shitposting rave 5: discount rejects from every genre

[deeply unimpressed expression. he raises an eyebrow]

YEAH, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN AT ALL. TROLLS ARE--ER. WERE. RAISED FROM OUR HATCHDAY KNOWING THAT IF WE LIVED LONG ENOUGH TO BE OF USE, WE'D BE SERVING THE EMPIRE AND ITS GOAL OF CONQUERING ANY AND ALL PLANETS WITH USEFUL RESOURCES. THANKS, THOUGH.

[he smiles juuuust a little bit and puts them back with a very show-offy twirl]

EUGH, I WOULD ASK HOW YOU COULD *POSSIBLY* ENJOY SOMETHING LIKE THAT BUT EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT THE CONCEPT FOR MORE THAN FIVE SECONDS I CAN FEEL MY BILESACK PREPARING TO EMPTY ITSELF ALL OVER THE FLOOR.

 

I haven't seen yours either! But I'm not showing off the nightmare eyes. Like this.

-wide eyed cat stare of EXTREME FOCUS is directed right at jame-

Nightmare eyes. The last thing you see in the night. Oh yeah.

Also did you fall down a hill to your death too. I'm pretty sure that's what I did. There's probably some sort of weird animal eating my dead body right now. Or something.

 

"You will not fight me, because I have no intention of fighting anyone." Ford frowns. "This was a birthday party."

 

Jame pays attention to this woman for the first time. She looks very like Valiska. "Hello there, I'm Jame," she says awkwardly. "I don't think we met?"

 

"I'm Lissa Beijada-Pines, and this is Stanford. We're from Gravity Falls in Dimension 64."

 

This is starting to sound like a sci-fi novel. As opposed to whatever kind of novel I'm in. Some sort of boring...nothing book. About being a boring nothing. Maybe there can be a mopey section about me sitting on the bridge watching the sunset or something.

I fight all things. All of them. Possibly even myself. I haven't had that chance yet, but the moment I do I'm taking it.

 

Reflective silver eyes meet nightmare cat eyes.

"This is not the Grey Lands. I'm not dead. You are probably not dead either. This is a space in between the worlds, it seems, where the boundaries are softer and we can drift into here easily." She smiles. "I'm Jame. This isn't my first time here."

 

FUCK, DUDE, I'LL TRADE YOU.

 

UNFAMILIAR CAT-MONSTER! WHERE IS MY BROTHER SANS?

 

"Oh. That explains why you look like Valiska, and why this man looks like Ford." He does. A Ford that hasn't been beat up by the fates as much as the one she knows.

"I live with them," she explains. "Part of their strange family!"

 

...

-eyes you closely. the ear continues to twitch. narrows the eyes. ponders this-

So your name is...James without the s.

What no. It's lame. The only thing I ever did was go to college and then go, oh, well this isn't working out. I didn't make any cool college friends or go to any parties or anything. I just kind of went back home. And then went, well, I guess I'm stuck here now. Doing nothing. Being nothing.

I can only wish I was a monster. Maybe on Halloween though. Thinking of going as Witch Dagger, though. WITCH DAGGAAAAAAH.

And...

I have no idea?

 

"Well, it's Jamethiel, but that's long and a bit unlucky, people think, so I'm Jame to most. What's yours?"

 

I THROW U A STICK TO FETCH AND TURN UR SOUL BLUE AND TRAP U IN THE SHED WHERE IS MY BROTHER SANS

 

OH, TRUST ME! NOTHING IS EVERYTHING I COULD EVER ASK FOR IN MY MOST DESPERATE PLEAS. OH, PLEASE, PARADOX SPACE, LET ME HAVE FIVE MINUTES TO REST WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT FAILING AND WATCHING THE CONSEQUENCES. ACTUALLY WAIT NO, NOW I HAVE ALL THIS TIME ON MY HANDS AND I CAN'T STOP WAITING FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP. FUCK YOU, PARADOX SPACE! PLAYED ME LIKE A FUCKING FIDDLE.

PLUS, IF SWAPPING MEANT DAVE COULD LIVE OUT HIS DREAMS AS AKWETE PURRMUSK HE'D PROBABLY CRY TEARS OF JOY.

 

It can't be as unlucky as everyone calling you Killer. I mean it's just the town kids, but it's not like the others aren't thinking it. Mr. Penderson definitely is, but who cares about him.

Anyway, it's Mae. Which isn't short for anything. My last name's a bit long, I suppose? Borowski.

Dude, everything is just worrying about failing and watching the consequences. The nothing is a consequence even. The consequence of college just not working out. Everything sucks, ok. Just because I'm not part of some sort of intergalactic space war doesn't mean things are all hunky dory where we go "Yes this sure is a fulfilling and not entirely terrible life". It's pretty much the opposite of that.

 

"We met them." Lissa leans back against Ford. "She's led a very sheltered life, hasn't she? She looks like a queen from Sireni. But Valiska is a child's name."

 

"Is it true? The killer name." Her eyebrow raises, curious. "I've killed people when I had to. Don't worry about scaring me." She smiles, hopefully encouragingly.

"I don't really have a last name," she says, "but I use my house, Knorth, for that."

 

NAH, THE INTERGALACTIC SPACE WAR WAS PRETTY SMALL FART NUGGETS IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS. I'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN ON AN IMPERIAL SHIP.

AND I'M NOT EXACTLY SURE WHAT COLLEGE IS. I KNOW IT'S SCHOOLFEEDING BUT GIVEN THAT IT APPARENTLY ONLY HAPPENS AFTER YOU'RE AN ADULT, MY HUMANS DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT IT EITHER AND I'M NOT INCLINED TO BELIEVE THE YARNS SOME OF THEM SPIN ME. THE YARNS ARE MADE OUT OF HOOFBEAST SHIT, AND WHOEVER DOES BELIEVE THEM IS A GULLIBLE ASSRAG FIT ONLY TO WIPE THE DUMBEST OF BUTTS.

 

-eyes jame suspiciously in silence for a bit-

Well, I mean. I guess it's not technically true. I guess. I dunno.

Spoiler: plot spoilers

It really doesn't matter when he still went to the hospital, though. That kind of happens when you take a bat to someone's head. So, now everyone's all worried. What if she does it again. When will she do it again. Wow, look there goes the murderer in the making. It's just.

Yeah I dunno. I beat someone up with a bat. They went to the hospital. People tell their kids not to talk to me.

You basically pay a bunch of money that your parents saved up all their life so you can go to and be lectured at for hours. Then you go to your room and eat pizza. That's pretty much the college experience. If you don't drop out you get a piece of paper or something that says you did a thing. But I did so. No paper for me. Whee.

-throws up hands-

 

"Sheltered?" Jame says, doubtful. "In a way, perhaps. Not a normal upbringing, and pretty isolated. Not without danger, though." She shrugs. "I had a quite isolated childhood, too."