

 

OHHHHH MY GOD. OH MY FUCKING GOD! NASTY MUTANT SERKET WITH A CULT AND GIANT DIRT NOODLES UNDER HER COMMAND IS SOMEHOW WORSE THAN ORIGINAL FLAVOR SERKET. I CANNOT BELIEVE. ACTUALLY, I CAN, BECAUSE I GUESS THE ~SICK ABILITIES~ ALL MUTANTS SHARE IS THE POWER TO SUMMON PEOPLE WILLING TO BLINDLY FOLLOW YOU NO MATTER WHAT AN OBNOXIOUS BITCH YOU ARE.

 

Hy am verry greatful -she grins and noofs-

-approves. Whatever it takes to make the skinny troll eat. Mina inhales more pizza-

 

-h she is very -bn-xi-us. Rest assured. She attempted a parle with me earlier, which I refused. I d- n-t treat with rebels. I have l-st c-unt -f h-w many criminals she has run -ff with. The caravans simply d- n-t arrive. There are dissidents scheduled f-r executi-n running free in a tunnel netw-rk I d-n't understand. The Emper-r is irate. My system w-rked quite well f-r sweeps and pe-ple lived and had their culture m-re preserved than s-me sect-rs.

 

AH, BUT DOES THIS COUNT AS TREATING WITH ME? BECAUSE I HAVE EXCITING NEWS FOR YOU, APTLY TITLED "MY FRIENDS KILLED MY EMPRESS, NEENER"

NOW IN SELECT THEATERS.

THE EMPEROR CAN GO TRY HIS HOT NEW FAMINE DIET, FOR ALL I CARE ABOUT HOW HE FEELS.

 

Hrmm. That is a very distinct p-ssibility, yes.

Hrmm.

F-r the m-ment y-u d-n't appear t- be a danger t- me -r th-se I g-vern. S- while technically y-u may be a rebel, y-u are n-t -ne currently threatening my affairs. I find it sh-cking that y-ur friends killed y-ur Empress, but then I supp-se s- did -ur Emper-r. Many -thers besides. -ur species hist-ry seems t- be -ne -f c-llective misery and habitual regicide.

 

TO BE COMPLETELY FAIR, ONLY ONE OF THE FRIENDS INVOLVED WAS ACTUALLY *OUR* SPECIES, AND SHE'S ALSO A CARD CARRYING MEMBER OF THE UNDEAD. WE HAD A CORPSE PARTY AND EVERYTHING.

WANT SOMEONE DISPOSED OF? HIRE A HUMAN! THE VALUES ABOUT KINDNESS AND FRIENSHIP THEY ESPOUSE SO LOUDLY SIMPLY DO NOT COUNT IF THEY'RE PISSED. MAGICAL!

 

W-w that isn't weird s-unding at all.

 

-snickering-

 

I AM COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY DESENSITIZED TO WHAT IS AND IS NOT WEIRD. THE STRANGE AND UNEXPLAINABLE IS MY LIFE, NONSENSE IS MY MATESPRIT AND CONFUSION IS MY MOIRAIL.

 

That s-unds very inc-nvenient. I h-pe they can at least c--k well.

 

-Clover thinks up some of her OWN pizza and eats it smugly in front of Mina. Ask about it, Mina. She will give.-

 

-look at this pooor hungry jägermonster, just about ready to starve. Except that she´s trying hard not to giggle-

 

-Clover licks the garlic powder on the crust from her fingers before relenting.-

You can have half.

 

THEY DO NOTHING WELL, EXCEPT TORMENT ME. MY LIFE IS A SERIES OF NEVER ENDING, HILARIOUS STRUGGLES

 

Friends seem to like doing that.

 

-Polly rolls the Teggy off his lap again without preamble-

 

-THERE HE GOES TO THE FLOOR, making a surprised and utterly undignified noise.-
......... I deserved that.