shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT NOW, OR WHO THE FUCK THAT IS, BUT WHAT THE HELL! ALL HAIL.

 

...

I'm just a person? Who happens to be a cat, I guess. I dunno. I've never had to think about it that way because everyone's a dog or a cat or a bird.

Which...Brings up what are you all? Wow, I should have thought about that earlier. No feathers or scales or fur. Just...skin?

Then I have succeeded in my making shit up. Aww yes.

 

[Perhaps she can still pretend to be normal.]

I'm a person too. Just one that's more... human than cat, I suppose.

[On the off-hand that she did somehow know that humans don't typically live over six hundred years, Cel did pick her words carefully.]

 

What's a human?

 

[brief expression of embarrassment before back to Default Angery]

TO BE ENTIRELY FAIR, HERE, I AM A FAILURE AT ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, **AND** WE ARE IN THE WEIRDEST FUCKING PUNISHMENT REALM I'VE EVER SEEN. YOU ARE A SENTIENT TROLLOID MEOWBEAST, I AM A VERY LOUD BIPEDAL BUG, THERE'S GIANT ROBOTS SOMEHOW LURKING AROUND EVERY CORNER, THAT GUY'S A ~CHAOS MAGICIAN~

IT WOULD BE STUPID NOT TO ASSUME THERE'S PROBABLY A FOREST GOD YOU HAVE TO FIGHT, FROM MY PERSPECTIVE.

 

Someone with skin and hair instead of fur and who looks like me. Well, not me exactly. But roughly.

 

Oh my god. There are GIANT robots? But what kind of giant robots. Are they the sort you could pilot. Or just weirdly huge robots that are basically just people, I guess. Maybe. Also, you're the least bug looking thing I've seen.

This continues to get really weird. There isn't even Sharkle here either. Man.

It's just kind of weird? Which is cool. It's something different at least.

 

THEY'RE DEFINITELY PEOPLE, AND I'M DEFINITELY A BUG. AT LEAST, BY MY STANDARDS! HUMAN STANDARDS ARE PRETTY FUCKING WEIRD, AND I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOURS ARE LIKE. I'D REGALE YOU WITH AN EXPLANATION ABOUT HOW WE REPRODUCE BUT IT'S TRULY NOT SOMETHING FOR THE WEAK OF (MAMMAL) HEART.

 

Mine are like bugs are little crawly things with shells and stuff. Some have wings. They're all kind of annoying. Especially the ones that like to bite you. Which is just...why is that even a thing, reality?

If you're a bug do you have some sort of gross queen or something. That spews out a bunch of eggs. All at once. Or is just everyone always making eggs ever, because that's pretty much the worst.

 

FASCINATING. I WILL, LIKE THE ARROGANT PIECE OF SHIT I AM, BREAK THIS DOWN POINT BY POINT.

WE START OUT AS LITTLE CRAWLY THINGS WITH SHELLS, THEN WE PUPATE. SOME OF US HAVE WINGS. I HAVE YET TO MEET A TROLL THAT HAS NOT ANNOYED ME IN SOME WAY, BUT THEN AGAIN, I'VE YET TO MEET ANYTHING THAT HAS NOT ANNOYED ME IN SOME WAY, SO WHO KNOWS! PERHAPS THERE IS A SAINTLY TROLL OUT THERE WHO CAN SOMEHOW MANAGE NOT TO FRUSTRATE ME AT ALL, BUT I VERY MUCH DOUBT IT. BITING, EHH, WE'RE SAPIENT AND THAT'S GENERALLY FROWNED UPON IN POLITE SOCIETY, SO.

AND, LASTLY BUT VERY MUCH NOT LEAST, GO FUCK YOURSELF. THE MOTHER GRUB ISN'T GROSS AT ALL, SHE KEEPS IT SO WE CAN ALL DO WHAT WE NEED TO DO WITHOUT GROWING WIGGLERS IN US LIKE A PARTICULARLY HUNGRY PARASITE BEFORE SQUIRTING IT OUT LIVE. WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING, UNLIKE HOW *WE* DO IT.

 

Excuse you, my mom had a totally not gross pregnancy. That led to a totally not gross live birth that my dad had to leave during and also wasn't horribly painful for my mom. You know, like the sort of thing that makes you question if reproduction is even worth it. Not at all.

It's the most not-gross and kind of hard to think about thing ever, ok. Fight me, bug boy.

Also I'm Mae Borowski. What's your name?

 

Ford chuckles. "Chaos actually is a part of the laws of physics, Karkat."

Ford smiles at her, somewhat amused. He didn't say a word about her, and he wasn't planning to. But there's also no way to tell her so without doing the thing that he doesn't want to do and she doesn't want him to do.

 

CALL ME BUG BOY AGAIN AND I WILL GET YOU INTIMATELY ACQUAINTED WITH MY STRIFE SPECIBUS. YOURS WILL BE A TENDER AND PAINFUL UNION, SPOKEN OF IN SOFT WHISPERS ONLY IN THE MOST SULTRY OF PLACES.

I'M NOT GOING TO DEBATE WITH YOU ABOUT HOW GROSS MAMMAL REPRODUCTION IS, BECAUSE IT SOUNDS A LITTLE LIKE YOU MIGHT UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S COMPLETELY REPULSIVE.

MY NAME IS KARKAT VANTAS.

GOOD THING NOTHING WE DO HERE ABIDES BY THOSE LAWS, THEN, HUH?

 

I'll fight you. I'll fight anyone. See that chaos wizard? I'll fight him and his glass, too. Don't you test me, I beat up a kid with a trashcan. They call me Killer where I'm from and I think my next door neighbor is trying to get me arrested by my aunt.

Anyway. Yeah, hi. It's nice to meet you. That's not sarcasm.

 

TRASH CAN VS GUY FROM A WARRIOR RACE WITH SWEEPS OF EXPERIENCE, AND AN ACTUAL WEAPON. HMM HMM I WONDER HOW THAT WOULD GO!

[he pops homes smell ya later out of his sylladex, but not in a threatening way--more like 'look at this cool shit i have! is it not cool?' and holds them out]

ACTUALLY, I KNOW HOW IT WOULD GO, GIVEN THAT WE ALREADY ESTABLISHED NEITHER OF US CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING WITHOUT A HEAPING HELPING OF DIPSHIT SAUCE ON TOP. WE WOULD BOTH DIE WITHOUT EVEN TOUCHING EACH OTHER.

WHILE I WOULD PROBABLY HAVE A VIOLENT AND ASSUREDLY DEADLY ALLERGIC REACTION IF I SAID ANYTHING WAS NICE, YOU'RE DEFINITELY MORE PLEASANT TO TALK TO THAN I'D EXPECT FROM ANYONE HERE.

 

Jame is suddenly there, blinking and looking around. It's way bright here today, for some reason, and -- who are these new people?

That girl IS a cat, isn't she?

 

What, no. I am from a warrior race. My great grandpa was in the army and the town is basically built on war monuments. We've got like four now? They're probably building another one, as part of the annual Fall let's make the town impossible to traverse project. Always need construction going on in the Fall. It's like Harfest that way. Required.

And oh man! Those are actually pretty neat. The sickles. I just kind of...use whatever random garbage is at hand when things get too hot to handle. Like a trash can. Gregg's got a crossbow though, which is rad. A knife too. I do not though.

 

Hey! Why are you staring like that. You don't see me staring at you and your not fur. Which seems like it's big enough to eat someone alive. And probably has.

 

Lissa snorts. "I loved being pregnant with Jezebel."

 

"Haven't seen your like before," she points out, self-consciously shaking her messy hair. Leaves and other detritus fall out of it.