My Departure

Spoiler: A long talk about my departure, tw for depression and some minor self harm mentions

It's getting close to my birthday. I customarily do an evaluation every year when that date begins to roll up to determine what's going wrong in my life. For the last few months, I've been seeing my friends less, calling off on them on scheduled dates. My personal projects are falling behind. My work performance is suffering because of what my boss has taken me aside to address as "Severe depression."

I've been self-harming and my self-esteem has tanked. My drinking habit has come back from where it was starting to slow down in winter. There are some other underlying circumstances and conditions that are part of this, but I don't feel comfortable discussing those personal issues.

I've talked about my issues out of the public eye and, at the time, called them unrelated to Kintsugi. I said then that I'd cop to it if I thought later that my presence here was harming me, and having sat down and given it a good amount of thought, I think the answer is "Yeah."

My general disposition has grown more dour, my hours are dwindling away, and I feel, if anything, less fulfilled by taking a moderation position on. It's the first spot I've ever had with any kind of managerial responsibility where I didn't feel like I was being genuinely helpful in a fashion someone else wasn't already covering. I typically feel helpless and out of my depth with the debates that rage on the boards, and despite a deep wanting to fix it, whatever print I or anyone else (and I'm not talking mods, I mean anyone) makes in the sand feels like it's covered by blasting gales within days, and I've been having a lot of trouble readjusting that pessimistic worldview I did a great job of kicking a few years ago.

I've got so many PMs and direct messages on chat clients that have remained unanswered at this point (Eleven, to count) because I'm worn out and I keep reading things and going "I don't know what to say." God damn it, I want to. I really want to, but I don't know what to say. If you're one of those people, I hear you, but I feel at a loss and in a slump myself. I'm sorry.

I feel like a flake or a flounce departing given my position, but chances are strong that my compromised objectivity and worsening mental health sourcing from my presence on Kintsugi necessitate this move. Before, I did this, but I returned. I don't think that'll be the case this time, because having had a moderation position and left will worsen my paranoia that gossip will be unbearable in the wake of it as opposed to when I left because of personal issues when I was completely unnoticeable in terms of forum presence. My departure this time will be on a permanent basis. There's nothing but confidence in me when I say that I can make good on saying that I will never return. If I do, something huge will have changed.

On moderation - Typically speaking I take up these moderation positions in places where there's a general feeling of goodwill and trust already in place and the community just needs a nudge or push, and I felt very positively about Kintsugi beforehand. I came into the moderation spot expecting to see a little of its darker side, because that's how it goes when you see behind the scenes traffic anywhere, but I've never been so thoroughly disheartened. I have intense difficulties understanding large swathes of the userbase, typically feel like everything I try is double-edged, and usually like someone else could have done it better if it wasn't just talking.

Usually my efforts feel very empty. I can make all the gestures I want, but I personally feel I have very little ability to solve peoples' problems, and often what I want to do is probably not the best way to handle this forum's userbase. To be clear, I'm not blaming my toolkit, I'm blaming me. I am a person who has had to deal with my own private share of mental illnesses and helped others through their own, but my heavy-handed approach is usually not what Kintsugi needs.

I'm less blaming anyone else so much as I am myself for overestimating my ability. I feel I should have more answers than I do, and that I'm lacking in those hurts. I'm very sorry.

I'm going to be here for a little while longer resolving routine reports about moving things or deleting threads but otherwise distancing myself from moderation. I don't want my opinion to count on those matters anymore, and I feel it's better to leave before Kintsugi 2.0 goes up than after. It's not that I'm opposed to the shift, but I think leaving before a forum change completes instead of making the appearance I'll be here after is a smart way to do it.

To be clear, this isn't spur of the moment. It wasn't even caused by any of the present drama. I've been thinking about it since my medical insurance got me back in a state of stability with my prescriptions. Don't blame yourself for me leaving, it seriously isn't you or anything anyone else has done, it's me.

@seebs, after this goes up, I'll put in a report asking for my moderation tools and position to be removed. Once I'm sure that's done I'll be taking my leave.

 

Heya, I don't blame you. I'll take the mod stuff off for now, you take care of yourself.

 

Thanks, Seebs. You've been great.

Once I see that the powers are gone and I don't register as a Staff Member anymore I'll log out for good.

It was cool being here.

I'll probably change it one last time before I go. Maybe. I have an image in mind for this! But the suit monkey has been good, I agree.

 

Mod powers are gone. Can verify looking at the staff members section that I am no longer part of the mods.

This is probably my last post or nearing to it. I'm going to just be doing my own private things soon.

I'm glad to have met you all. I don't know if I'll be giving out contact information to people who ask or not, but I'm happy I met you all regardless. Time to get a little sentimental.

One time, though not here, I said that every life matters. Each person has a perspective born of circumstances which will never be replicated again. Even people that we interact with for only a short time are their own unique beings that grace us with points of view we will never hear come from the same exact place again.

Thanks for sharing all of yours with me.

Now I'm off to do my thing.

 

I'll be fine. Everything's actually been looking up for the most part! There are still a few financial finaglings that I need to think about but otherwise all is well. I'm good and on my way to better health with the prescriptions I need, and my medical coverage is so good I went in to get a bunch of checkups and got a bill for $0. I'm fucking reeling at that. Thanks, Obama, you beautiful bastard; may your health care never fall and the sun always shine on you.

I'll miss you too, though. I always enjoyed reading your viewpoints. You're a cool cat, Aon.

Feeling's mutual. You do good shit for people, Petra, and I feel like you mean well. It's always been good to see you.

I'm probably not coming back, like I said. That's not a definite, but when I say things I rarely go back on them. A lot of circumstances would have to change in my life for me to reconsider.